MilSpouse LifeBeing a military girlfriend is a difficult role for many young women in today’s military community. And I do mean, girlfriends. This short series of posts is written directly for my readers, who email me each and every week, sharing their struggles. This amazing group of young women always refer to themselves as a military girlfriend.
Time and time again, I hear their struggles and it causes me reflect on my years as a military girlfriend. Even though it was only a few short years ago, it feels like forever. Our lives are different now: We live in Japan, we have a toddler and a baby on the way, and I work from home running my own business. It’s a far cry from my days on the East Coast as a military girlfriend when I struggled to find my place in the military life world.
So if you find yourself filling the role of military girlfriend, you are not alone. You are among friends who understand these exact problems…
Related:
- Where to Find Helpful MilSO Groups Online for Support and Encouragement
- 42+ Top Missing Him Quotes to Send Your Long Distance Boyfriend
- 101 Long Distance Relationship Quotes to Keep a Strong Relationship
Your relationship endures separations well before it’s ready.
Separations are a part of life, but they are heavily prevalent in military life. Many pre-marital military relationships experience long-term separations over a long geographical distances. This creates a difficult scenario for young relationships to even have the chance to survive.
Getting on base is sort of an ordeal.
Sometimes it even feels a little embarrassing if you need to get a base pass. Standing in line with your significant other each time you need to get a vehicle pass starts to feel a bit unwelcoming. Thankfully, you only need this on rare occasions when you need to drive on base alone to meet him somewhere.
You need your hand held to purchase anything at the Commissary or PX.
One of my most embarrassing moments was shopping at the PX and realizing I wasn’t allowed to actually make the purchase. I do understand now why only service members, retirees and family members are allowed to make a purchase. At the time however, it never dawned on me that I wouldn’t be allowed to buy something at a store simply because I wasn’t married.
Related: 13 Deployment Gift Ideas for Your Military Boyfriend
People look down on you if your significant other gives you any sort of legal rights.
A Power of Attorney is a powerful thing and should not be granted unless absolutely necessary, but there is a time and place when a Power of Attorney is necessary in a non-marital relationship. I cannot think of another profession or community where legal marriage and legal rights are such a prominent part of everyday life.
You grapple with when is truly the right time for marriage.
Because legal rights are at the forefront of the military community, you often consider just getting married already. Things like deployments and PCS moves weigh heavily on your decision to marry. In any other profession, this is typically not the case.
You struggle to know if you should stay or go during a PCS.
If you are a military girlfriend and your service member receives orders to PCS, you are forced to decide stay or go. If you go, you are uprooting your life and picking up the tab for it. It’s not easy to leave behind school, a career, friends and family for a relationship that may or may not be destined for marriage.
If you stay, you create a challenging long distance relationship scenario OR you end the relationship, which is challenging and sad as well.
You are seen as transient.
Many military girlfriends come and go in the military community. This is one of the reasons why the title of military girlfriend seems to carry the transient label. It feels discouraging some days. Many of those in military relationships choose to marry young, some only months into their relationship. I can only imagine feeling transient plays a huge role in couples marrying quickly.
Whether you are a military girlfriend years or months into military life, I applaud you. It is challenging, and I know you are filled with immense strength, heart and determination to carry the weight.
The road of military life is rewarding, yet filled with ups and downs, and your time as a military girlfriend will prepare you for all that is yet to come. Don’t rush leaving behind the challenging role of military girlfriend for the wrong reasons. Years down the road, you’ll feel grateful for this time of immeasurable growth.
Want more on military life?
- The One Thing You Miss Most During Deployment
- Military Girlfriend to Military Life: One Important Lesson You’ll Never Forget
- The Best Advice for the Military Girlfriend
- Are Military Spouses Unknowingly Violating OPSEC?
- 7 Bootcamp Graduation Gifts That Will Make Your Service Member Smile
- The Brutally Honest Guide to Dating a Military Man
What’s your biggest struggle as a military girlfriend? Let’s chat in the comments!
I am a military girlfriend. I’ve known my boyfriend since high school but we didn’t cross paths again from aquaintances until the end of December 9 years later. He was on leave at the time and we met up planning to only see each other for an hour to catch up. But we just ended up really hitting it off and a few weeks later he asked me out. We have since been together but it hasn’t been without a few bumps. I love this man dearly and hes told me I have his heart but this past month I have been so worries. Since he knew about his upcoming PT he has been extremely distant. He still calls but our conversations are no longer so deep. He ended up not passing and it really effected him I tried to be as supportive as possible and in any way I can. What scares me was when he started talking about how he’s thought if he supposed to be in a relationship and that it’s crossed his mind a few times. But then he says not to worry he chalked it up to deployment but he brought up my biggest fear because I have read stories to those this have happened to. We already have plans to live together once he moves back. But I broke down yesterday about it because I don’t want to lose this amazing man. Is this common for those whose spouses have been through their first deployment together? Do I need to be worried?
Any advice I could use I’ve exhausted my mind with dead end answers…
Hi Britt, this response is a bit late however I hope things are ok. I’ve known my solider since we were in 5th grade, and have been “dating” pretty much our whole life. He is about to complete his first year in the army and will be soon deploying to Africa very early next year. Prior to going into basic he was easily the sweetest, most loving, warm hearted human I had ever met. And while he still is that way with me it isn’t as present. The stressors they endure change them, while I don’t know if it is a permanent change or just a change they who through while dealing with those stressors, it is tough! My boyfriend has come home 2 times while serving our country and often the night or two before he has to go back to his base in Tennessee he pulls away, isn’t a touchy feely, not a joking, or very loving. I have visted him at his base 2 times and he does the same thing the night or two prior to me leaving back to California. We had a deployment scare during his time serving where we were u see the impression he would be going to Afghanistan, during this time he did start to pull back a tab not emotionally and I found that I became overwhelming clingy and pushy. He did not deploy and when we got to talking about his actions he told me he was scared and overwhelmed with just feelings of missing me, family, and stress to get there. Communication is what is going to keep not only a long distance relationship alive but a long distance military relationship. It’s even harder when your young and you don’t get the support you’d like from others. I hope this helped. I came here for some words of encouragement as I am the most stressed about my relationship and possible marriage questions and concerns.
To offer some reassurance, it is normal for small, petty little fights or withdrawal right before a deployment as a way of coping with upcoming separation. We have noticed this in our relationship from the very first deployment years ago. I hope you guys keep the communication open so your true feelings can be known and you become stronger. Best of luck!
My boyfriend is a Marine officer and we met in college, but he’s older. So he’s stationed away from me while I finish college. The worst is trying to get my family to support moving in with him after I graduate. Or even why I’m with him. I want to go into nursing after I graduate, but I need to finish school, and there aren’t any colleges close to him. Trying to find a job is also not going well near him. I really want to be closer to him. I just wish I could figure out a way to go to school as well.
I hope things are working out for you<3 as far as your family goes… you have to live YOUR life for you. Not them. If you know he is the one, then don't let go. Take it one tiny step at a time. Find a job first. You need a way to support yourself. Then tackle school.
I am a new military girlfriend. However, I haven’t even kissed my boyfriend. Long story short, I met him a couple months before his 2nd deployment but at that time I had another boyfriend. Fast forward several months and we are now dating. We started dating about halfway through his deployment. I’ve never felt his kisses, his hugs, his eyes looking into mine, none of it, but I would not change anything at this point. I’m getting ready to move into college, and I just found out that his deployment has been extended. It’s very hard. Not having days of hearing from him, getting ready to take a huge jump in my life, and all I can think about is him and how much I want him home. But I have a couple more months and I can finally feel his lips on mine.
Girl I totally feel the struggle!!!! My marine and I started dating while he is stationed over seas, and we haven’t even kissed yet either. I feel your pain! But listen, it is all going to be worth it. Keep remembering how he chose you to be his love through this time. And when the time does come for you to finally be in his arms, ALL of this pain of waiting will be swept away. Every tear cried will be worth it. I mean, it’s kinda neat if you think about it, we still have that first kiss to look forward to! We still have that magic to run towards. He wants to be with you JUST as much as you want to be with him. Hang on to him, girl. Hang on tight, and don’t let go. We got this!!
Liz & Alyssa,
Thank you for your posts!! I have yet to feel my BF’s arms around me or his lips on mine as well. My BF is US military and I am in Canada, we met online, became friends, then as feelings grew decided to take a chance on us! Before we were able to meet, he got news he was being deployed to Afghanistan for a year. 🙁 This is his 5th deployment, my first. I am so new to all this, and yes, it’s scary and some days you get in your own head…start doubting. But somehow, over the distance, we fell head over heels in love with each other. We connect as often as we can, I write to him all the time, even if it means he will have oodles of catch up reading to do. Hard enough that we are in a long distance relationship, but add in a military deployment and a different country! Wow. My friends and family don’t understand and yes you get so many negative questions and comments, especially since we have never had the chance to meet in person yet! But the way I feel….is that he is out there, literally risking is life for others, how can I not love him even more for that, let alone not be faithful? An amazing man like him deserves the very best most loving woman….and I aim to be that girl. He has my heart, and I his. When I miss him terribly, I re-read all our messages to each other, emails, pics everything. It makes me feel closer to him, and I feel reassured that our love will conquer the distance. I wish more people were understanding of the inner strength it takes to be a military girlfriend/partner. Not only do you have the challenges of such a relationship, but it feels like you have to defend it against the world. Which can be disheartening. I have faith in us though, and it is us that is in this together, not us and other people. I love him, and will wait for him, again and again. 3 months down already…..we got this. I love you Steve. xoxo
This is an amazing blog Lauren!
Just to give a background of myself, I started off as a military girlfriend in college. During that time, my soldier went through basic training, deployment and was stationed in a different state. It was difficult for me to focus on school and I had to get used to being the 3rd and 5th wheel with my friends. He was distant with me at times and we ended up breaking up once or twice. It was so hard since very few could relate to what a military girlfriend goes through. Our long distance relationship was definitely a roller coaster to say the least…Fast forward 9 years (4 of those 9 years he was in the military), we just got married a few months ago, both college graduates and now settling into our new home. Given that we overcame many challenges as a young couple, his military life was definitely the most difficult time in our relationship. However, joining the service was the best decision he made for us as it has been the turning point (for the better) of our love story. It’s not easy, but I’d do it all over again just to be where we are today…
If anyone want to chat, feel free to message me on IG!: thewifeylifey
Hang in there girlies! xo <3
I couldn’t really pinpoint you on IG, hopefully you can get back to me on here. I could really use someone with your experience to talk to right now.. my life as a military girlfriend just started. My boyfriend left for boot camp two days ago.
I am a brand new military girlfriend, and I know that community is so important. There are moments where missing him becomes a physical pain, like there’s a weight sitting right on my heart. He is stationed overseas right now, and I am blessed to be able to communicate with him regularly. But he and I both know it is so important for me to find ladies who actually understand what I am going through, what we are all going through. I am living by the motto of “the longer the wait, the sweeter the kiss”. And we actually haven’t even had our first kiss yet, that will get to happen in October ^_^ I pray these 2 months fly by, I am ready to jump into his arms! We have a relationship founded on faith, which is amazing. Our communication is awesome, we always let each other know what’s going on. I struggle with myself because I never want to be selfish and take his focus off of his work. I know he worries about me often, Is there anything I can do to ease his worry? I assure him over and over that I am doing well, and that I will always tell him what’s going on in my life. He is such a wonderful protector. I just want to make sure I am not in any way interfering with his work. I ask him this, just to make sure, and he says that I am in no way being a distraction. But what do you suggest doing to help ease his mind?
You have such a big heart and are so selfless!
I think a few things that may help ease his mind are hanging out with good girls who he trusts and limiting yourself from posting things on social media that may make him feel left out or worried. In my situation, we both ended up deleting all social media until he came home for good. Another idea that may not be as obvious is to find & development your own independence while he is gone, whether that be school or a job (unless if you guys have a family which I’m assuming you don’t). I always liked to look at my soldier’s absence as a time to work towards my own goals that eventually benefited us both in the long run. Then, he won’t have to worry or feel pressured to take care of anyone else emotionally, physically or financially.
Thank you SOOOO much for this reply!! That actually helped a ton. I am working full time and going to school part time, and that is one thing he encourages me to do constantly is throw myself into school. So, you are right!!! I’m just going to dig deep, and do well so I can graduate, which I am on track to graduate as soon as he gets back, so it really works out amazingly. Also, I just found out that he will be sent to the States for some more training for THREE WHOLE WEEKS!!!! I get to see him on the weekends!!!!!! Y’all….. I am bouncing out of my seat!!!!!!! I am so nervous, in the best way possible. What are some things you guys do to really make the most out of seeing your soldier? What are some things I can do for him to make him being here the best time ever?
Woah, takes me back with vivid memories. I was a military girlfriend for 3.5 years through 3 deployments 4 different countries and it’s wild to think back on how much I and we grew through that time. Everything on this list was on point. Ugh, waiting in line for the pass… I wish I could remember the actual rude comment that lady made while processing my pass. She made me feel so embarrassed and pissed all at once. I’m so glad I came across this article so that I might be gracious and welcoming to any military girlfriends I meet becasue oh how quickly (8 years) I forgot what it’s like to give your heart to a man and this life with no paper to prove it. It’s a great point you make, too that it’s tough to know when it’s time to get married because so much is easier paperwprk-wise when you’re married, wait, strike that…not easier… more approving? Appeasing to others? Ugh, what a tough place to be. All you strong, independent women who give your hearts to a service member, keep your heads up, you are everything to him, you do you and be proud!
3.5 years? That sounds agonizing.. I hope you can get back to me on here! 🙂
My biggest struggle is family. They don’t understand why I’ve stayed with my marine. My mom thinks I’d be better off with someone who can put me as #1 without distractions. But I can’t imagine myself or life with anyone but my marine he’s my best friend. How do I help them see that he’s just as serious about us as I am. And he’s trying everything in his power to be there for me when he can. ?!?!
Honestly, girl, they’re gonna think what they’re gonna think. You can do everything in your power to try and make them see that he is the one and that you love each other more than life itself. But that still might not be enough for them. As the end of the day, what matter is you and him. That’s all. If it’s you and him against the world, then you are right where you need to be. Continue to talk to them about him, gushing about the things you love about him and how he makes you the happiest woman on earth. If they truly want happiness for you, then try to make them understand that HE is your happiness. They’ll come around!
Well Samantha it your life not your family’s you make your own choices sometimes family just don’t understand, I have the same problem with my sisters telling me I’m wasting my time I’m 54 yrs old my parents are both gone, and I love my fiance more then anything I don’t care what my sister’s says
Relief:
I am beyond happy to have finally found some resources for “military girlfriends.”
My boyfriend and I have been together for over 5.5 years. We began dating our freshman year of high school in 2012 and he just started his military career at the beginning of this 2017 year. I state this because it certainly feels at times that longevity and intimacy don’t mean much if you’re “just the girlfriend”; in fact, it feels as though it holds about as much significance as being some girl from a ‘fling.’ Anyway, I had known for a while that my boyfriend’s dream was to have a military career, but he held off for so long because his family was so set on him graduating high school and attending college. After a year of college, he came home after deciding school was definitely not for him. He then worked full time for almost a year before he gained enough support to go through with enlisting. His ship date was moved up earlier (twice!), and he left for bootcamp this past May. I was devastated. I was just about at the halfway point in my undergraduate studies, and the LAST thing I wanted was to increase our already long-distance relationship. I struggled throughout the 8 weeks of bootcamp from almost 2,000 miles away, despite having an amazing support system made up of my family, friends, his family and him. It’s so selfish to think (now looking back) that even with people having my back, I still spent a lot of those days feeling down, crying, and wishing he was still with me. I truly feel that the most difficult part of that experience was exactly what we are opening for discussion on this page: when you are not next of kin/immediate family you feel very inferior and unimportant. Knowing that any information about my boyfriend and his time at bootcamp had to come through his family was stressful. Furthermore, the thought of eventually having the same line of communication, but this time for a deployment, was enough to make me feel physically ill. The Petty Officer who had been working with my boyfriend all the way up until he left said I could reach out to her just like my boyfriends family could and did… Except when I did reach out, I was ignored. Then, I began my research online for resources, and much to my dismay, most help out there was for spouses or parents/children. This is the first resource I have come across in almost 5 months of looking that has actually designated time, effort, and support to those of us who are very much so apart of the military community, yet do not fall under the categories listed above. And while I am still (many months later) struggling, grappling and adjusting to this new lifestyle, I am ecstatic to have finally found so much comfort and relevant material on this website. So thank you. I hope us “military girlfriends” can really be a strong support network for each other and keep each other feeling relevant, important, and loved through our sharing. <3
Great comments Shannon! I’ve been dating my guy for 4 years so I’m going through many of the same frustrations of feeling like “a fling” in the eyes of the military. Why aren’t there more resources for girlfriends or “future fiancés”? I hope that either your man is back home or that you’re more settled in your life now. Best wishes!
This really hit home for me.. even though I have my family, friends, and even his older brother that practically raised, I still feel completely and utterly alone. Does it get better?
My soldier and I have had a long distance relationship ever since we started dating. We began our relationship my freshman year of college where I was an hour and a half away on campus and he was back at home. We’ve gotten pretty good at the whole long distance thing. In my senior year now, he will be leaving for his (our) first deployment in one month. I have gotten quite close with both the spouses and girlfriends of others in his unit, and while we are a big happy family, the other girlfriends and I do feel a sense of disconnect. A lot of his contact info is channeled through his family and there have been instances where they have even said that I don’t deserve to be a point of contact because if something happened I would just forget about him. Granted his older brother was cheated on during a deployment so I know they’ve been through a lot. I would NEVER do that to the man I plan on marrying though, so it hurts to be grouped with her and practically devalued. Anyways, I just want to express my sincerest appreciation for this post and for all the others in this series. I plan on sharing it with all of my fellow military girlfriends in my soldier’s unit and I commend you greatly for talking about the subject! The best thing that helps with the upcoming deployment is knowing I’m not alone! Thank you!
Hello I’m Angel a military girlfriend for 4months now,me and my boyfriend started dating when he is stationed overseas lol and i haven’t really kissed, hugged or even met him.So that’s part of the challenge but i wouldn’t trade him for anything because i really felt that he is the one since we started talking.I can’t wait for the day to come that i can finally be with him and lately he’s been talking about his future plans though we’ve just started dating for four months i don’t want to be bold to ask him if he’s planning to marry me because I’m really shy hehe and i found out that he is coming to my country to meet me and my family and to spend the holidays.
I’m really glad i found this site because it helps me deal with the struggles of being a military girlfriend.Thank you ladies and Ms.Lauren?