A few weeks ago I published a post called The Real Reason Being a Military Wife is So Hard, and while the responses were overwhelmingly positive, there were several responses showcasing the self-destructive military spouse wars occurring in the community. Written months prior to publishing, I wrote it sitting on my couch alone in a foreign country with my husband deployed. I wrote what I was feeling in that moment as I was struggling with military life.
The majority of the time, most military spouses maintain a positive outlook on military life. It provides families with blessings and opportunities. It helps spouses grow and become strong, independent women. It’s allows military spouses to travel the world and meet amazing people. But of course, there are times when it feels hard and military life is a struggle. There are times when you need to vent with humility and courage and say, “This is hard.”
It doesn’t mean that we have it the “hardest” or the “worst” or that no one else has it hard either. It doesn’t mean any of those things. It simply means that you feel that it is hard sometimes.
It is disheartening to see that the most negative responses came from military spouses themselves. To see military spouses bashing other military spouses. This is known as military spouse shaming, and it is the dark side of military life. These are the moments when military spouses tear down other spouses who are sharing their weakest moments and most vulnerable struggles.
Now is the time to help create awareness of this problem in the military spouse community, to help us learn and grow, to help us unite and to help us create a more positive, supportive, and welcoming community. Because we are all in this together…
“I guess some of us handle it better than others, and some feel they need recognition (dependas). *cough cough”
If you don’t already know, you may wonder what exactly is a dependa or dependapotomus?
According to Urban Dictionary, it is “Traditionally a service-members dependent who is a “stay at home mom” that doesn’t do a damn thing all day besides sitting on the couch looking remarkably similar to jabba the hut leaching off of military benefits and eating anything that gets too close.”
Being a military spouse does not mean that you are invincible. It doesn’t mean that you aren’t allowed to feel sad, upset or angry about military life. And it certainly doesn’t mean that you are a dependent woman, who eats bonbons all day long just because you struggle from time to time.
Military spouses are independent, loyal, educated, strong, smart and savvy women. These military spouses are amazing wives, and you know, they still struggle just like everyone else. Admitting to struggling is a brave and courageous thing to do. Most aren’t willing to do so. When you see a fellow military spouse struggling, encourage her, help her and guide her.
“I would never in my wildest dreams ask my husband to stop going for his dreams. Ever.”
While some military spouses said they would never ask their husband to leave the military, many military spouses came out and shared that they too asked their husband to get out of the military. While I cannot speak to the way they asked their spouse to leave military life behind, I can tell you that I had the best of intentions when I asked the question.
I asked my spouse to only get out if it is what he truly wanted. That he shouldn’t leave for me, which is exactly why he chose to stay. When we parted ways, it was on the best of terms. We loved each other but didn’t necessarily see our lives heading in the same direction. I think that is a sign of true honesty and maturity—to be realistic about what you are willing to live with before you get married.
Spouses are giving up their dreams too…
Very few people recognize that service members ask their spouses to give up their dreams equally as much. In my personal situation, my spouse wanted me to give up my job and my life to move to be with him and join along for his life and his dreams. Let’s face it, if you want a relationship to work, you probably don’t want to be long-distance forever. It is discouraging that as a culture we often expect women to give up their dreams as if it is our duty. While asking our male counterparts to do the same is something you shouldn’t do “ever.”
There’s a higher level of scrutiny occurring, as if being in the military means that your calling is always higher or more important than anyone else. Asking someone to change jobs is not a request that should be taken lightly, and it should always be asked respectfully with the utmost thought and greatest intentions. At the same time, however, it’s important to be realistic about what you are willing to live with in the long run, rather than committing to a promise you aren’t able to keep.
“Sounds quite whiny & needy. When you have a good relationship, you will be just fine.”
One of the most challenging parts about the military community is that you are supposed to sit down, shut up, and suck it up. Stop complaining. Stop whining. I get it–a minority of spouses cried wolf one too many times, and people are sick of the complaining.
However, the majority of spouses are sharing their struggles in an effort to cope better and to work through real issues in a healthy and constructive way. We all know that one of the most unhealthy things that you can do from a psychological standpoint is bury your problems and never talk about them. It’s okay to say things are hard. It’s okay to say that you are struggling and talk it out. It shouldn’t be taboo to share that you are an imperfect military spouse who isn’t “just fine.” Many spouses with the strongest marriages still struggle.
“Deal with it. Being a military spouse is much easier than what your husband does.”
Of course, going to war and being a service member is hard. The article was in no way comparing military spouse struggles to those of a service member. Nor was it comparing military spouse life to the circumstances of anyone else. Being a military spouse isn’t the hardest thing in the world. I think most military spouses recognize that, but it doesn’t mean that we cannot struggle or find certain aspects of life hard.
“It’s not that hard….I would NEVER ask my husband to choose career or me, never. When you love someone so much these things, these problems are just obstacles!”
I applaud anyone who says military life isn’t that hard. Good for you. I truly am glad that you are not struggling. However, empathy is important here. It’s hard to know what another spouse is going through. It’s hard to know a spouse’s unique circumstances. A spouse may experience a challenging time parenting three special needs children while her spouse is deployed. A spouse may experience a challenging time helping her service member manage PTSD, worrying about his emotional outbursts or night terrors. Or a spouse may experience a challenging time stationed half-way around the world from family, dealing with an emergent medical issue without friends and family available nearby for support.
You simply don’t know what you don’t know.
So for a moment, I think we all need to be a friend, open our arms and say, “I know you are struggling, but you can do this! I will help you.”
“Sorry but the ONLY thing that is hard for the wife is she misses her husband.”
I don’t think this is the true experience for most military spouses. There are many facets to military life that are hard for spouses, and I think we are doing ourselves a huge disservice by over-simplifying, minimizing and dumbing it down.
“WESPAC widows…”
What is exactly a WESPAC widow? According to Urban Dictionary, it is “A US Navy wife who f*@^s around with other men while her man is out on deployment. Named for the West Pacific, or WestPac cruise, which is a common and lengthy deployment for West Coast sailors.”
It’s unfortunate that a few military spouses have ruined it for all the good military spouses out there. Many other military spouses wouldn’t dream of ever cheating on their service member, let alone during a deployment. A few military spouses have run around cheating, stealing money, and doing other very immoral things. This doesn’t mean this is indicative of every military spouse on the planet.
There are many service members cheating on their spouses while they’re on deployment. Women take the heat for this behavior and are hated, but there are guys who do this garbage too, and there doesn’t seem to be the same level of hate or vitriol for them.
I think it’s important to choose our words wisely. Just because a spouse is sharing her struggles does not mean she is an unfaithful wife.
Wrapping it up.
So if I’m trying to stay positive and unite the military spouse community, why share and perpetuate all the negativity? Because I want others to recognize what is being said to other spouses is wrong. That we should turn these conversations around when we see bullying and spouse shaming in the military community. That if you see these things said, recognize that you can change and become a positive voice in the military community.
You can encourage and empathize and truly help other military spouses who are struggling.
We are one military spouse community.
Want more on military life?
- Military Girlfriend to Military Wife: One Important Lesson You’ll Never Forget
- 25+ Self-Improvement Ideas to Do During a Deployment
- I’m Terrible at Being a Military Spouse
- The Real Reason Being a Military Wife is So Hard
Ana Lynn
Very powerful post, Lauren. I know I cannot relate to military spouse wars considering my husband is not a part of the military but I know of some other dark sides of military life through his parents so I can understand how much a supportive community is important.
I feel the same way about the ongoing mommy wars (working moms/stay at home moms) and I wish we could all just realize we are a part of one larger community and spend our time on being more supportive instead of judging or competing on who has it tougher or diminishing our struggles.
Lauren Tamm
Couldn’t agree more with you Anna. We all make great use of our time when we encourage, support and build up our friends in need.
Jo
Dude, agree, agree, agree. The most frustrating thing to me is the clear gender norms and disparities. John and I make decisions together– on both of our careers. (Although it’s a bit different for us since we married in the middle of his contract– there wasn’t an option for him to get out then. If there had been, I would have probably asked him to leave, too.) As a couple sharing a life together, making decisions together is the only way for us to be truly equal in each other’s eyes. And honestly, neither one of us wants to succeed and prosper at the expense of the other. We’re in our marriage together.
Lauren Tamm
I love that “neither one of us wants to succeed and prosper at the expense of the other.” That is a great line. And isn’t that the heart of what marriage is truly about? Around here we make decisions together as well. I have no qualms about staying at home full-time. I’m at peace with it, and it’s what’s best for our family. But these were heavy-hearted decisions to say the least.
Jo
Maybe I should write a blog post about it. 🙂
Lauren Tamm
Yes!
Janna Renee
What terrible comments from people!! When my husband (then boyfriend) said he wanted to join the military, I said HELL NO. He continued to have the dream because he wanted to follow in his parents footsteps (both 22 years in the AF), so eventually I gave in and told him if he waited until I was finished with school and ready to sign my life over too I would agree. I don’t regret making him wait almost two years to join because we made much smarter decisions by taking our time. Some may see it as selfish, but it made our bond and marriage stronger before signing both our lives away 😉 I’m sorry you had the negativity, but this is a beautiful post that many can learn from. Cheers to ALL of us!
Lauren Tamm
Truly. Cheers to the whole military community. We are truly all in this together.
Amber
Well said.
Gosh, I remember once when my husband was deployed. I was sick and my two kids were sick. We were throwing up all over the place. I had to CRAWL to help my son because I couldn’t stand. There are so many tough moments.
Some people just thrive on being mean.
Lauren Tamm
Those are the tough moments. No joke. It’s times like those when we really need a close friend and a helping hand from the military community to help us when there isn’t much help around. I remember one time I was severely ill, and I was so thankful my husband was stateside. I had to call him to come home from work. Like you I was literally crawling on the ground to take care of my child…I was that sick with a severe stomach bug. Sometimes it just a wonder how some spouses manage.
Jay
Well said Lauren!!!
Lauren Tamm
Thanks.
Molly
I love the way you are able to capture exactly what I am thinking. The “your husband’s job is harder than yours” is one that really hits home for me. I just want to say “duh”! Of course his job is hard, what with the fighting bad guys and being away from home part… but that doesn’t mean that being home without him is easy either!
Lauren Tamm
True story 🙂 I just think just because someone has really challenging circumstances, it doesn’t mean that someone can’t feel like life is hard for them too. Great comment. Thanks for sharing your side of the story too 🙂
Nichole @ Budget Loving Military Wife
Beautifully written post, as always Lauren! 🙂 I can’t wait to go read everyone’s link-up on this topic.
I am so thankful for our overseas PCS, it has truly opened-up my eyes to the many struggles of military spouses and families. Before, I honestly have to say I misunderstood many military spouses and wrongfully made assumptions (judgement). I have been really trying to focus on sharing love, kindness, and encouragement. Sometimes it is really difficult, but when faced with a negative comment/situation I’ve been taking a deep breathe and taking a few seconds to think of a way to change it to a positive experience. You definitely are an inspiring, positive person among the military community and I thank you for that! 🙂
Lauren Tamm
Hey Nichole. Wow. Thanks so much for your encouraging words. I too misunderstood many things about military life, and now seeing other spouses, service members, and families struggle…it’s easy for me to see that they are trying their darnedest to stay positive in the midst of some very real struggles. I think we really do have the power to create a more supportive and encouraging community!
Karina
Such elegant responses, Lauren! You’re right – it is taboo to not be the brave spouse who shuts up and sucks it up because she chose to marry a servicemember AND she isn’t the the one who has to deploy. That isn’t being “brave” though; being brave means facing what challenges you. Bottling it all up inside isn’t facing your challenges; it’s denial. The hardest thing for me to do was to be brave enough to ask for help when military life invaded our relationship just a tad too much.
Lauren Tamm
Facing challenges head on is so brave. Asking for help that is really tough, but I’ve learned I’m so much happier when I just go to a friend and ask for help.
Heather @ Life of a Traveling Navy Wife
Lauren, I love this post. It may be a little evil I chuckled at the WESPAC Widow part as this is how my husband’s ex-wife fueled the demise of their marriage. And like many other terms, I never knew this one existed, Forgive me. I truly mean this in a light-hearted manner.
Thank you for this. For your candor and for addressing comments you received. It astounds me the belittling exists. Someone just asked me, “Is this really a thing?” I hope through your words and wisdom minds will learn.
Lauren Tamm
It would be awesome if this helped encourage others to change. Really it would. I didn’t know what in the world WESPAC widow was either. Had to Google that one.
Kimberly
Thanks for shedding light on some of the conversations that are going on out there. It’s so important to realize that each individual copes in a different way and we need to give them the space to do so and offer encouragement along the way. Hard to do when people don’t respond to situations in the same way we would!
Lauren Tamm
Agreed!