MilSpouse LifeThere is rarely a week that passes where I don’t hear from a military girlfriend. She is seeking support, friendship and acceptance into the military community. Researching this post, I found much of the advice for military girlfriends discouraging.
She needs to know “her place.”
She is “just a girlfriend.”
She is “not entitled to anything.”
Related: Boot Camp Communication – What You Can Expect Phone Calls, Letters, Graduation Day, etc.
Geeze! It made me think back to my days as a military girlfriend and how small the military community made me feel at times. It hurt most at the time because my service member and I had been together for years. I wasn’t a fling. And I definitely wasn’t a floozy. I was a young professional with a career and my own money. In the civilian community, people wouldn’t dream of constantly reminding you of “your place.”.
Related: 13 Useful Gifts for a Deployed Service Member
Of course, there are a few military girlfriends who give the title a bad name. They lack character and morals. They take advantage of service members and make poor choices.
As a military community, we have so much encouragement and sound advice to offer the military girlfriend.
One day I hope I am lucky enough to sit down and have a cup of coffee with one of those military girlfriends, who email me each week genuinely seeking help.
And when I do. I will tell her this…
Having a life in addition to the one with your service member will help you remember who you are as a person. Military life tends to take over a bit from time to time, but remember your individuality. Remember what you love to do for fun. Doing this will help your survive long deployments and separations so much better.
Connect with others in your community through Facebook groups, blogs and community events. This could be military community members or civilians. Establishing friendships and good relationships with others will offer you the support you need to overcome the ups and downs of military life.
Related: Where to Find MilSO Groups Online for Support and Encouragement
Grow your relationship.
Learn beneficial ways to improve communication in your relationship. Be open and honest with each other. Learn to grow and establish trust with your significant other. Honesty and trust are the foundation for every strong military relationship.
Use this as a time to weigh the positives and negatives of this life. Take time to really consider what it looks like long term, consider the possibility of moves (and not just the exotic possibilities but the very real not ideal possibilities), deployments, training, absences… talk to other spouses your your boyfriend’s trade honestly about what it’s looked like for them. Make an informed decision now, because that’s what dating is about. It’s okay if it’s not what you’re willing to accept in life, it’s not going to be what everyone wants (nor should it be). But make that decision now.
Take an open mind to making friends within the military community. There’s so much to be gained through positive friendships with other military spouses! — Kim
Seek out the positive.
Try to see the good in every situation, even when it’s not easy. Keeping a positive attitude through everything makes a HUGE difference. I often think of the Danes, who are touted as the happiest people on the planet, and how they seem to find the positive in every situation imaginable. They are what many like to call realistic optimists. They don’t sugar coat challenging circumstances, but they often look at things through the perspective of others, realizing that things aren’t always as bad as they seem.
Discover ways to become more understanding and patient. The military will dictate many parts of your life and allowing yourself to remit control will prepare you for the unexpected.
Give the relationship at least a year before making plans for your future. Don’t rush it. Take your time to know whether this is the life that is right for both of you. The military introduces a unique set of challenges to every marriage–separations, frequent moves, and a demanding job just to name a few. Think rationally, logically and wisely about marrying into military life.
Embrace it as much as possible.
Embrace your time as a military girlfriend. This season of life will help you learn if military life is where you want to be. It isn’t for everyone, and that is okay.
Surround yourself with supportive and positive people who see military life in a good light. There will be challenges and day to day frustrations and at times it can be overwhelming, but with a group of people that truly support one another in a healthy empowering way it can be an incredible experience. — Judy
Being a military girlfriend feels hard sometimes. It’s normal to feel that way.
Hang in there.
Feel encouraged.
You are welcome here in this community.
Want more on military life?
- 43 Awesome Tips for the New Military Wife
- 31 Encouraging Quotes for the Military Spouse
- The Biggest Mistake a Military Spouse Can Make
- The Brutally Honest Guide to Dating a Military Man
- 42+ Top Missing Him Quotes to Send Your Long Distance Boyfriend
What’s your perspective on being a military girlfriend? Let’s chat in the comments!
Hey y’all,
I’m currently more of a “friend” to someone I dated in my freshman and Sophmore year in high school. He was a Junior when we met and just graduated high school this last year and he ended things very quickly March of 2019 because he wanted to focus on his current futures of being a Marine. I was very sad about that and haven’t really dated him ever since. We didn’t start talking until I found out he couldn’t reach the standards to become a Marine and was starting to find a more local construction job with his father. It really hasn’t been the same since and I’ve slowly started to catch feelings again. But, he is very focused on his job and needs in military life. He really didn’t want to be in a relationship when I mentioned it and he currently just left for basic training in the Navy and I don’t know how I feel. I’m not his girlfriend or anything but I still really love him. I never got to see him while he lived 40 minutes from my house and now he’s in Michigan. I just don’t know what to do and would really love some advice on what I should do, please. He goes straight to training from Boot Camp so I might not be able to see him for 8 months and I really need help. I miss him already and its only been 5 days.
Hey ladies, my name is Jasmine. I guess I could be considered a new navy girlfriend. My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 months in counting. I currently live in New York, while he is stationed at Virginia. I’m so young at the moment and have spent my entire life in New York. We have been thinking and discussing the possibility of me moving to Virginia to be with him. The thought of this makes me happy but totally frightens me. Moving means a whole new life, including college, work and friends/family. I’m just looking for encouragement and hoping that I’m not as crazy as I may seem.
Hi Maggie,
I dont Know how long this comment is but I would love to be part of the support group if there is any. I am a new Military girlfriend and we are continents apart I need all the support I can get right now.
So, I’m a brand new “military girlfriend”. I’m a widow. and breaking away from my late husband was a big deal for me. I’m also a professional. Finances are not an issue for me.
Then i met B, who at the time told me nothing about what he did for a living. In fact, at first, all he told me was he was a personal trainer and he taught martial arts. Great. The wonderful part about it was I had a lot of space and he wasn’t someone that required 100% attention from me… He also didn’t require me to “forget” my late husband.
Then it happened. He fell for me and the truth came out…. He’s in the military’s special forces. Boy that hit me hard. Then it made all the sense in the world why I got so much space. When he was around… it was 1000% attention… and he always asked what made me happy.
I wasn’t sure how i felt about this situation. I lost my husband before.. and it’s possible i could lose B one day. As soon as i confided in my friends… i got so much negativity. So naturally, i shied away from him—but when he messaged me.. i couldn’t ignore his messages.
Finally, he told me his feelings and told me if I find someone else, he would understand. Explaining this to friends made me feel like I’m 20 years old again dating the wrong man. “He’s in the military.. they all sleep around.” “You’re setting yourself up to be sad again in life” “Can’t you find someone close to you and live a normal life?” “You need someone to take care of you.”
but I AM living a normal life… and I’m financially independent!
And yet when I’m with B, it makes no difference.. I feel like I’m on cloud 9– he reminds me of my husband.. he doesn’t disrespect me or my body. He always tries to help me out. And he hasn’t once tried to use me financially. He’s disciplined. It also makes me feel special that I’m the first person he calls when he can.
I have no issues with this.. but seems like everyone else has issues.
Maybe everyone will calm down in a couple of years after he turns civilian…
thank you for your article.
Can I just say as a current navy girlfriend I never related more to your comment 🙂 I really neede to hear this, Thank you so much:)
Hi, my name is Stormie and I want to say thank you for this blog. I am a militry girlfriend and it has been an extremely difficult adjustment. My significant other and I have been together for almost 10 years now and last summer he decided to join the airforce. I thought I knew it was going to be hard but I had absolutely no clue about what was about to happen and how truly difficult it would be. We’ve been together for a long time and it’s like your article said I’m not just a fling but I can’t put into words how much the military has made me question my place. I can’t imagine my life without him but this life is extremely difficult. And I’m struggling even more so now that all of this covid-19 stuff has happen. I haven’t seen him since he graduated bootcamp and the bases are basically shut down because of all of this covid stuff so I have no idea when I’m going to be able to see him again. He’s been at tech school for five months he has another two to go and we aren’t sure if they’re going to have a graduation yet or not. He is then being sent straight to his base to start his job so I have no idea how long it will be before he is able to come home or if I’ll be able to visit because there’s no telling how long this covid-19 stuff is going to last. I have been feeling extremely insignificant through all of this, he’s always busy and then I come second to the military, I’m sure you all know how that is, it’s just harder because in the eyes of the military I don’t matter even though he and I have been together for 10 years. And we currently don’t have any immediate plans to get married. We’ve talked about it in the past and we plan on getting married one day but in the near future doesnt work for us because he’s starting his military career and I’m in nursing school with a year and a half left so we can’t really do anything until I graduate. Everything was going fine until this covid stuff happened and now we’re not sure when we’ll see each other again. Any advice on how to handle this would be greatly appreciated.
Hi, I have been a military girlfriend since 2013ish. I have not seen him since 2013. He proposed to me in 2016. So I guess that makes me a fiancé without a ring. I used to work with him before he went into active duty.
I am having a really hard time right now. We both have iPhones and I have been doing ok for the most part for the past few years, but recently my texts went from blue to green. He would turn his phone on and off after a while. So I took that as a sign that he is alive. I had to get a new phone as my old one was out of space. And now my texts all bounce back. I am on a new provider and I feel like that is the reason. Does my number have to get approved to text him? I am kind of freaking out and not sure what to do anymore. Last text went through on June 23rd.
Just, concerned girl over here. Not sure where to go, or what to do. I don’t know who to talk to. Last time we talked he said he might be home in September. No idea on anything else. Just kind of scared.
I always feel anxious that something bad is gonna happen to him while he is overseas. My boyfriend and I have only been dating for about 9 months but it feels like i have known him all my life. HE is my bestfriend, my shoulder to cry on, My inspiration to push forward while waiting for him to come home. I have to give him credit he does everything he can to make me feel close to him and make my day like randomly having flowers sent to my job or my home with a message from him or responding to my letters and we video call everyday for hours but it is stil hard to not be able to be back in his arms. We started dating during after his first year of deployment during his leave week when he came home. He is great and amazing but it is still so hard to be apart from him. Any advice on the seperation anxiety?
Hi
I don’t know where to start or how to explain, let just say I meet a military guy we just a date in a few week, we text everyday, he make me alive & happily & peaceful which he is give me calm, it’s strange we can feel connected & body language, because I’m hard of hearing so it’s take us slow how to learn communicate with me so he is amazing & understand my body language, this is my first time I cry I don’t know why because I won’t let anyone enter my heart since I meet him to come in my heart so I let him, so I was suppose to be never fall in love with him so quickly, is it weird quickly? I don’t want to feeling stupid myself, is that normal in love quickly?
Thank you 😊
Oh and also that’s I use to live to next door military base when I was little girl so is it that’s I feel connect or? I don’t understand myself at all so can anyone here aswer? Because I’m worry that’s I’m fall in love with him quickly because feeling connection to him that’s why, I don’t want him to think I’m look dumb
Many thanks
CAN ANYONE RELATE? —> I am dating a retired marine that will sometimes share a few stories of his time in combat, but very little and with small details. It is easy to tell that the things he had experienced were not pleasant, but it has made him into the amazing man he is today. Some nights we will watch historical military based movies and he enjoys them, gets giddy almost. But for me, since I have started dating him, I hate it. I used to be very interesting in history and loved those kinds of movies, but now I just want to shut my eyes and not listen to it, maybe because it reminds me of difficulties he went through. Even fictional movies or TV shows I get sweaty and anxious once a war scene comes on, and I can’t shut my brain off for hours afterwards because I am too busy thinking of what my boyfriend had gone through. I don’t know really why this started happening and I really want to know how I can make it stop because I know my boyfriend enjoys those movies and I want to enjoy them with him. Can anyone relate to this? I don’t know who else to ask about this.
I am going overseas (dod Civilan) and I recently got engaged before I got my orders. Is there anyway I can get my fiancé to move with me. Does anyone have any advice?