MilSpouse LifeThere is rarely a week that passes where I don’t hear from a military girlfriend. She is seeking support, friendship and acceptance into the military community. Researching this post, I found much of the advice for military girlfriends discouraging.
She needs to know “her place.”
She is “just a girlfriend.”
She is “not entitled to anything.”
Related: Boot Camp Communication – What You Can Expect Phone Calls, Letters, Graduation Day, etc.
Geeze! It made me think back to my days as a military girlfriend and how small the military community made me feel at times. It hurt most at the time because my service member and I had been together for years. I wasn’t a fling. And I definitely wasn’t a floozy. I was a young professional with a career and my own money. In the civilian community, people wouldn’t dream of constantly reminding you of “your place.”.
Related: 13 Useful Gifts for a Deployed Service Member
Of course, there are a few military girlfriends who give the title a bad name. They lack character and morals. They take advantage of service members and make poor choices.
As a military community, we have so much encouragement and sound advice to offer the military girlfriend.
One day I hope I am lucky enough to sit down and have a cup of coffee with one of those military girlfriends, who email me each week genuinely seeking help.
And when I do. I will tell her this…
Having a life in addition to the one with your service member will help you remember who you are as a person. Military life tends to take over a bit from time to time, but remember your individuality. Remember what you love to do for fun. Doing this will help your survive long deployments and separations so much better.
Connect with others in your community through Facebook groups, blogs and community events. This could be military community members or civilians. Establishing friendships and good relationships with others will offer you the support you need to overcome the ups and downs of military life.
Related: Where to Find MilSO Groups Online for Support and Encouragement
Grow your relationship.
Learn beneficial ways to improve communication in your relationship. Be open and honest with each other. Learn to grow and establish trust with your significant other. Honesty and trust are the foundation for every strong military relationship.
Use this as a time to weigh the positives and negatives of this life. Take time to really consider what it looks like long term, consider the possibility of moves (and not just the exotic possibilities but the very real not ideal possibilities), deployments, training, absences… talk to other spouses your your boyfriend’s trade honestly about what it’s looked like for them. Make an informed decision now, because that’s what dating is about. It’s okay if it’s not what you’re willing to accept in life, it’s not going to be what everyone wants (nor should it be). But make that decision now.
Take an open mind to making friends within the military community. There’s so much to be gained through positive friendships with other military spouses! — Kim
Seek out the positive.
Try to see the good in every situation, even when it’s not easy. Keeping a positive attitude through everything makes a HUGE difference. I often think of the Danes, who are touted as the happiest people on the planet, and how they seem to find the positive in every situation imaginable. They are what many like to call realistic optimists. They don’t sugar coat challenging circumstances, but they often look at things through the perspective of others, realizing that things aren’t always as bad as they seem.
Discover ways to become more understanding and patient. The military will dictate many parts of your life and allowing yourself to remit control will prepare you for the unexpected.
Give the relationship at least a year before making plans for your future. Don’t rush it. Take your time to know whether this is the life that is right for both of you. The military introduces a unique set of challenges to every marriage–separations, frequent moves, and a demanding job just to name a few. Think rationally, logically and wisely about marrying into military life.
Embrace it as much as possible.
Embrace your time as a military girlfriend. This season of life will help you learn if military life is where you want to be. It isn’t for everyone, and that is okay.
Surround yourself with supportive and positive people who see military life in a good light. There will be challenges and day to day frustrations and at times it can be overwhelming, but with a group of people that truly support one another in a healthy empowering way it can be an incredible experience. — Judy
Being a military girlfriend feels hard sometimes. It’s normal to feel that way.
Hang in there.
Feel encouraged.
You are welcome here in this community.
Want more on military life?
- 43 Awesome Tips for the New Military Wife
- 31 Encouraging Quotes for the Military Spouse
- The Biggest Mistake a Military Spouse Can Make
- The Brutally Honest Guide to Dating a Military Man
- 42+ Top Missing Him Quotes to Send Your Long Distance Boyfriend
What’s your perspective on being a military girlfriend? Let’s chat in the comments!
This was a really nice article. I am fairly new to being a military girlfriend its been very hard. We’re still in the early stages of our relationship although we’re very much committed to each other. I started my first year in college and he just went out to Korea and will be there for several months. It’s been a hard adjustment and sometimes I feel lonely because I cant even talk to him due to the time difference. It’s been very hard but giving up on our relationship isn’t an option for the either of us.
My boyfriend is going to Korea as well in just a few weeks for a year. We have only been together a few months, but both definitely see a future together. I don’t have any friends going through this situation and am very scared I will be lonely after he leaves. Since both our boyfriends are going to the same place, maybe we could talk?
hi Sydney my partner and I have been together 2 years in February next year. 2 days ago he left and I’m absolutely devastated. I’m happy to talk to anyone who needs support. we all need to look after eachother. the wait will be worth it. I cried and am still crying but that’s OK! we will get good and bad days. I understand how you feel. before he left we had the most amazing time together. enjoy it and spend as much time with him as you can. and take lots of pictures. at the minute I’m taking it a day at a time because I can’t think I won’t see him for months and months. I know my boyfriend is worth all of this. he’s the love of my life and if you feel the same stay strong. we can do it
Hey ladies,
I’m same boat, I met my boyfriend just months before he deployed to Syria and I’m sticking it out with him. It’s been the hardest, most rewarding thing ever. We actually are growing closer while he’s away and planning our future together for when he returns.
It’s not easy, but I see a future with him and none of my friends understand! If you want to connect and stay in touch through those tough times, please do! I could really use some girls who understand and support one another through this!
I feel like I”m on an island by myself most days.
I just started my first year of college as well and my boyfriend just left for basic training. I love him so much and we are committed to each other, but him leaving and me going to college has not been an easy transition.
Its great to know there are others going through the same when you feel like you’re the only one. I’m new to the military boyfriend thing. My boyfriend and I started dating four months before he started his training to leave. He has been deployed for seven months now and it has been extremely hard. I’m just ready for him to come home. Now we have lost all sorts of communication and I haven’t talked to him in a month. Sometimes I just want time to speed up.
Hi! My name is Megan, and my boyfriend has been gone for about 3 months now at marine boot camp. I cannot begin to tell you how many people have tried to make me feel bad for being upset that hes gone . I went to a former military member for advice and he told me that i “can’t be upset because his (my boyfriends) whole world is changing.”. People will always try to push you down, which what makes it more enjoyable to prove people wrong. Right now I’m struggling with wondering when I’ll ever see my boyfriend again because covid has complicated things. Im nervous about what the future holds because i have no idea whats in store.
Thank you for such a great and uplifting article! My boyfriend is going to bootcamp in about two weeks to become a Marine and I am a freshman in college studying far away from home. I know it’s going to be hard especially not knowing whats going to happen in the next few months while he’s at bootcamp and even after. Any advice for surviving bootcamp and even after bootcamp? Thank You.
Cameron, I want to begin by saying that although I may not know you, I’m very proud of you for beginning this journey with your boyfriend. Communication may be very limited, but letters will be your best friend. Before my Marine boyfriend and I became official, this was how we communicated. Your boyfriend is facing so many mental, physical, and emotional challenges, so believe me when I say that when he receives your letter(s), it will mean the world to him to have a piece of you with him.
Why do i need to pay 730 pound to be registered as a militery girlfriend
Can sumone tell me plz and thank u
Hi, I am a marine girlfriend and we’ve been together for 3 years now. He is soon to be stationed and we are unsure where. I just really would love your thoughts on what i should do if I’m still in college. I would love to follow him but i don’t know if its worth it or if thats too much. we know one day we will get married but I’m not sure if i want to rush it just to live with him.
Hi Mya,
Focus on your schooling, once you finish your education you can and your marine can decide if you should go with him.
The separation will be hard for you, don’t doubt it.but it’s important to focus on your education and yourself. You sound like you have doubts right now, so I say stay where you are, until you know for sure. If you decide to follow him and it impacts your education you may resent him for it one day.
I would finish your degree 🙂 Transferring may take you much longer to finish in the long run. I think you’ll be glad to have that once your finished.
^ YES, YES, YES. My parents became a military couple before they went to college and my mom didn’t get her bachelor’s degree until last year (my dad got his master’s last year too). From their struggles they’ve always pushed each and every one of my siblings and I to get our education, so then we don’t have to struggle like them later on. Get it now so you don’t have to suffer later.
Hi Lauren, just need some advice, myboyfriend is talking about accepting a security contact that has been offered him. It won’t happen for at least another year but I’m concerned he might take it. Don’t get me wrong I want to support him in what he does but I was raised in a home where life was very stable. I lived in the same place for over 13 years and my dad was home every night almost without fail. I don’t know if I can handle him not being there 3 months out of the year. No I haven’t talked to him about this yet and I know I need to. Just seeing if you have any words of wisdom for me. Thanks!! 🙂
Hello Ladies,
I am new to the military relationship. My boyfriend has left yesterday for Basic training. And I am in need of any advice to help me keep strong. I am from South Dakota, I am 17 years old. Yes, I’m very young of age, but I just need advice from women who are and habe gone through this. I would greatly appreciate it, if y’all helped me out a bit. I have been in a 2 year relationship with my boyfriend.
I am in the same place as you. I am also 17 and my boyfriend has been gone for 6 months now. He injured his foot in basics so he was in medical for about 5 months and has recently gone back to basics. I totally get where you are coming from. It is very difficult to go from seeing them almost daily to not at all and only getting a letter once a week maybe. I can tell you this: If they truly do care for and love you they will continue to write to you and they keep you close to heart. You may not realize it but they do! Keep there letters close and remember that this is one of the biggest tests your relationship will go through and making it through will only make you stronger!!! Keep your faith in him:)
I am so fearful of my boyfriend getting hurt. He just left today:( and he is supposed to come home for 10 days right in between when my prom time is and I am so afraid he will get hurt and miss my prom.
I’ve been there! Make sure to encourage him to do well and be safe whenever you get a chance to write. Knowing that you support him will help when he’s having a rough time. Think positive and hope for the best!
I’m so glad I stumbled upon your blog and this post, specifically. I just recently started dating a navy man. We’ve known each other for 10 years and had went to high school together. His family still lives here in town on the West Coast and he is currently in Virginia preparing for his second deployment. (Our first since we’ve been together) I am in grad school and still have two years left, so that will be a minimum of two years making it work even more long-distance than just the distance of deployment. We have talked about my willingness to move once I graduate, which is scary, but I feel like he is more than worth it. I don’t have many friends out here, so it’s interesting to read the other comments and gain some insight and perspective. I’ve been reading some books to try and understand the military lifestyle in order to understand my boyfriend’s thoughts, fears, and goals. It’s difficult to feel like “just the girlfriend”, but I’m also sure most of us don’t anticipate just being a fling and we’re in it for the long haul.
Hello, this was an amazing article that I stumbled on right when I needed it the most. I have been dating my Army boyfriend for almost a year and this long distance is so new to me. I always used to say I could never be a military gf/wife but I fell in love. He is currently in Poland and I’m in Washington D.C. So we are up against a 6 hour time difference. We went from communicating daily to me being lucky if I can get a 5min call. This can be a very lonely lifestyle because as many of you have said, a lot of my friends and family don’t understand. I love him so much and I’ve always been very career driven and am at a good place career wise and in my 30s. I am planning to move to be with him soon and I wonder if anyone has done so and still maintained their careers. Any advice would help.
Hi Ijeoma,
My boyfriend is deploying for 9 months to Poland, and though we’ve known each other as friends for several years, we realized about a month ago that we wanted to be together.
I knew about his deployment but it’s coming up quickly. He and I have even talked about getting married, and I have not given it a second thought. I’m 35, and so I think I’m experienced enough to know what I want. With that said I’ve never dated a guy in the army so any advice would be awesome.
Ijeoma,
I know your post is from a year ago but I am also in my 30s living in Washington DC with a great career. My boyfriend is in the army and we started dating long distance 3 months before he left for Poland for 9 months. Also having the Brother in the military I thought I was prepared for this…I was so wrong! It has been much harder and very lonely, even living in such a big city. We are having the discussion now about me moving to be closer to him when my lease is up/he gets back. If you have any words of advice on the moving while maintaining your career I would really appreciate it!
Hey guys! My name is Kaylee. My boyfriend contacted me right before bootcamp ended. See I met him at a college party and ran into him a few times. I didn’t talk to him while he was gone because I met him at a party and I always believed you’re not going to marry a guy you met at a party. Long story short he called me right before bootcamp ended and I had no previous contact with him. Months go by after giving him a chance and I fell in love with him. I’ve never fallin in love with someone before. Well anyways.. he’s about to graduate his class and get deployed. He went from knowing he can do it to idk if we can do it. He believes I need that attention from other guys that he cannot give me. And is having a lot of doughts, but we knew what we were going to face if we dated and now it’s getting even more real because deployment is happening soon. I was nervous and unsure of myself being able to do this. After all this time learning and growing together I believe we can. I’ve cried so hard I can’t let go. I don’t wanna let go I reinsure my feelings towards him and tell him we can do it. I’ll always be here at the end of the day. If we can’t talk, we can’t talk. We’re growing together, but he knows how it makes me nervous about him being deployed but I reinsured him again that I can do it. I don’t need anyone else. I need and want him. This is our first REAL grownup relationship and we knew what we were getting into and told each other to say stop it if we had doughts, but lately I feel like it’s more me reinsuring and saying stop it than ever. It was last month he knew we could do it that it was going to be “ the best relationship the world has ever seen” to do you think we can do it and his reply is I don’t know. I don’t want to get hurt again I haven’t been so sure of someone like I am now. And I’m lost very lost. I don’t know what I can do to make him know I’m in. And that he doesn’t need to worry about me. But I feel like every time I do he doesn’t know. He absolutely doesn’t know.. help please. We’ve both been through a lot in our pasts and I believe god brought us together for a reason. I tell him all the time military relationships happen all the time and they can get through it. So why are we different? I love this man and I’m not going to let him go. I’m going to keep reinsuring him writing letters and more.
Hi guys I really need your advice, I’ve been with my boyfriend for few months and he’s in Afghanistan military, we use to communicate via Skype or email at least after 2 days or so. But recently he’s been offline for two weeks, last time he was offline for 8 days and he came back to me apologizing. This time I’m very worried and stressed, I really miss him, I need your advice please, what can I do? I really miss my man.
Thank you Lauren. My partner is about to deploy for 8 months abroad and I found this post really uplifting. A x
This is a great article and will love to learn more