Raising Kids
A biting toddler is no joke, friends.
A while back I wrote about How to Get a Baby to Stop Biting, and after using the steps I discussed in that post, we effectively managed to stop our son from biting. Funny enough at the end of that post I wrote, “I am vigorously reinforcing ‘No biting’ and keeping a very watchful eye, as biting will surely rear its ugly head once again at some point down the road.”
Well, that definitely happened. At 14 months, our son and biting fell madly in love, and as a mother, it seemed there was little I could do to break them apart. It’s one of those moments in motherhood when you realize you have a serious problem on your hands.
By serious I mean…
He was biting me incessantly, running after me with his arms and mouth wide open ready to chomp down.
He was also biting other children incessantly, running after them with his arms and mouth wide open.
For me, this was the breaking point. He was unsafe to be around other children without being watched intensely 100% of the time. I could not look away for a second. Something had to be done. There are several steps to lead your child down a bite free path (#5 is the clincher and probably the least wise of all!).
1. Tell the child “No biting.”
We worked really hard to teach “no biting,” knowing Jameson would eventually learn the meaning of this phrase through frequent repetition. In order to teach “no biting,” I get down to his eye level and look him directly in the eye. I wait until he is looking at me, then say “no biting” while using a grimacing facial expression. I try to convey a calm tone without yelling.
2. Walk away.
In my post about stopping baby biting, the number one thing that helped our son stop biting was sitting him down on the floor and walking away. It helped our son learn that biting is not rewarded with play, cuddles, or interaction from others. After telling my son “no biting,” I simply sit him on the floor and walk away a bit. You don’t have to go far.
I typically walk to the other side of the room and wait for a few minutes.
Returning to him after a few minutes, I remind him “no biting” and sit next to him. Some things that I read suggested saying “I love you” or offering kisses and cuddles at this point. However, we were dealing with a serious biting issue and my son was clearly confused that it was some sort of a game. I wanted to reinforce that the logical consequence of biting was not play or affection from me.
The whole process of saying “no biting” and walking away and then returning is only a matter of a few minutes. Then we move on with our day.
3. Examine the cause.
Toddlers may often have a reason for biting. Treating the underlying cause may easily eliminate biting, and if used in conjunction with the above two steps, I think there is a good chance for success.
Here are a few common causes I discovered:
- Teething → I try managing the child’s pain as best I can with teething toys to chew on and over the counter Tylenol, if needed.
- Boredom → I try to make things a little more exciting around the house. Dance parties are always fun!
- Frustration → I try to repeat back what I hypothesize my son is trying to do or say.
- Seeking attention → I try to offer more quality time.
- Tired → I start getting sleep in order by reading some good information about sleep.
- Lack of language skills → I use baby sign language and again try to repeat back what I think my son is trying to say.
- Experimenting → Sometimes kids are just testing the waters.
4. Prevent the problem.
If I know there is a type of activity or situation when my toddler is more likely to bite, I try avoiding those types of situations. This seems really obvious, right? And it isn’t always easy to avoid situations, especially when real life happens and you have to leave the house and be around others at some point. This brings me to my last and final step.
5. Avoid resorting to desperate measures.
As a mother, I hope to use gentle parenting methods throughout parenthood, especially since research shows that harsh discipline actually causes more behavioral problems than gentle parenting. But that’s a whole other post.
My son continued to bite me, my husband, and other kids. Actually, he pretty much tried to bite everyone. All. The. Time.
It was a terrible, terrible problem. After completing all the above steps, I was truly at a loss. I was in the midst of a motherhood crisis, incapable of teaching my toddler that biting was not okay. I talked to a lot of other moms about this topic, seeking advice. I researched about biting on the internet, scouring to find any method I could.
If you read expert recommendations they will tell you never to bite your child back. I agree that inflicting pain on your child is not a wise parenting method. If you read many forums I found parents advocating for biting a child back. Several parents that I personally spoke with told me to bite my son back. Other parents said biting your child and inflicting pain is abuse. These are merely the facts.
Because he was biting so frequently, I felt a lot of pressure to do something fast to get my son to stop biting.
And then it happened…
I bit my kid.
It was enough to hurt him without breaking the skin.
Horrible! It’s was one of my bad mom moments, but I was at a cross-roads. Something had to change, and I was willing to try anything at that point. I actively tried to prevent him from biting.
Horrendous, I know! I did not want to bite him, but I felt I needed to follow through. He was never bruised, nor were there teeth marks.
Now please, don’t send me hate mail…
I realize that biting your child isn’t a wise idea. I am in no way advocating for parents to bite their children. I am simply sharing my experience. In fact, if you have tips and suggestions for how to stop biting, I would love to hear your ideas in the comments because I could really use some help! I do not plan on biting him again. It’s just not the route I want to travel down. I am continuing with steps 1-4 to remind him not to bite others.
My son still needs gentle verbal reminders, but for the most part, we can go out in public again. He can be around other children without me worrying that his will take a giant bite of flesh, and that is a very good thing.
Want more on parenting?
- How to Get Your Toddler to Stop Biting, When Nothing Works
- One Thing You Can Give Your Toddler to Get Better Behavior
- 15+ Best Tips to Manage Aggressive Behavior in Toddlers
- 9 Parenting Tricks to Teach Kids to Listen
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Having been there myself and since I am currently enduring a season of biting with another child, I’m going to give the bit of wisdom I’ve gleaned over the years: it all boils down to consistency. Meaning stopping anything and everything you’re doing to correct your child, each and every time they bite. Your kid isn’t going to stop biting overnight, there is no one time miracle cure. Whatever method of discipline you choose to use (spanking, time out, biting back, etc) you must implement it EVERY TIME you see your child biting, as lovingly but firmly as possible. It might take days, it might take months before your kid decides it simply isn’t worth it. My money is on months. As for the type of discipline you use, I would highly recommend trying the authors suggestion of verbally reprimanding and then giving a brief time out. I have also flicked the corner of my child’s mouth while telling them ‘No biting’. Whatever discipline you choose, please understand that it will need to be implemented numerous times, possibly numerous times on a single day. While I am not against physical discipline if it is done lovingly and with the child’s best interest at heart, experience has taught me that biting is not an issue to implement it with. You will inevitably end up leaving bruises on your child, and trust me, that is not guilt you want. It’s just going to take your time, and a lot of it. Period.
This is a tip from a mom friend who is 80yrs old now. 2nd time I have gotten a good tip or something different from a mom who got it from their mom. Perhaps wise women. Someone should start a blog with old timey remedies…
When my sisters and I little
If we said a bad word
( or using teeth for biting)
Either would put a finger with a little ivory soap on the inside of the lips
Every time…. it will work
And doesn’t harm
Just the taste of soap is a deterrent…
No judgement here, I think I would’ve done the same in such a situation. My 14 month daughter is luckily not a biter, but is getting bitten at a mommy and me class. This has happened to other kids too so we are all vigilant when he is near our children, but it happens so fast. I empathize with his mom, but wish there is something we could do. I don’t want my daughter to pick up this habit and its terrible to see her in tears after the incident. What do you do???
As I am now a grandmother of a 20 month old who – as of this day, is experiencing day one of two “removal of school” days from daycare because of 3 biting incidents in one day. We were making great progress – until yesterday and I honestly believe she was suffering from teeth pain from sinus pressure. She was cranky the day before and then yesterday 3 in one day. All that to say – yes, sometimes the “bite back” method does illustrate why biting is not allowed. I believe the child receives the message differently when it comes from a parent than another child. They understand that when a person of trust does it, and there is some pain, and further reinforced with “We don’t bite” – I think that is easier for them to understand. – Side note – Lauren, I love this article and your site, I wish I would have had this resource when I was a young mom.
My own children never bit. However, as a in home childcare provider I have recently been challenged with a LO who was under 2 and biting another child constantly over miscommunications, toys, boredom, tiredness ect. Most likely it was due to to attention issues even though we did constant activities. We tried everything! His mother and I were trying so hard to makes things work but it was getting out of hand and I was about to have to tell her I couldn’t keep him anymore. Until I realized that he loved cars and I decided to get a treasure box with tons of little cars and toys and lollipops and would give him constant reminders of the treasure box throughout the day. The change was seriously overnight. Goals/Rewards were the answer all along!
My 3 year old son is biting his arm out of frustration and anger. He leaves really bad bruises but has not drawn blood, yet. It’s always his arm, sometimes his hand. He doesn’t bite anything else. It looks like it hurts. It has to hurt. Yet the pain doesn’t seem to be phasing him when he is angry or frustrated.
At this point I’ve read all I can read on the subject of toddlers who bite. I’m seeing a lot of theory but no real solid solutions. I keep hoping to find the magic solution. The epiphany. The turning point.
I’ve talked to him calmly but firmly repeating the mantra, “Don’t bite. Biting is bad. Biting hurts.” I’ve tried to reason with him. I’ve tried to bribe him. I’ve tried to distract him and change his focus. I’ve tried to role play that biting hurts using Elmo and his teddy bear. We’ve done time-outs, cuddling, ignoring. Tried consequences like being sprayed with a spray bottle, yelling at him and taking away toys. Nothing works. He keeps biting himself every time he has a tantrum about anything.
He knows. He knows it’s bad but he does it anyway. He knows it hurts. I’ve done everything I can to re-train his behavior. We’ve told him, “You can yell, you can cry, you can scream, you can stomp your feet, but NO BITING. Biting hurts. Biting is bad.” I’ve also tried to teach him to clench his fists and growl when he’s mad about something. Count to twenty and take a deep breathe. Then use his words and tell me what is wrong. He will count and breathe when he’s happily playing and he has no problem communicating. But when he flies into a rage and turns into the Hulk, Hulk bite. Nothing we discussed calmly Last time about why biting is bad stuck. No deal. Next tantrum, he goes right back to biting his arm. Can’t break the cycle.
Meanwhile, I am getting angrier and yelling way more than I should. Trying to keep calm while your child is physically hurting himself is exhausting and it hurts. I hate yelling at him. Feels insane yelling at a three year old. I keep thinking that if he does end up mirroring my rage, then at least he won’t bite and hurt himself. He can have a tantrum. Just don’t bite.
We keep thinking that it might have been different had it not been for this pandemic. He would have other kids to play with, to learn from and help him model his behavior. It has just been us this whole time. Some developmental delays were expected like swimming lessons, learning to ride a big boy bike and he’ll be late learning some social skills that he can only get from the playground, but the biting thing has been going on way too long and it needs to stop.
My toddlers cousins who was 6 months younger than him always bites, hits and pinches him. What do you think the reason why?. I’m actually frustrated whenever that child did that, and my son doesn’t fight back at all, he will just cry and scream if the bite was so intense. My child use to bite us before but when I told him it’s not good, he stopped and won’t bite us anymore.
Hi Lauren!
First off, thank you for your post. I currently do not experience this problem but I have a 13 month old who is not only spitting her food, but she takes it out of her mouth and throws it across the room. It’s been 2 months since it began and last week, I was low on patience – ended up toppling her plate of food on her lap. I felt terrible and couldn’t believe what I did.
Your reaction to your son’s biting makes me feel human. Thank you for being honest – it takes a lot of courage. I didn’t realise how much guilt we can harbour as a mother. Thank you, once again. I needed this!
Thank you for sharing your experience. I really appreciate it. I am covered in bruises from my 14 month old biting me and it’s only getting worse! One time she bit me so hard I saw stars (it was while breastfeeding) I flicked her nose and bit her finger because it hurt so bad I couldn’t even respond in a rational manner. It’s nice to hear I’m not alone and continuing to fight the battle with gentle parenting to prevent the nipple bites!