Sit Down and Shut Up. You’re Just a Whiny Dependa!

A few weeks ago I published a post called The Real Reason Being a Military Wife is So Hard, and while the responses were overwhelmingly positive, there were several responses showcasing the self-destructive military spouse wars occurring in the community. Written months prior to publishing, I wrote it sitting on my couch alone in a foreign country with my husband deployed. I wrote what I was feeling in that moment as I was struggling with military life.

The majority of the time, most military spouses maintain a positive outlook on military life. It provides families with blessings and opportunities. It helps spouses grow and become strong, independent women. It’s allows military spouses to travel the world and meet amazing people. But of course, there are times when it feels hard and military life is a struggle. There are times when you need to vent with humility and courage and say, “This is hard.”

It doesn’t mean that we have it the “hardest” or the “worst” or that no one else has it hard either. It doesn’t mean any of those things. It simply means that you feel that it is hard sometimes.

It is disheartening to see that the most negative responses came from military spouses themselves. To see military spouses bashing other military spouses. This is known as military spouse shaming, and it is the dark side of military life. These are the moments when military spouses tear down other spouses who are sharing their weakest moments and most vulnerable struggles.

Now is the time to help create awareness of this problem in the military spouse community, to help us learn and grow, to help us unite and to help us create a more positive, supportive, and welcoming community. Because we are all in this together…

“I guess some of us handle it better than others, and some feel they need recognition (dependas). *cough cough”

If you don’t already know, you may wonder what exactly is a dependa or dependapotomus?

According to Urban Dictionary, it is “Traditionally a service-members dependent who is a “stay at home mom” that doesn’t do a damn thing all day besides sitting on the couch looking remarkably similar to jabba the hut leaching off of military benefits and eating anything that gets too close.”

Being a military spouse does not mean that you are invincible. It doesn’t mean that you aren’t allowed to feel sad, upset or angry about military life. And it certainly doesn’t mean that you are a dependent woman, who eats bonbons all day long just because you struggle from time to time.

Military spouses are independent, loyal, educated, strong, smart and savvy women. These military spouses are amazing wives, and you know, they still struggle just like everyone else. Admitting to struggling is a brave and courageous thing to do. Most aren’t willing to do so. When you see a fellow military spouse struggling, encourage her, help her and guide her.

“I would never in my wildest dreams ask my husband to stop going for his dreams. Ever.”

While some military spouses said they would never ask their husband to leave the military, many military spouses came out and shared that they too asked their husband to get out of the military. While I cannot speak to the way they asked their spouse to leave military life behind, I can tell you that I had the best of intentions when I asked the question.

I asked my spouse to only get out if it is what he truly wanted. That he shouldn’t leave for me, which is exactly why he chose to stay. When we parted ways, it was on the best of terms. We loved each other but didn’t necessarily see our lives heading in the same direction. I think that is a sign of true honesty and maturity—to be realistic about what you are willing to live with before you get married.

Spouses are giving up their dreams too…

Very few people recognize that service members ask their spouses to give up their dreams equally as much. In my personal situation, my spouse wanted me to give up my job and my life to move to be with him and join along for his life and his dreams. Let’s face it, if you want a relationship to work, you probably don’t want to be long-distance forever. It is discouraging that as a culture we often expect women to give up their dreams as if it is our duty. While asking our male counterparts to do the same is something you shouldn’t do “ever.”

There’s a higher level of scrutiny occurring, as if being in the military means that your calling is always higher or more important than anyone else. Asking someone to change jobs is not a request that should be taken lightly, and it should always be asked respectfully with the utmost thought and greatest intentions. At the same time, however, it’s important to be realistic about what you are willing to live with in the long run, rather than committing to a promise you aren’t able to keep.

“Sounds quite whiny & needy. When you have a good relationship, you will be just fine.”

One of the most challenging parts about the military community is that you are supposed to sit down, shut up, and suck it up. Stop complaining. Stop whining. I get it–a minority of spouses cried wolf one too many times, and people are sick of the complaining.

However, the majority of spouses are sharing their struggles in an effort to cope better and to work through real issues in a healthy and constructive way. We all know that one of the most unhealthy things that you can do from a psychological standpoint is bury your problems and never talk about them. It’s okay to say things are hard. It’s okay to say that you are struggling and talk it out. It shouldn’t be taboo to share that you are an imperfect military spouse who isn’t “just fine.” Many spouses with the strongest marriages still struggle.

“Deal with it. Being a military spouse is much easier than what your husband does.”

Of course, going to war and being a service member is hard. The article was in no way comparing military spouse struggles to those of a service member. Nor was it comparing military spouse life to the circumstances of anyone else. Being a military spouse isn’t the hardest thing in the world. I think most military spouses recognize that, but it doesn’t mean that we cannot struggle or find certain aspects of life hard.

“It’s not that hard….I would NEVER ask my husband to choose career or me, never. When you love someone so much these things, these problems are just obstacles!”

I applaud anyone who says military life isn’t that hard. Good for you. I truly am glad that you are not struggling. However, empathy is important here. It’s hard to know what another spouse is going through. It’s hard to know a spouse’s unique circumstances. A spouse may experience a challenging time parenting three special needs children while her spouse is deployed. A spouse may experience a challenging time helping her service member manage PTSD, worrying about his emotional outbursts or night terrors. Or a spouse may experience a challenging time stationed half-way around the world from family, dealing with an emergent medical issue without friends and family available nearby for support.

You simply don’t know what you don’t know.

So for a moment, I think we all need to be a friend, open our arms and say, “I know you are struggling, but you can do this! I will help you.”

“Sorry but the ONLY thing that is hard for the wife is she misses her husband.”

I don’t think this is the true experience for most military spouses. There are many facets to military life that are hard for spouses, and I think we are doing ourselves a huge disservice by over-simplifying, minimizing and dumbing it down.

“WESPAC widows…”

What is exactly a WESPAC widow? According to Urban Dictionary, it is “A US Navy wife who f*@^s around with other men while her man is out on deployment. Named for the West Pacific, or WestPac cruise, which is a common and lengthy deployment for West Coast sailors.”

It’s unfortunate that a few military spouses have ruined it for all the good military spouses out there. Many other military spouses wouldn’t dream of ever cheating on their service member, let alone during a deployment. A few military spouses have run around cheating, stealing money, and doing other very immoral things. This doesn’t mean this is indicative of every military spouse on the planet.

There are many service members cheating on their spouses while they’re on deployment. Women take the heat for this behavior and are hated, but there are guys who do this garbage too, and there doesn’t seem to be the same level of hate or vitriol for them.

I think it’s important to choose our words wisely. Just because a spouse is sharing her struggles does not mean she is an unfaithful wife.

Wrapping it up.

So if I’m trying to stay positive and unite the military spouse community, why share and perpetuate all the negativity? Because I want others to recognize what is being said to other spouses is wrong. That we should turn these conversations around when we see bullying and spouse shaming in the military community. That if you see these things said, recognize that you can change and become a positive voice in the military community.

You can encourage and empathize and truly help other military spouses who are struggling.

We are one military spouse community.

Want more on military life?

• Military Girlfriend to Military Wife: One Important Lesson You’ll Never Forget
• 25+ Self-Improvement Ideas to Do During a Deployment
• I’m Terrible at Being a Military Spouse
• The Real Reason Being a Military Wife is So Hard