MilSpouse Life
Lately I’ve been talking a lot about making new friends because we just moved half way around the world, and starting over in the friend department is no small task. There are tons of amazing ways to meet new people and make new friends after moving.
But what about your old friends?
There are a handful of best friends that I consider lifelong relationships. After moving far away (especially halfway around the world) maintaining old friendships does take a bit of work.
I often struggle with remembering that these relationships need work and investment. When I am far away from dear friends, it’s even more important to me to make time for these special group of ladies.
Here are a few ways I work to grow and strengthen my long distance friendships:
1. Use your technology wisely
Everyone writes the same tip…Skype or video chat with friends and family far away.
True.
You should.
But I also think you can take it a step further. We schedule actual dates to Skype or video chat. Sometimes we use Google hangouts because you can chat with multiple people at the same time for FREE. Other times, we simply use Skype.
Scheduling regular dates to video chat with each other forces you both to be intentional with making time.
Weekly chats with the parents and bi-weekly or monthly chats with friends make all the difference in growing a long distance friendship. You always have something to look forward to, and you stay connected. It’s all too easy to become more and more distant as time goes on. Regular chats matter.
2. Make special occasions a priority
2. Make special occasions a priorityI’m the first to admit, I’m not the greatest when it comes to sending cards and packages for birthdays, holidays, and other special occasions. Now that we are far away, I’m reconsidering that. Sending something special to a close friend helps you feel connected. It also offers something tangible to touch or hang onto when you cannot be in physical proximity to each other.
I love getting packages. They make me smile and feel happy. I can only imagine that others feel the same way. I’m working on being better about this.
I think we can all take it another step further and Skype or video chat for special occasions. When I talked about building community far from home, I mentioned this is yet another awesome way to feel connected. We often schedule a video chat for Christmas, birthdays, and many other special days.
Take it one more step and actually open cards or gifts you sent over video chat. I love doing this. We get to share a moment together, you know? Seriously though, it really does help grow and strengthen friendships immensely.
3. Ask for visitors
In military life, we are often the ones moving away from our friends, unless they too are military. I like to ask people to visit me, and I like to ask them often. It can take a person up to 10 times to change their mind about an idea.
So for example, if a friend isn’t totally game for visiting you for various reasons—kids, work, money, etc—it could take several times asking and encouraging her to visit before she would actually pull the trigger.
It’s not always easy to take the position of a nagging friend. I try to mention it casually to avoid coming across as too strong.
I do think asking for visitors is important though. Having friends visit you allows them to see what your life is all about, which helps grow and strengthen your friendship. It also allows you to spend time in physical proximity together. So important.
4. The work may fall upon you.
In a perfect world, friendships would always be 50/50. In military life, this is not always the case. I often find that sometimes, I need to put forth the extra effort to make my long distance friendships work. It is simply the way it is.
It’s important to me to stay close with far away friends. Sometimes that means I have to make a greater effort to send packages, emails, set video chat dates, and ask for visitors. When you are the far away person, it’s easy for a friend to carry on with everyday life. Out of sight, out of mind, right? I get that.
It would be so easy for me to sit here halfway around the world and feel sorry for myself. Sorry that my far away friends don’t pay enough attention to me. I’m not saying I’ve never thrown myself a pity party from time to time, but as a general rule, I try to veer in the other direction.
Instead, I accept that sometimes I may need to make the extra effort. I’m willing to put in the extra effort because all lifelong friendships take work, but they are all important. It really is so worth it in the long run!
What are your best ways for keeping your long distance friendships close?
I’m sure there are many more great ideas out there! Please share in the comments so we all can learn!
We do these too, especially since most of our friends are in USA and we are in Croatia. It’s important to keep those friendships going, because you never know when you might come back and finding out your friends moved on can be a bitter experience.
I agree. Knowing that you lost a friendship because you didn’t invest the time can be hard, bitter experience. Working hard on friendships worth keeping is one of the best things I’ve ever done.
Great tips! Some of my friends and family are only 3-4 hours away, but we still have a hard time remaining connected. Lately, I’ve been making a point of being more intentional about emailing or messaging them, instead of just liking or commenting on a post/picture on FB/social media. It’s obviously not as good as a face-to-face connection, but we are still able to open up a lot more in a personal email, and share many more details about what we’ve been up to lately. I definitely plan to share this!
Thanks for sharing this Sarah! You are too kind 🙂 It is so hard to stay connected, and I find that it is incredibly easy to drift apart without even realizing it. Emails or messages aren’t the same as face-to-face, but I do think it is a really positive way to stay connected when you cannot be together. Thanks for stopping by! It’s always great to have you here!
Lauren
These are great ideas. We have lived in other areas of the country and still have a handful of friends we keep up with. It’s hard to maintain a really close relationship, but I feel like we could catch up pretty quickly if we could get together. Lifetime friendships are very special!
Okay Lauren, it’s been hard for me to leave comments on your blog, only because I’m not a mom, nor a military person…but I do have family in the military–well, did.
This article got me a bit emotional, because it reminded me of Uncle Bob.
Tips #3 & #4 are huge…and may i add, “Make Personal Visits Memorable, So They WANT To Come Back.” Yes, i know that should probably be a given, but let me explain.
Uncle Bob is my favorite relative. The last time I’d seen him was when I was 8 years old (I’m 45 now). He’s my mother’s only brother and I used to refer to him as my real life G.I.Joe hero. He was career military and served 2 tours in Nam. When he came home, he was one that got spit on and that included his own mother.
So he left for Germany and never came back.
My mother wrote him faithfully all those years, sending photos of our growing family and pleading for him to come visit. Never happened…
Until November 2000.
Mom never told us, but when our huge family got together for Thanksgiving, my handful of children (6 at the time I think) all got to know one of my heroes.
You can’t not love Bob. No one can resist. He laughed and cried, sang and played the guitar that night. The kids absolutely adored him…and I hugged him goodbye when we went home.
On Christmas Eve, just a few weeks later, in the middle of a snowstorm in West Jordan Utah, there was a pounding on the door…close to midnight. We had the whole family sleeping over, so me being the oldest, went to the door in my robe.
It was Uncle Bob, crying.
“Can I stay?” he asked in a cracking voice.
“What?” I was completely confused but happy to see him–so I pulled him inside and closed the door.
He just stood there, staring at me, his eyes occasionally darting to the tiny bodies littering the floor in blankets and sleeping bags. By this time, my mom was coming down the stairs in her famous blue robe.
“I had no idea anyone wanted me,” he whispered through tears, smiling at my mom. “Then I took the plunge and decided to chance coming over after all the years your mom’s invited me, and…well.” He threw his arms around my mother and hugged her tightly, “I got back to Germany and realized I’d wasted my entire life away from my family and I want that back.”
He never left.
We buried my mom together 4 years later. A car accident that made national news.
We drove to California and retrieved my grandparents in 2005 and he bought a house in West Jordan to take care of them until they died. Grandma died two years later and we buried Grandpa (94 yrs old and a WWII bomber pilot) last year.
During that time Bob got married to aunt Lucy and she adores him.
He says it all flipped around for him when he finally took my mom up on her invitation.
…just wanted to share.
Gonna go now.
I ran out of tissue.
Thank you, Lauren, for sharing. You brilliant girl.
– Jaime
Wow Jaime, Thanks for sharing this amazing story! I know my blog isn’t your exact niche, so I totally understand about the blog comments. No worries, friend. I couldn’t imagine how horrible it would be to return from war and be hated like that. Couldn’t imagine. It was so brave of him to come back knocking on your door. It is important to offer invitations and to offer multiple times. People seem to need convincing for some reason. I don’t know why, but they do. Thanks again for sharing this brilliant story. You are always too kind and thoughtful towards me. Thanks for stopping by.
Lauren
Couldn’t agree more. My father was military. I’m late 30’s and have friends from when I was FOUR years old. Back in those days we wrote *gasp* letters! 😉 The friendships that matter will endure. Great post!
Ha, gotta love letters. My mother in law is fabulous at writting letters and she does it often. One of my favorite things is heading to the post office and getting a special piece of mail. Thanks for stopping by Heather. It’s always great to have you here!
Lauren
Love it! I am neglectful of my friendships from past posts, but I often find that there are friends that you can go moneth and months without talking to but then pick up like you never left, the ones who don’t expect constant communication but instead do with being there when it’s needed, those are the best. 🙂
Hey Kim,
It’s always so great to see you here. I struggle to keep far away friends, but it’s something I find myself working on more and more now that we are in Japan. I adore friends who can pick up right where we left off. I have several friends like that, and they are definitely my life long friends.
I have found that the truest friendship really do last! I have a great friend, my first Navy wife friend, that I haven’t seen in 7-8 years. We don’t talk often (outside of FB), but when we do, it’s like no time at all has past!
I couldn’t agree with you more, Jodi. My true friends are my friends for life. I tried listening to your vlog yesterday, but for some reason my computer was acting up. I will head back over later today and see if I can get it to work. I love, love, love vlogs, so I’m really excited that you are doing one! Thanks for stopping by. It’s always great to have you here.
Lauren