MilSpouse LifeThere is rarely a week that passes where I don’t hear from a military girlfriend. She is seeking support, friendship and acceptance into the military community. Researching this post, I found much of the advice for military girlfriends discouraging.
She needs to know “her place.”
She is “just a girlfriend.”
She is “not entitled to anything.”
Related: Boot Camp Communication – What You Can Expect Phone Calls, Letters, Graduation Day, etc.
Geeze! It made me think back to my days as a military girlfriend and how small the military community made me feel at times. It hurt most at the time because my service member and I had been together for years. I wasn’t a fling. And I definitely wasn’t a floozy. I was a young professional with a career and my own money. In the civilian community, people wouldn’t dream of constantly reminding you of “your place.”.
Related: 13 Useful Gifts for a Deployed Service Member
Of course, there are a few military girlfriends who give the title a bad name. They lack character and morals. They take advantage of service members and make poor choices.
As a military community, we have so much encouragement and sound advice to offer the military girlfriend.
One day I hope I am lucky enough to sit down and have a cup of coffee with one of those military girlfriends, who email me each week genuinely seeking help.
And when I do. I will tell her this…
Having a life in addition to the one with your service member will help you remember who you are as a person. Military life tends to take over a bit from time to time, but remember your individuality. Remember what you love to do for fun. Doing this will help your survive long deployments and separations so much better.
Connect with others in your community through Facebook groups, blogs and community events. This could be military community members or civilians. Establishing friendships and good relationships with others will offer you the support you need to overcome the ups and downs of military life.
Related: Where to Find MilSO Groups Online for Support and Encouragement
Grow your relationship.
Learn beneficial ways to improve communication in your relationship. Be open and honest with each other. Learn to grow and establish trust with your significant other. Honesty and trust are the foundation for every strong military relationship.
Use this as a time to weigh the positives and negatives of this life. Take time to really consider what it looks like long term, consider the possibility of moves (and not just the exotic possibilities but the very real not ideal possibilities), deployments, training, absences… talk to other spouses your your boyfriend’s trade honestly about what it’s looked like for them. Make an informed decision now, because that’s what dating is about. It’s okay if it’s not what you’re willing to accept in life, it’s not going to be what everyone wants (nor should it be). But make that decision now.
Take an open mind to making friends within the military community. There’s so much to be gained through positive friendships with other military spouses! — Kim
Seek out the positive.
Try to see the good in every situation, even when it’s not easy. Keeping a positive attitude through everything makes a HUGE difference. I often think of the Danes, who are touted as the happiest people on the planet, and how they seem to find the positive in every situation imaginable. They are what many like to call realistic optimists. They don’t sugar coat challenging circumstances, but they often look at things through the perspective of others, realizing that things aren’t always as bad as they seem.
Discover ways to become more understanding and patient. The military will dictate many parts of your life and allowing yourself to remit control will prepare you for the unexpected.
Give the relationship at least a year before making plans for your future. Don’t rush it. Take your time to know whether this is the life that is right for both of you. The military introduces a unique set of challenges to every marriage–separations, frequent moves, and a demanding job just to name a few. Think rationally, logically and wisely about marrying into military life.
Embrace it as much as possible.
Embrace your time as a military girlfriend. This season of life will help you learn if military life is where you want to be. It isn’t for everyone, and that is okay.
Surround yourself with supportive and positive people who see military life in a good light. There will be challenges and day to day frustrations and at times it can be overwhelming, but with a group of people that truly support one another in a healthy empowering way it can be an incredible experience. — Judy
Being a military girlfriend feels hard sometimes. It’s normal to feel that way.
Hang in there.
Feel encouraged.
You are welcome here in this community.
Want more on military life?
- 43 Awesome Tips for the New Military Wife
- 31 Encouraging Quotes for the Military Spouse
- The Biggest Mistake a Military Spouse Can Make
- The Brutally Honest Guide to Dating a Military Man
- 42+ Top Missing Him Quotes to Send Your Long Distance Boyfriend
What’s your perspective on being a military girlfriend? Let’s chat in the comments!
Thank you for your article. My guy and I met and fell for each other about 3 weeks before he found out that he was being deployed. We became very close during his deployment and now that he is back I am having an extremely hard time knowing how to deal with the reintegration. Obviously I am not in the same state emotionally and mentally as a wife would be, but it has been hard, really really hard and I appreciate someone validating my position.
This is a nice post. I’ve been a military girlfriend (and long distance the entire time as I have my own college and career back home) for 3 and half years by this point, and I still get “just girlfriend” vibes. There is so much support difrectly from the military for spouses and even military parents but all military girlfriends get is facebook groups with other girlfriends and no recognition from the military. By this point I don’t need much help since I’m not new to this, however, the fact that I am not able to get informed by any official source because i’m not his wife mother is frustrating. Especially since we are half way through our second deployment.
I feel you….5 years dating and we’re in our 30s and own a home together.
Hi, I am new to this military girlfriend thing. My man is in the army and is based in Washington. I live in North Dakota and even tho it is an hour time difference it still seems difficult to find time to talk. He tries to text or facetime whenever he can, which is nice. I am just experiencing one of his long field trainings. A while month without talking to him. It’s been only a week and I’m already going crazy. I am hoping that when I found this article someone else would be able to give me some advice and to help me learn more about this lifestyle.
Samantha,
I understand how you feel. My boyfriend and I met a day before he deployed and fell in love. Of course I’m going to wait for him but it’s been the hardest thing ever to do. I’m new to this considering he’s been gone for 3 months and won’t be home for another 2 months. I’m not sure how to handle it or deal with it. I’ve been very understanding and patient and looking at the positive side but I just miss him so much. Everyone thinks I’m crazy for waiting but I know it will be worth it in the end. It’s difficult trying to talk to him because he is 17 hours ahead of Arizona time but I try to make the best of it when he does email me. Any advice?
Well, one of the best things to do is to keep yourself busy. Not only does it give you more to talk about in your emails but it’ll help you keep your mind off of how much you miss him. Things you could do is take up hobbies (knitting, for one, is a cheap hobby you can teach yourself), hang out more with friends, invest yourself more in work, or reorganize your living space every once in a while. Shake things up so you can keep your own life interesting. It certainly helped me when my boyfriend was in basic training and didn’t have access to a phone for week at a time.
If you want, you could also find ways to incorporate him in your life for when he gets back, like planning dates. It’ll give you both more to look forward to.
I hope this advice helps you some. I wish you the best of luck!
Not only is my boyfriend in the military, but I’ve grown up with the military myself. My dad had just retired from the Army last year and from observing my parents I know how much strain being in a military relationship can be put on the significant other. I also have a deeper understanding the sort of strains these sorts of relationships put on the soldiers as well. To this day my father feels guilty for not being as present in my family’s life. He feels his military career has been holding my mother back for 20 years. I feel like he wants me to break up with my boyfriend because he doesn’t want me going through the same struggles my mom did. I’m currently in college and am struggling to figure out what to do. I love my boyfriend, and have accepted the fact that I won’t be his top priority in life. I want to be with him, but I also want to use my degree to make something of myself. I don’t want to be a housewife; it’s not for me. I’m working with my boyfriend to figure out a solution to our problem, but it’s all so daunting to think about.
I appreciate this article and the comments here because it gives me a little peace of mind. It’s comforting to know I’m not alone. Thank you
Rebecca,
I feel the same exact way! I have been with my army boyfriend for almost a year and we have been struggling with finding a solution to the problem of finding I career I want because I definitely don’t want to be a housewife either. He has talked about staying in for the full 20 but it scares me that I won’t be able to have my own career because I will constantly be moving around because that’s the military lifestyle. I currently live in Texas and he lives in Washington and wants me to move in the summer. I’m just so torn because I love him so much but I also feel that I have to think about my wants out of life too. I’m glad I’m not alone either and I found comfort in reading your post! Let me know what y’all figure out
Hi I am currently going through this myself. My boyfriend and I were long distance for a year before I moved to be with him while he finishes training. He’ll be here for 6 more months and then we will move to a more permanent station. I have no idea where it will be and what the opportunities will be like. I was a lawyer back home and 6 months here isn’t long enough to warrant getting into practice in this state. So while I wait I got myself a “regular” job. Its a big step backwards from where I was, although it’s enough pay to keep me feeling independent. I’m going to be honest, this is way harder than I thought it would be. As I am finding out, the pursuit of my career has been something that I was using to define myself. Without my career, I feel lost and like a huge source of pride and purpose is missing. There a few ways I’m coping with this. I got a job as soon as I could to keep my mind sharp and my time occupied. Some girlfriends/wives struggle to find a job in their field and simply give in. I feel lucky at least that I didn’t have to do that.
Secondly, I’m filling my spare time. I’m working hard to make connections with the wives group. Many of them have children by their mid twenties but there is always common ground. I’m also working on exploring this town, even if it has to be by myself. My next step is to make a list of all the fun things I need to accomplish in these months. Its crucial, especially as a gf and not a wife, to maintain that sense of self and independence. I don’t want to fail at this lifestyle but if i do, I want to be able to say I gave it my best. Good luck to everyone here, I feel a special kinship with the girlfriends. We are super brave to pursue our valued relationships like this.
Hello Lauren,
I love your article. I know I’m just the girlfriend & I don’t expect to be entitled, to anything but to this person who I love & respect. He is doing a job, I could never do.
To put it simply, he floats my boat….I float his!
But to be able to get a glimpse of how the military works, & thinks, I most especially appriciate your letters & stories.
It has helped me a great deal, to understand more. Thank you!
Bobbie Parker
You are welcome! Thanks for reading.
I’ve only been with my boyfriend for 6 months & he’s just graduated Basic training and is in AIT at the moment . We were really good friends long before we ever got together & we had only been together for three months before he left . I feel like when I talk about it to my parents and siblings they look at it as we aren’t going to make it , but I believe we will . It’s already hard with him being gone & constantly having the people around you place that doubt in your mind makes it so much harder . I guess I just need some advice as to how to deal with it & What I Can Do From Home To Help Our Relationship . Our relationship is strong and it’s obvious we love each other , but with him being gone I worry about things changing and feelings leaving and so on , so what can I do to help give us the strength to get through it ? And what do I need to do to cope with the distance and lack of communication ?
My boyfriend and I are from Georgia went to school together known him for years in 2015 I left and moved all over ended up in Alabama 7 hours away with my mom hadn’t talked to him in forever while living in Alabama we reconnected and I figured out he’s stationed in Florida 2 hours away and we started talking and are now in a happy relationship crazy how things turned out he gets deployed in 3 weeks and I already know I’m gonna bawl my eyes out I do see myself marrying this man he said he’s proposing the day he gets back and I yelled at him cause he’s not supposed to tell me that haha but he is my rock and I will stay strong for him I will be waiting here for him when he gets a back 🙂
In Australia, I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 9 months now- about 3 months in, he started showing interest in joing the military here in Australia.
At first it didn’t bother me because i thought it would just be an interest; then he started researching and applying.
Now he is due for his assessment and interview, if he gts that he will maybe have to move to the other side of Australia.
I find it extremely difficult to talk to him about it because i get overly emotional and just don’t want to lose him so early stages!
I feel like i am being unfair as i know he wants it so much and isn’t happy with what he is doing at the moment.
Does anybody have any advice as to how i can handle the situation? I so want to be the supportive girlfriend i should be, and i will try my hardest to be with him every step of the way.
But right now, i just need help.
UK Girlfriend, Germany Based Army Boyfriend.
Hello all, I have scrolled through the comments,and must say there are lots of positive vibes! ☺ My boyfriend and I have been together 7 years now. Each time he has been away for an extended period of time it is hard. When we first met he was based in the UK,so we saw each other often. Past 3 years he has been in Germany,and I see him less. A few times a year.
Like has been said keeping busy and keeping your individuality is important! Helped me loads! I am doing a degree currently,and that takes most my time.
It’s important to remember what your fighting for. You are supporting him by keeping strong and believing in him. If he is the reason to your world don’t give up,EVER!!!
I’m fairly new at dating a milarty man me and my boyfriend been dating a month how do u keep busy and mind focused bc my boyfriend going to be deployed in December of this year how can I not stress him out and make him happy I’m all new at this
Hey Lauren, Im a milarty girlfriend just started dating him about a month ago and he got deployed in December he going to be gone for nine months. We met on a dating site and we are a strong couple. This will be our first deployment together. Since I’m all new at this how do I make it work by making him happy while he gone. I never dated a milarty man but I know I can do this. I have a milarty family my grandpa went to war while my grandma was taking care of my dad and uncle. I need advice how to make him happy and not stress.
My boyfriend is Navy, we were together before he joined and have been together for two years, already past a deployment. He is stationed is California, I’m in Colorado. He is my one and only and this long distance is really starting to take its toll on me. We are trying to figure out if me moving out there is gonna be the best option for us. But this article helps see that if you’re gonna do it, you’ve gotta dive in. Many people don’t take us seriously because we have been long distance for so long. I’m ready to change the distance between us, it’s just scary to do so. But worth it.
Wow I relate to this so much! My boyfriend is stationed in California too and I really want to move there to be with him but I still have to get through college. I don’t know if I should go to school there or stay home and finish school and then move.. what I do know is that I want to be with him. I just don’t want to put unneeded stress on our relationship by doing so and having to go through school at the same time. What did you end up doing?