Raising Kids
Inside this post: How to discipline a 2 year-old using seven key principles. Easy-to-implement, these positive discipline tips can transform your house from chaos to peace.
It took less than 60 seconds for my son to go from calm and happy to full-blown tears. I picked him up from daycare and I thought, “Wow. He’s so relaxed. This is going to be a great afternoon.”
Wrong.
After hopping in the car and getting him buckled, I proceeded to drive home. But apparently, I took a wrong turn because my 2 year-old started wailing that I was “GOING THE WRONG WAY!”
I reminded him that today was Wednesday and we needed to go home. Plus, it was raining and it wasn’t a good afternoon for the park.
This explanation got me absolutely nowhere and I was serenaded the remainder of the ten minute drive home with screams and wails in soprano.
Soon to follow was my complaining child screaming and lying on the ground in the parking lot, along with “I don’t like you” and “No, I’m not going inside!”
It was so magical, complete strangers stopped to watch this performance.
Related: 2 Year-Old Sleep Schedule That Helps Everyone Get More Sleep
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Disciplining a 2 year-old is hard work.
When your 2 year-old isn’t listening and you’ve had it up to your eyeballs in toddler tantrums and power struggles, use these seven principles to guide you.
Throughout my training as a Language of Listening® coach, I’ve learned how well these “magical easy buttons” can shift our home from chaotic to peaceful.
1. Skip logic.
The toddler brain does not lend itself to logic. To be honest, logic doesn’t even begin to take hold until age 6 or 7.
Offering long-winded explanations for why a child can’t do something only drains your energy and leaves you feeling frustrated.
Which is precisely why telling my 2 year-old son that “today was Wednesday and we needed to go home” only infuriated him more.
Instead of explanations, you can try using a technique called SAY WHAT YOU SEE®, where you simply describe what is happening without fixing, judgement, or teaching.
This immediately helps kids feel like “you get it.” That you totally and completely understand the gut wrenching emotions he or she is experiencing when you drive the car in the “wrong” direction.
2. Once is always.
Have you ever taken your child to the store and bought them a toy or a treat? And the next time you go to the store you hear, “But you always buy me a toy!!!”
Kids live almost entirely in the moment, and everything happening in that moment is their WHOLE world.
Truly.
Everything happening right now in the moment–to your child–is all the exists in the whole world.
So when something happens once, the child will expect it to happen always.
When your child gets to stay up late one night, he will expect to stay up late the night after that.
When your child gets a cookie before dinner one night, she will expect to get a cookie before dinner the night after that.
Related: Yelling at Kids: The Most Important Thing to Do After You Yell
When disciplining a 2 year-old you could keep everything the same forever and ever, but that’s not realistic.
Here are a few things you can do….
- Offer consistency and routines as much as you can (we use these printable routine cards)
- Help your child know that you understand (“Voice a feeling, start healing” is an awesome tool!)
- Help them learn to cope with change (problem solving towards a solution that works for everyone).
It might be as simple as saying, “Oh, you thought you were going to get a toy today. And this is hard for you. You can put it on your birthday or Christmas list. Let’s write it down so we don’t forget.”
3. Not now is never.
The opposite of “once is always” is also true! If your child always spends afternoons at the park, the day you don’t go means you will never go again.
This is why kids get so emotionally devastated over something that seems minuscule to adults.
In my mind, I kept rolling my eyes wondering what the big deal was, while my son was in the back seat believing he would never see his special park again–ever.
It’s the same reason why a child may completely meltdown after not getting to see their mom. If the child is used to seeing their mom everyday and she is suddenly gone for work, the child wholeheartedly believes not seeing mom now means seeing mom never.
That’s huge!
To help your child through the situation, the best thing to do is to…
- Offer consistency and routines as much as you can (we use these printable routine cards)
- Help your child know that you understand (empathy is another powerful tool!)
- Help them learn to cope with change (problem solving towards a solution that works for everyone).
It might be as simple as saying, “You’re worried you’ll never see me again.” Or “You think we’ll never go back to park again. We can go tomorrow.”
It won’t stop the emotions altogether, but it will help shorten both the intensity and the duration.
Related: 4 Surprising Reasons Why Empathy Doesn’t Work
4. Skip questions.
If you walk up to a child that doesn’t know you very well, chances are they will take a few steps back or respond to your questions with one word answers.
However, if you walk up to a child and start with observations (i.e. You’re holding a rock. Looks like you really love that rock!), you will immediately see the walls come down and the child will open up.
The same is true for your own kids too. When you ask, “Why won’t you get dressed?” or “Why don’t you ever listen?” there is a good chance you’ll get a one word response or no response at all, especially when discipling a 2 year-old.
Starting with an observation helps the child feel connected and willing to share…
“Looks like you don’t want to get dressed right now. You can choose the yellow shirt or the blue shirt.”
5. Kids will continue communicate until they feel heard.
When a child is upset about something and an adult says, “You’re fine” or “It’s no big deal” or “Stop crying,” they immediately think that you didn’t understand them.
Which is why you will often hear kids carry on with the screaming, or increase their intensity, when an adult doesn’t seem to understand.
If you don’t seem to get the message the first time, a child will keep trying to communicate until they believe you understand.
The easiest fix?
SAY WHAT YOU SEE®…in the moment, in the child’s world. Here’s a quick example:
“Gosh, this is really hard for you! You want to eat cookies for breakfast and I won’t let you. So frustrating!”
6. Focus on what the child can do.
When kids hear “stop that” or “don’t do that,” they know they shouldn’t do those things, but they also aren’t sure what to do instead.
Related: 3 Phrases to Avoid When Teaching Kids to Listen
Focusing on what the child CAN DO, helps them learn what those alternative behaviors are. It helps them understand what a better choice looks like.
Instead of “Don’t jump on the bed,” you could say, “Looks like you want to jump. You can jump right here on this special mat.”
It’s a very similar message, except you both win because get to keep your boundary and your child still gets to jump.
7. Always name what you like (aka STRENGTHs).
The best parenting lesson I ever learned is “Children act in accordance to who they believe they are.”
If your child believes they are responsible, they will act responsible. If your child believes they are a brat, they will act like a brat.
Each time you see a behavior that you like, name that strength for your child.
Here are just a few examples….
“You put away the toys. That shows you’re tidy.”
“You ate your vegetables. That shows you’re a healthy eater.”
“You were gentle towards your sister. That shows you’re kind and loving.”
“You sat still the entire time we were at the restaurant. That shows self-control.”
“You said ‘please’ and ‘thank you.” That shows you’re polite.”
“You followed mom’s directions. That shows you listen to others.”
Discipline for 2 year-olds…It takes time.
It’s not easy figuring out how to make kids listen. One of the biggest changes we saw in our home occurred after using a set of printable routine cards with our oldest. I wish I had them when he was two.
It gave him more control throughout the day and resulted in a lot less nagging, reminding and yelling from me.
While our son is past the 2 year-old stage, all of these principles still apply and will for years to come.
Plus, our daughter is fast approaching the terrific twos, and I have no doubt I will spend many days in the coming year reminding myself of these tips.
Parking lot performances…here we come!
Print this free toddler listening checklist.
This post comes with a free printable checklist to help with toddler listening. I always have the hardest time remembering these phrases. This printable simplifies it!
Here is a sneak preview…
Download Your Free Printable
- Download the checklist. You’ll get the printable, plus join 37,000+ parents who receive my weekly parenting tips and ideas!
- Print. Any paper will do the trick, but card stock
would be ideal. - Place it on your refrigerator. Check things off as you go and don’t forget a thing!
would be ideal.
Want more posts on parenting?
- 10 Best Books on Positive Toddler Discipline
- How to Deal With The Toddler Whining and Crying All The Time
- 2 Year Old Sleep Regression Explained! Why It Happens, How to Fix It
- 2 Year Old Not Listening? Try This Remarkable Tip
- 4 Year Old Not Listening? How to Ditch Defiance and Nurture Cooperation
Keep your toddler engaged during the day:
- 50+ Best Simple Games for 2 Year Olds and Up
- The Ultimate List of Board Games for 2 Year Olds
- 50+ Best Outdoor Toys for Kids That’ll Bring Endless Hours of Fun
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After taking my free email series, you will:
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This is nice and all but what do you do when a child is a danger to themselves? “Oh Johnny, I see you want to run into the road. Let’s play in the sandbox instead” will not work on a persistent 2 year old, especially if you have other kids to look after. And the “yes” space is not always possible to achieve. I find myself stripping away so many things in my house and many of the activities we do because I cannot prevent my 2 year old from hurting himself or our belongings. Positive discipline sounds nice but isn’t always practical, especially when they aren’t the only child.
Hey Abby, Great question! I do have a post on this here: https://themilitarywifeandmom.com/teaching-listening-skills-parking-lot-streets-highways/.
Cheers, Lauren
Pick up the 2 year old and make him go in the store with you its not rocket science …he isbacting that way because he thinks you will tolerate it without any consequences for him be his mother not his friend.
As a Navy mom I had to teach my children not to expect routine. (Or to be always high up on the importance scale.) When Daddy’s ship is visiting another port we will go and spend time with him, doing whatever it takes. We will stay where we can, you will eat whatever seems suitable on the menu, you may find yourself napping on the floor…
And when Daddy is away on a longer trip, we may well go and stay with one of the grandmas for a bit, and we will have to live by their rules.
Obviously cheerfulness in adversity is needed — that is one of the things to praise — and I must take care not to reward bad behaviour with extra attention.
I love the part about not asking questions! I often find myself asking my kids a question when I should be telling them something. For example: “What do you want to eat?” Instead of: “This is your lunch.” I think I’m being helpful by letting them choose by the reality is…I actually know what’s in the refrigerator and they don’t… Thanks for the reminder!
These are great interactions to raise your two year old who needs to understand.
He Lauren, this is a wonderful post. Thank you for sharing. My son is a very sensitive kid, and I believe that these tactics might actually be very beneficial for him, even though he is almost 6. I appreciate the insight and advice.
I was wondering if you might be interested in guest posting on my blog, or some type of collaboration? I have really enjoyed your content and believe that it would be a great addition to my parenting section.
I found your tips useful but I am still struggling to prevent my toddler from putting his clothes and fingers in his mouth. I have tried several approach without any success and sometimes it escalates to tantrum.
When my granddaughters were small and whined, I used to grab my ears and say, “Ow!! That hurts my ears!”
Several times of that and they stopped – at least around me! 😁
I like what you do. Thank you!
My 3.5 yo toddler is still quite a rebel. He screams NEVER in perfect British accent and Leave me Alone! after most of my requests/asks.
He is the third kid but older are gone to college so he is an only child in the end. I end up yelling and trying to rationalize and explain. Both ends are not effective. I will learn from your blog!
Nice blog, thanks for sharing