MilSpouse LifeThere is rarely a week that passes where I don’t hear from a military girlfriend. She is seeking support, friendship and acceptance into the military community. Researching this post, I found much of the advice for military girlfriends discouraging.
She needs to know “her place.”
She is “just a girlfriend.”
She is “not entitled to anything.”
Related: Boot Camp Communication – What You Can Expect Phone Calls, Letters, Graduation Day, etc.
Geeze! It made me think back to my days as a military girlfriend and how small the military community made me feel at times. It hurt most at the time because my service member and I had been together for years. I wasn’t a fling. And I definitely wasn’t a floozy. I was a young professional with a career and my own money. In the civilian community, people wouldn’t dream of constantly reminding you of “your place.”.
Related: 13 Useful Gifts for a Deployed Service Member
Of course, there are a few military girlfriends who give the title a bad name. They lack character and morals. They take advantage of service members and make poor choices.
As a military community, we have so much encouragement and sound advice to offer the military girlfriend.
One day I hope I am lucky enough to sit down and have a cup of coffee with one of those military girlfriends, who email me each week genuinely seeking help.
And when I do. I will tell her this…
Having a life in addition to the one with your service member will help you remember who you are as a person. Military life tends to take over a bit from time to time, but remember your individuality. Remember what you love to do for fun. Doing this will help your survive long deployments and separations so much better.
Connect with others in your community through Facebook groups, blogs and community events. This could be military community members or civilians. Establishing friendships and good relationships with others will offer you the support you need to overcome the ups and downs of military life.
Related: Where to Find MilSO Groups Online for Support and Encouragement
Grow your relationship.
Learn beneficial ways to improve communication in your relationship. Be open and honest with each other. Learn to grow and establish trust with your significant other. Honesty and trust are the foundation for every strong military relationship.
Use this as a time to weigh the positives and negatives of this life. Take time to really consider what it looks like long term, consider the possibility of moves (and not just the exotic possibilities but the very real not ideal possibilities), deployments, training, absences… talk to other spouses your your boyfriend’s trade honestly about what it’s looked like for them. Make an informed decision now, because that’s what dating is about. It’s okay if it’s not what you’re willing to accept in life, it’s not going to be what everyone wants (nor should it be). But make that decision now.
Take an open mind to making friends within the military community. There’s so much to be gained through positive friendships with other military spouses! — Kim
Seek out the positive.
Try to see the good in every situation, even when it’s not easy. Keeping a positive attitude through everything makes a HUGE difference. I often think of the Danes, who are touted as the happiest people on the planet, and how they seem to find the positive in every situation imaginable. They are what many like to call realistic optimists. They don’t sugar coat challenging circumstances, but they often look at things through the perspective of others, realizing that things aren’t always as bad as they seem.
Discover ways to become more understanding and patient. The military will dictate many parts of your life and allowing yourself to remit control will prepare you for the unexpected.
Give the relationship at least a year before making plans for your future. Don’t rush it. Take your time to know whether this is the life that is right for both of you. The military introduces a unique set of challenges to every marriage–separations, frequent moves, and a demanding job just to name a few. Think rationally, logically and wisely about marrying into military life.
Embrace it as much as possible.
Embrace your time as a military girlfriend. This season of life will help you learn if military life is where you want to be. It isn’t for everyone, and that is okay.
Surround yourself with supportive and positive people who see military life in a good light. There will be challenges and day to day frustrations and at times it can be overwhelming, but with a group of people that truly support one another in a healthy empowering way it can be an incredible experience. — Judy
Being a military girlfriend feels hard sometimes. It’s normal to feel that way.
Hang in there.
Feel encouraged.
You are welcome here in this community.
Want more on military life?
- 43 Awesome Tips for the New Military Wife
- 31 Encouraging Quotes for the Military Spouse
- The Biggest Mistake a Military Spouse Can Make
- The Brutally Honest Guide to Dating a Military Man
- 42+ Top Missing Him Quotes to Send Your Long Distance Boyfriend
What’s your perspective on being a military girlfriend? Let’s chat in the comments!
Hi Lauren,
Thank you for the article, it has really opened my eyes. I am brand new to dating a military man. I’very just only met him online, he is a Naval captain on deployment. I really like him though and would be willing to give it an old college tryout.
With that being said- Two things:
How do I find out for sure he is who he said he is ( I read all about military scams)? Is there a way to check by pictures and videos, or names and ranks?
Also how fast is it to fall for someone like that? And is there something I should be prepared for.?
I’don’t appreciate any input you can give me. Thank you
Hi Maria my name is Faith and I see that we are in a similar situation. I know exactly how you feel so if you would like to email me maybe we could help each other along the way.
Being a Marine, having 2 deployments under my belt, and my girlfriend for 2 years, I grasp what a deployment is like, she does not, and expects me to call her whenever I can. Knowing I cant do that, and add on the fact that i dont always want to give her a call, and just have me time and relax for a bit. What can I do to help her understand that??
I’ve been dating a marine for over a year now and we haven’t been through a deployment yet, but a hell of a lot of trainings that are leading up to his deployment in a few months but being a girl and knowing how she feels you need to explain to her you’re stressed and just need some down time for yourself. Don’t tell her you don’t want to talk to her, that’ll just make her feel like crap and possibly cause an unwanted argument.. Tell her you love talking to her but just need some time to chill out for a bit and you’ll call her later.
hi
It is is really not easy for us as ladies to just let you go sometimes…
you need to be straight up with her… the better your communication skills, the better for both of you. and you both need to trust one another unconditionally. if you both can’t trust each other, the relationship would not work.
This article made me feel so much better. I felt connected because as just a girlfriend I sometimes feel like I am nothing. It’s been over 3 years and i am still struggling with the feelings. Thank you so much for the help.
I really have been struggling as a long distance military girlfriend. Sometimes my boyfriend just doesn’t seem interested and other times he’s all in. I am just trying to keep my head up because he’s so worth all of the longing and the pain. Sometimes I feel as though he isn’t as committed as I am and that is what is hard for me.
Good afternoon, Lauren!
My LD boyfriend is in the military, and I know nothing about military life. Recently (about two weeks) ago he was deployed to different base. I wanted to send him a letter but he never gave me an APO explaining he hasn’t received it yet. Please tell me is it true or I have to be suspicious about it? Thank you in advance
hi lauren im emily and my boyfriend is leaving for basic training in 11 days. we have been together for two years and ive always known this is what he has wanted to do. as the day gets closer to him leaving its getting harder to ignore the fact that things are abou to change so much. we have never been apart this long and im having a really hard time. i feel like if maybe i knew what to expect then i could prepare myself. i really just dont know how to go about all this i just know its what he is passionate about and thats all i care about so i want to support him as much as i can. any tips or information would be so appreiciated!!
hi all
thanks for a wonderful post.
I grew up in a Military house, school etc. I was lucky enough that my dad only had to go on deployment twice. I am from South Africa, and currently dating a U.S Military man, he’s also on deployment at the moment the tough part is that he can’t Skype or call me . we only have email and hangouts but I believe he would be coming home soon.
the only advice I could give is that you have to be , supportive, and keep on telling them you are there for them, and love them. there are days I really want to speak to him, so I only then go look at his photo’s and send him a nice uplifting chat. and wait for the reply… that’s all we can do…
I guess if you don’t have a military background of some kind it’s really difficult sometimes to understand the military life…
My boyfriend just left for the USMC bootcamp today. I’m so lost I have no idea what to do it seems that al that I can do is sit and cry
I am dealing with the same problem today, does it get easier after awhile? It’s so hard not have certainty of what to comeback in the future. I can’t wait until May when I can go down for him graduation. I swear it won’t come soon enough and I’ve only just left him today.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 7 months or so and he left for basic in Texas last week. 7 months doesn’t seem like a very long time but for me it’s been an eternity. We have both relied on each other through the last part of high school then him moving out of his house and then me going to college. I’m so scared of the future and what’ll look like for us, I want a life with him so badly but everything feels so uncertain now. I have to stay put for the next 3 and a half years until I finish my degree and I have no idea where he’ll be.
I don’t feel like I have a very big system of support. Other girls who’s boyfriends are in basic training have talked about how they’ll travel with his family for graduations while I fear I’m going to have to make the trip alone to San Antonio. His mother doesn’t like me, she doesn’t seem to even like him.
He’s been gone not even a week and I feel so sad since he’s been gone. I don’t know how to cope until I see him again. I’ve written letters everyday but I messed up writing down his address when he called.
I’ve only 6 and a half weeks until I see him again but right now it feels like a chasm.
I’m literally in your exact boat. I’m still in high school so I won’t be able to move for at least another year and I’m not close with his family either. By chance, has your boyfriend come back? What was he like after bootcamp? I have about 30 days until mine comes back and I don’t know what to expect.
I’m so glad I came across this site, I’m a new girlfriend to a sergeant in the Air force and our relationship started online, we are very much committed to each other, and wanting to make things official very soon, he how ever will be deployed here soon, and as a girlfriend what kind of information could I ask to have of his Just to keep track or be informed of something were to happen. I know I’m just the girl friend now but he’s wanting to change that soon. Is there a list of things I need from him? Contact info I should ask for?
He’s wanting me to talk to his lawyers and financial managers is this something I should seriously consider?