I’m not going to sugar coat this for you. I struggled horribly with my 2-year-old not listening. As a mom who researches things like how to make kids listen and how to be a positive parent to a strong willed child, the twos about did me in.
Yes, really. (That’s why I started researching why parents yell…)
But here’s the real shocker…
I spent eight years working as a critical care nurse, where my career was built around surviving high intensity situations.
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I used to code patients, do CPR, push drugs, shock people, and simultaneously run multiple medications and machines while never breaking one bead of sweat.
Then I had a 2-year-old not listening.
And I learned something profound. Parenting a strong willed toddler was far harder than my hardest day in the ICU.
The twos are hard for a reason.
Just to be clear, a two-year-old not listening is not because a two-year-old is terrible. Teaching a two-year-old to listen is hard because children are experiencing the greatest brain development of their life.
Simply put, from age birth to three, your child’s brain produces 700 new neural connections every second.
I’ll let that digest for a moment. Because when I first read that I about sprayed coffee all over my laptop.
With 700 new neural connections every second, is it really a wonder why teaching toddlers to listen is such a common struggle among parents?
There is something to help.
I used to get in all these non-sensical arguments with my 2-year old, and it would go something like this…
Him: I want toast.
Me: Sure buddy (gives toast)
Him: I don’t want toast (falls to the floor)
Me: What? Why? What’s wrong with the toast?
And right there is where I had it all wrong.
I was asking logical questions with the mindset that my 2-year-old’s thoughts were logical, when in fact, they were not.
When you have a 2-year-old not listening, a large part (like 90 percent) is because their behavior is driven by the emotional brain, not the logical brain.
Which means, your 2-year-old is having illogical and impulsive thoughts driven by emotion–all day long.
This is normal and expected because–woah–700 new neurons a second.
Here’s a simple solution.
Instead asking questions, meet your child exactly where they are in that moment. Girl scout’s honor. For real. Skip the questions. Toddlers don’t understand WHY they feel the way they do. They just feel it, and they gotta get it all out there.
This is why when you ask 2-year-olds “What’s wrong?” or “Why did you do that?” or “Why are you crying?”, they respond with crying, silence, repeating what they just told you, yelling or some other random response.
Your 2-year-old does not know the answer because his actions are based on emotional impulses, not logic.
He doesn’t know why he doesn’t want toast anymore.
He doesn’t know what’s wrong about the toast.
All he knows is that there is an overwhelming impulse inside of his brain telling him to, “Say no to toast!”
Instead…acknowledge.
No matter how illogical or impulsive your child is acting, acknowledge what they are thinking, doing and feeling.
Stay calm. Embrace it. Meet your child right there at the emotion.
“Ahhh…You don’t want the toast. I see.”
Then, wait. This is referred to by teachers as “wait time.” Or as I like to call it “the great parenting pause.”
This is where you pause for a good 3-7 seconds (or much longer) while your child has a chance to process.
Related: 7 Things That Will Change How You Try to Stop a Temper Tantrum
This is where the magic happens.
I quit fighting with him about the toast, and instead, I put my energy to good use and drank some coffee.
(I also started using these printable routine cards and they helped a TON with cooperation.)
Each time he said something, I acknowledged what he was thinking and calmly let him know about my boundary.
“You really don’t want that toast. I see. You can have the toast for breakfast or you can eat later at snack time.”
Then I paused and took a sip of coffee (Okay…several large gulps).
Low and behold….
Exactly 7 minutes later, he came back and decided he was ready to eat the toast.
It was a toast and a toddler listening miracle!
Not only did I save myself a 7-minute dogfight over toast, he ate the toast.
If you are struggling with a 2-year-old not listening, remember this: When 700 new neurons are growing each second, do not hesitate to avoid questions and embrace acknowledgement. Because all your child wants is for you to know that he doesn’t want toast in that moment. Who knew.
Print this free toddler listening checklist.
This post comes with a free printable checklist to help with toddler listening. I always have the hardest time remembering these phrases. This printable simplifies it!
Here is a sneak preview…
Download Your Free Printable
- Download the checklist. You’ll get the printable, plus join 37,000+ parents who receive my weekly parenting tips and ideas!
- Print. Any paper will do the trick, but card stock would be ideal.
- Place it on your refrigerator. Check things off as you go and don’t forget a thing!
Want more posts on parenting?
- How to Handle Back Talk and Disrespect Like a Parenting Warrior
- 3-Year-Old Not Listening? Use This Simple Strategy
- Dear Moms of Wild Toddlers
- The Real Reason Why Kids Never Want to Sleep
- 2 Year-Old Sleep Schedule That Helps Everyone Get More Sleep
- 10 Empowering Ways to Improve Toddler Listening
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Jillian Mitsis
Unfortunately for me this IS my parenting method .. well was . Before been having children I knew that they don’t and could not process things logically and everything is emotional . Fast forward and when my 2yo goes to the ground about food or toys I let him and I say “I understand how you feel, it’s no big deal .” THIS isn’t even NOT listening to me … he’s pissed , I let him be pissed … I’m a pregnant hormonal almost 30 women and I get mad and sad for no reason so I haveA LOT of empathy. MY PROBLEM is actually not listening … don’t run in the street , don’t go under the sink .. get off the dinning room table … now after 2 years of gentle parenting I’m yellingand takingntime outs to a new level … I’ve “spanked” (hardly call it a spank in comparison to what I used to get) 2x for the need to teach him a lesion he needed to know immediately… so what about when they don’t listen and are putting themselves in danger and gentle parenting is NOT working ! I can’t eben take him tot he park because he runs straight for the street or the canal on the side or the bathrooms around the corner … no matter how many times we leave abruptly, time outs , talks ‘e crying because I’ve gotnsvared he still does things like this …
Bee
Thank you so much for this, I felt lost today on my parenting adventure and found this just at the right moment (crying whilst toddler was napping, as I felt a terrible Mum…yes it was sleep deprivation day!!).
Wonderful post and really made me think differently about my parenting approach!
Kristina
I know this article is older, but I just found it, and it means so much to me. I’m so guilty of doing this, I get so frustrated and feel like I’m
Barely keeping my temper in, and then I hate myself for being a crappy, awful mom until the next time it happens. Thank you so much. I can’t tell you how grateful I am to have found these well-phrased simple reminder and explanation. ?
Tasha
Don’t smack your kids. Why do parents think pain is the answer, think about it, would you allow someone to smack your child? Would you be okay with that? No. So why do it urself. Mum or dad are supose to be the people and a child feels safe with, not hurt by. Sort it out. Cant stand hearing about it or seeing it in public, makes me wanna smack you !!
Kris
Where did Kristina say she smacked her child? She said she has a temper, that’s not the same thing. After having a child, I discovered that I have a temper that is really hard to control but I never hit my toddler, I yell. Turns out, my mother wasn’t only just a yeller throughout my teen years, she was constantly yelling at me even when I was an infant. There’s no magical wand to deprogram two decades worth of abusive behavior from a parent. Once you become an adult, those influences don’t magically go away. All one can do is try to do better next time.
Kristy
I’ve been using this strategy in situations where there is time to allow my son’s stubbornness to play out, for the most part it works out better than trying to get a logical response.
What tips do you have for situations you don’t have the luxury to wait out your child’s stubbornness? A good example is when the family is out at a restaurant, and our 2 year old wants to do everything but sit and eat.
Mara
Thank you for such a valuable piece of advice! Taking a pause and validating their feelings – brilliant! I have recently started a blog called livingthespecialneedslife.com and I would love for you to come visit. Your input would be very valuable. Thank you again and I hope to see you there!
babynest
Same thing works for all ages. Sometime people are just emotional or need time to process
Kirstie
I cried big ugly tears while reading this. My son is almost 2 and I am constantly in a panic because he isnt talking like other 2 year olds and he ig pored our constant questioning of “what does a cow say?” (Or whatever other questions we are pressing, trying to prove to ourselves that we’re good parents and teaching him the things he needs to know) so in my googling, I can across this article. We are not quite to the “I don’t want toast” phase but still the basis is the same, we all just want to be acknowledged for what we are feeling, and why would my child feel any different? So I closed Google and crawled onto the floor to push cars around and make silly noises because thats where he is at right now. And I can be ok with that. I realize that it wasnt even the purpose of your article but right when I got to “700 neural connections a second” it all just clicked for me. So thank you for the big ugly tears this morning and the reminder that it’s ok for our kids to just be who they are and to just be there with them.
Kirstie
Ignores… not ig pored (:
Tiffany
This is great advice, but my two year old is not talking to a point where he expressing himself in words.
Jennifer
This is a game-changer. All these articles are fantastic. Thank you so much!