Schedule / RoutineMy in-laws were recently here visiting us in Japan, which meant it was time for another round of our son sleeping in our room again. My husband and I had a whole plan of action ready to go. He would sleep in our bed.
This seemed like a great idea, but I was secretly dreading it. I know some parents are great at co-sleeping and room sharing. I’m the opposite. I’m not good at it at all.
It’s one of those areas I wish I were so much more patient as a parent. You know? I wish that I was cool with our son laying in our bed poking my eyes out and kicking me in the face. Hardy har har. But the truth is both my husband and I last about 2 minutes flat before we’ve had enough.
Our first night…
So here we were on our first night of bed sharing, and it was not going well. I was actually really surprised by this. I went through our son’s normal bedtime routine, using our printable routine cards and easing him into the whole idea. And then, I laid him down the same way I always do, said goodnight, and exited the room. Nothing new. The only change was a new location and a new bed.
What happened next…
The child was mad, hysterical, and completely beside himself. I decided to give it a few minutes to see if he would settle himself. No go.
After a bit of time, my husband and I finally decided to just bring him back out into the living room to chill for a bit. Normally, we wouldn’t do that but since he was so ramped up, our little boy clearly needed a cooling off period.
30 minutes later we went through a modified bedtime routine and laid him back down.
Oh the CRIES. He was still very unhappy about all of this. So I decided it was time to pull out all the stops and use the one trick I knew would work.
The one simple trick…
I went back to his room, turned on his gummy bear light, and picked him up again. I gave him a big giant hug, put his head to my shoulder, and sat us down together on my bed.
And then I started with the deep breathing..
In and out.
In and out.
Taking my own multiple deep breaths in a row, my sweet boy started to take his own deep breaths.
I took a deep breath.
Then he took a deep breath.
In and out.
In and out.
This isn’t something that I coach or tell him to do. All I do is take deep breaths myself, and then he follows. You see, deep breathing is just like yawning. It’s contagious! And it’s a completely subconscious cause and effect rhythm that you can fall into with your child.
When hugging or cuddling in a way that is natural for you and your child, the deep breathing becomes contagious between you. All you have to do is start the rhythm and your child will pick up on it. This technique is something you can use at any age. I’ve actually used it since my kids were infants.
10 minutes later…
Normally, we don’t spend this long deep breathing together, but this was a special circumstance. By now, we were 10 minutes into the deep breathing and he was practically melted into my body. I laid him down back on the floor mattress, keeping my hand firmly placed on his back to help him know I was right there. I told him I would stay with him until he fell asleep. And before I knew it, he was snuggled in tight and nearly asleep.
The next night…
I simply opted to start right off the bat with the deep breathing routine. After 5-10 minutes of deep breathing in a hugging position, I again laid him down, keeping my hand on his back. I again told him I would stay until he fell asleep. After a bit, I removed my hand and just sat next to him in the bed. Total time invested? Only about 15 minutes longer than his normal bedtime routine. Sweet boy.
The night after that…
5 minutes worth of deep breathing and he was practically jumping out of my arms to get in that bed. It was too sweet for words.
Related: 2 Year Old Sleep Regression Explained. Why It Happens and Solutions.
Why deep breathing actually works with kids.
The effect of deep breathing helps slow both your own heart rate and your child’s heart rate, which allows the body to relax and slow down. You can literally feel your heart rate slow down, your mind get quieter, and your whole body physically relax. You can literally feel your child’s heart rate slow down, as they start to relax and melt right into you. This is why I always do the deep breathing in a hugging position. It washes over you and your child like a calming, relaxing sleepytime medicine.
I often use this technique with my sweet little boy and wonder, “Is it really that simple?”
When all of parenting feels so overly complicated and stressful, it’s pretty amazing that something like deep breathing is the fix to a bedtime issue.
Turns out,
sometimes kids just need their moms,
and a big giant hug,
and a few deep breaths to go along with it.
Love this! I actually heard this before (long ago) and didn’t remember it so I’ll have to try it with my baby (who takes over an hour to settle into sleep normally).
Great! I hope it helps! I would love to hear how it goes. Good luck.
I am going to try this with my 11 month old baby girl, she has been so irritable lately so fingers crossed!
My Baby takes all night to fall asleep and can’t be consoled what do I do and is always hungry
Sleeping through the night is so important for you and your child. What really helped us was the sleep training a friend recommended us. You can find it here: http://www.SleepTrainChild.info
I am going to try this tonight on my 2 and 4 year old children. fingers crossed.
I hope it goes well!
I actually do deep breathing and concentrating on breathing when I’m having trouble falling alseep.. It’s amazing how quickly this works! Never thought to try this on my kids (now 30 and 33), but pretty sure it would have worked!
Thanks! I do the same with myself too 🙂
I have a 10 year old daughter who is having trouble going to sleep. (She changed bedrooms) could it really be this simple? Bless you! She’s an anxious child anyway and this seems like a perfect solution to give her the reassurance and calming & the confidence over time that she’s okay. Thanks so much for an answer that I feel like I should have already known. This mom thing never gets easier. (Btw, she’s # 4, # 1 is 28 years old. We always need helpful people like you.)
Thanks for your encouraging words. Deep breathing is an awesome way to help kids cope with anxiety. I hope it helps!
Hi Rene and Lauren,
One thing you may not have realized, Lauren, was the value of the “hugging position.” This can be related to the Moro Reflex, which basically has 3 stages to it. Stage 1 is the “infant startle” reflex, where the arms and legs move out and up and there is a quick inhalation and cessation of breath. This is followed by Stage 2, where the breath is released with a cry and the baby naturally wants to hug mom and receive a hug from mom. If your child feels your arms always provide a “safe place” in the world, your child will be able to move into Stage 3, where she can move out into the world with arms open. If your child feels there is no real “safe place” in the world, she may become caught in Stage 2 and always being clingy or needing LOTS of hugs!
So deep breathing is great – AND – deep breathing with a hug is fabulous!
I’m not a mom, but I help moms of children on the Autism Spectrum or with Sensory Processing / Developmental Delays find inner calm for themselves, their AS child/ren, and their whole family by assessing and integrating childhood reflexes that may be causing challenges to development. An active Moro Reflex can cause overexcitement,followed by fatigue; temper tantrums; allergies / food sensitivities; as well as being very easily startled (sight, sound, change of body position, etc.).
Lauren, I’m going to refer clients to your website, as you seem to have some wonderful tips / resources to offer.
Yours in Gratitude (because I’d been sleep deprived for decades before I came to the work I do now 🙂
WendyHT
Wow…this is good info too!!
My son screams more if I try to hug him while he is crying or having a tantrum or trying to escape his bed. What to do if my son doesn’t want to be hugged?
I’m def going to try this with my little one, but it makes sense deep breathing is contagious.
Good luck!
You know… I tried this one time (without even realizing what I was doing) while we were staying at my father-in-law’s house. About 2 minutes after my son started deep breathing, he was out! It never occurred to me to try it at home. I will definitely be trying this tonight as he has been having sleep disturbances lately. 🙂
I hope it worked for you!
I tried this last night with my 4yr old who has been a NIGHTMARE to get down for the last year or so. He has such a hard time settling down and plays for over an hour after lights out. We did the hug-deep breathing thing for about 5 minutes and then he was able to lay down. He asked me to rub his back and so I stayed sitting on his bed for about 10 more minutes rubbing his back and deep breathing and he conked out!
Huzzah! Thank you for the tip!
You’re welcome!
I actually have been doing this with my 4 year old son since he was about 9 months old! He had a hard time falling asleep on his own, he never wanted in his crib! I started doing it by breathing like I was asleep, it works very well. I cosleep with him though. My 2 year old daughter falls asleep on her own in the crib. Funny how different children can be.
You are amazing!! Just tried this with my 14 month old son and it worked. He was fast asleep in 2 minutes. I’m so glad you shared this and that I read it. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!
Oh yay! I’m so glad it worked!
Any tips on getting my 11 month old to sleep in her cot or at least through the night, she’s so restless. I manage to put her in her cot once she has fallen asleep but 45mins later she wakes up hysterical. Even when sleeping with me she wakes 3-4 times a night looking for her dummy or comfort….