Inside: Learn the most important (and overlooked) reason why kids won’t listen, focus or sit still. Plus, get 25+ ways to help your kids build these important life skills.
My son climbed to the top of the monkey bars and snaked across them from above. He’s not strong enough to swing across arm-to-arm, so his solution is to catapult his legs up, pull his entire body on top of the bars, and slither across.
A mom walked up to me. “Your son’s on top of the monkey bars. Just thought I’d let you know so he doesn’t fall and get hurt.”
Shortly after, two kids walked up and said, “He’s on top of the monkey bars! He’s going to get hurt.”
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It happened in other situations, too.
When I took my two kids to a Merry-Go-Round, and let them have it as I sat on a picnic bench watching from afar, parents and kids alike voiced their concerns.
“Someone is going to break their arm over there!”
“She’s going to fall and get hurt.”
“He’s spinning, and he’s going to get sick.”
Same thing when people saw my kids hanging upside down (per their own doing) for several minutes at a time.
“All the blood is rushing to his head. It’s gonna make him sick.”
“That’s too dangerous!”
Or when people saw my kids twisting and spinning around on a swing.
“Someone is going to get their fingers pinched!”
“That’s not safe. Put your bottom on the swing.”
The bigger issue occurred — for other parents — when my kids did these things and their children wanted to join in the “dangerous” activity. This is a common thread I see at playgrounds and when talking with parents I work with through parent coaching.
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Here’s the problem: Why kids won’t listen.
Children’s ability to move and play are being restricted more than ever. We are trying to protect them by saying “No climbing,” “No running,” “No spinning,” “That’s too dangerous,” and “Get down from there!”
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However, research shows that the drastic decline in “risky” outdoor play in kids is creating behavior problems. By constantly hovering over kids, restricting their movement, and diminishing their time to play, we are causing more harm than good.
“According the to American Academy of Pediatrics (2013), a recent study show that the average child spends eight hours a day in front of screens (television, video games, computers, smart phones, and so on). Older children and adolescents are spending an average of eleven hours a day in front of screens.” (Hanscom 2016).
That’s a huge amount of time spent in front of screens, which provide little to no proprioceptive or vestibular input (which I’ll talk about in a second). In prior generations, this time was spent outdoors or in play.
This is the important part.
In order for kids to listen, focus and learn to sit still for a period of time, they must develop both proprioception and vestibular sense. The most critical time to develop a child’s proprioception and vestibular sense is before age six.
With all the time spent in front of screens and telling kids to sit still, avoid climbing, and stop jumping, it’s not surprising why kids won’t listen.
Proprioception is what tells you where your body parts are without having to look at them. This is the sense that helps you make sense of gravity. It’s the reason you can switch from the gas pedal to the brake without looking at your feet, or bring popcorn to your mouth without taking your eyes off the movie screen.
Without properly developed proprioception, kids can push too hard during tag, fall out their seat at the dinner table, or trip while walking up stairs. (You’ll see this a lot in toddlers as they develop proprioception, but you should see it less and less in kids ages four, five, six and beyond).
Vestibular sense provides information about where the body is in relation to its surroundings. This is the sense that helps you understand balance, and it connects with all the other senses.
When the vestibular system does not develop properly all other senses will struggle to function properly. Without a strong vestibular sense, kids will have no choice but to fidget, get frustrated, experience more falls and aggression, get too close to people when talking, and struggle with focusing and listening. Because they literally cannot help it.
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Helping your kids.
In order for kids to learn to listen, focus and follow directions as they grow, they need to develop proprioception and vestibular sense by experiencing many physical challenges during childhood.
Without it, kids can’t pay attention in school because they are too distracted by their own bodies. Putting clothes on, trying new foods, and finishing homework become insurmountable tasks when kids don’t have a strong vestibular sense or well-developed proprioception.
Study after study shows that kids today desperately need more physical activity. “John Ratey, an associate professor of psychiatry at Harvard, suggests that people think of exercise as medication for ADHD. Even very light physical activity improves mood and cognitive performance by triggering the brain to release dopamine and serotonin, similar to the way that stimulant medications like Adderall do.” (source)
Angela J. Hanscom, author of Balanced and Barefoot and pediatric occupational therapist, recommends getting your kids outside as much as possible. Ideally, kids of all ages should get at least three hours of free outdoor play daily.
While I’m not certain if her age-based recommended times are realistic or not, they are as follows:
- Toddlers → At least five to eight hours of active play per day, preferably outdoors
- Preschoolers → At least five to eight hours of active play per day, preferably outdoors.
- School age → At least four to five hours of physical activity and outdoor play.
- Adolescents → Physical activity three to four hours a day.
Here are a few ways to support your child’s vestibular sense:
- Spinning in circles.
- Using a Merry-Go-Round.
- Rolling down a hill.
- Spinning on a swing.
- Going upside down.
- Climbing trees.
- Rocking.
- Jumping rope.
- Summersaults or cartwheels.
- Using monkey bars.
- Skating.
- Going backwards.
- Swimming.
- Dancing.
- Wheel-barrel walks.
Here are a few ways to support your child’s proprioceptive input:
- Carrying or lifting boxes.
- Pushing or pulling a wagon.
- Build a fort.
- Rake leaves.
- Shovel snow.
- Pick up and put down heavy sticks.
- Dig in the dirt.
- Carry buckets of sand or water.
- Give hugs.
- Knead playdoh
- Jump on a trampoline.
- Chewing on something
- Squeezing a stress ball
- Playing Tug-O-War with a stretchy band
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Let the kids live “dangerously.”
As a parent, there are many times I’ve cringed and closed my eyes to avoid watching my child spin in circles, slither across the monkey bars or swing high into the air. It’s only natural to worry that something will happen.
But the truth is kids know what they need. Children with healthy neurological systems naturally seek out the sensory input they need on their own. They do this without thinking about it.
When they jump, swing, spin, pick up rocks or dig in the dirt, kids are doing exactly what they need. They aren’t intentionally doing it to get hurt, act rambunctiously, worry you or get messy.
They are doing it to help themselves become safer, calmer and happier kids.
Like Dr. Tina Bryson says, “You can trust development.” Her words have never been more true.
Download your free printable.
Chances are you won’t remember all the ways to support your child’s vestibular and proprioceptive development. This printable simplifies it!
Here’s a sneak preview…
- Download the checklist. Join 37,000+ parents who receive my weekly-ish tips and ideas and get the printable delivered straight to you inbox.
- Print. Any paper will do the trick, but cardstock would be ideal.
- Place it on your refrigerator. Check off the things as you go and don’t forget a thing!
Many of these ideas come from a life-changing parenting book called Balanced and Barefoot: How Unrestricted Outdoor Play Makes for Strong, Confident and Capable Children.
Want more on parenting?
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Judi Barrett
I’m all for outdoor play and risk-taking, and given that we live rurally with no TV and almost no screen time my kids get plenty of active play. I agree that this is vital to normal human development. But I also think it’s important that children learn, from a young age, about the impact they have on those around them – especially more vulnerable people. For example, my older child and his friends have free reign to play their endless mock-fighting games, and swing off and over playground equipment in whatever ways they choose when it’s just them. But when there’s younger kids around I expect them to set the example. I believe that the best teacher of a little kid is a big kid – so when little kids see big kids taking risks they tend to take the same risks. So I pull my kids up in the playground if I think they’re setting a bad example for others. I reckon this helps them take responsibility for their actions, and also builds leadership skills, since it often leads to them coaching younger children on how to ‘safely’ play rough.
Kristin
Excellent!! Yes!
Alexia
I love this!! As a mom of a very adventurous and independent 2.5 year old boy, I am constantly feeling like he is going to get injured but trying to push that fear down as I let him experience life. I grew up in the south and in the country so we had a lot of freedom. My most fond memories of childhood are playing outside for hours on end. Even though as a parent myself now I slightly cringe at the things we were allowed to do, I know that it gave me confidence, taught me to be independent, gave me the chance to problem solve on my own. I want that now for my son but with all of the parenting “rules” today it almost feels like bad parenting. So thank you for this article. It makes me feel so much better! Like I’m actually being a good parent by letting him be a kid like I was.
Christina
Where did this data come from? I would really like to see the study:
“research shows that the drastic decline in “risky” outdoor play in kids is creating behavior problems”
William
An interesting article, and I agree with the general ideas in it, however 5-8 hours of basically rough/free play for any kid no matter what age, has been unrealistic for any urban/suburban family for at least as long as I have been alive. Back in my golden age of the late 70s (I was born in ’72) I was lucky then to get 3-4 hours outside on a good day. I will say that my parents, while keeping an eye on us, let us get a few bumps and bruises, and that is the difference between then and the “helicopter” parents of today. Actually I’m pretty sure there were helicopter parents then, but we didn’t call them that. Instead, us kids just called the kids of such parents “wussies.” LOL. Unfair bc it wasn’t the kids’ fault! Anyway, we all do our best, and who can fault parents for protecting their kids right? I hope I can be a perfect parent and strike the perfect balance between protection and exposure, but I won’t be, and neither will anyone else. Meanwhile, yes, let’s absolutely try and make sure that outside playtime exceeds inside iPad time by a significant margin.
Lauren
My 4.5 year old has been learning to use the monkey bars, with help, this summer. He thought he could do it on his own at daycare and fell. He ended up fracturing his humerus and has been in a cast for the last 4 weeks. That doesn’t slow him down tho. I’ve learned that I can’t stop him or slow him down myself so all I say is ‘be careful’ or ‘let’s not break another bone today.’ His only response is ‘kay.’ While we haven’t broken any more bones, that doesn’t stop him from giving me heart attacks and calming myself down while I let him explore himself and his own boundaries.
Esther
I agree. My motto is: I’d ratjer they learn their body boundaries now while they’re small than when they are taller & stronger (& climb higher) & can get hurt because they haven’t developed the skills they need to conduct their bodies safely when they are older.
Smaller bodies can’t climb as high and have less weight when/if they fall. That’s how they learn their own boundaries.
Esther
Very interesting topics
Amy Thiessen
Love this article!
Lucy
At least five to eight hours of active play per day?? Are they serious? This is not even realistic! Who the heck is going to be outside or in parks 5 to 8 hours per day supervising a toddler outside? Because obviously we can’t just take a 5 yr old outside and leave them there.
Leah
Why not? My four and five year olds play outside unsupervised in our yard, not fenced in. I check on them. I come and go outside. They do the same. We have cold winters. Americans have become watch dogs with their kids. It was not always this way. Many of my friends shut the door and make their kids stay outside for several hours unattended. They play. Read Bringing up Bebe on the French culture of raising children, as it provides some great insights!