My in-laws were recently here visiting us in Japan, which meant it was time for another round of our son sleeping in our room again. My husband and I had a whole plan of action ready to go. He would sleep in our bed.
This seemed like a great idea, but I was secretly dreading it. I know some parents are great at co-sleeping and room sharing. I’m the opposite. I’m not good at it at all.
It’s one of those areas I wish I were so much more patient as a parent. You know? I wish that I was cool with our son laying in our bed poking my eyes out and kicking me in the face. Hardy har har. But the truth is both my husband and I last about 2 minutes flat before we’ve had enough.
Our first night…
So here we were on our first night of bed sharing, and it was not going well. I was actually really surprised by this. I went through our son’s normal bedtime routine, using our printable routine cards and easing him into the whole idea. And then, I laid him down the same way I always do, said goodnight, and exited the room. Nothing new. The only change was a new location and a new bed.
What happened next…
The child was mad, hysterical, and completely beside himself. I decided to give it a few minutes to see if he would settle himself. No go.
After a bit of time, my husband and I finally decided to just bring him back out into the living room to chill for a bit. Normally, we wouldn’t do that but since he was so ramped up, our little boy clearly needed a cooling off period.
30 minutes later we went through a modified bedtime routine and laid him back down.
Oh the CRIES. He was still very unhappy about all of this. So I decided it was time to pull out all the stops and use the one trick I knew would work.
The one simple trick…
I went back to his room, turned on his gummy bear light, and picked him up again. I gave him a big giant hug, put his head to my shoulder, and sat us down together on my bed.
And then I started with the deep breathing..
In and out.
In and out.
Taking my own multiple deep breaths in a row, my sweet boy started to take his own deep breaths.
I took a deep breath.
Then he took a deep breath.
In and out.
In and out.
This isn’t something that I coach or tell him to do. All I do is take deep breaths myself, and then he follows. You see, deep breathing is just like yawning. It’s contagious! And it’s a completely subconscious cause and effect rhythm that you can fall into with your child.
When hugging or cuddling in a way that is natural for you and your child, the deep breathing becomes contagious between you. All you have to do is start the rhythm and your child will pick up on it. This technique is something you can use at any age. I’ve actually used it since my kids were infants.
10 minutes later…
Normally, we don’t spend this long deep breathing together, but this was a special circumstance. By now, we were 10 minutes into the deep breathing and he was practically melted into my body. I laid him down back on the floor mattress, keeping my hand firmly placed on his back to help him know I was right there. I told him I would stay with him until he fell asleep. And before I knew it, he was snuggled in tight and nearly asleep.
The next night…
I simply opted to start right off the bat with the deep breathing routine. After 5-10 minutes of deep breathing in a hugging position, I again laid him down, keeping my hand on his back. I again told him I would stay until he fell asleep. After a bit, I removed my hand and just sat next to him in the bed. Total time invested? Only about 15 minutes longer than his normal bedtime routine. Sweet boy.
The night after that…
5 minutes worth of deep breathing and he was practically jumping out of my arms to get in that bed. It was too sweet for words.
Related: 2 Year Old Sleep Regression Explained. Why It Happens and Solutions.
Why deep breathing actually works with kids.
The effect of deep breathing helps slow both your own heart rate and your child’s heart rate, which allows the body to relax and slow down. You can literally feel your heart rate slow down, your mind get quieter, and your whole body physically relax. You can literally feel your child’s heart rate slow down, as they start to relax and melt right into you. This is why I always do the deep breathing in a hugging position. It washes over you and your child like a calming, relaxing sleepytime medicine.
I often use this technique with my sweet little boy and wonder, “Is it really that simple?”
When all of parenting feels so overly complicated and stressful, it’s pretty amazing that something like deep breathing is the fix to a bedtime issue.
Turns out,
sometimes kids just need their moms,
and a big giant hug,
and a few deep breaths to go along with it.
Print this free toddler listening checklist.
This post comes with a free printable checklist to help with toddler listening. I always have the hardest time remembering these phrases. This printable simplifies it!
Here is a sneak preview…
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- Download the checklist. You’ll get the printable, plus join 37,000+ parents who receive my weekly parenting tips and ideas!
- Print. Any paper will do the trick, but card stock would be ideal.
- Place it on your refrigerator. Check things off as you go and don’t forget a thing!
Want more on parenting?
- 3 Things Parents of Strong Willed Toddlers Should Know
- 3 Mom Tricks to Help Kids Stay in Bed
- The Real Reason Kids Never Want to Go to Sleep
- How to Stop a Child From Whining – Immediately
I've created a free email series just for you! If you are struggling with finding a routine, rhythm or schedule, this email series will help you find one that will work for YOUR family. Yes, really. I've seen my sample routines work time and time again for parents. I know it can work for you too.
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Erica
Im not knocking your technique at all but, I have heard that babies from birth to 6 months can die of SIDS trying to match adult breathing. Reason being bc their tiny bodies need their short, more frequent breaths rather than our long, more spaced out ones. I am not 100% sure of this but, I am a recipient of WIC & we had to attend a class on SIDS. This was one of the things we were told. I just read that you have actually practiced this technique since birth so it worried me, having heard the SIDS warnings.
Lauren Tamm
It is my understanding that an infant would attempt to match adult breathing while sleeping on an adults chest or co-sleeping with an adult. The goal of this technique to calm both the parent and the baby down for a very brief period of time (a few minutes), then to lay the baby down in his or her crib.
Cleona
So are you sitting vertically holding him? We still have our two year old son sleeping in bed with us (which has to change as we’re expecting a little sister in Feb…). We’ve got into the bad habit of both me and my husband laying down with him to go to sleep – we naturally do deep breathing and he normally falls asleep pretty quickly, but unfortunately so do we!! Maybe that’s just being way too tired…but maybe vertically would allow us to stay awake 🙂
Lauren Tamm
Yes. I am sitting vertically. I agree, I would fall asleep too if I were laying down!
Laura
I used to do this exact thing with my first! I started doing it as a way to calm myself, when he was miserable and teething. And of course, it helped him to calm down too. My second is a whole different matter. I have tried it with him a couple times, and he tries to get down or play. Should keep trying it. Never know, eventually maybe he’ll get the hint that bedtime means GOING TO SLEEP! ?
Lauren Tamm
Haha. True!
Tabitha
We loved co-sleeping and this was mostly why. Babies relax and fall asleep to mom’s breathing. It’s also protection against SIDS according to many experts. Great tip for all ages!
Susan
Thank you so much for this advice. I tried this with my daughter 2 1/2today when she was having a temper tantrum. In minutes she was calm. Then in the evening my husband was having a hard time getting her to stay in bed and settle. I scooped her up and while she was protesting I just started deep breathing with her and within 5 minutes she was calm enough that I could get her to lie down. She was still awake when I left the room but fell asleep within minutes and didn’t attempt to get out of bed. I will use this for everything bedtime and behaviour related!!!!! kids need to learn to calm themselves and giving them those tools to do so is invaluable.
Much thanks again!!!!
Emily
Great post! Every parent hast those nights (or days) where their little one doesn’t want to go to bed. Since I work from home like you, nap time/bed time are like gold; that’s when I try to get most of my blogging done. I will try this technique next time I have trouble with my 15 month old. Thanks for sharing!
Lauren Tamm
You’re so welcome! I’m glad this was helpful!
Weena
Thank you Lauren for this advice. I tried deep breathing with my toddler last night and he relaxed after 4 deep breaths! Then fell asleep after 30 minutes. I just hope it gets better. Our son has trouble falling asleep with me and could not relax even after 30 minutes ofstorytelling and cuddling. I assumed that because he was left by his biological mom while he slept, he’s afraid the same thing would happen if I put him to sleep. So aside from talking about our day, attachment talk and cuddling; deep breathing will now be a part of our bedtime routine. Thanks again!
Wendy Humphreys Tebbutt
Hi. Weena and Lauren,
When just the deep breathing and cuddling don’t work, you could try gently rocking your son in circles – 5 or 6 reps in each direction. It’s a technique that’s helpful for situations where there can be a phobia about something.
Wishing you well.
Kara @ Moms Don't Sleep
This is great, I will definitely have to try this. My son was sleeping through the night at 4 months. When he was 9 months, he was no longer sleeping through the night. He is now 1 year old and still with the terrible sleep. Last night I was up til after 2am with him (and even when that happens, he still wakes up at 7am sharp or earlier) I was in tears most of the night because I was so. damn. tired. I don’t know if it’s teething, or what it is but I hope this helps!
Julie
I had enough of fighting my 2 year old every night, and decided to do this exact thing yesterday and earlier tonight. It worked and I had no idea why. Getting a 6 month old and toddler to bed without them both keeping each other up is a new concept for me.
Jeanette McGurty
I’m so happy to find this post. Will be trying this tonight.
Thanks for the post.