Raising KidsInside: Learn the most important (and overlooked) reason why kids won’t listen, focus or sit still. Plus, get 25+ ways to help your kids build these important life skills.
My son climbed to the top of the monkey bars and snaked across them from above. He’s not strong enough to swing across arm-to-arm, so his solution is to catapult his legs up, pull his entire body on top of the bars, and slither across.
A mom walked up to me. “Your son’s on top of the monkey bars. Just thought I’d let you know so he doesn’t fall and get hurt.”
Shortly after, two kids walked up and said, “He’s on top of the monkey bars! He’s going to get hurt.”
Related: 2 Year Old Not Listening? Try This Remarkable Tip
It happened in other situations, too.
When I took my two kids to a Merry-Go-Round, and let them have it as I sat on a picnic bench watching from afar, parents and kids alike voiced their concerns.
“Someone is going to break their arm over there!”
“She’s going to fall and get hurt.”
“He’s spinning, and he’s going to get sick.”
Same thing when people saw my kids hanging upside down (per their own doing) for several minutes at a time.
“All the blood is rushing to his head. It’s gonna make him sick.”
“That’s too dangerous!”
Or when people saw my kids twisting and spinning around on a swing.
“Someone is going to get their fingers pinched!”
“That’s not safe. Put your bottom on the swing.”
The bigger issue occurred — for other parents — when my kids did these things and their children wanted to join in the “dangerous” activity. This is a common thread I see at playgrounds and when talking with parents I work with through parent coaching.
Related: How to Build Listening, Improve Cooperation Using a Printable Daily Schedule for Kids
Here’s the problem: Why kids won’t listen.
Children’s ability to move and play are being restricted more than ever. We are trying to protect them by saying “No climbing,” “No running,” “No spinning,” “That’s too dangerous,” and “Get down from there!”
Disclosure: Post contains affiliate links, which means if you make a purchase, at no extra cost to you, I may earn a small commission.
However, research shows that the drastic decline in “risky” outdoor play in kids is creating behavior problems. By constantly hovering over kids, restricting their movement, and diminishing their time to play, we are causing more harm than good.
“According the to American Academy of Pediatrics (2013), a recent study show that the average child spends eight hours a day in front of screens (television, video games, computers, smart phones, and so on). Older children and adolescents are spending an average of eleven hours a day in front of screens.” (Hanscom 2016
That’s a huge amount of time spent in front of screens, which provide little to no proprioceptive or vestibular input (which I’ll talk about in a second). In prior generations, this time was spent outdoors or in play.
This is the important part.
In order for kids to listen, focus and learn to sit still for a period of time, they must develop both proprioception and vestibular sense. The most critical time to develop a child’s proprioception and vestibular sense is before age six.
With all the time spent in front of screens and telling kids to sit still, avoid climbing, and stop jumping, it’s not surprising why kids won’t listen.
Proprioception is what tells you where your body parts are without having to look at them. This is the sense that helps you make sense of gravity. It’s the reason you can switch from the gas pedal to the brake without looking at your feet, or bring popcorn to your mouth without taking your eyes off the movie screen.
Without properly developed proprioception, kids can push too hard during tag, fall out their seat at the dinner table, or trip while walking up stairs. (You’ll see this a lot in toddlers as they develop proprioception, but you should see it less and less in kids ages four, five, six and beyond).
Vestibular sense provides information about where the body is in relation to its surroundings. This is the sense that helps you understand balance, and it connects with all the other senses.
When the vestibular system does not develop properly all other senses will struggle to function properly. Without a strong vestibular sense, kids will have no choice but to fidget, get frustrated, experience more falls and aggression, get too close to people when talking, and struggle with focusing and listening. Because they literally cannot help it.
Related: How to Handle Back Talk Like a Parenting Warrior
Helping your kids.
In order for kids to learn to listen, focus and follow directions as they grow, they need to develop proprioception and vestibular sense by experiencing many physical challenges during childhood.
Without it, kids can’t pay attention in school because they are too distracted by their own bodies. Putting clothes on, trying new foods, and finishing homework become insurmountable tasks when kids don’t have a strong vestibular sense or well-developed proprioception.
Study after study shows that kids today desperately need more physical activity. “John Ratey, an associate professor of psychiatry at Harvard, suggests that people think of exercise as medication for ADHD. Even very light physical activity improves mood and cognitive performance by triggering the brain to release dopamine and serotonin, similar to the way that stimulant medications like Adderall do.” (source)
Angela J. Hanscom, author of Balanced and Barefoot
While I’m not certain if her age-based recommended times are realistic or not, they are as follows:
- Toddlers → At least five to eight hours of active play per day, preferably outdoors
- Preschoolers → At least five to eight hours of active play per day, preferably outdoors.
- School age → At least four to five hours of physical activity and outdoor play.
- Adolescents → Physical activity three to four hours a day.
Here are a few ways to support your child’s vestibular sense:
- Spinning in circles.
- Using a Merry-Go-Round.
- Rolling down a hill.
- Spinning on a swing.
- Going upside down.
- Climbing trees.
- Rocking.
- Jumping rope.
- Summersaults or cartwheels.
- Using monkey bars.
- Skating.
- Going backwards.
- Swimming.
- Dancing.
- Wheel-barrel walks.
Here are a few ways to support your child’s proprioceptive input:
- Carrying or lifting boxes.
- Pushing or pulling a wagon.
- Build a fort.
- Rake leaves.
- Shovel snow.
- Pick up and put down heavy sticks.
- Dig in the dirt.
- Carry buckets of sand or water.
- Give hugs.
- Knead playdoh
- Jump on a trampoline.
- Chewing on something
- Squeezing a stress ball
- Playing Tug-O-War with a stretchy band
Related Posts:
Let the kids live “dangerously.”
As a parent, there are many times I’ve cringed and closed my eyes to avoid watching my child spin in circles, slither across the monkey bars or swing high into the air. It’s only natural to worry that something will happen.
But the truth is kids know what they need. Children with healthy neurological systems naturally seek out the sensory input they need on their own. They do this without thinking about it.
When they jump, swing, spin, pick up rocks or dig in the dirt, kids are doing exactly what they need. They aren’t intentionally doing it to get hurt, act rambunctiously, worry you or get messy.
They are doing it to help themselves become safer, calmer and happier kids.
Like Dr. Tina Bryson says, “You can trust development.” Her words have never been more true.
Many of these ideas come from a life-changing parenting book called Balanced and Barefoot: How Unrestricted Outdoor Play Makes for Strong, Confident and Capable Children.
I think one reason parents are hovering and (maybe) overly cautious on behalf of their children today is that if the child gets hurt, it could be catastrophically expensive–even with health insurance–xrays, tests, hospitalization, physical therapy/occupational therapy, etc. can wipe out a family’s finances quickly. And that’s just the money expense. We know more about concussions and traumatic brain injuries now and their potentially lingering effects. The activities listed in the article are all great, as long as the child is being watched by an attentive adult.
Agreed. An “attentive adult” at the playground nowadays is called a “helicopter mom”
This! I say this all of the time. I feel like I’m constantly torn because I don’t want to be a parent that is constantly worried about my kid hurting himself, but I know if he did break an arm or have to get stitches it would kill our finances. I feel like even just a few years ago when he was born it wasn’t as expensive as it now. And we are lucky enough to have steady and above average income and an employer that provides insurance. We also have the added joy of every single person carrying a camera in their pocket ready to document our “negligence” and plaster it all over the internet for others to shame and judge our parenting or in some cases actually call police. I get a little frustrated when the phrase “back in the day I let my kids do etc..” because I know, I was one if those kids back in the day
i don’t believe you have to be far away sitting on a bench to develop these skills in a 1-3 years old. I never wanted to risk an unnecessary painful injury or a hotline for lack of supervision.
I totally ageee that all the above activities are great. I agree, but I feel there are physical risk to weigh when you want to be 20 feet away. I’ve been called a helicopter mom and I don’t care it doesn’t offend me. My son isn’t bubbled wrapped in the house but I was extremely eyes on and close enough to catch him when he was in high spots in the toddler years. I see your point but age of the child has a lot to do with how close a parent should be in my opinion. Obviously your children are fine but some children do get brain injuries and broken arms that could be avoided if a parent were near by to catch them. Which in itself gives then a great sense of security and trust with their parent.
Marsha, Absolutely! It’s really looking at the age and development of the child, providing the support they need to take a little bit of risk, while at the same time protecting their safety. There’s a lot a 1-3 year old can do safely – like push or pull a wagon. Whereas in a high playground setting, the child would need a parent much closer to ensure safety. It’s all about common sense and knowing what is best for your individual child.
Can I add to this…a child will remember that something hurt (like pinching fingers in the chains on the swing) and not do it again. But when mom says it’ll hurt, that is like a challenge to prove that it wont. Let them fail and make mistakes, its a great learning tool!
I love this! I am hoping to gain some insight from you and other parents. My daughter is 5 and starts kindergarten in August. She is extremely active and I am in a panic as to how we go about meeting her needs once she starts full-day school. She will get home after 3 in the afternoon and we start our nighttime routine at 7. How do we fit in all the activity she will need? She wants to play soccer and she loves to do art. I just feel like there isn’t going to be enough time in the day. What do you and other parents do? Thank you!
Is it legally required that she be in full day kindergarten at age 5? That’s a long time for a young one her age.
Explore how much “free/active” time she will get at school. It may be that they already know that kids need supervised play-time and work that into the schedule.
Thank you. It is time someone said something. My kids swung from trees. Slid down homemade flying foxes. Climbed along the top of walls and were allowed to just explore life. Now I look at the overbearing “care” exercised by governments due to them not wanting to take part in law suits and my heart bleeds for freedom. The legal profession has done the world a disservice by allowing people to sue others for their own stupidity and lack of common sense.
Please explain just how a kid should get 8 hours of play time a day? Who on earth has the ability to play 8 hours outside a day? Know what I think? I think your article amounts to mom shaming. Dollars to donuts says your aren’t outside playing 8 hours a day. Also, there is a difference between risk and unreasonable risk. Allowing a child who isn’t strong enough to play on a monkey bar the way they were intended to be played on is an unreasonable risk. Your example is nothing more than shock value for your blog. Get a clue.
8 hours of active play (preferably outside) can be legitimately anything. Indoors too. If you’re telling me your child sits down for that long every day then you’re the one who needs a clue.
My kids are awake from 5am til 730/8pm. That’s 14.5-15 hours. Let’s say they spend 3 hours eating because let’s be honest.. It takes them forever sometimes.. There’s still 12 hours left in a day. One hour of screen time, 2 hours for miscellaneous (baths, sitting in the car etc) and there is legit PLENTY of active play time in a day. Even if your child still naps. It doesn’t all have to be outside. Indoor play can be just as active. If you feel attacked by this article maybe it is you who isnt spending time wisely.
Great article and it puts the scientific perspective on what we’ve all known in our gut. I get this response all the time, especially from the well-meaning grannies here in the Middle East :). One point I like to make is that heart disease is one of the biggest killers, and a good foundation of physical activity vs. couch time is a great preventative. Secondly, a kid who hasn’t developed his climbing and jumping skills naturally at a young age is likely the one who breaks his arm on the class field trip or scouts campout, since learning one’s limits and how to fall “safely” is a big part of early development. Also when kids have had plenty of spontaneous exercise they seem hungry for the right kind of foods! My son is now obsessed with his fit-bit and scored over 30,000 steps one day from playing at the park for a few hours. He didn’t even notice he was doing an intense cardio marathon. And I never hear “I’m bored”….from my own kids at least ;). The other day my two littles drew a crowd watching them power across the monkey bars, from above, below and swinging by their feet. I didn’t realize they had learned such outstanding skills. Maybe we should open a circus :).
You are absolutely right! Another sad piece of this problem is that many parents are afraid of having “concerned” bystanders call the police or CPS and schools are afraid of being sued if a child is injured on campus. These fears, unfortunately, are legitimate.
Hi
I’m a neurodevelopmental movement therapist and a mom to teenagers (they had their little issues when they were younger)
I tend to work with children who generally had a traumatic birth and the nervous systems have taken the brunt of it.
This is so well written and very easy to understand. Thank you for the article. Proprioception and popcorn….love it!!
Thank you so much.