I sat at the kitchen table, looking across the room as he struggled with the button on his pants. Using both hands to firmly grasp the button and hole, he attempted several times to secure his pants around his waist. I wanted him to stop whining and saying that he “couldn’t do it.”
No luck.
It’s hard to sit back and watch your child struggle with a task, especially when it’s feels easier to swoop in and fix it. It starts with something as simple as a button or a toy that won’t work. Your child gets upset and frustrated. Then howls of whining start to pierce your ears.
And honestly, I’m a total wimp when it comes to this stuff. I’ll do anything to make the whining stop. But then…
“The fixing” spills over into all sorts of areas.
Cleaning his room. Easier for me to do it.
Brushing his teeth. Easier for me to do it.
Getting him dressed. Easier for me to do it.
Putting together the puzzle at the table. Easier for me to do it.
Buckling his seat belt. Easier for me to do it.
Putting his dishes in the sink. Easier for me to do it.
Can’t figure out an activity from school. Easier for me to do it.
Each day I have a knock-out battle in my head: Fix the problem or coach him through it. I have a few more decades of life experience and practice than him; so of course, it takes me far less time to fix a problem for my son than it does to listen to the whining and coach him through the problem.
But is it really easier in the long run?
Ultimately, when I “fixed” all the small problems for him throughout the day, I positively reinforced whining and the incessant need for help with every little thing.
Suddenly, things that he previously worked through on his own, like fixing a broken toy, now resulted in whining and crying until I came to rescue him and fix the toy.
Oye – It was time for a change.
How to stop whining.
Maybe you’ve read all the toddler parenting books and nothing seems to work. Maybe you’ve responded with “oh, yes you can” or “just give it a try” or “you can do it.” But your child continued to whine, give up or spiral into negative self-talk.
I made one simple change: Each time I saw him struggling with a problem, I described the situation.
I started the moment I saw him struggling with the buttons…
“You’re trying hard to button your pants, and you’re frustrated because it’s not easy for you.
You’ve got the button in your one hand and the button hole in the other. You’re trying hard to pull those two parts together.
You working to move the button through the hole but it keeps slipping, and you’re really trying now. It’s so close. You’ve almost got it.
You have half the button through the hole, and you pushed it a little bit more. Now you’ve got it. It’s all the way through.
Wow. You did it all by yourself.”
He looked up at me, cocked his head to the side and smiled. In that moment, he felt so proud of himself. He worked his way through a problem without a single urp of a whine.
One trick to raising a problem solver.
If your child is struggling to complete a task, appropriate for their age and development, simply describe what they are doing to work through the problem. Acknowledge their feelings and actions without doing anything more.
Kids live almost completely in the present moment. Through describing the situation, you dive straight into the present moment with your child and you connect.
I tried the same technique again.
I thought for sure it was a fluke that this technique worked earlier in the day. I decided to try it again that evening when he was struggling at dinner.
Reaching for soup ladle to fill my bowl I said, “You are having a hard time eating the soup. It’s messy and it keeps falling off your spoon before it reaches your mouth. It’s upsetting you, but you’re trying to carefully scoop it into your mouth.”
He looked up at me.
I waited for him to go strong-willed child and start whining.
I thought for sure he would ask me to feed him the soup or refuse to eat at all. I continued describing the situation.
“That time you spilled even less. You’re putting the spoon back into your bowl and scooping up more soup. You were so very careful that time to get it into your mouth without spilling. Wow. You did it all by yourself.”
I sat there waiting patiently. Then little-by-little, scoop-by-scoop, he continued until his bowl ran empty. All he needed was someone to take notice of his efforts and offer some encouraging phrases.
Then he looked at me, raised his bowl, and smiled. I smiled back and fell straight back into describing the situation.
“You liked eating the soup. You look like want more.”
He nodded. I grabbed the bowl. And in that moment, we connected.
When your child pouts, whines, and wants to give up, remember this: You have the power to encourage perseverance and problem solving. Describe the situation. Keep their focus in the moment. And for dear life, hang onto your patience.
Print this free listening checklist.
This post comes with a free printable checklist to help with listening. I always have the hardest time remembering these phrases. This printable simplifies it!
Here is a sneak preview…
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Want more on parenting?
- 3 Things Every Parent of a Strong-Willed Toddler Needs to Know
- 5 Steps to Stop Toddler Biting in Its Tracks
- 2 Year Sleep Regression Explained! Why It Happens and How to Fix It
- How to Put a Toddler to Sleep Fast
- 7 Powerful Ways to Deal With Toddler Whining
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Miriam
I think that is a great response to “giving up” – in principle. In my son (4), however, it creates exactly the opposite – he starts getting really upset and screaming “BUT I CANNOT DO IT”. when before he was saying that he cannot do it but otherwise pretty calm … not sure what to do about that.
Trish Siltala
I love this post, but I feel the problem with “I can’t!” I’m a Speech/language Pathologist in the schools and I have two older children of my own, so I have faced this maybe more often than most parents. (Also, I’m the oldest of 5, so I’ve been doing the parenting thing for nearly 60 years! I think you have to get past the “I can’t”. In my experience, the key to this is very precise modeling; first, take the expectation that the child will perform the task independently off the table, especially the first task you try to teach; just show them how you do the task for yourself, or on a doll (from behind, for perspective). Say, “I want to show you how I (task). I know trying it is frustrating for you. Watch me”. Then, perform the task slowly, describing which hand does what, and how. Repeat the demo, using the same words, several times – slowly, but speeding up gradually, over some days. After a few days of this (Also talking it through when you do it for them,) you can ask if they are ready to try it themselves. Besides the obvious benefit, kids get tired of watching the constant demos of what they quickly realize is an easy task, and you might find them practicing it when they think no one is watching! If they still can’t do it after a few weeks, check developmental norms; they may actually be a bit young for that particular task. Try again in a few weeks. Also something to consider, some kids just have very emotional responses to frustration. What you perceive as a demand for help may just be the child’s way of expressing “this is taking more effort than I expected, and l am determined to do it!” Try asking, do you want to do it yourself, or do you want me to show you how (again)? (The answer may surprise you!)
Diane Monsen
Thanks for your ideas Trish. I think I have done what you talk about here without really being conscious of what I was doing. Your articulation of the process here is helpful to me.
Lauren Tamm
Agree with you, Diane. Thanks for taking the time to share such a detailed comment with everyone Trish.
Lauren Tamm
This is great feedback. Thank you!
LeeAnn
We struggle with this a lot with our 5yo son. I’m excited to give this a try, but so many times he’s collapsed in a pile of despair before he even starts a task. He’s too tired, or it’s too hard, or he just CAN’T. *sigh* Empathy and encouraging him to take it one step at a time have minimal success, so maybe I need to shake it up and step back, make it even more simple. Can’t hurt!
Lauren Tamm
I’d love to hear how it goes for you!
Susan Carraretto
What a fantastic idea. Even for older kids this might work.
Lauren Tamm
Agree. This works great for all ages. Can’t go wrong with empathy and validation.
Sarah J
WOW! I was hesitant to go the extra step and click on your post to learn more about your technique. I have a 14 year old son and an eleven year old daughter. My son entered the world of high school last September, and is struggling with anxiety and negative self talk in a profound way. . I am a registered nurse and have spent all of my 20 year career in the pediatric setting with a concentration in the mental health of adolescents. I am well versed in this area. Your post regarding the real emotional struggle your child feels when navigating through a new skill was exceptional. My hat is off to you this morning. The technique and strategies you provided are spot on and can be adapted and utilized for a child at any age regardless of the problem they are facing. I believe I can fine tune your present moment intervention making it age and issue specific and help my son. Thank you Lauren! You are a forward thinker! I am impressed!
Jessica
Thank you for this!!! Not only am I a military wife, but I am also a 3rd grade teacher. I work with a lot of struggling students, even a few with signigicant behaviors that hinder their learning, and many of them give up quite easily. I have been trying to go this route with them in the classroom. It makes a WORLD of difference! Thank you for going into the importance behind this! ?
Lauren Tamm
You are so welcome! Thank you for taking the time to share a bit about your success with this!
Belinda Wolmarans
I really like this. Not only am I a mother but I am also a Supervisor of the Children’s Ministry at our Church. I believe this will help with Camps. I have recently done something similar with my son. When he whines about not being able to do things, I encourage him to watch how I do it and then tell him to copy me…this seems to be working for me and when we done he runs to his dad to either show him or tell him that he did it this time. its really awesome. Thank you for your encouragement.
Elizabeth
This is such great advice. I always knew it to be ‘active listening’, but whatever it’s called, it works!!
Thanks so much for sharing such important information.
Blessings,
Elizabeth
Becky
I cannot thank you enough for this article on whining. I used this technique last night to fix a situation that did not involve whining. My 7yr old, who has been diagnosed with high functioning autism, had broken a candle holder last night & totally flipped out. Being a mom is a learning experience & I knew I could go in yelling (because I was already in a foul mood) or calm. I chose calm (big win for me) & I talked her through the situation. She was screaming like she was being murdered. Her dad was yelling for her to stop screaming. I came in, told her not to scream, it will be ok. I told him to stop yelling (he was making a bad situation worse). He picked her up & moved her away from the glass. I had her sit down, take a few breaths & say “I am safe. I am ok.” Then I used this technique to talk her down to a calmer state. I repeated that I know she is scared. I know she felt panicked. I know that she is safe now. As I talked her through it she began to talk with me. She would repeat what I said & with each sentence she became more calm until she was able to say “everyone is ok.” She continued to talk about the incident for almost 45min. A voice in my head (that grumpy gal)was thinking “why are we still talking about this?! But because I chose to use this technique not only was my daughter calm enough and comfortable enough to talk about her feelings, I was open to her to make that connection & let her speak how she felt. I am an impatient mom, like many. I find it hard most days to chose calm or I chose it after it’s too late. This article reminded me that yes, they are little! To them we are sky high & capable of anything. We are scary sometimes. And most importantly, we need to be open to making a connection. Again, thank you. I plan to incorporate this technique for anything I can. Not just whining.
gila
Great idea. How would you use this get an 11-year-old kid to clean his room?
Karen
How bout whining because they just don’t wana do a chore?!
Lauren Tamm
Hey Karen! Great to hear from you. Kids have a lot of reasons for not wanting to do things. It might be that they don’t want to stop playing or that chores feel more like jobs than playtime. If you’re able to get to the bottom of what’s great about your child’s play or what makes it so fun, you can say, “Wow. I can see why you wouldn’t want to stop playing that! That is so fun for you AND it’s time to {insert whatever the chore is}. Must be some way we can make that fun!” Kids love games. If you’re able to turn the chores into fun and silly games, it can be enough to help your child shift. Instead of calling it a chore, it might be “a folding towel race” or it might be “the vacuum dance.”