MilSpouse LifeBeing a military girlfriend is a difficult role for many young women in today’s military community. And I do mean, girlfriends. This short series of posts is written directly for my readers, who email me each and every week, sharing their struggles. This amazing group of young women always refer to themselves as a military girlfriend.
Time and time again, I hear their struggles and it causes me reflect on my years as a military girlfriend. Even though it was only a few short years ago, it feels like forever. Our lives are different now: We live in Japan, we have a toddler and a baby on the way, and I work from home running my own business. It’s a far cry from my days on the East Coast as a military girlfriend when I struggled to find my place in the military life world.
So if you find yourself filling the role of military girlfriend, you are not alone. You are among friends who understand these exact problems…
Related:
- Where to Find Helpful MilSO Groups Online for Support and Encouragement
- 42+ Top Missing Him Quotes to Send Your Long Distance Boyfriend
- 101 Long Distance Relationship Quotes to Keep a Strong Relationship
Your relationship endures separations well before it’s ready.
Separations are a part of life, but they are heavily prevalent in military life. Many pre-marital military relationships experience long-term separations over a long geographical distances. This creates a difficult scenario for young relationships to even have the chance to survive.
Getting on base is sort of an ordeal.
Sometimes it even feels a little embarrassing if you need to get a base pass. Standing in line with your significant other each time you need to get a vehicle pass starts to feel a bit unwelcoming. Thankfully, you only need this on rare occasions when you need to drive on base alone to meet him somewhere.
You need your hand held to purchase anything at the Commissary or PX.
One of my most embarrassing moments was shopping at the PX and realizing I wasn’t allowed to actually make the purchase. I do understand now why only service members, retirees and family members are allowed to make a purchase. At the time however, it never dawned on me that I wouldn’t be allowed to buy something at a store simply because I wasn’t married.
Related: 13 Deployment Gift Ideas for Your Military Boyfriend
People look down on you if your significant other gives you any sort of legal rights.
A Power of Attorney is a powerful thing and should not be granted unless absolutely necessary, but there is a time and place when a Power of Attorney is necessary in a non-marital relationship. I cannot think of another profession or community where legal marriage and legal rights are such a prominent part of everyday life.
You grapple with when is truly the right time for marriage.
Because legal rights are at the forefront of the military community, you often consider just getting married already. Things like deployments and PCS moves weigh heavily on your decision to marry. In any other profession, this is typically not the case.
You struggle to know if you should stay or go during a PCS.
If you are a military girlfriend and your service member receives orders to PCS, you are forced to decide stay or go. If you go, you are uprooting your life and picking up the tab for it. It’s not easy to leave behind school, a career, friends and family for a relationship that may or may not be destined for marriage.
If you stay, you create a challenging long distance relationship scenario OR you end the relationship, which is challenging and sad as well.
You are seen as transient.
Many military girlfriends come and go in the military community. This is one of the reasons why the title of military girlfriend seems to carry the transient label. It feels discouraging some days. Many of those in military relationships choose to marry young, some only months into their relationship. I can only imagine feeling transient plays a huge role in couples marrying quickly.
Whether you are a military girlfriend years or months into military life, I applaud you. It is challenging, and I know you are filled with immense strength, heart and determination to carry the weight.
The road of military life is rewarding, yet filled with ups and downs, and your time as a military girlfriend will prepare you for all that is yet to come. Don’t rush leaving behind the challenging role of military girlfriend for the wrong reasons. Years down the road, you’ll feel grateful for this time of immeasurable growth.
Want more on military life?
- The One Thing You Miss Most During Deployment
- Military Girlfriend to Military Life: One Important Lesson You’ll Never Forget
- The Best Advice for the Military Girlfriend
- Are Military Spouses Unknowingly Violating OPSEC?
- 7 Bootcamp Graduation Gifts That Will Make Your Service Member Smile
- The Brutally Honest Guide to Dating a Military Man
What’s your biggest struggle as a military girlfriend? Let’s chat in the comments!
Hi there,
I need help in answering a question. I am a military girlfriend of an Army Reservist who wants to go to an extended job training at Ft. Sam Houston. The problem is we will (at that point because I am pregnant) two small dependent children. I am trying to find an answer outside of his simple “we just need to get married” solution. Am I allowed to live on base if I am the primary caregiver? What is the difference in pay for him in terms of having two child dependents vs. an additional adult dependent (if we were to marry). I have lots of reasons marriage is not a good choice for us. So I would just like to know the options. Thanks for the help.
So this ignores all dual-mil and “military boyfriends” of service members…
Please, for the love of god, only service members get deployed, get orders, have rank, etc! Easily the most frustrating part of saying you’re in the military is the combined attitude of significant others that 1) they are special due to their dating status and 2) the female service members are just there to “steal your man” (trust me, I didn’t put up with the rest of it for THAT).
I get it, it can be hard, but posts like this don’t help. (For the record, neither does getting married.)
I have been with my boyfriend and have lived together for 3 1/2 years before he has joined. He is leaving in a week for basic and we just found out that he was leaving so soon a little over a week ago. We thought that we would have time and have talked about getting married before he left but that was when we thought he was going to leave a few months down the road. And I just have so many emotions I don’t know how I feel about it. Like when will we have time to marry. And why do I feel so against it now just because I feel like we’re getting married because that’s the only way to live together
I’ve been with my boyfriend for about a year and a half now, off and on, and he is currently at the end of his 5th week at bootcamp. He’s planning on being in active duty for 3 years and we don’t know where he’s going to be stationed at yet. The only way we communicate now is through letters, which part of me loves, but the other part hates because I can’t hear his voice or see him. Some days are hard and we’re trying to figure out what we’re going to do so we can be together when he gets out of bootcamp, but it’s hard. And I’m afraid that I won’t be able to stay with him while he’s stationed since we aren’t married. But we are also 18-19 years old so it’s still too early to get married. We just graduated high school together; we aren’t ready to get married just yet. At least not for another couple years. Maybe once he’s done with active duty. But some days are so hard and painful because I can’t be with him physically. And my friends find it hard to believe that him and I are going to make it because of our rough beginning to our relationship. But we know now that we just want to be together and that there is nobody else for either of us. I want to find some other military girlfriends around my age that I can talk to about this kind of stuff because I know how it feels. Talking to someone who understands would help so much.
Girl hang in their we are in the same boat ( we didn’t get married) it’s not bad as everyone makes it seems lol.
I am getting station overseas and my fiancé proposed to me right before I got my orders, is there anyway he can come with me?
NEED ADVICE! lol
I have just read about two posts on this site and it really gave me a lot of insight and comfort knowing I’m not alone. My boyfriend leaves for boot camp in a couple short months and we have been dating for 3 years now and knew each other all throughout high school before that. Since we have lived together for two years now, I can’t imagine my daily life routine without him in it. I’ve been struggling the last two days knowing the hard times that are yet to come. We don’t plan on rushing and getting married before he leaves and in fact don’t really plan on it for another year or so, and after researching and reading articles I didn’t realize how limited you are being “just a military girlfriend.” Although my spirits are low at the moment I am so thankful to have posts to read like this one, and reading everyone’s comments of overcoming hardships in military relationships. I always love hearing any advice or tips <3 thank you!
I respect everything that you have written in this blog. Please continue to provide wisdom to more people like me.
I’ve been a military wife over 6 years now. We got married just before he got deployed. (He’s serving 4 years out in the military he has a year left of serving ). I know it’s hard I know you get sleepless nights with the kids are asking when their daddy’s coming home. I know we can’t be with our spouses while they are being stationed but I suggest keeping in touch with them by text Messages, writing letters, if you are lucky enough to face time each other. Being a military wife is not easy but I’ve always been so strong through it all. Being a military wife makes you feel proud , some times gets you emotional. Talking and Keeping in touch with other military wives helps, I keep regularly keep in touch with my husband via text messages ( some military bases don’t allow face timing) .But hearing from your spouse by letter writing, text messages etc makes you relieved of hearing from him but once your spouse has completed the mission you and your kids will be so happier having him home in your loving arms. ( some military spouses return after a year of 2 ). My husband only has to complete the 4 years that’s he’s signed up to. Just knowing your spouse is out there fighting for what he’s left behind Not what’s in front of him.
My daughter’s boyfriend is in the Air Force and he’s at his first duty station where they got a place together. She has since found out she’s pregnant. Is there any health care benefits available to her without being married?