MilSpouse LifeThere is rarely a week that passes where I don’t hear from a military girlfriend. She is seeking support, friendship and acceptance into the military community. Researching this post, I found much of the advice for military girlfriends discouraging.
She needs to know “her place.”
She is “just a girlfriend.”
She is “not entitled to anything.”
Related: Boot Camp Communication – What You Can Expect Phone Calls, Letters, Graduation Day, etc.
Geeze! It made me think back to my days as a military girlfriend and how small the military community made me feel at times. It hurt most at the time because my service member and I had been together for years. I wasn’t a fling. And I definitely wasn’t a floozy. I was a young professional with a career and my own money. In the civilian community, people wouldn’t dream of constantly reminding you of “your place.”.
Related: 13 Useful Gifts for a Deployed Service Member
Of course, there are a few military girlfriends who give the title a bad name. They lack character and morals. They take advantage of service members and make poor choices.
As a military community, we have so much encouragement and sound advice to offer the military girlfriend.
One day I hope I am lucky enough to sit down and have a cup of coffee with one of those military girlfriends, who email me each week genuinely seeking help.
And when I do. I will tell her this…
Having a life in addition to the one with your service member will help you remember who you are as a person. Military life tends to take over a bit from time to time, but remember your individuality. Remember what you love to do for fun. Doing this will help your survive long deployments and separations so much better.
Connect with others in your community through Facebook groups, blogs and community events. This could be military community members or civilians. Establishing friendships and good relationships with others will offer you the support you need to overcome the ups and downs of military life.
Related: Where to Find MilSO Groups Online for Support and Encouragement
Grow your relationship.
Learn beneficial ways to improve communication in your relationship. Be open and honest with each other. Learn to grow and establish trust with your significant other. Honesty and trust are the foundation for every strong military relationship.
Use this as a time to weigh the positives and negatives of this life. Take time to really consider what it looks like long term, consider the possibility of moves (and not just the exotic possibilities but the very real not ideal possibilities), deployments, training, absences… talk to other spouses your your boyfriend’s trade honestly about what it’s looked like for them. Make an informed decision now, because that’s what dating is about. It’s okay if it’s not what you’re willing to accept in life, it’s not going to be what everyone wants (nor should it be). But make that decision now.
Take an open mind to making friends within the military community. There’s so much to be gained through positive friendships with other military spouses! — Kim
Seek out the positive.
Try to see the good in every situation, even when it’s not easy. Keeping a positive attitude through everything makes a HUGE difference. I often think of the Danes, who are touted as the happiest people on the planet, and how they seem to find the positive in every situation imaginable. They are what many like to call realistic optimists. They don’t sugar coat challenging circumstances, but they often look at things through the perspective of others, realizing that things aren’t always as bad as they seem.
Discover ways to become more understanding and patient. The military will dictate many parts of your life and allowing yourself to remit control will prepare you for the unexpected.
Give the relationship at least a year before making plans for your future. Don’t rush it. Take your time to know whether this is the life that is right for both of you. The military introduces a unique set of challenges to every marriage–separations, frequent moves, and a demanding job just to name a few. Think rationally, logically and wisely about marrying into military life.
Embrace it as much as possible.
Embrace your time as a military girlfriend. This season of life will help you learn if military life is where you want to be. It isn’t for everyone, and that is okay.
Surround yourself with supportive and positive people who see military life in a good light. There will be challenges and day to day frustrations and at times it can be overwhelming, but with a group of people that truly support one another in a healthy empowering way it can be an incredible experience. — Judy
Being a military girlfriend feels hard sometimes. It’s normal to feel that way.
Hang in there.
Feel encouraged.
You are welcome here in this community.
Want more on military life?
- 43 Awesome Tips for the New Military Wife
- 31 Encouraging Quotes for the Military Spouse
- The Biggest Mistake a Military Spouse Can Make
- The Brutally Honest Guide to Dating a Military Man
- 42+ Top Missing Him Quotes to Send Your Long Distance Boyfriend
What’s your perspective on being a military girlfriend? Let’s chat in the comments!
I’m new to the military girlfriend lifestyle. I have lots of family in the military of all different branches and my boyfriend of 8 months just commissioned into the Navy as an Aviator. He is set to leave in a couple months for FL for training. We were going to go together, but had a small fallout and he is reconsidering because he is unsure of how I’ll do adjusting to the lifestyle of moving all the time and conforming to his schedule. I want to say I’ll adapt well and be able to handle it all, but I’m not sure. Does anyone have some advice they can give me before we talk about moving to FL again like we originally planned?
My boyfriend of 2 Year’s is going to basic training and AIT for 6 months. It’s been really hard, he hasn’t left yet but everytime I think of the situation it makes me really depressed and I get a panic attack. I read your article and it is wonderful. I hate feeling the way I do but it makes me really depressed and I don’t know what to do.
Hi! I am still a new military girlfriend. I started talking to my solider before he left for basic and started out as friends and it bloomed from there. Fast forward to 3 years later and all of a sudden a few weeks ago, he stopped saying I love you and says he is not good at feeling things. We both knew the risks and hardships we would face but I don’t know how to keep telling him I am in this for the long haul and want to continue to plan trips to see him and am thinking about moving out to where he is when I graduate from grad school. Does this mean he doesn’t love me or stopped loving me? Help please!
Hi, I’m a new military girlfriend as well. My boyfriend Mando, is in the marines. I want to know more on how I can be a better girlfriend and how to make him happier than ever. We have been dating about a month now and we already are talking about marriage. Is there any advice I can get on how to make our long-distance relationship even better?
Hello,
I’ll try to keep this short, but my emotions are kind of just everywhere. Seeing everyone share their stories made me really wanna share mine so I feel less alone.
My dad served in the Navy for 31 years, so until the age of 12, I lived the average “Military Brat” lifestyle. Being so young, it didn’t seem hard then.
I am 18 years old now and engaged to an Air Force man who leaves for Basic today. We’ve been dating for about 5 months, and have decided to wait to get married, though I know I want to be with him. He’s leaving for Texas from Ohio and I will be here in Ohio for about another month and a half before I go to college in Georgia.
First off, I never realized how hard this would be, considering I went through this life as a child, so I very much respect this lifestyle.
I’m just not sure how to get into it, and how to cope with it as an adult now. Although I have my mother who was a military spouse for 13 years, I feel I cannot exactly talk to her about it. In a sense, I do feel alone, although I know I am not.
These stories made me feel less alone as I said, so thank you.
Daughter of a Marine here- I’m dating a Marine and I totally get the feeling of not realizing how hard this would be. My mom tries to be supportive but it’s hard because her situation was so different from mine. Totally understand how you feel, I feel alone a lot too.
I’m new to military life and I never realized how hard this would be! My bf is in the navy and just got deployed yesterday but haven’t seen him since early Saturday morning since he’s stationed in Cali and i live in Florida. Here you ever need to talk!
My boyfriend is in the Army. Reserves. I’ve never been a military girlfriend. And it’s really difficult. I won’t even lie. But I have had a few family members in the military. My grandfather was in the Navy, my cousin is a Marine, and I had a few more in the military. Anyway, my boyfriend leaves in April of next year for 9 months, and I’m not ready. I don’t think anyone is truly ready for their S.O. to leave for deployment. I’m glad I’m not alone in this. I know I will need help trying to keep it together. But at the same time, its really difficult trying to tell my story without being judged for it..
Last Thursday my bf and I found he was being deployed. He left Saturday to to go back to Cali where is stationed, leaving me in Florida. He left yesterday for his deployment, luckily it’s projected to be 90 days or less. While we have only been dating for a little over a month and I have not stopped crying so don’t feel judged at all! This is also my first time being a military gf and hopefully my last (fingers crossed). Totally here for you!
Hello. My boyfriend left to Fort Jackson a month ago, and it’s been tough but I’ve faced these challenges head on. I know I want to be with him and I know he’s the one for me, but, I’m joining the military in the near future (same as he is and for my own reasons) and I’m afraid as to how a dual military relationship would affect us. I love him to pieces and I don’t want to make our relationship more challenging.
Hello! I’m 17 and I recently 5 months ago started a relationship with my girlfriend & I know it’s a very different feeling from dating a male. She left recently in June and is returning in a few days. I haven’t heard from her in 2 weeks besides a letter she sent. The last time she called 2 weeks ago I missed her call because I was working. I felt really bad and I’m hoping there aren’t any problems but she’s graduating from basic training this week so I’m assuming everything is just busy up there right now because I haven’t gotten a call from her since but i’ve been sending letters but no reply. Should I be worried?
Please contact me via email with any advice.
Hi, my name is Keiarra and I am a new military girlfriend as well. My boyfriend is in the Marines and we have been dating for a month going on 2. My family thinks I’m crazy for dating a serviceman. I’ve prayed to God for so long, I always prayed about wanting to be with a military man when I was a little girl and I don’t know why lol. But being a Marine’s girlfriend has taught me so much about patience and as well as being more understanding with his feelings as well. He comes home in October and I am really nervous about seeing him. He’s from Texas and I’m from Arkansas. I plan on giving him a surprise party when he comes home, but still, I’m so nervous to be meeting him and finally being about to hug him. I didn’t know to be a Marine girlfriend would be so hard waiting just to get a call or message from him. I know our relationship will not be a walk in the park but with God by our side I know we can make it.
I am a Marine girlfriend- have been for a year and a half now. Our relationship has hit a rough patch because the distance is putting a lot of stress on us. I love him with my entire heart and I want to make this work as much as he does. I need some support. I don’t have very many close friends and the ones I do have don’t understand at all. Can anyone help me?
Hi! I am a Coast Guard girlfriend with my boyfriend of over 2 and a half years. He is currently still in boot camp, but we found out he will be stationed in Seattle, Washington. I live in central Missouri and am going to college. Kyle (boyfriend) and I have been dating since high school, and graduated together so this distance thing is very new for us. The thing that has helped me the most is talking to people who understands what I’m going through. I text, call, or go see his family all the time, they miss him just as much as I do and it helps being around the people he loves. Another thing that has helped me is setting a goal for myself do the day. This tip came from one of my friend’s cousins who is a Marine spouse. By setting a goal for yourself, you are bettering yourself while he is away. It’s gives you something to do and keeps your mind off the distance. Since he is still in boot camp, I have been writing letters every night to send to him. I know he really appreciates them and I look forward to getting one from him too. However, I will probably start journaling once he is stationed in Seattle because he will most likely be on a cutter and will be gone for weeks or months at a time. By journaling, you are able to write out all your feelings that you usually tell your significant other. I really hope these help, and if you have any tips for the oncoming storm for me, I’d really appreciate them!
Hi Emily,
I really appreciate your post. I am going through something similar right now. I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years (today is our anniversary actually – him being gone for it sort of motivated me to look up these posts) and he graduates from Coast Guard bootcamp next week. We also just found out that he will be on a cutter and he has to report 6 days after graduation. He’ll be on a cutter in Kittery, Maine meanwhile I’m finishing up law school in Florida. I have some questions for you if you are able to respond!
(1) What was graduation like and what should I wear to it?
(2) Is the 6-day turn around from bootcamp to first station typical? Was that what it was like for your boyfriend?
(3) I’m sure the cutter experience in Maine will be different from Seattle, but what exactly does being on a cutter mean? I know it’s how they get their time at sea in, but are we still able to communicate with them? Are they able to take any leave for holidays or other important events, like if the time overlaps with my law school graduation? Are we able to visit them at all?
I really like your journal idea. Since my boyfriend has been gone I have been feeling a whirlwind of emotion and I don’t really know how to process it. Everyone says to keep busy and I have finals coming up but I keep getting distracted by his absence. How do you focus and not let the absence or the apprehension of his future placement get you down?
I am so new to this, I hope I didn’t overwhelm you with my questions!