I remember the first time my husband called me after returning from Iraq. I was a military girlfriend and living long-distance at the time. Hence the phone call.
So…We were chatting away, and I was feeling all sorts of happy butterflies because he was finally home. And we were—finally—going to see each other and spend time together! Woo!
Then he dropped the bomb.
He said, “I can’t wait to go to Afghanistan. I’m looking to volunteer for the next rotation.”
In a single instant my butterflies disappeared and a gaping hole burned into my heart. Seriously. For real. He just got home. I was speechless.
What military spouses won’t tell you.
Finding the good in the bad is key to thriving in military life, and this is something strong military spouses do insanely well. But…
While most military spouses confide in close friends and family members, they typically hold it together and put a smile on their face for the rest of the world. There are several things they won’t tell you about deployment.
1. They worry even when “they’re fine.”
Even the safest deployments carry risk. No matter where a service member is in the world, there is always a pit deep down in the stomach of the military spouse.
They carry a deep secret fear that one day there will be a knock at the door. When she looks at you and says, “I’m fine,” know better.
2. They would love an invite to coffee or lunch.
Military life gets a little lonely sometimes. Whether the invite comes from a civilian or a military spouse, it doesn’t matter.
Most days, distraction is a welcome change. And coffee is an added bonus.
3. They struggle to ask for help.
More than likely, they won’t go out of their way to ask for help. It doesn’t mean they don’t want or appreciate help.
It just means spouses are stubborn and independent and want to stay strong for their service member. Keep trying. Eventually they will accept help. And help always helps.
4. They don’t appreciate dumb questions.
If you ask dumb questions, they will respond graciously even though they kinda want to punch you in the face. Examples of dumb questions are as follows…
“Are you scared he is going to die?”
“How do you do it?”
“You’re used to it by now, right?”
Those types of questions. Yes, skip those.
5. They do appreciate encouragement.
If you see a military spouse, and you don’t know what to say, and you’re afraid all your questions will come out entirely wrong, a simple phrase of encouragement will make her entire day.
“I admire what you are doing as a military spouse.”
Or you can just give her a hug.
6. They don’t equate deployment to all separations.
They don’t want to hear about how much you miss your spouse who’s away for a week on a fishing trip. Common sense people. Combat zones and fishing trips are not the same thing.
7. Their phone means everything.
A fellow military spouse once said service members live inside the phones of military spouses, and this is so true.
To military spouses, phones are more than a place to mindlessly scroll Facebook or send emojis to your third cousin in Cali.
When military spouses are separated from the person they care about most in the whole world, they want to be there when the service member calls. Missing a phone call can ruin their whole day.
8. It doesn’t get easier. Ever.
It’s a complete and total misconception that being apart gets easier over time. It doesn’t. Do military spouses learn to use tools and resources to get through it? Absolutely.
But there isn’t a day that goes by that a military spouse doesn’t wish her service member was home.
9. Being faithful is the easy part.
Trust me. Military life and keeping a strong military marriage is complicated enough without bringing another person into the mix.
Of course, there are a few bad military spouse apples, but they do not make the whole tree rotten. Military spouses love, adore and respect their service members, even when they are away.
10. The uncertainty is the hardest part.
You never know when they are going to call, leave or come home. There is some ballpark of an idea, but dates typically change. Everything is ambivalent, not just deployment.
Where you’ll live, your career, your friendships—all of it is a big fat question mark. The only thing certain is that the plan you start with will always change and change and change.
Afghanistan happened. Twice.
At a loss for words, I hung up the phone trying to make sense of our conversation. It took me a while to adjust to the idea of another deployment. Okay…a good long while. I can’t say that I ever got comfy cozy with the idea, but I did reach a place of acceptance.
Since then, I’ve learned to brace myself for the surprises of military life. And he’s learned there are just certain things best left unsaid to a spouse immediately after deployment (like that you’re leaving again on another deployment).
Want more posts on military life?
- How Strong Military Spouses Rock Deployment
- The One Thing You Miss Most During Deployment
- What a 2-Year-Old Will Teach You About Surviving Deployment
- 15 Must-Do Things to Prepare for Deployment
Keating
Yes to all of these! Zack’s not currently deployed but he’s away for a year and most of these still apply. I would have loved for more invites this past year or even just quick check-in’s from friends and family to see how I was doing. I rarely got them! Instead, I dealt with a TON of obnoxious questions and assumptions and it really made the year even more challenging. Thank God for my milspouse friends lol
xo, Keating | Keating & Co
keatingandco.com
xo, Keating | Keating & Co
keatingandco.com
Lauren Tamm
Yes!!
sally
Hi there, I can empathise with your comments and wish there was more of a community where we could reach out to each other even if it’s to talk about care packages etc but some days you feel like your the only one in the world and unless your friends have a partner in the military they will never understand it. Hope your ok
Hugs
Sally xoxox
Rhonda Anders
Hi I am a new military spouse. I am having a hard time getting used to him being gone but I understand that he will be coming back home soon. How do I prepare for his coming home .
Kat
My husband just came home recently from a year long deployment and I think the part that hurt the worst was the way his family seemed to abandon us as soon as he left. I never got a text or phone call to ask how I was doing or how his kids were doing for the entire year. But his mom would constantly looking for attention on Facebook etc. because he was deployed. Ever heard of the term Facebook mom/grandma? Yeah that’s her. Smh. My husband’s ex wife was actually the only one from his “side” that checked in regularly. Now that he’s home I’m still so angry with them over how they treated our kids. I’m so happy I found this page though!
Abigail Marshall
I understand how hard it can be to not have the support you really need. My husband is currently in Japan and I’m in Idaho lol family and friends don’t understand how hard it is to be so far apart for so long, I haven’t seen him for 8 months….but we are all here to support each other. Don’t ever be afraid to ask for help, we are all here for you!
Hunter
I’m engaged and joining the Air Force soon. I’m hoping my future wife can adjust to this. She’s a great woman the best I’ve ever known I hope she can adjust to this. She and family are part of the reason I’m enlisting. I want to become a better man for her and I know it’s going to be so hard for her.
Rosie
totally agree!!
Lauren Tamm
I’m so glad this spoke to you, Rosie!
Elizabeth
One especially obnoxious statement I’m tired of hearing is, “You knew what you were signing up for when you married him.” We all have some vague idea of what is to come when we marry our service member spouse, but we never truly know. Even if I did know, I still would have married my husband because I would rather live this life with him than live any other life with someone else. “Knowing what we signed up for” doesn’t make it any less difficult or heartbreaking at times.
Greg
If anybody said that to my wife I wpuld expect her to slap the **** out of them and tell me where they are when I get home.
Celeste
Lol agreed. Heard someone say this and almost smacked them myself. Know common sense people
Lauren Tamm
Yes, Elizabeth! So true.
Marie
My mom gave me this line during my husbands most recent time away, and pretty much told me that military spouses have no right to complain about anything because they knowingly signed up for this life. That was after she asked me if my husband liked being away from home on deployment. I was more than a little livid.
Tab
I one time asked my mom if she would say that to a police officer’s wife, a EMT’s wife, a firefighter’s wife, and etc. after I was having a hard day missing my husband when he was stationed in Korea the first two years of marriage. She just sat there and couldn’t answer me. After that my dad had a little chat with her about saying stuff like that to me.
Anna
That comment bothers me the absolute most!!! I’ve even had family say that to me in some of my hardest moments during a deployment and it just plain hurts
Dawn
Mine joined after 10years of civilian life…I always had the UTMOST RESPECT for the Military wife, but could never be one, than all of a sudden!!! 14years later (and 4 deployments), only a few more till retirement, but that call to go can STILL come any time (personally I think there should be a # of deployments & your done…Bahaha…) Thus the saying “Welcome to the SUCK”…
However I did AGREE to love & support him through the decision… Hardest thing iv ever done!!!
Anne
This is a great post! I am preparing for my husband’s third deployment. This time with a five and nine-year-old. I am glad I found your blog. 🙂 I am also a new blogger and I am inspired by yours!
Thanks!
Lisa
I have a military Navy officer who my faience and we been together for 2 years and 2 months now think thing is that he been give a leave but he has to pay for it and I need to know how I can help him out to do this cause I am strapped for cash so is there someone who can answer me this now cause was prosimed to be able leave if he pays this today please help me out thanks
Cindy
Did you meet him in person before?
Or you just talking to him on hangouts and never video called with him and he asked for money and iTunes Amazon or Steam card then it’s a scam!!!
So be careful please.
And you don’t have to pay for leave!!!
Danielle
There is no money involved for any military leave. Also did he tell you how long the leave was for? He also should have everything he needs on deployment including food and health insurance. I believe you are being scammed. Also if he asked for a iTunes gift card he is definitely scamming you. Have you met him in person or just talking through an app? I grew up a military brat and I have been around military my entire life so I know well. Please be careful.
Steve
That’s not a reason to say his a scam cause he asked for ber help
Lindsey
The comment that really gets to me is the “you knew what you were getting into when you married him” People really have no idea. When I would meet up with friends or they would stop over they would get pissy if I had my phone out. Granted my husband was still in the U.S. we only got to talk periodically on the phone. I wasn’t missing those phone calls. Needless to say I just stopped really socializing with people for awhile.
Christina
Yes! People get annoyed when I check out to be on my phone, but I can’t be sorry. My hubs is deployed, I don’t know where I will be when I get a chance to message with him or email. Phone calls are even more rare (two over 130 day period). So yeah, I’m going to check out for a bit but chances are it’s only a few minutes before he’ll lose connection anyway. People just don’t get it. Sometimes it is easier to just stay home.
EH
My spouse is deploying to Germany and one of my biggest fear is the infidelity rate over there and I’m truly nervous because Germany is where everything started and crushed my mom and dad marriage . I don’t know how to feel about it
Christina
Girl, preach. I get so annoyed when people compare their long distance relationships or two week work trips to deployment. Pleeeease! We spent two years 3,000 miles apart while he was in Charleston and I was in LA. It was a freaking cakewalk compared to deployment. With regular distance you still have Skype/FaceTime, phone calls, texts, trips to see them, etc. Deployment on a naval ship means no FaceTime unless they reach a port, two ship phone calls in 4 and a half months, and emails that get responded to days or weeks later. Soooo not the same! And you’re not allowed to go off on people cuz that’s rude. And the “you signed up for this” stuff! Nah, nope, no. I fell in love with someone who happened to be in the service, I didn’t go get in line to be a Navy wife. Omg. This list, girl. Yes!
Qyera
I know this was written so long ago lol, but I’m in my first deployment with my boyfriend and we started dating only a few months before he got the orders. Ummm…it’s been hard…but everyday it gets a tiny bit easier. I’m learning to roll with the punches and take my phone EVERYWHERE! Lol! I can relate to this blog sooo much! And I thank you for all of your information! I’m not a spouse, just a girlfriend, trying to learn all the ins and outs of this lifestyle!
Allison
I’m living this right now!! He’s deployed and honestly I’m trying to keep it together. I think the unknown is the hardest part for me.
Jamie
Hey guys! I’m new here and my bf is in bootcamp. He keeps talking about how once he gets out he’s rushing home to see me, which makes me happy, but he hasnt invited me to his graduation. Does this mean anything?
Melissa
Hi Jamie, I’m a military spouse for 17yrs now but I remember when my husband was in boot camp, I pretty much invited myself because I was so proud of him I wanted to be there. I did go and we got married by the justice of peace after the graduation..lol but if you’re still young in your relationship he might just feel like it’s a family thing. However, the guy I dated before my husband was a marine and he didn’t invite me to his graduation.
Amy Williams
My husband’s first deployment was to Kosovo. We were stationed in Germany at the time. Back then (20 years ago), I thought 6 months was a long time. After the Welcome Home Ceremony we got into the car to drive home. He handed me an article that was written about him. He was clearly proud of it and was excited to show me. The article was entitled “Soldier Reluctant to Leave Kosovo”. My heart was instantly broken. Since then I have learned that his love for me has nothing to do with his love for his duty. That did not happen overnight. It isn’t something I necessarily like but I understand it.