Being a military girlfriend is a difficult role for many young women in today’s military community. And I do mean, girlfriends. This short series of posts is written directly for my readers, who email me each and every week, sharing their struggles. This amazing group of young women always refer to themselves as a military girlfriend.
Time and time again, I hear their struggles and it causes me reflect on my years as a military girlfriend. Even though it was only a few short years ago, it feels like forever. Our lives are different now: We live in Japan, we have a toddler and a baby on the way, and I work from home running my own business. It’s a far cry from my days on the East Coast as a military girlfriend when I struggled to find my place in the military life world.
So if you find yourself filling the role of military girlfriend, you are not alone. You are among friends who understand these exact problems…
Related:
- Where to Find Helpful MilSO Groups Online for Support and Encouragement
- 42+ Top Missing Him Quotes to Send Your Long Distance Boyfriend
- 101 Long Distance Relationship Quotes to Keep a Strong Relationship
Your relationship endures separations well before it’s ready.
Separations are a part of life, but they are heavily prevalent in military life. Many pre-marital military relationships experience long-term separations over a long geographical distances. This creates a difficult scenario for young relationships to even have the chance to survive.
Getting on base is sort of an ordeal.
Sometimes it even feels a little embarrassing if you need to get a base pass. Standing in line with your significant other each time you need to get a vehicle pass starts to feel a bit unwelcoming. Thankfully, you only need this on rare occasions when you need to drive on base alone to meet him somewhere.
You need your hand held to purchase anything at the Commissary or PX.
One of my most embarrassing moments was shopping at the PX and realizing I wasn’t allowed to actually make the purchase. I do understand now why only service members, retirees and family members are allowed to make a purchase. At the time however, it never dawned on me that I wouldn’t be allowed to buy something at a store simply because I wasn’t married.
Related: 13 Deployment Gift Ideas for Your Military Boyfriend
People look down on you if your significant other gives you any sort of legal rights.
A Power of Attorney is a powerful thing and should not be granted unless absolutely necessary, but there is a time and place when a Power of Attorney is necessary in a non-marital relationship. I cannot think of another profession or community where legal marriage and legal rights are such a prominent part of everyday life.
You grapple with when is truly the right time for marriage.
Because legal rights are at the forefront of the military community, you often consider just getting married already. Things like deployments and PCS moves weigh heavily on your decision to marry. In any other profession, this is typically not the case.
You struggle to know if you should stay or go during a PCS.
If you are a military girlfriend and your service member receives orders to PCS, you are forced to decide stay or go. If you go, you are uprooting your life and picking up the tab for it. It’s not easy to leave behind school, a career, friends and family for a relationship that may or may not be destined for marriage.
If you stay, you create a challenging long distance relationship scenario OR you end the relationship, which is challenging and sad as well.
You are seen as transient.
Many military girlfriends come and go in the military community. This is one of the reasons why the title of military girlfriend seems to carry the transient label. It feels discouraging some days. Many of those in military relationships choose to marry young, some only months into their relationship. I can only imagine feeling transient plays a huge role in couples marrying quickly.
Whether you are a military girlfriend years or months into military life, I applaud you. It is challenging, and I know you are filled with immense strength, heart and determination to carry the weight.
The road of military life is rewarding, yet filled with ups and downs, and your time as a military girlfriend will prepare you for all that is yet to come. Don’t rush leaving behind the challenging role of military girlfriend for the wrong reasons. Years down the road, you’ll feel grateful for this time of immeasurable growth.
Want more on military life?
- The One Thing You Miss Most During Deployment
- Military Girlfriend to Military Life: One Important Lesson You’ll Never Forget
- The Best Advice for the Military Girlfriend
- Are Military Spouses Unknowingly Violating OPSEC?
- 7 Bootcamp Graduation Gifts That Will Make Your Service Member Smile
- The Brutally Honest Guide to Dating a Military Man
What’s your biggest struggle as a military girlfriend? Let’s chat in the comments!
Andrea
I’m not so sure if anyone is going to read this but I’m new at this. I started dating a military guy a couple of weeks ago and boy do I already like him so much. I’m currently in college, I have one more year left. While I’m away at school, he is leaving for deployment… making him 16 hours ahead from me. We’ve talked about it and of course, I’m nervous but I know that this guy is someone I want to be with. None of my friends at college understand why I’m even considering putting myself in “this position” and it’s honestly frustrating to hear negative comments about this. I have no idea what this is going to be like and it would be so great to have people that have experienced deployment and long distance to help me and give me advice. I’m just a 20 year old girl falling so hard for this boy and I’m scared.
Tresh
Hi Andrea. The most important thing i’d say to you in your current situation is make sure you finish school before making any moves with your service member. I am still new to this process myself, but i’ll tell you that military girlfriend are a special breed of people and only those who are going through it will understand. I suggest finding other married and unmarried military women in your area. Check your campus, i’m sure there’s others. It is scary for sure, but make sure you’re ready for it all. Communication is key… Let him know your fears and concerns so he can help you overcome them. Deployments only work if you work it. Their communication is often limited and you just have to deal with it. Make sure you ask your man how you can contact him while he’s gone and even when you don’t hear from him, reach out. We as the GF/ future spouses will never know fully what they go through. Our job is to remain independently dependent, and more importantly be the giver and not so much the receiver. Make sure that you consider your needs, make every effort to chase your goals, while learning to love your man. Not sure if this helps, but it’s what I wish someone told me before my first deployment. i’m currently embarking on deployment number 2.
Renee
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about 8 months. It hasn’t been too hard the longest he’s been gone is a month but mostly it’s a week here or a few days there. But I miss him the moment I know that he’s gone. I’ve never dated anyone for more than a few months because I’m not very nice or sensitive a lot of the time and I’m busy. I work full time go to college and volunteer for a fire department as support. My family is a tough pill to swallow for a lot guys but not him. He just melded so well into my life and his few weeks or days gone gives us both the space we need and allows us to miss each other without suffocating each other. Lately my fire brothers have noticed that I’m serious about this guy and any girl that’s dreamed off having a bunch of older brothers to protect her… it’s extremely overrated. I know they love me and just worry but they’re questions about if they think I can deal with the time apart and moving around has caused me to really think. I don’t think there is anything I wouldn’t do for my boyfriend… I’ve only ever felt that way for my family. Sadly the tough part isn’t the military life right now. It’s his mom. He’s from Iowa and I’m from California (where he’s stationed) and she is really pushing for him to come home which he really can’t do right now. She told him he had to come home for Christmas but he’s still technically in school so he’s not supposed to. My parents and I talked (they love him) and we offered them our spare bedroom to come down and spend Christmas with us and him (base is a five minute drive from my house). He doesn’t have a big family and Christmas is usually just him and his parents and maybe his grandparents. My family is huge and I’d love to include them. My parents even asked if we could pay for their plane tickets as a Christmas gift. His mom was less than thrilled and hasn’t talked to since declining my offer and letting me know her son will be coming home. He really doesn’t want to and hasn’t spoken to her since she said some awful things about me (it’s been two weeks). I just don’t know what to do… they already had a strained relationship from her smothering him as a child and now it’s getting worse because she has to have her way and he’s an adult trying to find his way. I’ve backed off the mom topic but I don’t want him not talking to her just because I upset her trying to invite her down for Christmas. I’m at a loss rn…
Brooke
At this point, he doesn’t have an option and his mom needs to understand that. It is so generous if you to offer a spare bedroom. She has to remember that he doesn’t really have a life of his own, he’s on government time. You offered and that’s the greatest thing that you can offer his mom. At the same time, I get why she’s upset. Her son can’t come home and that’s very hard. However, she can’t really talk bad about you because you didn’t do anything wrong. You even offered a solution to the problem so you did the best you can do. I agree, lay off the mom topic for awhile. That’s between him and his parents and you did the best you could. Hold your head up high. Also as a side note, I’m planning on getting my EMT license and being a firefighter as well. See ya around the department!
Brooke
I really do need help here. I’m a marine girlfriend and we’ve been together for over a year. We were dating four months before he left for bootcamp so we made it through that, his MCT, and his MOS and then he came home. We are no stranger to long distance. However, he is now stationed in Japan and he’s been there for almost a month and this time feels so different I don’t know why. I still haven’t gotten over him leaving but previously it was never this hard. It always broke my heart but I’m getting pushed to the edge. I have no idea when I might see him again and because I live under my parents roof, I may not be able to visit him in Japan without another person with me. Please ladies I need some advice. I know I’m not new to long distance but I’m getting to the point where I don’t know if I can handle it anymore, even though we love each other so so so much and have been through the long distance before. I’ve given many military girlfriends bootcamp advice and what not but at this point I’m at a complete loss. My heart is shattered. Please help me
Gloria D
Thanks … The article and comments helped me calm me down. Our future isn’t sure.. to what happens, but I like him n he loves me. As he is in US n me in Australia. We met on Facebook and hit off easy. From all the.messages I read here, uncertainty is prime. I am scared as I haven’t experienced it.
Thanks again.
Grace
Hey girls and ladies.
I met this charming US Army Major online .. deployed in middle East. I want ask few things before I go further .. need help. Firstly, if u r deployed in middle East .. can u have kid there. Can he use his fone and has ask for iTunes. It rings alarm bells for.me… Donno what to do..I hve no way for background check. Please help.me . I don’t want to get scammed and scarred for life. Thanks in advance for your help.
Hope D
I have been dating my service member for 14months now…..and in all we have only spent 2months together as he has been away on deployment….this article has really been encouraging for me
KS
Hello, I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year and a half but have known him for 8 years. I’m 24 years old, he was already in the army when we got back in contact, from there we got into a relationship. He told me from the start that he would have to go away on tour but he didn’t when. I was very unsure at the start if I wanted to get into a relationship as the army thing was a big factor for me. We gave it a chance we are still going. I love him very much and want to spend the rest of my life with him. He is currently away on tour and has been for 10weeks now. He is due back in 2 months. I’m finding it very hard at this point. The start was very hard as he couldn’t contact me for the first few days and when he did we didn’t speak property as the internet is very bad over there. He’s contacts me but isn’t that often. I understand but I can’t help being annoyed and angry. I get worried and when he doesn’t contact me I think the worst. It is being very hard and I am having a hard time coping with it. He makes me angry and I don’t know why. I guess its because I’m missing him. When he gets back he needs to go away again for 3 months and I don’t know if I will be able to handle it as I am finding it very difficult now. We are going to talk about it when he gets back. Advice would be appreciated. Thanks.
Jen
My boyfriend and i have been together for five years. We started dating long before he began his service and now are about a year into his five year term and i totally understand this. I get very anxious when we have long stretches of no communication and ya it gets awful frustrating. I am still trying to work out the best ways to avoid these feelings. What i have found has helped us a TON has been writing. He and i have shared and processed a lot of issues through letters. Writing to him has always made me feel better, even if i do not send it. Get it all out there and when you read it back later, you often realize its not as bad as it seemed at the time. When you get to be together, make time for you two alone and keep it simple. Often, once you get to the point of seeing him again, you find that the next time apart doesn’t seem so scary. You’ve accomplished this before. If nothing i have said is helpful, i apologize, but i totally get it girl. Stay strong
KS
Hey thanks for your comment. I think the letter thing will be a good idea, it will get everything off my chest. This has been very helpful so thank you. Hope everything is working out with you and your boyfriend. Likewise stay strong 🙂
Tiffany
I’m Tiffany currently living in Ontario Canada, i was going through a break up with my boyfriend which made me so depresssed, i would cry all night wishng he could just come back to me again but he was with the other girl. i was searching for help online when i came accross Lord Kalifat a powerful spell caster whom i contacted and explain the situation of my relationship with my bf to him. he told me that everything will be fine at the time he will be done with the reuniting love spell spell. i contacted him with little or no faith. but it turned into an amazing result. Robert came back to me and i’m just too happy now. this spell caster can be reached on ( 24hrslovespell @ gmail. com ) https: //lovespellsolutiontemple . wordpress. com/contact/
Camille
Hello I have been going through a tough time and I don’t know if how I am feeling is healthy. It might be because of the hormones but I’ve been really sad lately because I can’t be around my boyfriend. He’s in new York and in in Maryland we are 7 hours away from each other. I think that I am being to dependent on him to be my happiness but I know that is not healthy. I definitely know that he is my one true love and that we will get married in the next few years to come. Our one year is in January but we were best friends for a couple of years before we began dating. I want to be able to make myself happy too but I have no hobbies or interests. I go to school and have a part time job as a cashier but I’m not happy unless I’m talking to him. Finals are coming up and I feel so unmotivated. Im a week late of my period and I think that is where all of hormones are coming from but I just don’t want to be the one that ruins the relationship because I’m not independent. He just graduated OSUT in October and he’s coming back December 20th so I will only have seen him 1 day in six months which was definitely not long enough. Im hoping once I see him again I will feel a lot better. Right now he is on a 10 day field op so I won’t really be hearing from him but when thats over it will be less than 20 days until I get to see him again. Is there anything that I can do that can help me?
Claudia
Hi guys,
this is really interesting to read and everyone seems to struggle with more or less the same problems. I’m still trying to get my head around all these complications the military brings! I’ve met my Air Force man about six month ago in the UK and it’s going really well. He’s met my family and friends and we’re spending as much time together as possible. He has to leave the UK in July 2019, to go back to the States for good.
It’s way too early to talk about anything, he doesn’t even know where he will be based! I’m trying to be happy about every day we have together but sometimes I just can’t help it but be sad. As I’m generally up for an adventure and I’m only a permanent resident in the UK, I would be up for a new adventure. But visa regulations are very strict in the US and I’m don’t think that’ll be easy.
Hope there’s anyone who might have any ideas, comments or recommendations 🙂 xxx