Being a military girlfriend is a difficult role for many young women in today’s military community. And I do mean, girlfriends. This short series of posts is written directly for my readers, who email me each and every week, sharing their struggles. This amazing group of young women always refer to themselves as a military girlfriend.
Time and time again, I hear their struggles and it causes me reflect on my years as a military girlfriend. Even though it was only a few short years ago, it feels like forever. Our lives are different now: We live in Japan, we have a toddler and a baby on the way, and I work from home running my own business. It’s a far cry from my days on the East Coast as a military girlfriend when I struggled to find my place in the military life world.
So if you find yourself filling the role of military girlfriend, you are not alone. You are among friends who understand these exact problems…
Related:
- Where to Find Helpful MilSO Groups Online for Support and Encouragement
- 42+ Top Missing Him Quotes to Send Your Long Distance Boyfriend
- 101 Long Distance Relationship Quotes to Keep a Strong Relationship
Your relationship endures separations well before it’s ready.
Separations are a part of life, but they are heavily prevalent in military life. Many pre-marital military relationships experience long-term separations over a long geographical distances. This creates a difficult scenario for young relationships to even have the chance to survive.
Getting on base is sort of an ordeal.
Sometimes it even feels a little embarrassing if you need to get a base pass. Standing in line with your significant other each time you need to get a vehicle pass starts to feel a bit unwelcoming. Thankfully, you only need this on rare occasions when you need to drive on base alone to meet him somewhere.
You need your hand held to purchase anything at the Commissary or PX.
One of my most embarrassing moments was shopping at the PX and realizing I wasn’t allowed to actually make the purchase. I do understand now why only service members, retirees and family members are allowed to make a purchase. At the time however, it never dawned on me that I wouldn’t be allowed to buy something at a store simply because I wasn’t married.
Related: 13 Deployment Gift Ideas for Your Military Boyfriend
People look down on you if your significant other gives you any sort of legal rights.
A Power of Attorney is a powerful thing and should not be granted unless absolutely necessary, but there is a time and place when a Power of Attorney is necessary in a non-marital relationship. I cannot think of another profession or community where legal marriage and legal rights are such a prominent part of everyday life.
You grapple with when is truly the right time for marriage.
Because legal rights are at the forefront of the military community, you often consider just getting married already. Things like deployments and PCS moves weigh heavily on your decision to marry. In any other profession, this is typically not the case.
You struggle to know if you should stay or go during a PCS.
If you are a military girlfriend and your service member receives orders to PCS, you are forced to decide stay or go. If you go, you are uprooting your life and picking up the tab for it. It’s not easy to leave behind school, a career, friends and family for a relationship that may or may not be destined for marriage.
If you stay, you create a challenging long distance relationship scenario OR you end the relationship, which is challenging and sad as well.
You are seen as transient.
Many military girlfriends come and go in the military community. This is one of the reasons why the title of military girlfriend seems to carry the transient label. It feels discouraging some days. Many of those in military relationships choose to marry young, some only months into their relationship. I can only imagine feeling transient plays a huge role in couples marrying quickly.
Whether you are a military girlfriend years or months into military life, I applaud you. It is challenging, and I know you are filled with immense strength, heart and determination to carry the weight.
The road of military life is rewarding, yet filled with ups and downs, and your time as a military girlfriend will prepare you for all that is yet to come. Don’t rush leaving behind the challenging role of military girlfriend for the wrong reasons. Years down the road, you’ll feel grateful for this time of immeasurable growth.
Want more on military life?
- The One Thing You Miss Most During Deployment
- Military Girlfriend to Military Life: One Important Lesson You’ll Never Forget
- The Best Advice for the Military Girlfriend
- Are Military Spouses Unknowingly Violating OPSEC?
- 7 Bootcamp Graduation Gifts That Will Make Your Service Member Smile
- The Brutally Honest Guide to Dating a Military Man
What’s your biggest struggle as a military girlfriend? Let’s chat in the comments!
Katrina
Hello, me and my boyfriend gave been dating for 2 years and he has been in basic training for the past 3 weeks and I have gotten a total of 10 letters so far but its still the hardest thing I have ever done! I keep hearing stories about men cheating on there girlfriends once they hit tech school and I know I can trust my boyfriend but it still scares the crap out of me. I have no clue how anyone deals with this cause I feel alone and all I feel like doing is laying in bed all day and do nothing, could someone please give me advice?
Ayhan H Aslam
Hi,
I am a new military girlfriend and am immersed in a completely different internal and external world than that of my relatively new boyfriend who is a Marines. I currently live in LA, but am originally from NYC and will be moving back in the summer. His base is in San Diego. He’s currently at the border. We met in October of 2018 and really began talking in December. He told me early on how much I meant to him and that he even loved me. He said he knew what he wanted and it’s a family, children etc and me. I’m 30 and I feel I am much more experienced than him, though he seems mature for his age. He is 23. I obviously have my guard up given the age gap. I also am ready to settle down and don’t want my time wasted. We have been relatively consistent, but he was assigned to the border the first week of Feb and won’t be returning home until the first week of April. I had no idea things would be this difficult as again, I was clueless to what being involved with someone in the military entails. I did some research and found this blog which was so reassuring to know I’m not alone. However, last Thursday we spoke because he sensed I was having doubts. I really was just trying to protect my heart and felt foolish to tell him that I was suffering from depression or whatever and needed him to be more present given that he’s serving our country and never complains. Now I am questioning everything. He doesn’t always seem like a real person to me, but somehow when he calls or reaches out I get reeled back in and the doubt goes away. Anyway, we spoke last Thursday and haven’t had time to really talk and have expectations. I haven’t heard from him since last Thursday. Its been a week and no text. I’m so worried about him. I wish he’d let me know if he’s okay. I’m also upset and feel like I don’t wish to get played or get my heart broken. I don’t know what to do or if this is normal or if he’s playing me or if he has ghosted me.
Lori
I’m a military girlfriend. My boyfriend is in the National Guard and recently returned from a year long deployment. We’ve been together off and on for about 8 years but for the last 3 we were (I thought) committed and serious. We are both over 35 and military life is not new for us, he’s been deployed as a marine before and I am a divorced military spouse. Here’s my story. The day I dropped him off at the base to begin his deployment, I received a message that Included pictures from a woman in our hometown that he’d been seeing her for months behind my back. They work together at his civilian job. I called him right away and he admitted everything. With him deploying to Afghanistan I made the decision to support him despite this so he was in a stable frame of mind while away. He was extremely ashamed and thankful for my forgiveness. We moved forward. In August he arrived in country to their final destination and I started sending him care packages, taking care of things here at home for him (we don’t live together) and we talked on WhatsApp everyday. Things seemed as good as I could’ve imagined. This was my first experience with deployment but we both agreed we were doing great. We didn’t talk about his cheating. He encouraged me while I finished school and in March I graduated with my Bachelors degree. I was also helping do things for his mom who lived in his house. She had no car and I would take her to the store and several times gave her money to help out. I helped her take care of a few things at his house and bought food for his dog. In April as his Battalion was preparing to come back stateside, he changed drastically and unexpectedly. A small miscommunication in a phone call with a bad connection led to him cutting all communication off with me. He thought I said something I didn’t, I thought he hung up on me. It was the first time we’d had any problem at all. After a couple of weeks of no communication and me not even knowing what was wrong he started to text but he was very angry, hateful and would engage me in mind games. Pretending he was excited to come home and see me then telling me he was only kidding and never wanted to see me again. I did my best to just stay calm and roll with it all. I knew I didn’t know what he was dealing with over there. Before he left we had made promises to eachother – some big some small but meaningful and I vowed to keep those so he felt my stability and loyalty. He made it stateside the middle of May and began out processing. He communicated with me some- but I could feel his depression. He even at one point said he was in a bad place and depressed. I started sending him at least one encouraging quote or funny meme every morning and checking on him at the end of every day. I should also mention that during this time his mom that I had been so good to started rumors about me with all of the family. Outrageous rumors without a single truth in them. My boyfriend arrived home 3 days ago. While he had promised me I would be the first person to see him when he came home. He found another ride home and sent me a text to bring his car to him once he was at his house. I saw him for maybe an hour, he and I have hardly communicated and he has already left on a vacation with his mother and kids. I feel as though I’m still in shock. I don’t even know where our relationship is and one minute I’m fine and the next I’m confused and then I’m grieving. I need advice on how to proceed. Is this normal behavior? I feel as though he’s now a total stranger and at this point I want to do what’s best for him but I’m not sure what that is because he’s all over the place.
Titch
Hiya,
So I’ve been seeing my boyfriend for over 2 years (coming up to three) and in a proper relationship for just shy of a year. He’s been stationed abroad so I’m used to seeing him once every month or so but recently he’s been sent on exercise in Canada. I’m finding it really hard because of the time difference and what’s made it worse is they’ve taken their phones away. He was sent away about 2 months ago. I’m hoping for a letter and I’m yet to recieve one but I realise he’s busy. I’m just finding this so difficult and I miss him so much, I have another nearly 3 months to go and I just wanted advice on how to ease it.
Mya
Hi there, I came upon this article while researching some different opportunities for myself and my boyfriend. He currently attends VMI, and I go to Duquesne University. He holds an officer position in the RDC, is majoring in civil engineering, and has committed to serving in the Army. I am currently finishing my RN-BSN degree. Anyway, he plans on proposing within the next year as we finish school. Im interested in the difference between joining the Nurse Corps as a direct commission vs. living on base with him as a civilian nurse. Im learning more and more as I research and listen to others experiences. If anyone has any advice or knows anything about these topics… Please let me know!
Erin Flatt
My boyfriend told me before we started dating that he was planning on joining the army. Two months into our relationship he left for basic for three months. I went down to see him graduate and I was so nervous on if he’d still want to be with me. I told him I loved him and he said “he knew” because I drove 12 hours to see him, three months passed and I went back down to see him at AIT. I was terrified because by that time we’d been together 8 months and he hadn’t told me he loved me after I told him. I was super awkward and terrified because I didn’t know how to handle if he didn’t say it back. I’ve read this page over and over again. It’s really helped to be honest. I’m terrible with separation I always have been but with him it all feels worth it. Our 1 year is next month and he’s finally coming home this week for two weeks before he goes to Korea for a year. I’m worried because I need to have a more or less serious conversation with him. Because although we’ve had discussions about the future where it was implied we’d be together I need to know if that’s something he really wants with me and I’m scared. I’m completely in love with him and I’m nervous about the time zone difference. It’s hard to hear my friends say that going to see their boyfriends is hard because he’s like an hour to thirty minutes away or that they can’t spend enough time with their significant other or that they spend too much time with their significant other. Although these few months have really helped me grow and be more independent I can’t help but worry about our future and if I’ll always just be waiting for him to come back.
Amy
Hey there, my name is Amy and I have to say I am not a military GF but my daughter is, she has been dating her Marine for about 7 months now. She will be going into her senior year of HS this coming fall and he will be hitting his 1 year mark in the Marines in June. We live in TN and he is based in California (which is actually perfect because we have so much family and friends out there it is easy for us to come visit or for me to send her to visit). I am very supportive of their relationship, even made sure we went to FL when he finished MOS school before he went to California so they could see each other before he left and him and I have even somewhat gotten close. He comes to me for advice for her or if he is worried about her for something and that is why I have been looking for some advice. This might be a little on the different side, but he is the one I am worried about, not her. She is the most understanding and patient girl I have seen when it comes to this. She doesn’t freak out if she doesn’t hear from him because she knew what she was getting herself into when she met him. He even waited till he finished Boot Camp before he asked her to be his GF. Recently he finished his C school and his now with his new unit that he has been assigned to for the next 3 years. The last two weeks have been extremely stressful for him, he has been overwhelmed and extremely busy and he sent me a message asking me if his relationship with my daughter worried me, of course I said no, because I see how well she has done with it. He told me that he was worried that he was unhealthy for her because he doesn’t feel he is what a BF should be. I guess she messaged him randomly not too long ago saying she needed him and he couldn’t be there for him. (When he was doing his schooling yes it was much easier for him, but now he is so consumed with his new unit at the moment he couldn’t) He now feels guilty and unhealthy for her. I told him that she is ok and I know what the problem was and she got through it just fine and that she isn’t as bad as he believes it to be. I asked him if he loved her, he told me Unconditionally, and I told him to trust that, he told me he would, he was just worried! I know he is stressed, overwhelmed and trying to figure out where his place is in his new unit. I know this is different coming from a mom, but he came to me and I just want to help!! I should also mention that since this virus outbreak, two trips for them to see each other have been canceled which I think adds to the situation. But once lockdown is lifted we are planning a trip out to see him. How can I reassure him she is ok? How can I reassure him it is just all in his head and he is overthinking all of this? Any and all advice will be extremely helpful!
Kathy
This really make me feel better, I have a year and 5 months with my boyfriend and I havent seen him for 5 months and we rarely talk, it is really hard and sometimes I feel this is not going to work, but I want to makes this work. but knowing that this is hard for a lot of people that are in the same situation and supporting each makes me feel better.
Nialejia Nunnery
I have a different story than others, I’ve met my boyfriend online in Aug 2019. I didn’t know he was in the military and active duty until he told me. He ended up flying from CO to LA just to come meet me and spend time with me before he deployed to Cuba in Nov. We’ve been dating for almost a year now, and planning on getting married when he PCS. I have no worries about marriage but I am curious on how to tell my parents. I’ve been told to spend more time with him but its different when he isn’t near me. I just need advice, anybody can contact me, reply, anything! my email is Itzyourworld17@gmail.com
Indiah D
Hello everyone, My name is Indiah I am currently going to be a Junior in High school in the 2020-21 School year and my boyfriend will be a Senior he is in ROTC and has been in it for a long time now after he graduates he plans on entering the Marines I have been trying to prepare myself mentally but I don’t know how to we said that after he serves his first term in the Marines I would get pregnant to carry his child but the fact of not knowing what could happen scares me I’m new to this and need advice can anyone reply to message and help me