Raising Kids
Toddler tantrums are a part of every child’s life. Why? Because the logical part (aka the frontal cortex) of a human’s brain doesn’t fully develop until age 25.
Yep.
Age 25.
Woah, right? It makes total sense that toddler tantrums occur over completely illogical things and ideas. That part of their brain doesn’t actually work yet! No wonder yelling at kids doesn’t actually help cut down on tantrums.
My toddler gets upset (raging mad) when I won’t let him eat a cookie before dinner. He gets super angry with me when I won’t allow him to pretend drive the car in the parking lot before we leave the house.
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This has been going on for a year and a half. The kid adores cars and trucks and he desperately wants to drive a car.
He’s two.
He thinks he’s thirty.
While I can’t seem to get rid of his undying urge to drive a car or eat cookies immediately before supper, I have found ways to quell the emotional extremes–the fall on the floor tantrums. We’ve helped tame temper tantrums and minimize toddler tantrums to more of a protest rather than a full-blown meltdown (mostly).
Diversion is not the focus of these methods.
In some situations, diversion is an amazing and perfect parenting strategy. But during a tantrum, the strategies listed below yield better results.
Here’s why…
Imagine, for example, you are in the midst of a good ugly cry (been there!). You call your mom or best friend, sobbing about how Target’s Dollar Spot totally robbed you–again.
How would you feel if your best friend put a shiny piece of jewelry or a brownie in front of you and then changed the subject to what she was doing that weekend?
She winks, reminds you to eat your brownie and says, “Let’s talk about something else now, shall we?”
To be honest, this might make you feel better for a brief moment, but it doesn’t really help you process and manage your anguish over Target’s Dollar Spot.
How to deal with toddler tantrums.
Let’s talk 7 real strategies for toddler tantrums that don’t involve sleeping and eating. Parents and caregivers are smart. If you are reading this post, I know you’ve already thought of that.
1. Calm down jar.
The goal of these mesmerizing glittery bottles is to help your child pause for a moment. To allow the emotional part of the brain, which is fiercely raging, to take a break for a few minutes. Once your child is calm, help him or her process and manage the emotion using #7 below.
- Related: How to Make a Lego Calm Down Jar
2. Hug it out.
When emotions are disorganized, a strong hug with your arms wrapped snugly around the trunk and shoulders provides powerful sensory input. The use of physical touch helps ground your child, restoring feelings of calm and control.
3. Humor.
Laughter encourages the intake of oxygen-rich air and increases the endorphins that are released by your brain. Laughter also revs up and then slows down your body’s stress response, resulting in a happy, relaxed state of mind.
Here is one silly example:
Your child wants a cookie and you say “no.” When your child starts to meltdown, say “I want to eat one thousand cookies. This is how I would eat them all at once!” Then pretend to gobble up one thousand cookies. Once they are gone look everywhere around your toddler saying, “I want more cookies!”
4. Set the stage. Create expectations.
Toddlers are far more cooperative with they know what to expect ahead of time. This is why consistent routines work wonders with toddlers. To set expectations give your toddler a 10 minute warning and then a 5 minute warning before a transition.
Here’s an example:
In 10 minutes we are going to sit at the table and eat supper.
In 5 minutes we are going to sit at the table and eat supper.
It’s time to sit at the table and eat supper.
5. Give a drink of water.
Giving a drink is an alternative to the calm down jar. This helps your child pause and focus on the drink for a moment. The goal isn’t to distract and divert, but rather to pause. After your child is able to calm down, help your child process and manage the emotion by giving #7 a try.
6. Take a deep breath.
Before you ask you child to take a deep breath, simply start taking big deep breathes yourself. Similar to yawning, deep breathing is contagious. It has a way of washing a calm over the top of your head and down your entire body. If you child doesn’t start deep breathing or start to calm down by watching you, then say, “Let’s take a deep breath.”
7. Reflect the emotion back.
My favorite parenting hack of all time is empathy because it works! It’s an excellent way to get better toddler behavior.
More than anything, toddlers want to feel heard. To feel validated. To feel like their emotions matter.
Here’s an easy way to use empathy in any situation:
Say to your child “I understand. You’re feeling ________ because of _________.” Once your child feels understood, it empowers them to calm down. It’s sends a message to your toddler’s brain, letting him know “Oh, my mom (or dad) gets it. They understand me and what I am going through.”
The real deal with toddler tantrums.
I could go on for days about the car drama I experience daily with my toddler. Just today he collapsed onto the asphalt of the parking lot over not driving.
He wanted to pretend drive the car. He didn’t care that his baby sister was crying and hungry. He didn’t care that it was raining. He didn’t care that we were running late and didn’t have time.
It was time for an toddler tantrum hack.
I said, “I understand. You’re feeling mad because I won’t let you drive the car. I understand. You want to drive the car.”
This did not stop the meltdown entirely. BUT it diffused the meltdown enough that I could at least get him into the car seat with some cooperation. Target Dollar Spot…here we come.
Print this free toddler listening checklist.
This post comes with a free printable checklist to help with toddler listening. I always have the hardest time remembering these phrases. This printable simplifies it!
Here is a sneak preview…
Download Your Free Printable
- Download the checklist. You’ll get the printable, plus join 37,000+ parents who receive my weekly parenting tips and ideas!
- Print. Any paper will do the trick, but card stock
would be ideal. - Place it on your refrigerator. Check things off as you go and don’t forget a thing!
would be ideal.
Want more on toddlers?
- 7 Parenting Hacks for an Easier Bedtime with Kids
- How to Calm a 1 Year Old Tantrum Down in Minutes
- One Thing You Can Give Your Toddler to Get Better Behavior
- 9 Phrases that Change Life with a Toddler
- How to Tame Your Child’s Temper Tantrum With Two Simple Words
I've created a free email series just for you! If you are struggling with teaching your child to listen, this series will help transform your parenting. Yes, really. I've seen my proven strategies work time and time again for parents. I know it can work for you too.
After taking my free email series, you will:
- Learn simple, yet highly effective listening strategies
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- Enjoy more peaceful parenting days
- Gain more cooperation from your child
Tantrums is really stressful and depressing. Nice informative blog u have here.
Hi Lauren, very helpful article. Me personally when my kid is emotional about something I try to do something funny to distract him from emotional moment.
SeekAndRead | Happy Family Lifestyle
Can you help me understand the call down jar? What exactly do you do with the jar? Do you fill it with marbles or coins? Maybe write and put some ideas & tips of what to do when you’re needing to calm down?
I also had the same issue with my toddler wanting to ‘drive the car’. One day he was in the drivers seat (and obviously hit buttons / lights). Two hours later at the end of our shopping trip we came back to find a flat battery. We had to sit on a bench for an hour and wait for someone to coming and ‘fix’ the car. Since then anytime he tries to get in (which is rare now!), I remind him of the how the last time he did that the car broke and he looks really concerned and stays in the back :))
My 3-year-old daughter has always had and still has tantrum episodes every single day. It’s humiliating. Bedtime is so stressful EVERY DAY! And this is not the only time she is out of control. I have tried it all; routine, stories, positive reinforcement, games, etc., still, nothing works. We can’t figure it out…we would appreciate your input… I’m all ears!!! Thanks!!!
My baby is already 6 years old, but I can remember tantrum horror like it was yesterday. I had some advice from my mother; my favorite was time-outs… sparingly. Depending on the child, using a time-out occasionally, beginning at about the age of 18 months especially intense and other techniques aren’t working. Placing your child in a quiet, or –better yet– boring spot for a brief period (about one minute per year of his age) can be a good lesson in self-soothing. Also, there are lessons online on how to talk with your toddler correctly. Most of them are rubbish, but few are gold. I found this one https://bit.ly/2BM1ZBL helpful.
What ever happen.. Please take care of your children.
I really appreciate that you added a book that helps parents deal with their own stuff on your reading list. We often forget how important it is to take care of ourselves and not just focus on everything the kids need. Thanks for the helpful tips. I’ll let you know how it works with my 2.5yr old twins! Thankfully there is always the Dollar Spot!
Omg, your child is so cute, well I agree tho at some point that children tend to lose focus and I always prepare them a drink whenever we go to park. It’s so hard to control children emotion when they got hungry or thirsty.
Thank You For Sharing👍🏼♥️G-d♥️Bless