It was a Saturday night and I was alone. Scratch that. I was sad and alone. I was a military girlfriend with a deployed service member and I struggled to balance waiting by the phone with getting out of the house and enjoying life. I mean…
Do you stay or do you go?
I laid down on my couch getting ready to watch a movie, wondering what he was doing at that very moment in Iraq. I always had a feeling about him from the moment we met. The feeling like he might be “the one.” But…
post contains affiliate links
We weren’t even officially together. We were growing a relationship, yet everything was ambivalent. Our future one big fat question mark.
The phone rang.
It was him. In exactly half a second I transformed from sad and alone to overwhelmed with giddy excitement. On the inside, I was jumping on Oprah’s couch like Tom Cruise did back in the day when he was in-love with Katie Holmes.
But on the outside, I was calm and cool. Because when your semi-boyfriend calls from half-way around this world, this is the exact moment you should avoid being creepy and try to act normal. Repeat: try to act normal.
This was seven years ago.
Five deployments, one military marriage, countless trainings, two babies, multiple TDYs and one giant overseas PCS move filled those seven years. Much has changed since my first months as a military girlfriend.
Back then, I naively thought that being in a long-distance relationship would somehow prepare me for military life and marriage. The truth is that it doesn’t get easier.
But you do lean to arm yourself with a useful set of relationship tools to lessen the blow. Here’s how.
10 relationship-saving tools for military couples.
This is a list of relationship strategies I learned from researching marriage and long-distance relationships, personal experience and talking with other military spouses. These tools will help keep your relationship thriving during deployment.
Do the obvious.
Yes, you should write letters and send care packages. Even when it feels silly. Or trivial. Or it seems like it doesn’t matter. It matters.
Think of your relationship as a beautiful brick wall built by both you and your service member. Each letter, care package, and email you write is another brick on your wall, making it stronger each day.
Communicate creatively.
You aren’t always able to call or FaceTime when you want to with each other. Sometimes you may go a month without communication. But communicating even when you can’t communicate is important.
Create a series of open-when letters and send them with your service member before he (or she) leaves on deployment. Write letters at home and send emails even when you know he won’t get to read them for a long time. Eventually, he will read all of it, and it’s going to mean the world after not communicating for so long.
Don’t lead yourself to water.
The saying goes, “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.” But…
And this is a big but: after several months of dehydration, the horse will probably drink whatever you put in front of him.
So if your service member is a tall drink of water, don’t put yourself in situations where there are a lot of other tall drinks of water hanging around. Wink. Wink. Even the most trust-worthy people will start to make mistakes when put in tempting situations.
Do things “together”
Even though you aren’t together, you can still do things “together,” such as read the same book or watch the same TV series on DVD. You can also relive your favorite memories together through photo albums.
Create two photo albums of your favorite memories together. One for you and one for him. Page through it together over a phone call. Or go through the photo album and write a letter to him about it. During a time when you don’t feel like you have much in common, this is going to help you relate to each other and offer you a way to feel connected.
Build the foundation.
Before he even leaves, communicate expectations and talk about how you can meet those needs for each other. Those who set clear expectations ahead of time are more likely to cope better during separations.
These expectations and needs can include how often you realistically will communicate to how often you will send photos to how you will budget during deployment.
If you are looking to fine tune your budget by increasing your deals and savings, our family has always turned to Operation in Touch. They are amazing!
Keep your walls down.
It’s OK to let yourself feel the emotions of deployment. To cry. To phone a friend. To get a punching bag. To let it all out. And it’s even OK to share it with your service member.
Being open and transparent is an important part of every relationship. We aren’t doing each other any favors by keeping our emotions a secret. Obviously, you don’t want to pile drive your service member with an emotional onslaught every time you get on the phone, but thinking through your emotions and sharing them in a genuine way will bring you closer together.
Don’t keep score.
You can’t keep a tally of who sent the most letters, who said the most ‘I love yous,’ and who made the most sacrifices. Because the truth is that it will never be equal. Keeping score only builds resentment and breaks down your relationship. You may send 10 letters and he may send one. He may send three emails and you may send one. If you are both giving it your best, then the tally count doesn’t matter.
Talk about difficult things.
If certain topics make you uncomfortable…get uncomfortable. Talk about wills and powers of attorney and what you both would want if you could no longer speak for yourself. Nothing is worse than diving fresh into difficult conversations in the middle of a legit crisis, such as an injury or illness.
Live your own adventures.
Your independence will only bring you and your service member closer together. He’ll feel more confident that “you’ve got this.” And you’ll feel happier and more fulfilled by doing things that you love and enjoy.
You don’t have to sit on the couch sad and lonely, waiting for the phone to ring. Instead, take sailing lessons, learn to tango, or head out to dinner on a Saturday night with friends. You can do both. You can keep a strong relationship during deployment and continue to live the life you have right in front of you.
Just remember to take your phone with you. And “hold space” for when he calls.
Never give up.
Did you know that biggest success predictor of long-distance dating relationships versus geographically close relationships has little to do with distance? The true predictor about whether your relationship will survive deployment are the characteristics of your relationship and the tools keep in your relationship tool belt.
So when your deployment relationship feels too strained, too far gone or too empty, remember this: relationship tools will grow the connection.
These tools will make the difference between your relationship surviving versus thriving through deployment. And I promise they will make that first homecoming kiss all the more sweeter when it comes.
Want more on military life?
- 15 Must-Do Things to Prepare for Deployment
- The One Thing You Miss Most During Deployment
- The 7 Stages of Deployment Anger (And How to Manage Them)
- 9 Relationship Truths Only a Modern Military Spouse Will Understand
This is a sponsored conversation written by me on behalf of MSB New Media & Unilever. The opinions and text are all mine.
Stacey
Thank you so much for posting this. I am that military girlfriend going through deployment for the first time right now. All things military have been completely foreign to me up until a couple months ago, and to add him leaving on a six (seven?) month deployment so early in our relationship has left me reeling and very unsure about what is “normal” to be feeling and doing while he’s away. For both of us! Your insight means so much!
Kelly
Thanks for the post. I am new to this in a sense. My dad was military and as I child it pained me to see him leave all the time. I could never fully understand what my mom and even my aunts went threw while (dad/uncles) they were gone. Now I am finding myself in the same place and I just want to walk away. We have only been dating a few months and he is already on his third deployment. He is a police officer with Homeland. The first time it was week in Charlottesville. The second time was Houston for Hurricane Harvey and then onto Florida for Irma. At least those times I could talk to him. Now he is in Puerto Rico for a month and there is limited cell service and I have not heard from him in a week. When we last talked he told me he would call when he could. I just need to know how to cope with not hearing from him on a daily basis. I feel a range of emotions right now and I don’t know what to do.
Marie
I def feel how you feel it truly is relieving to know there are other women that feel the same 🙂
A
My boyfriend leaves tomorrow morning and today was the last I will see him for a while. Reading about this has helped calm my nerves about everything a little bit. It’s still a fairly new relationship and the anxiety has been killing me for the last month or so. I’m a ver anxious person who hasn’t had the best relationships in the past so anxiety is super high about this. I know he is loyal as am I. We are both very open about things and have great communication. This post really helped me a lot
Angelika
I started dating a military guy in May. We met last December through a dating app and back then I turned him down and we ended up being ‘virtual friends’. For four months, we texted each other (just text, no calls at all).He was away for his training when we started texting, so when he came back, we met in person for the first time as friends. It was a little silly because this happened in the middle of the pandemic. I realized I like him after we met in person, and started dating in May. After a month of dating, he had to go back to his training for 4 months. It hasn’t been easy because he is the first guy that I dated and we’re not even official. There’s a lot of uncertainties. We decided to continue whatever we have while he’s gone. And the communication is really hard. I always miss him and it gets sad and lonely especially during the times where I really want to talk to him but I know I can’t because he is busy or in the field. Reading this post made me feel that I am not alone. That the relationship that I’m trying to build with this guy is not the most easiest relationship I’ll ever have, but here’s to hoping that it would be worth it. We get to video call once or twice a week and again its not easy because I really miss him and would really want to get to know him better, but I guess we’ll have to be strong and make this work. Thank you for your article, it put me at ease and I appreciate the guy that I’m dating even more.
ER
I totally understand. I met mine on a dating app too, 4 months ago. He was in my town for training and now going back to his permanent station of duty which is out of the country. There is nothing worse then wanting to hear their voice, read a text, or simply get that snuggle in but you can’t because they are in the field. These are our last days together and we can’t even spend them together. I’m dreading the day he leaves (5 days). My heart hurts and I can’t sleep. It will be a long while before I see him again. I would say this relationship is going to teach me the real value of love. Reading this article definitely help but things in prospective.
Hun
Hi, Stacey! I’m in the same situation. We’ve known each other for 5 years and recently started dating a month before he got deployed to Japan for 6 months. It’s so hard not being able to talk to each other. I wonder all the time if he takes our relationship serious because I just need to see a message saying that he miss me or thinking of me. It’s been a week and I haven’t heard anything. I hope it will be worth the wait.
Marie
Hello, thank you for posting this it was very helpful to me. Me and my boyfriend have been dating for about 9 months he had to deploy for 6 months this is so new to me as well. There has never been a time when we didn’t talk everyday. I’m very nervous about how this could either make our relationship stronger or just crash. So many people have their opinion on military men both good and bad. I feel like if he is strong enough to put his life on the line I should be strong enough to put my feelings on the line and hope that god blesses us to grow together through good or bad times !
Rachel
Thank you. I can’t take the hell of waiting for his return. This is the first deployment in 3 years since i met him and started dating. And it’s been a year now! Communication is great but can be limited due to the nature of his deployment.
BreAnna
Thank you for this. I am in a very new relationship with someone I have known for a few years. Although our relationship is strong, my anxiety is currently getting the best of me as my boyfriend is preparing to leave for a 15 month deployment soon and we are already states away. This is also his first deployment so very new and scary for both of us.
Katrina Patterson
My boyfriend Erik and I have known eachother since freshmen year of high school 5years down the road we are in college but he is to be deployed next october. Its a whole year away but i have the most unique connection to him because he has been the greatest thing to have ever happened to me in my life. It hurts to see him leave even this only for one week for some little side training. Call me clingy but uts not like that. I literally have just sat in bed all day reading books and drinking coffee because i am so strung out. anyways its posts like yours that helps me get ideas to cope with this impending day. thank you, please keep blogging!
Emma
Me and my boyfriend had been together just shy of 12 months when he was deployed and about half way through the six month stint he broke it off. Things were Hard and he was becoming more and more detached but it still hit me like a tonne of bricks. He’s deleted me off Facebook but I can see that he still looks at our messages (whatsapp) I’ve written him a letter and kept his photos up and close to my chest and all I can do is be patient and present because I know it just got all too much and he still loves me just as much as I love him. Here’s hoping he’ll give it a chance.
Joshu
Ok so I ended up here because there aren’t really any gay stories, but I have been dating a Navy boy for almost two months. He truly is someone special. I’ve never met someone that has been so nice and sweet to me. He deploys in January and will he gone until August. It’s nice to read your story and how your relationship basically started with a deployment too. I am head over hills for this guy and I know I can wait. I’ve already got care packages thought out for the first three months.
Marc
Hi Joshua, my partner is Army. He will deploying in June for a year, though we will meet up at some point in Europe for his RR. We are a relatively new relationship, dating since December. We are madly in love and are both committed to staying together through his deployment. My emotions have been all over the place- going down the rabbit holes of “what if’s” etc. I just wanted to reach out and let you know you are not alone. I too have not been able to find other same sex support groups etc. Hopefully you will see this. Marc
Yulanda
Hi, thank you so much for your post. I’m a military girlfriend who very sensitive and get emotional very easily…. my boyfriend sent me your post to help me cope when he goes. With your tips I’m now confident that we can get through this together. I just need to be myself and Believe in Faith that he will be and that I will be absolutely fine. It doesn’t help that I’m not well atm so I can’t work and can be bedridden some days but I will watch tv shows that we normally watch together and just picture him playing with my hair? thank you. I can’t tell you how much this means to me. Xxxx
Nanci
Thank you for this posting. My fiancé recently just went underway and I’ve been having a difficult time still getting used to him being away or not being able to talk to him for long periods of time. Whats been even harder is that I’ve recently just moved to another state where I have no family or friends and I moved on a whim so I’m still looking for a job. Its hard because there’s nothing to keep me “distracted” sort to say and I go to the gym a lot but I find myself being reminded of him often and fall out into tears. I’ve been recording video blogs for when he gets back. He’s in the navy and so he doesn’t have a lot of internet or phone abilities when he’s on ship. Do you have any suggestions as to how to better get through this or ideas to do as a away to distant myself until my sailor comes back home?
Mayli
I know exactly how you feel. My boyfriend left just 2 days ago for Navy boot camp and the agony is already more than I can bear. I’m awaiting his first letter, I hear it comes in approximately the first 10 days. I find myself being reminded of him with everything I do, and I too fall out into tears – frequently. And he hasn’t even gone off to A school or been deployed yet… Does the pain lessen I wonder?
Mary
Hang in there! The first month of bootcamp is the hardest. At least a month for that first letter so definitely keep urself busy. But after that it will become routine writing to eachother. it really is special and fun. Cry if you have to and just keep writing and tell him about all the great things going on in ur life and that ur there for him. Right now my boyfriend is deployed and it is hard. It can be so frustrating at times but waiting for him is so worth it.
Bella
I have been struggling with the same stuff — New state, no friends, and no good distractions to keep your mind off the constant worry and crazy things your brain will come up with. I love the idea of video blogs, that’s a great idea! Check out Facebook for local Navy groups where they offer support, and hopefully allow you to make connections in the same area going through what you are. I wish you the best of luck, you got this.
Reizle
Thank you so much for this post. I’ve been reading articles sometimes to make me feel better and distracted. My boyfriend and I are been dating for 4 yrs now, and this is his first deployment. He’d be gone a lot of times because of his training, and the longest training he had was for 3 months. Now, this will be the longest one ever. He’s my best friend and him not being around is really hard for me. We used to do a lot of things together like travel, watch a bunch of shows, anime and play a lot of video games. I miss him so much that sometimes it hurts. I gave him two of my letters already before he left, so he can read them while he’s on his way out there. Some of them are still in the process, and I can not wait to send them all to him. I also have a diary and write everything down to keep him updated. I write all the things that are happening to me or around me or the things that are going on with his family and friends, so he will be able to read them when he gets back. Hopefully, I will also be able to go back to school this Falls and focus there for now and keep me distracted. My goal right now is to focus on myself and keep growing and hopefully time goes by faster. I can’t wait to see him again and share new memories together.
Sophia msttawana@gmail.com
I’m not a mlitary partner but my man has been gone on a Research project in his foreign country. I stay in SA and he’s in Ghana. We haven’t spoken for 6 months now.It’s more than difficult these days, I feel like crying but it’s not coming, he left without saying Godbye because it was supposed to be 6wks .