Raising Kids
I don’t know why a trip to the grocery store with my oldest always results in a public temper tantrum, but it does.
For the longest time, he would exhibit something close to a mental breakdown over the kiddie shopping carts.
Whomever invented those is the bane of my existence.
My son is a strong-willed child, who struggles with transitions and wanting to be in-control of situations. No idea where he got that from!
{Raises hand}
Despite all my best efforts to stave them off, there is rarely a moment when we enter into public places that a tantrum or power struggle doesn’t try to make a grand appearance.
Today my complaining child was enraged because his sister got to sit in the front of the cart and he had to sit in the back of the cart. She’s a baby. He’s in preschool.
Sigh.
What can I say?
A baby in the back of a shopping cart isn’t a reasonable option. He continued with his hysterical crying and I continued with my shopping, hoping that we could get through this and head home in under 10 minutes.
As I placed my bananas in the shopping cart, he threatened to throw them out saying they were “the wrong bananas.” I contemplated leaving. We were never going to finish a shopping trip this way.
Unfortunately, there wasn’t any food in the house that constituted a legit meal, and eating out in public didn’t look like a bright idea either.
If I couldn’t muster a 10-minute grocery trip without one kid screaming, I doubt we’d survive 30 minutes in a restaurant without inserting the fear of God or going insane. Whichever came first.
This was about power.
Tantrums, power struggles or flat out not listening in public is almost always about power balance.
From a developmental standpoint, kids feel like you’re making them doing something like grocery shopping or going to the bank or sitting still at a restaurant, and they feel powerless.
It’s like mom and dad always get to tell them what to do, and they never have a say. All people have a need for power: moms, dads, kids, caregivers, and non-parents too.
So the question of the day is…
How do you meet your child’s need for power while still holding your parenting boundaries?
A quick and easy tip for stopping a power struggle in a pinch.
My son was still flailing around the back of the cart begging for me to put his baby sister back there. In my mom brain fog, a moment of clarity hit: This wasn’t about the back of the cart or the front of the cart or the “wrong bananas.”
This was about him wanting to control something in the situation.
I picked up two oranges, held them into the air, and said “Which do you choose?” He picked the orange he thought we should buy, and I put it into the cart.
Within minutes, he was calm and cooperative.
We moved along the produce section. I picked up two bunches of grapes, extended them out to him, and again asked, “Which do you choose?” He picked the left bunch, which was identical to the right bunch.
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And just like magical fairy dust sprinkled down from the sky, the balance of power was now even.
We did it again and again, aisle-by-aisle, item-by-item until our cart was full. Many of the items he was allowed to choose between were identical. He simply appreciated that the final items landing in the cart was his choice.
Somehow I managed to stop a power struggle at the grocery store.
Here’s why this parenting trick works.
This technique sounds too good to be true, but offering kids the ability to control small choices, reinstates the balance of power and creates peace.
This is very similar to one of my favorite Helpful Phrases, “You have two choices!”
You can play around with how you present two choices to kids: Offering two choices and then finishing with the question, “Which do you choose?” works equally as well as “You have to choices” and then offering the choices.
This simple little choice game can be applied to all sorts of different public situations, like getting kids to listen near streets and highways. It even works at home when doing a toddler bedtime routine.
All you need to do is find any small choice that your child can make to feel a sense of power and control over the situation.
It might sound something like this…
You can go through the left door or the right door. Which do you choose?
You can eat with this fork or that fork. Which do you choose?
You can put a small amount of ketchup on your plate or a large amount. Which do you choose?
Create a choice out of anything at all, even if it seems inconsequential or silly to you. To your child, these choices are a big deal. If you find that offering two similar choices isn’t working well, you can offer two different choices.
The most important thing is that you are offering a choice that fits within your parenting boundary, and you are framing it as something the child can do, rather than can’t do.
Here’s what happened when it was time to check out.
As I checked out at the grocery store, both kids were peaceful and calm and quiet. I felt a huge sense of accomplishment. Like I worked some parenting black magic on the kids.
But…
All good things must come to an end.
When we got to the car, I unloaded the bags into the trunk, put the kids in their car seats and left the cart in the parking lot.
My son was in tears—again. This time my spirited toddler wanted to “drive” the car, and we needed to leave. Parenting is messy and imperfect. There are tears and emotions and power struggles.
But at least—for 10 minutes—there was peace, harmony, happiness and even some magical fairy dust between the kids and me.
It was the best 10 minutes of our day, and I’m okay with that.
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Here is a sneak preview…
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Want more parenting posts?
- 9 Genius Phrases for Dealing With a Strong Willed Child
- How to Get Your Toddler to Follow a Routine Without Reminders
- The Most Overlooked Reason Why Kids Won’t Listen
- 5 Sample Daily Toddler Schedules from Real Moms
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Hello ! This “choices” magic wand is great ! I use it too, but I think using it all the time will turn my kid in a choice addict. He should deal with frustration from time to time because he will not always have a choice. All I’m saying is that we should not abuse this magic wand 🙂
Yes, I hear what you are saying. I use this in moderation and to get through grocery shopping 🙂 I think it’s a great parenting tool that can help kids feel a sense of power while still keeping your parenting boundaries.
I totally agree! And also, if they are really smarter and you over do it, they will soon see the “trick” and start to turn things around. I didn’t know it wasn’t supposed to be used heavily (come on, strong willed kids are so hard that when we see something working we want to do it always) and my daughter got to as point that, in the same situation, she wouldn’t have picked ANY oranges. She would have said “none” and would have told me I wasn’t listening.
Thank God that is over now and I got back to using it (after s good few months not) only when actually needed.
Great article and great reminders to let children make choices.
(Please check spelling of isle, and to) *aisle and two should be used instead. Not to be rude, just thought I would like to know if it were my article.
Thanks for that tip!
Gret advicemy children are in thers forties now i aeays gave them choicesif they made the wrong choices they had to put up eith the consequencees
Really ? why the criticism, spell checker come on. My gosh she wrote a fabulous article, simple techniques for us. As moms we are all doing the best we can. Lift each of us up not push down!!!!
Great article. Excellent writing and even more excellent decision making on your part as a mom. You solved a very common problem. Ignore the haters who have to tell you why it won’t work.
Wow Sharon, thanks for your encouragement here. It always makes my day when I read comments like yours.
This is an amazing tool and one that is easily adapted to many situations. You are absolutely right about the choices needing to be those that fit within your parental boundaries. Asking , “Do you want to brush your teeth first, or put on your PJ’s first? ” is much more effective than do you want to go to bed?
The key is never to phrase your offer too broadly, or offer a choice where there really isn’t one. And as for the person who says you don’t always have a choice, I say rethink what choosing means to you. We all have to learn to choose how we will react to our circumstances and the difficulties we encounter. Teaching children to recognize the power of choosing our /their reactions is hugely important to their development and ability to interact with the world
When our kids were little. We shopped like it was a treasure hunt. The older ones had a list of what they needed to find when we got to the right aisle and put it in the cart.
The younger ones would point to what they were supposed to find. And,they could hold the item in the cart.
It even cut down on them asking for things.
I do this too, for grocery shopping. It turned something I didn’t like doing alone into something really fun!
Great article and advice though not sure about the phrase ‘You have to choices’… What exactly does it mean?
two choices, misspelled
One important choice I used to give to my children and now to my students, when it is absolutely necessary to hold an adults hand (in a busy parking lot, walking across the street) I would ask them do you want to hold my right hand or my left hand? You choose. This has solved the problem of them not wanting to hold hands, and running out into traffic.
Love this! Grocery shopping was always a nightmare with my two young kids, and this has really helped all of us keep our sanity and not leave the store stressed out or forgetting things because I was always trying to rush it before a meltdown of the century would occur 🙂
I appreciate how you point out that kids, like everyone else, need to feel a sense of power versus feeling powerless, and how that is often the root of misbehavior. I learned the choice trick during volunteer training at our Children’s Hospital, but I haven’t thought to use it when my daughter is just unhappy with her circumstances or bored in general. Problem for me is, she often rejects the choices I offer and whines about wanting something else that is not an option. Like something sugary for breakfast or a winter dress when it’s mid-summer. This makes me realize that I should then offer something else she can make the decision on instead! Thanks for sharing this idea!
Now, I only have one, and he goes everywhere with me. I love this idea, but I’d suggest taking it one step more, if there is time. Teach them why it’s a good choice. For instance, choosing an apple. Are there soft spots? Talk about the difference in taste (sweet or tart), etc. Then, you’re teaching life skills. It doesn’t matter if the child is 1 or older. They watch us and want to participate. It’s not about tricking them to think they’re part if the decision.