In working with thousands of parents over the years, I get a lot of questions about toddler aggression: Hitting, kicking, biting – and of course – spitting.
It’s common for their stories to sound something like…
I have a toddler and a baby. And every time the baby gets near him, he tries to hit him, knock him down or push him away.
Or each morning when I try to get my toddler to get ready and out the door, he gets aggressive and starts hitting me.
Other stories start with I told my toddler he couldn’t go back downstairs before bedtime to grab more toys and he spit at me.
Another common scenario is my toddler tries to hit and bite everyone at daycare. He’s going to get kicked out of another daycare. I work full-time. I’m so lost at what to do.
Is this you too?
Toddler aggression…it’s frustrating.
Aggression in toddlers is very common. There are an endless number of scenarios that I regularly hear from parents, and as a parent, who went through this same thing, I can 100 percent relate to what you are going through.
Between the ages of 12 months and 2 years old, my son attempted to bit the ears off other children. Like Mike Tyson style. Downright horrifying to the eyes. His biting behaviors were seemingly unprovoked, and it pretty much made me want to hide in a closet for a very long time. Possibly three years long. That’s normal, right?
And if I’m being honest, I did stop going to a lot of playdates and places with other children around because it was very stressful and upsetting to watch. Constantly trying to manage and control toddler aggression is exhausting.
I remember one time my sister-in-law was visiting us with her 6 month-old daughter. As my son attempted to lay into his cousin like a starving T-Rex for the hundredth time, my sister-in-law laughed, “He’s going in for the chomp again!” I burst into tears and went all the way to ugly cry. Oh yes, yes I did. Because that’s how defeating toddler aggression can feel to a parent.
So…how do you stop toddler aggression?
Funny enough, the answer to that question lies directly IN the question. In working with parents over the years and listening to other parenting “experts,” there is ONE reason why parents get stuck when dealing with toddler aggression.
They’re trying to stop it.
Stay with me.
(Keep reading to the very end before you give up on me.)
If you have a toddler acting aggressively, trying to stop it will only make it worse. Instead, you must help your toddler work through their own anger and aggression.
Here’s why.
All behaviors are drive by 3 healthy needs: experience, connection and power. Whatever children are doing is already meeting those needs.
When toddlers turn to aggression and anger, they are meeting their need for power. If you tell a toddler to stop or put them in time out or say things like “We don’t hit people,” the need for power is still ever-present.
In fact, if you respond with something that tries to control the child, their need for power becomes even greater.
This is why when you say “stop,” toddlers don’t usually stop.
Or when you put them in time out and they won’t go. They keep getting out, and then to drive their point home, they spit at you.
This is your child continuing to try and meet their healthy need for power. It’s just how kids work. Because the need is so strong, they will try to meet it over and over and over again until it’s met.
So what do you do?
Because obviously hitting, biting, kicking or spitting at others is not okay. It hurts and sometimes it’s especially gross when their dirty feet go towards your mouth or they spit in your face.
Yeah, not okay.
I am with you.
In order to help toddlers move themselves out of anger and aggression, you can help them meet their need for power in a way that works for everyone.
This is Language of Listening® and it’s the 3-part parenting framework I use with my own kids. It’s also the framework I teach to parents I work with as a Licensed Language of Listening parent coach.
When you see a toddler acting aggressively, you can say something like this…
“You’re angry and hitting AND I’m not okay with that. You can hit this pillow and pretend it’s [insert person they were trying to hit].”
Now, this is usually where the “experts” like to say that I’m promoting aggression and that the child will grow up violent.
To which I respond, they are 100 percent wrong.
Anger and aggression is not a desired state of being. You can see this in yourself as a parent when you yell and don’t enjoy it or feel completely exhausted later. Raising your voice and feeling angry isn’t all that much fun.
Kids don’t want to stay angry either.
The kids who are likely to seek aggression as they get older are those with upsets that have gone unheard for a very long time. Helping your child facilitate their own anger and aggression will help them move into a calm and relaxed state of being.
It also has the magical power of helping them see they can calm themselves down and that they have control over their emotions (vs. you needing to calm them and do it for them).
Here’s some more examples of responding to an aggressive toddler.
“You’re frustrated and want to bite your sister AND I’m not okay with that. You can bite this pillow.”
“You’re angry and trying to spit at me AND I’m not okay with that. You can spit in the bathroom or outside.”
“He’s knocking over your toys and you want to protect them. I’m not okay with pushing. You can push this chair here. Or you can take your toys to another room to keep them safe from your baby brother.”
Each time that your toddler does not act aggressively with a person, be sure to name that as a STRENGTH. It might sound something like this…
“You hit the pillow instead of your sister. That shows self-control.”
“You kicked the cushion instead of me. You know how to keep everyone safe.”
Helping toddlers move themselves out of anger and aggression is a series of small steps over time toward the behavior you want to see.
Each time your toddler gets upset and does NOT hit anything, not even a cushion, be sure to name that as a STRENGTH.
“You’re angry and you didn’t hit. Wow! You handled that. You know exactly what to do to calm yourself down!”
“You were upset and you took two deep breaths and we talked about it. You can calm yourself even when you’re angry.”
Taking it a step further.
As toddlers start to handle upsets without aggression, you can start offering alternative ways to calm themselves without hitting a pillow or cushion.
“You can rip this paper.”
“You can scream into a pillow.”
“You can take a deep breath.”
“You can talk about your upset.”
The possibilities are always there for kids.
It’s only a matter of helping them feel heard and understood and finding a way to channel the aggression (rather than trying to stop it) WHILE keeping everyone safe.
If you’re struggling with toddler aggression, you don’t know where else to turn. Or if you feel like you’re constantly having to manage your child, you may find the peace and relief you are looking for in this method.
I’ve seen this work with so many kids, and in my own home. If my son can find a way to facilitate his anger, rather than chomping off people’s ears (no offense Mike Tyson), I know there is hope for anyone reading this.
Print this free toddler listening checklist.
This post comes with a free printable checklist to help with toddler listening. I always have the hardest time remembering these phrases. This printable simplifies it!
Here is a sneak preview…
Download Your Free Printable
- Download the checklist. You’ll get the printable, plus join 37,000+ parents who receive my weekly parenting tips and ideas!
- Print. Any paper will do the trick, but card stock would be ideal.
- Place it on your refrigerator. Check things off as you go and don’t forget a thing!
Effie P.
I babysit my niece (3) and have 2 kids of my own (5,3) and my niece has always been very aggressive pretty much since she could control her arms. Her parents do this style of correction and it doesn’t seem to be stopping anything at all. I am told to give her a couch cushion (or a firmer pillow) to punch, kick, and bite or to give her quiet time in my daughters room for a bit. She like a well oiled machine does the same thing every time. She attacks one of the kids, I calmly direct her to a cushion, she wails on it, then she “calms down” for 5 to 15 minutes before jumping on to a kid and wailing on them. I calmly send her to have quiet time in the girls room and she will always destroy something in there (curtains, beds, toys, etc. You name it) and come out calm. Then within 30 minutes shes attacking the kids, pets, or me seemingly unprovoked. My kids went through an aggressive phase but, when they were punished they stopped for at least a couple hours. I wasn’t harsh on them because they were both late talkers and I figured they were just so frustrated. However, my 3 year old has just started saying “Mama” and “Dada” and she is not anywhere near as aggressive as my niece who speaks just fine. I can’t take my kids to the park, etc because I can’t carry a cushion around so she can beat it up if she is provoked by something or someone and my daughters have to walk on egg shells around her because they could touch the wrong nerve with her and get attacked. I have tried so, so many ways to deal with her aggression, she has her own toys my daughters are not allowed to touch. She refuses to ride by my daughters in the van so, my daughters sit in the back row and she gets the middle bench to herself, and she does not share anything except oxygen. I am at the absolute end of my rope, its embarrassing but I actually have to take a few minutes before answering the door when my sister brings her over because it is such a mental beating interacting with her. I have had a thought or two about just smacking her across the face when she banshee screams and sinks her teeth into my daughters. I know how disgusting that sounds and I am so ashamed of myself for it. I have talked to my sister and mother many, many times about her behaviour and they all just wave it off as “shes a kid” or “shes very passionate” etc. And if I can’t get help soon, I am going to just stop answering my door when she shows up. She can have her toys, whatever, just leave my kids and me alone. I’m tired of people looking at me like I abuse my children because they have bruises and bite Mark’s on their bodies but I can’t walk around with a bullhorn shouting the horrors their subjected to at the hands of their cousin 6 days a week.
Anyway, I’m sorry about the rant. But is there anything you can suggest for helping my situation? I’ll try anything appropriate to handle her. Seriously.
Thank you, I appreciate your time.
Lauren Tamm
Effie, I can tell you really are at the end of your rope. You’ve tried everything to help your niece, and now, not only is it not working, but it’s negatively impacting your kids ability to visit the park…or just survive the day without a bite mark or bruise. That’s not okay with you! You’re clear on that boundary, and I can tell all sorts of red flags are flying up for you right now. It’s exhausting to feel like you have to protect your kids from constant aggression. It’s like your niece controls you and the whole situation, leaving you to walk on eggshells so she doesn’t explode in a few minutes. You must feel trapped! At this point, you’re ready to resort to violence or lock her out in order to get her to stop because you don’t know what else to do. It’s defeating!
But you haven’t give up yet! You’re here reading online searching for answers, which tells me you still believe there is another solution out there. Reading your comment, it sounds like she is pretty aggressive throughout the day. And while it comes across as unprovoked, there is likely a much deeper message or issue going on for her. Without knowing more about the situation, I can’t be certain about what her specific underlying messages are; however, the biggest overarching message is that she is feeling very out of control and desperate to have her message heard. You can see that when you put her in quiet time and she goes on to destroy something. It’s just another layer of aggression coming out. She has a very high need for power – all consistent aggression points to her needing more power and control. This is likely a series of unheard upsets that are starting to build and it’s showing up as unprovoked or behavior that seems “out of nowhere.” The first step to helping her move out of aggression and into other behaviors would be to look for ways that she can have power and control that you are OKAY with. The more you can help meet her healthy need for power in ways that you ARE okay with, the less she will need to use aggression to show you how desperate she is to control any and every situation. So basically, you’re creating the overarching structure and she is helping to decide on the rules within that structure. This helps her feel more power and control while still keeping you in the authority role. That probably sounds pretty vague to you, so for more information on that, you can check out these two posts here: Setting limits with strong willed kids and Dealing With Controlling Kids? The “Secret Sauce” for Gaining Cooperation Overall, the challenges with your niece have a lot of layers. If you’re at the point where you’re wanting more 1:1 support from me, you may enjoy my Raising Little Listeners course. Inside, I work with all course members directly and coach them through situations step-by-step both on live calls and in a private group forum as they go through the lessons. If you’re signed up for my parenting email list, I’ll shoot you an email as soon as it opens for enrollment.
Nida
My son just turned two and now he’s all aggressive and screams and hit on almost everything. He’s a very clingy baby and usually wants me to get involved with him in WHATEVER he do which makes me a little (*Read very) annoyed at times and I just lose my cool. Recently I’ve started yelling at him because I’m just unable to control my anger and my patience level has gone to zero I suppose. I know it’s impacting him and his behaviour but I just can’t take his behaviour at times. How do I control the situation. 😐
Zan
This is exactly my situation and how I feel at the moment. I’m sooo frustrated I myself want to punch a wall and cry
walker
Hi,
My 2 1/2 son keeps getting incident reports at daycare for hitting, slapping, and multiple temper tantrums. It’s very frustration. He engages in unprovoked aggression that has the daycare workers worried. It’s embarrassing to know that they parents are aware that he’s the hitter. I’ve tried talking quietly but assertive, getting down to his level and looking him in they eye, and time outs. NOTHING works. We tell him to stop and he yell NO no matter what. This behavior happens everyday. He hits his sisters, the dog, me, and his dad. No one is safe. I don’t do play dates and am on eggshells every time the daycare calls. I AM SO LOST. I feel like a failure.
walker
Hi,
My 2 1/2 son keeps getting incident reports at daycare for hitting, slapping, and multiple temper tantrums. It’s very frustration. He engages in unprovoked aggression that has the daycare workers worried. It’s embarrassing to know that they parents are aware that he’s the hitter. I’ve tried talking quietly but assertive, getting down to his level and looking him in they eye, and time outs. NOTHING works. We tell him to stop and he yell NO no matter what. This behavior happens everyday. He hits his sisters, the dog, me, and his dad. No one is safe. I don’t do play dates and am on eggshells every time the daycare calls. I AM SO LOST. I feel like a failure.
Rajnee
This is such a good article.
My son it about 3, he has quite a rage and doesn’t want to go to school (playschool), we have had a long period of lockdown due to Covid19 and now that things are getting better. He refuses to do stuff. He refuses to wash his face (due to Covid test – we had to do couple of times, due to our travel history). Now everything becomes a tasks and more, he cries too much and starts hitting if he doesn’t get his way.
We try to keep calm as much as possible, but there are days when I cannot control my emotions and yelled at him. Sometimes I feel we are in a war-zone. I wish I could find a way for him to overcome his fear and even be able to get him to communicate that why he is so angry and doesn’t want to go to school/ have a bath.
Crystal
My son recently turned two and has been biting unprovoked at his daycare. Biting the same kid over and over again. I’m embarrassed and worried every time the daycare calls me. We have tried teethers and have him being redirected with a book away from the other kids at daycare. I don’t like that he can’t play with others but feel its safer for him and the others. He is having a hard time trying to communicate with us. I’m worried he is going to be kicked out soon. My daycare is really not helping me find a solution to stop or correct this behavior. Any help is appreciated.