Being a military girlfriend is a difficult role for many young women in today’s military community. And I do mean, girlfriends. This short series of posts is written directly for my readers, who email me each and every week, sharing their struggles. This amazing group of young women always refer to themselves as a military girlfriend.
Time and time again, I hear their struggles and it causes me reflect on my years as a military girlfriend. Even though it was only a few short years ago, it feels like forever. Our lives are different now: We live in Japan, we have a toddler and a baby on the way, and I work from home running my own business. It’s a far cry from my days on the East Coast as a military girlfriend when I struggled to find my place in the military life world.
So if you find yourself filling the role of military girlfriend, you are not alone. You are among friends who understand these exact problems…
Related:
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- 42+ Top Missing Him Quotes to Send Your Long Distance Boyfriend
- 101 Long Distance Relationship Quotes to Keep a Strong Relationship
Your relationship endures separations well before it’s ready.
Separations are a part of life, but they are heavily prevalent in military life. Many pre-marital military relationships experience long-term separations over a long geographical distances. This creates a difficult scenario for young relationships to even have the chance to survive.
Getting on base is sort of an ordeal.
Sometimes it even feels a little embarrassing if you need to get a base pass. Standing in line with your significant other each time you need to get a vehicle pass starts to feel a bit unwelcoming. Thankfully, you only need this on rare occasions when you need to drive on base alone to meet him somewhere.
You need your hand held to purchase anything at the Commissary or PX.
One of my most embarrassing moments was shopping at the PX and realizing I wasn’t allowed to actually make the purchase. I do understand now why only service members, retirees and family members are allowed to make a purchase. At the time however, it never dawned on me that I wouldn’t be allowed to buy something at a store simply because I wasn’t married.
Related: 13 Deployment Gift Ideas for Your Military Boyfriend
People look down on you if your significant other gives you any sort of legal rights.
A Power of Attorney is a powerful thing and should not be granted unless absolutely necessary, but there is a time and place when a Power of Attorney is necessary in a non-marital relationship. I cannot think of another profession or community where legal marriage and legal rights are such a prominent part of everyday life.
You grapple with when is truly the right time for marriage.
Because legal rights are at the forefront of the military community, you often consider just getting married already. Things like deployments and PCS moves weigh heavily on your decision to marry. In any other profession, this is typically not the case.
You struggle to know if you should stay or go during a PCS.
If you are a military girlfriend and your service member receives orders to PCS, you are forced to decide stay or go. If you go, you are uprooting your life and picking up the tab for it. It’s not easy to leave behind school, a career, friends and family for a relationship that may or may not be destined for marriage.
If you stay, you create a challenging long distance relationship scenario OR you end the relationship, which is challenging and sad as well.
You are seen as transient.
Many military girlfriends come and go in the military community. This is one of the reasons why the title of military girlfriend seems to carry the transient label. It feels discouraging some days. Many of those in military relationships choose to marry young, some only months into their relationship. I can only imagine feeling transient plays a huge role in couples marrying quickly.
Whether you are a military girlfriend years or months into military life, I applaud you. It is challenging, and I know you are filled with immense strength, heart and determination to carry the weight.
The road of military life is rewarding, yet filled with ups and downs, and your time as a military girlfriend will prepare you for all that is yet to come. Don’t rush leaving behind the challenging role of military girlfriend for the wrong reasons. Years down the road, you’ll feel grateful for this time of immeasurable growth.
Want more on military life?
- The One Thing You Miss Most During Deployment
- Military Girlfriend to Military Life: One Important Lesson You’ll Never Forget
- The Best Advice for the Military Girlfriend
- Are Military Spouses Unknowingly Violating OPSEC?
- 7 Bootcamp Graduation Gifts That Will Make Your Service Member Smile
- The Brutally Honest Guide to Dating a Military Man
What’s your biggest struggle as a military girlfriend? Let’s chat in the comments!
Sarah
Hello! I am so happy to have found this blog as I am struggling with realizing all that being a military girlfriend (and wife as we have serious plans to marry once we are able to settle down) entails. We’ve been dating for over a year and have been friends for about four. Right now we are both in college in different states though I am going to be transferring to get my ADN in the same state because my current school is not the right fit for me. He is currently going through the Army ROTC program. The particular struggles that I am quickly beginning to realize are how difficult it is to be far apart (over a 12 hour drive) and just how much the military takes up his life even at the ROTC stage. I am fully aware it will become even more intense when he commissions and a plethora of new challenges will arise after. During the week his schedule is packed with army stuff on top of his regular class schedule, he is going to be gone for a lot of the summer (for advanced camps) when we do get to be together, and seems to always be centering conversations we have over the phone about military topics. Coming from a military family myself, I originally thought the transition into a relationship with him would be easy. My main concern or rather question would be, how do you hold on to a sense of self importance in the relationship? Or how do you keep confidence that he sees the relationship as an important part of his life? Also, when deciding to take the next step and become a military wife (even though that is several years off), what time in his career (and my education) is that best to do?
Vanessa Quintero
Hi, my names Vanessa and i’m also a military girlfriend. When i first met my boyfriend I was a junior and he was a Senior. We had started dating on the last month of school and tll this day it seems like forever ago. We’ve been dating for 4 months and while we were on our 2nd month of dating he had decided to join the army. He didn’t tell me, or his parents about joining, he just woke up one day and decided to do it. I was very emotional when i found out and i couldn’t believe it. After that everything changed, every time we would hang out i’d burst into tears because i’d think about how he’s basicslly leaving me and we were barley starting our relationship. I knew it was something he wanted to do for a while, I couldn’t convince him to stay because that’s not what he wanted to do. The only thing i could do was support him and his decision on leaving and that’s what i did. He’s my first love, my first everything and when we got together we were inseparable, we were always together because there wasn’t a day that went by that i didn’t want to be with him. I was so attached to him and still am. He left to basic training on September 14th and it’s been the hardest weeks of my life. I’m a senior in school now and even though school may be a distraction, it’s not enough. I had sent him my first letter last friday and i’m just counting down the days until i get a letter from him. I can’t wait to see him at his graduation. I know that after he graduates he comes back for a few weeks to pack before he gets shipped out. We’ve talked about whether we would stay together when he ships out, he had mentioned once that he didn’t know if he can last 3 years without physically seeing me. I told him that i would wait for him because i know in my heart i really do love him, even though we’ve been together for only 4 months. We’ve talked about marriage, he had told me one night, if he was to ask me to marry him and what would i say? I told him that i’d say yes. He told me that he wouldn’t because he wasn’t ready, and of course i felt sad and disappointed. I know we’re both young, i get why he would say no. I just don’t want to lose him, and if things don’t work out when he comes back i’d be crushed. He’s my everything, he’s my only happiness and he’s just something different. He’s REAL. I need some advice, i feel like i’m in this alone.
Mayli
Hey Vanessa, so this was about 5 months ago. I’m guessing he made it out of boot camp? How are you guys doing? Not sure if you can get back to me on here, but I’d love some advice. Literally everything you wrote is what I’m feeling right now.
Krystal
What about when you have children and now are a military girlfriend with someone who is not their dad? Teenager kids that don’t want to leave their friends or life? The real dad is not around to be an issue, just the kids friends, community, family, etc.
Ashley
Hi there my name is Ashley punch and I am a military girlfriend and my boyfriend is a marines and we been dating about a month. We been talking on the phone and now he told me to not text him because I will get him in to trouble . also is that a broke up ? Can you help ?
Brooke
Sorry for the late reply I’m a marines girl too. It depends on what stage of training he’s in. Bootcamp, no phone only letters. MCT, phone only on weekends. MOS, it depends but usually they can have it Every day but not until a certain time. Not necessarily a break up at all
Loli
I’m a knew military girlfriend I met my solider when he was stationed in FT.hood a little over a year. Back in September he was stationed to Germany. I’m older than him and I have two kids of my own. We talked about waiting on each other and we do communicate on the regular. My kids and I plan to go visit him in March. He sometimes he says service sucks and he’s not able to communicate. The longest it’s gone is a week with out communication. It worries me that he may have another relationship going on back home where he’s from. He’s from New Jersey and he had a long serious relationship when he started his military career but he says the military ended it. I try not to freak out my kids and I love him so much. I have no support here none and it sucks. I’m going out of my mind to hear girls say that’s what military guys are known for. Cheating and having a double life. I don’t know what else to please help. The last thing I want to do is be a nag or push him away
Hallie
Love this post! I’ve been dating Gabe for almost 4 years, and 4 whirlwind months ago he joined the National Guard. 3 days ago he left for basic training and AIT at the same base, so I won’t see him for 19weeks instead of the typical 10 weeks. It’s so tough not knowing how he’s doing! I can’t imagine what you girls dealing with deployment must go through!
2 questions:
1. There are tons of military spouse blogs, but has anyone found a great Military Girlfriend blog? As this post points out, we have different challenges to deal with.
2. One unexpected feeling I’ve been having since Gabe left is feeling GUILTY for enjoying “life’s luxuries” (being able to sleep in, chocolate, long hot showers, etc) and even getting support from family & friends. I feel guilty because I know he’s going through hell in Red Phase right now and can’t have any of these. Anyone else dealing with this or have any advice?
Looking forward to being able to send him letters and watch for pictures on Fort Leonard Wood’s FB page! So proud of my Soldier in Training!
Mayli
I would love to chat with you – seems we’re in the same shoes right about now. Mine just left for basic training two days ago.
ram das
Labeling kind of works like that it bumps you to the next expectation level, and with expectations come disappointments. Labeling-up somebody before you’ve gotten to know them is a self-fulfilling prophesy—so tread carefully when rushing to call someone “bae.”
Ashley
My boyfriend is in the Army National Guard. While his risk of deployment is lower, and his time away is less, it is still hard. When he does have to go for his AT, or any other long trips it gets hard to manage at home. On top of that, year ago he took up a job that pays wonderfully. But requires almost constant travel. He will be home one night a week if I am lucky. But I won’t even contemplate that walking away is an option. We have been dating for almost 3 years, and engaged for almost 1. We plan to be married in October 2020 just 2 months after his contract is up for the military :). As a kid I never wanted to date a soldier because I didn’t think I could handle it, but I fell in love with one anyways Haha 🙂 its funny how the world works sometimes.
Jenn
Hello ladies! I have recently started dating a man that is in the air force and we just found out that he is being deployed! He just got home from deployment in Jan and he thought he was safe since he is set to retire in oct after serving 23 years. Thank heavens it will be his last deployment. We have been together 3 months and I’m so anxious about all of this! We are hoping to find out more info within the next few days about when he leaves and how long he is gone for…he says he wont be able to tell me where he is going…is this true? I am so crazy about this man! I have been on a roller coaster of emotions over the past few days. HELP! I feel so alone since I don’t know his family and don’t want to be that crazy psycho gf that stalks them on fb lmao! please tell me that i am not alone!