Raising KidsBoundaries in parenting is a huge challenge point.
Even as a Language of Listening® parent coach and someone who has worked with parents and families for many years, some boundaries are especially hard for me.
Case in point, some nights – like last night – my kids refused to eat dinner. They didn’t like it. And my supposed boundary was “This is all there is. You will go hungry.”
(insert dragon mom voice)
And then later, I back track before bed and offer them a healthy snack.
Why did I go back on my word?
7 Language of Listening® foundations for boundaries in parenting that will help you realign your limits.
Well, like most parents, it’s probably because…
- I love my kids so much that I don’t like to see them struggle.
- I like to fix things.
- And in the end, I know if I offer them a healthy snack they are coming out where I want them nutritionally (more on how this ties into my TRUE parenting boundaries at the end).
As we go through the below foundations, think about what boundaries you will keep and which you will change.
1. Boundaries defined part 1 – What you like and what you don’t like.
At their core, boundaries are simply what you like and what you don’t like. These are your preferences for how to set limits with your children.
This is why anytime I notice a checklist online of age-appropriate boundaries, I’m likely going to ignore it or tear it up. Because those are someone else’s preferences. They are not your true preferences for raising up your children.
Put another way, boundaries are also what you are okay with and what you’re not okay with.
When faced with any parenting situation or challenge, pause and ask yourself this question:
“Am I okay with this? Or am I not okay with this?”
Take a moment to really listen to yourself. This will immediately help you understand your core boundary in any situation.
2. Boundaries defined part 2 – Doors versus walls.
When thinking about boundaries in parenting, a metaphorical visualization can help us honor our true preferences.
The most common visualization I use is this:
Think of boundaries as a brick wall that your child cannot pass through. It is not a door or a window that opens from time to time.
If you think about your current boundaries, do they appear as a brick wall or as a door that opens sometimes?
For example, if your child was about to run into a busy street, your boundary would be to prevent them from doing so. You may try a variety of strategies depending on the amount of time and distance before your child reached the road, but nonetheless, you’d stop them – always.
This is a brick wall. You know it’s a boundary because you will always prevent them from crossing your boundary. There is never a time when you’d allow the door to open.
If you’re noticing that many of your boundaries are doors, then it’s very likely, they are not true boundaries for you.
3. It’s up to us as parents to hold our own boundaries.
This is by far one of the hardest pills to swallow for me as a parent. The voice in my head usually sounds something like this…
“The kids know they are supposed to stay in bed. Ugh. Why won’t they stay in bed? Why don’t they respect my boundaries?”
This is the difficult truth:
It is up to us as parents to respect ourselves enough to hold our own boundaries.
So that means, if my boundary is for my child to stay in bed for the night, it is up to me to ensure that happens even if I have to physically intervene (peacefully) and lay down or sit next to my child temporarily.
Getting your child to stay in bed is part of a much bigger challenge that parents face. For more details on how to help your child find success while holding your boundary, check out these posts:
- How to put a toddler to sleep fast (#6 success training)
- Kids fighting bedtime? A toddler bedtime routine that works
- When kids keep getting out of bed, remember this…
You can also checkout my Goodnight Bedtime Battles Workshop. While this is not Language of Listening based, it is a step-by-step approach to help you create peaceful bedtimes with kids.
4. Kids won’t hold our boundaries for us.
Kids will learn to adapt to our boundaries, but they won’t hold them for us. This was a very hard realization for me.
For example, if it’s time to leave the house in the morning, I may say to my child, “Looks like your feet need shoes and it’s time to leave the house.”
And my child may dawdle around and not do anything that resembles putting shoes on their feet.
I may look to my child and say something like, “Hmmm…still no shoes on your feet. Must be some way you can get your shoes on.” And together I will help my child problem-solve and find a way to put their shoes on.
But unfortunately, if my child is not able to get this done and my boundary is they must wear shoes to leave the house, I’m going to grab the shoes myself and say, “Looks like you need some help putting your shoes on. I’m going to put your shoes on now.”
5. It’s 100% okay for kids not to like our boundaries.
I may put the shoes on and my child may kick and scream and cry about it. This is allowed. Kids may have a lot of negative emotions about our parenting boundaries. They don’t have to be calm, nor accepting of the limits I set in place.
This is very hard as a parent…to have a child resist the specific way you want things.
It is also very hard for the child…to go along with an adults preferences for the majority of the day.
I may even empathize with my child’s struggle to adapt to a boundary and say something like, “This is hard for you. You don’t want to wear shoes right now.”
- One Big Myth About Stopping Toddler Tantrums – Experts Fail to Mention
- How to Calm 1 Year Old Tantrums Down in Minutes
6. Watch for this – It’s a sign your kids are adapting to your parenting boundary.
When kids resist your boundary, watch for any signs that they are moving from anger to sadness to complaining to calm.
Anytime a child makes even the slightest movement along that spectrum, it’s a clear sign your child is working very hard to adapt to the boundary.
So if your child is only complaining that they have to wear shoes AND the shoes are still on, this is actually amazing news!
This means the child is working to adapt to having the shoes on even though they don’t agree with you. Long term, kids continue to adapt and are able to complete the task calmly even when they don’t like it (Huge life skill right there!)
As difficult as it is, parenting is much more a long-term game than instant behavior changes.
7. Yes, you can change your boundary AND keep your parenting authority.
We are all human. We all change our minds from time to time. And it doesn’t really benefit anyone if you keep a boundary (and put all that effort into holding it) when it’s no longer a boundary for you.
For example, your boundary may be “no food in the living room, only the kitchen.” Your child takes food into the living room, sits on the couch and starts eating. After consideration, you realize your child is mature enough to handle eating in the living room. You are now okay with this.
In this situation, it’s important to use Permission Giving. This is where we give our child permission out loud rather than silently standing by as the child crosses a previously established boundary.
Permission Giving would sound something like this:
“I noticed you have a yogurt in the living room. I’m okay with this. You’ve shown me that you’re careful and that you can handle this.”
Saying “I’m okay with this” keeps you in the authority role and establishes your new boundary all in one.
Getting to the core of your real boundaries.
Have you thought about which boundaries you will keep and which boundaries you will change?
Each time I review these foundations, it helps me realign my parenting boundaries. In the example earlier, my kids didn’t want to eat dinner.
And what I realized is that my REAL boundary is that they are nutritionally complete over the course of a week. My boundary is not that they eat this meal right now at this exact moment or else!
Now, I simply say, “It’s dinner time and this is what’s available to eat. If you’re hungry at bedtime, you can have fruits or vegetables.”
This is aligned with my REAL boundary, and it’s something I can feel good about.
Hello! I have been following you for what seems like years, and I listen to your Raising Little Listeners course over and over again. This year I am the Adult Education Chair for our son’s parent participation preschool. We are a 77 year old school run by parent volunteers with three dedicated credentialed teachers for our classrooms.
The other day, I asked my daughter if she’d like to watch a movie with me. She’s 17 and finding time with her is getting harder, but I always ask because I want her to feel invited and included. She turned me down and said no. At first, I felt a little bummed, but then I felt super proud as she proceeded to tell me that she needed some alone time. She said she was feeling tired and drained and knew she needed some space in her room to just be by herself before she exploded. Those were my words!!! I’ve said those same things so many times, always hoping that I was modeling something good – something she would feel able to copy one day when life got nuts for her. Then there it was! And she felt comfortable setting that boundary with me! Even though it was a little tough, I was super proud and happy and assured for her and her future. Teaching our daughters to rest, to take the time they need, to speak their boundaries… it’s so crucial to their mental health and well being down the road!