MilSpouse LifeThere is rarely a week that passes where I don’t hear from a military girlfriend. She is seeking support, friendship and acceptance into the military community. Researching this post, I found much of the advice for military girlfriends discouraging.
She needs to know “her place.”
She is “just a girlfriend.”
She is “not entitled to anything.”
Related: Boot Camp Communication – What You Can Expect Phone Calls, Letters, Graduation Day, etc.
Geeze! It made me think back to my days as a military girlfriend and how small the military community made me feel at times. It hurt most at the time because my service member and I had been together for years. I wasn’t a fling. And I definitely wasn’t a floozy. I was a young professional with a career and my own money. In the civilian community, people wouldn’t dream of constantly reminding you of “your place.”.
Related: 13 Useful Gifts for a Deployed Service Member
Of course, there are a few military girlfriends who give the title a bad name. They lack character and morals. They take advantage of service members and make poor choices.
As a military community, we have so much encouragement and sound advice to offer the military girlfriend.
One day I hope I am lucky enough to sit down and have a cup of coffee with one of those military girlfriends, who email me each week genuinely seeking help.
And when I do. I will tell her this…
Having a life in addition to the one with your service member will help you remember who you are as a person. Military life tends to take over a bit from time to time, but remember your individuality. Remember what you love to do for fun. Doing this will help your survive long deployments and separations so much better.
Connect with others in your community through Facebook groups, blogs and community events. This could be military community members or civilians. Establishing friendships and good relationships with others will offer you the support you need to overcome the ups and downs of military life.
Related: Where to Find MilSO Groups Online for Support and Encouragement
Grow your relationship.
Learn beneficial ways to improve communication in your relationship. Be open and honest with each other. Learn to grow and establish trust with your significant other. Honesty and trust are the foundation for every strong military relationship.
Use this as a time to weigh the positives and negatives of this life. Take time to really consider what it looks like long term, consider the possibility of moves (and not just the exotic possibilities but the very real not ideal possibilities), deployments, training, absences… talk to other spouses your your boyfriend’s trade honestly about what it’s looked like for them. Make an informed decision now, because that’s what dating is about. It’s okay if it’s not what you’re willing to accept in life, it’s not going to be what everyone wants (nor should it be). But make that decision now.
Take an open mind to making friends within the military community. There’s so much to be gained through positive friendships with other military spouses! — Kim
Seek out the positive.
Try to see the good in every situation, even when it’s not easy. Keeping a positive attitude through everything makes a HUGE difference. I often think of the Danes, who are touted as the happiest people on the planet, and how they seem to find the positive in every situation imaginable. They are what many like to call realistic optimists. They don’t sugar coat challenging circumstances, but they often look at things through the perspective of others, realizing that things aren’t always as bad as they seem.
Discover ways to become more understanding and patient. The military will dictate many parts of your life and allowing yourself to remit control will prepare you for the unexpected.
Give the relationship at least a year before making plans for your future. Don’t rush it. Take your time to know whether this is the life that is right for both of you. The military introduces a unique set of challenges to every marriage–separations, frequent moves, and a demanding job just to name a few. Think rationally, logically and wisely about marrying into military life.
Embrace it as much as possible.
Embrace your time as a military girlfriend. This season of life will help you learn if military life is where you want to be. It isn’t for everyone, and that is okay.
Surround yourself with supportive and positive people who see military life in a good light. There will be challenges and day to day frustrations and at times it can be overwhelming, but with a group of people that truly support one another in a healthy empowering way it can be an incredible experience. — Judy
Being a military girlfriend feels hard sometimes. It’s normal to feel that way.
Hang in there.
Feel encouraged.
You are welcome here in this community.
Want more on military life?
- 43 Awesome Tips for the New Military Wife
- 31 Encouraging Quotes for the Military Spouse
- The Biggest Mistake a Military Spouse Can Make
- The Brutally Honest Guide to Dating a Military Man
- 42+ Top Missing Him Quotes to Send Your Long Distance Boyfriend
What’s your perspective on being a military girlfriend? Let’s chat in the comments!
I feel like I don’t really belong here because my boyfriend hasn’t joined yet, but I’m posting here anyway because I could use support. He’s planning to join in about a year after he pays off a few things. I feel like I shouldn’t be posting here since he hasn’t joined, but does anyone have tips to get over the fear? He means the world to me…. I’m afraid he will die and no one will tell me, or that I won’t have what it takes to be a military girlfriend. I support him 100%, I just don’t know how to handle my fear.
HI!
I’m new to the military world and never thought I would ever be in it. I fell in love with my boyfriend a little over a year ago and he Is the one. He talks about us getting married, moving in together and starting a family. We live in the same city, yet he got sent back to the barracks and it’s almost like we are a long distance relationship now. It’s very hard on me because we used to see each other 4-5 times a week and now I’m lucky if I get to see him once a week. I’ve tried to be patient with this and I know it isn’t his fault, but it definitely has taken a toll on our relationship. I don’t say anything to him about it because I know he’s unhappy and don’t want to make things worse on him, but he only had 10 months left until he gets out. I am happy that he will. be getting out but at the same time I want him to re-enlist. Part of me wants to get married so I can see him more and start our lives together but the other part of me doesn’t want to rush anything. I know he is the the one I will marry, but I don’t know what to do.
We’ve had talks about him reenlisting and planned what we would do but the next day he decided that he wanted to get out asap. So I am just confused. I’ve been honest with him about everything, but I don’t really know if he’s ready to take such big steps.
Any advice is welcome! 🙂
Hey all,
I’m a military girlfriend to a guy who I met online back in May. It was almost instantly that we felt like we had known each other forever! A few weeks later and he asked me to be his girlfriend. My family thought I was crazy for wanting to date a guy who I met online and was stationed over a 1,000 miles away, but we have facetimed pretty much every day since, and it seemed normal to us. He went home on leave right around the time we started dating and his family found out they seemed happy. We pretty much talk all the time but I feel like there is something he just isn’t telling me. I’m pretty patient and caring when it comes to him having a rough day but sometimes I feel as if he doesn’t care about me back here… I do have to say though a few weeks ago he got a 4 day leave and decided to come see me and meet my family. It was the best 4 days I’ve had in a while and he just fit right in and was everything he said he was/expected to be. It was super hard to just met him and have a great weekend and have to give him back to the Army. But I know we are having Christmas together at some point with his family so they can met me too. He just still seems to me at least to be hiding something and I just cant or don’t want to put my finger on it. I know I should stop pondering ideas but I just cant. I’m suppose to be flying for the first to go have Christmas with him before he leaves for Korea in February but I just don’t know what to do about my gut feellings.
Its hard im in the same situation, we meet online hes convinved im the one we both have kids, im trying to be extremely caustious and take things super slow. But im having a hard time figuring out all the rules and what you can and cant do, somethings seem totally crazy to me and i wonder if its true. Hes stationed at ft hood, says that when hes off duty and lives on base he cant call or video chat that it’s against the rules he only can if he leaves base which is very rare. Any suggestions or ideas on how to deal with it im frustrates because i know other people who talk to their spose daily on the phone is it just because hes not married?
Hi everyone. Thank you for posting your stories and advice on this blog. I know i’m not alone in my feelings whenever I think about how my significant other is away…but I often feel alone. Reading this makes me feel a little better.
I met my Marine online, thus beginning our long distance relationship. He’s stationed in North Carolina and I’m in New Jersey. He is the love of my life. We make each other better and there is no one I’d rather be with. We FaceTimed everyday and texted constantly. Wed make little trips to visit each other. He loved surprising me and showing up at my home. We’ve been together for almost a year now, and I really have to say it’s been the best year of my life…that’ is, until last week. My boyfriend FaceTimed me telling me that he is leaving for Iraq the day after tomorrow for 6 months, and I lost it. He had found out in August and hadn’t told me until a month and a half later….I guess he was scared and didn’t want to see me in pain before he left. I told him he was wrong for doing that. We are not ones to ever keep secrets from each other, and this was a big one he had kept from me. I didn’t hate him and wasn’t mad at him. I understood his pain. We spoke for hours about it. He comforted me as I hysterically cried. We knew we would make it through. We love each other. But we also knew this would be a huge challenge. I accepted our fate, because really…what else could I do? I wanted to be with him. I had to be the strong woman he and I knew I was. He believes in my strength, and I did too until we got past the first week. His deployment has proven difficult for me. He has WiFi on the base, but it’s terrible. I know I shouldn’t complain…other people have it way worse. But regardless…it’s sucks. If he FaceTimes me, I can’t really see his face and I can only hear every other 3 words he says. I know we can send letters, but he’s so caught up in work that he doesn’t have time and hasn’t figured out the whole mailing situation. I don’t even have an address to send a love letter or a care package to. (Also, any advice on that would also be a great help!) Any times he calls me, I always end up in tears, from relief, from fear….the mixed emotions are just overwhelming..I feel like I can’t tell him how scared I or even how how I haven’t been coping well. I don’t want to worry him…but I also know that doing that to myself is not good for me.
I can already feel how this deployment is changing me. I don’t smile as much (and I’m one of those ridiculously cheery people). I try to keep myself busy with agressive workouts, working long hours, and a lot of hanging out with friends. I know it’s been only a week but I just can’t get used to how drastic the change in our relationship is. I know the relationship gets pushed aside when you’re with someone in the military, especially during deployment, i know I can never be top priority. In my head, I know I can take it. But at night, my heart feels like it’s slowly crumbling. I keep telling myself that it’s because I’m still in shock that he was gone so abruptly, and I’m just worried about him (which is true)…that I’ll eventually get used to it, but the pain doesn’t go away. And then I always have that fear in the pit of my stomach that tells me, “what am I gonna do if something happens to him?”, “Is this gonna change me for this worse?”, and “what if he comes doesn’t come back the same man I fell in love with?” I know it’s terrible to say…but I’m terrified. I know those fears are never really going to go away so long as he’s in the military. But I don’t want to live in fear. I’m a patient woman, and a very dedicated one as well. But the loneliness is paralyzing sometimes.
Liz, I am almost in the exact same relationship. My soldier and I do long distance, talk everyday. I worry when I do not hear anything from him. email me.
So, I’m 16 and my boyfriend is 18. Hes leaving for the airforce in a fee months and we plan on staying together. I am terrified for what will happen when he leaves, and yes I know im young but I also know what we have is nothing but pure true love. Many people support is on this and feel that we can make it, but the people who dont agree that we should stay together really mess with my mind. We may be young but true love is true love and I genuinely don’t knoe what I should do. Please help, any advice would be incredibly beneficial. Thank you.
Hey! I’m very new to this community and a graduate student in the field of biophysics at Iowa. My S/O is not active duty and was honorably discharged because of damaged caused to his face and body during active duty. However his ideals are still very engrained within a military mindset. While at times this is amazing because he is always concerned for my safety and is incredibly loyal, it has some very serious drawbacks that are difficult to deal with sometimes. I know that being in the Marines, PDA is very frowned upon and even in a private setting he is careful about when and how he shows affection. He is also quite horrible at communicating feeling. I know that it gets easier with time and trust (I mean, a lot of time and trust) and I also realize that the experiences he has been through will be with him forever, but I WAS wondering if any of you have advice to make any of this simpler or to even explain to me how to cope with the set backs that come from dating a man who is still suffering from combat experience. Thank you bunches!
My boyfriend is currently in bootcamp training to become a marine. I’m struggling a bit because he comes back in 30 days and I suppose I’m a little nervous to see how/if boot camp changed him. It’s a little hard because I have a lot of people asking me why I’m doing this because I’m not going to be in the picture In a few years anyways. I know our relationship isn’t an exception or anything, but I know his desire for the military. It was my dream too, but I found out a few months ago I am medically unable to go so I understand his drive and passion. I’m ready for him to come home, just for some reassurance that his spirit isn’t broken and it breaks my heart to think he may not come home the same. If anyone has any personal experience, I could really use it. Thank you
My boyfriend just came back from boot camp not long ago and left back last week. The three months he was gone felt like for ever .I was scared about the same thing but my advice to you is don’t worry so much. Boot camp for them is tough but being their for them will make them feel much better. I was frightened as well if he would be different and sometimes would over think. Don’t over think stuff. At first they may not believe that their done with boot camp and all the tough days and yelling. We didn’t know what to say to each other when we caught eyes again for the first time it was like our first date all over again. What made is so special was that we still knew we loved each other. It will all come back and maybe just takes a little more time for some than others. Tell him how proud you are and be yourself! Be the person he fell in love with 🙂 It may be scary but the journey is all worth it. It’s hard but not impossible ! As long as y’all believe in yalls love towards one another what others have to say doesn’t matter. People may see it as something out to fail but If your in love with Your Marine I see it as doing anything for true love and being brave and comited . Your very strong ! Everything will be okay
I’m currently dating a marine and he has been deployed. I got word Friday evening that while in combat, he had gotten shot twice and required surgery. I finally heard from him today, but he’s definitely not the same. I don’t expect him to be, and I’m trying to be supportive and be there for him, but it isn’t always easy. He told me earlier that he doesn’t really care to talk about what happened, which I totally get, but he also said he doesn’t really care to talk to anyone either. This is where it’s hard because I know as a nurse myself that any event like that is traumatizing, but as a woman who loves him as his significant other, it’s hard dealing with being shut out. Any advice? I currently feel alone in this.
Me and this guy have started talking to each other for about a month now and we really do like each other. He tells me how much he wants this to work but the thing is he’s starting navy training soon and we won’t be able to start dating for another 6 months, as he wants to focus on his training first. Obviously i am pretty new to this so i haven’t experienced the hardships of deployment and many months apart, I want this to work but i want to be with him now, But i can’t because i know how much this means to him so i don’t want to be selfish and interfere with his career and his dream. Any advice for newbies? Thanks 🙂
I’m so gald I stumbled across your blogs! They help me so much with feeling better about being a military girlfriend!
You are so welcome!