Inside: The number one reason why parents yell. Plus, the 2-minute strategy that can help you stop yelling and squash the angry mom inside you.
My kids could not stop giggling. I honestly didn’t understand it, but they were making “monster faces” and this was, apparently, the funniest thing they ever did see. The kids hopped out of the car, and together we locked hands, grabbed our bags and started walking towards our apartment building.
Everything in that moment felt right.
Then I heard it. The yelling.
My eyes shifted left to right, scanning for where it was coming from. I spotted it: mom, minivan, kids.
She stood outside the rear sliding door looking inward, kids peppered the inside of the van, and the roaring words that followed are ones I’ll never forget.
In a single instant, everything turned to slow-motion as I watched her arms charge up and down into the air. Her voice accelerated with each passing second, and verbal bullets shot into the ears before her.
The kids and I continued walking inside, but my heart raced.
My cheeks flushed hot.
My throat felt tight.
My stomach tied double and triple knots.
But not for the reason you’d think.
I looked at the mom outside the minivan, and the first image that popped into my head was…myself.
Because man, I’ve been there.
I’ve. so. been. there.
A huge part of me wanted to drop all my bags, let go of the little hands locked into my own, race toward the minivan and leap into her arms for the biggest hug ever.
I wanted to look her in the eye and tell her that this parenting gig is…hard.
That I…understood.
That she was…not alone.
The real reason why parents yell at their kids.
No one becomes a parent and thinks, “I’m going to be angry and yell at my kids all the time.”
No one plans on being an angry mom.
Instead, you probably think a lot more along the lines of this:
- I love my kids and I would do anything for them.
- I want to do this parenting thing “right.”
- I desire to be a calm and patient parent.
The forgotten factor.
I’ve battled my parenting anger for years and I still haven’t found a magic fix, but I made a huge breakthrough when I learned the REAL reason I was yelling.
Anger and yelling always comes from a feeling of powerlessness.
Powerlessness that you can’t control your kids behavior.
Powerlessness that you can’t get all the little people out the door on time.
Powerlessness that you can’t take a shower without a fight breaking out between the kids.
Powerlessness that you can’t get your kids to (for the love of all things chocolate and coffee) go to sleep at night.
Powerlessness that some days you feel like you’re failing at parenting, and you genuinely want to fix it, but you don’t know how.
You give and give and give, and quite honestly, little seems to move in the direction you want.
So you yell.
When your parenting frustration hits level 15 on a scale that only goes to level 10, you feel powerless.
And one easy way to feel power quickly is to…yell.
It’s the same reason kids fall into rapid-fire sequences of back talk and disrespect. They feel powerless, too.
Yelling always comes down to this: The overwhelming desire to meet your healthy need for power as fast as possible.
(Yes, power is a healthy need. We all have the need for power. It’s only a matter of meeting that healthy need in a healthy way.)
A 2-step quick fix for yelling.
If you find your power tank dangerously low and you are about to yell at your kids, give this a try:
1. Name 5 things you can control in the moment.
Think: I can tap my right foot fast 10 times. I can passionately say, “I’m so frustrated.” I can add 2+7+9 in my head. I can do 5 jumping jacks. I can close the car door and sit on the ground.
This simple exercise allows you step out of your emotional brain and back into your logical brain. You’ll slowly move from a feeling of powerlessness to a feeling of control.
2. Be sure to say them aloud.
This is an important step because if you say it inside your head, the emotional brain will continue to overpower your logical brain.
This is also the perfect exercise to help a crying kid calm down. After doing this quick exercise, it’s easier to see a clearer solution to the problem.
Before you go, a story.
When I saw the mom at the door of her minivan, I wanted to leap into her arms for and tell her that she was a good mom and that she wasn’t alone.
I wanted to help her, but I didn’t.
Instead, I froze and walked inside pretending to see nothing.
I felt a lot of guilt over that.
For days upon days, I thought about this mom and how I wished she knew that she wasn’t alone.
Then I saw her again.
There she was in the elevator with her hands lovingly locked with her littles. Despite the chaos of the kids around her, she was calm and relaxed.
I looked over to her, and in the midst of our combined 5 kids making the loudest and most rambunctious noises, I said…
“I saw you before in the parking lot.”
Her face instantly flashed white like she’d been found out.
Nervous to speak, I continued. “I wanted you to know that I’ve been there. I understand. You’re not alone, and you can call me anytime.”
I paused.
(Silence)
The doors opened.
I looked to my kids who were eager to get off and said, “This isn’t our floor yet. Stay here.”
I extended my arm to her with a piece of paper.
My heart raced.
(I feared rejection after saying anything at all.)
Then she stepped off the elevator, grabbed the paper with my number on it — and with tears in her eyes — she mouthed two words: Thank you.
Print this free self-care habit tracker
This post comes with a free self-care habit tracker printable to help make yourself a priority in the everyday moments.
Here’s a sneak peek…
Download Your Free Printable
- Download the checklist. You’ll get the printable, plus join my weekly newsletter!
- Print. Any paper will do the trick, but card stock would be ideal.
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Resources for a calmer home:
- The Most Important Words You’ll Ever Say to an Upset Child
- Parenting Anger Isn’t The Problem: How to Communicate With Kids Effectively When You’re Angry
- The Most Important Thing You Can Do After You Yell at Your Kids
- 8 Ways to Get Your Kids to Listen Without Yelling
Want more on parenting?
- 2 Year Old Not Listening? Try This Remarkable Tip
- Dear Mom Who Feels Like a Terrible Mother
- 10 Powerful Phrases for When Your Child Whines or Complains
- Dealing With Parenting Anger: 21 Healthy Ways to Share Frustrations With Kids
I've created a free email series just for you! If you are struggling with teaching your child to listen, this series will help transform your parenting. Yes, really. I've seen my proven strategies work time and time again for parents. I know it can work for you too.
After taking my free email series, you will:
- Learn simple, yet highly effective listening strategies
- Experience a stronger connection with your child
- Enjoy more peaceful parenting days
- Gain more cooperation from your child
Shandra A.
Thank you for your wonderful emails. The ones that hit close to home for me are the ones about yelling and being an angry mom. I struggle so much with this with four kids 5 and under (including 10 month old twins). Again thank you for sharing your experiences! It helps bring calm to my chaos.
Lauren Tamm
Shandara,
Thank you for your encouraging words. It’s touching to know this article spoke to you. I’m glad you’re here.
Lauren
CA
I’m going to say the unthinkable…I have found…after giving up my beloved coffee, my morning habit, pretty much my all day habit of coffee drinking, that I am not quite as short-tempered. I am still “that mom” on days when pressure is coming in from all sides, but I am better. I now drink “”matcha green tea” in the morning for my caffeine fix. It is supposed to help with the neurotransmitter dopamine. Now, I only have a coffee about once a week, and that is usually a frappe because after 3 weeks without it, I really don’t have a taste for hot coffee. It took at least a week to kick the morning coffee habit. Also, I have read that smart phones actually cause anxiety, and I have found that some of my outbursts are while trying to manage a task on my phone while also tending to the children. I don’t blame everything on these two habits, but awareness of potential triggers is my purpose of mentioning it here. I agree that powerlessness is a huge factor in the meltdowns. Thanks for a great article!
Lauren Tamm
Connie, you are so right, diet and distractions (especially technology) are huge factors in losing patience, feeling frustrated and later yelling in response. Awareness of potential triggers is a powerful tool and I’m so glad you shared it.
Thanks for reading!
Lauren
Andrea
I also have just given up coffee!! I switched to tea and have relaxed a bit. I bet coffee just had a bad reaction in my system. I am glad I am not the only person going through this. Great article too!! I always feel bad after yelling and apologize and try to explain where I am coming from. Kids are amazing and they end up teaching us in the end.
Yomaira
Hello, I am.not one to comment on anything that I read but I feel so identified with your article. I have a 2 month old baby boy and a 5 year old girl. My girl is very active and loving. She is very emotional as well for example at age 3 she could not watch My little Pony it had too much drama and she would cry. But being this the case, she had our, or my, atention 100 %. Now with the Baby, at first she was very helpful, full of smiles and doing so well. She is still super loving and being a wonderful Big Sister but I have noticed some changes.
This is my second week feeling disconected. She has been acting out and I have felt I cannot do anything about it! So yes you sumed up that awful feeling in one word powerlessness! Finding myself over and over being “that mom” that ,before when I was single, would see and feel sorry for but think that it was her fault for not keeping it together. Now that I am on the other side, now I know exactly how she feels. Yelling throughout the day and then feeling guilty of hurting my little ones feeling. But even more guilty that I am failing at being a loving parent.
I am glad that I found your article. Definately feeling much better and I am going to put in practice your tips. Specially becaus now I don’t feel alone. Thank you, Yomaira
Lauren Tamm
Yomaira, wow, thank you so much for sharing such a thoughtful comment here. Your story resonates with me and I *know* so many other parents too. Everyday is a new day to try again and do better. We are all in this together. Hugs to you, mama. Lauren
Sara
Hi hun, look up ” highly sensitive child” book. It’s helped. I too have a daughter who cries with even just reading a sad or scary book and is highly compassionate and empathetic, yet has crazy noisy outbursts when upset. This book has helped me to understand her and myself (I feel I was like this as a child) and is giving me insight on how to create a calming, relaxing home to help her ? and me!
Ps great article. I definitely think the times that we are stressed and trying to get things done and feel powerless when things don’t go to plan is when we yell ? this parenting gig is hard!
Kate
Yomiara,
I second your opinion! This is the second time I’ve stumbled on this blog post, and it still speaks to me, maybe even more than it did the first time. I’ve been that yelling mom, right down to the crushing guilty feelings afterwards! I want to stop yelling too, actually, stop yelling at anyone, not just my kids! Thank you for your reply, and thank you Lauren for the article, both so amazing!
Kate
Danna W
I cried reading this. You made me feel like I wasn’t the only one when I thought I honestly was.… then I scrolled down and noticed you were also a military wife (so am I) then I cried some more. Thank you so much for this article <3
Lauren Tamm
Danna, you are definitely not alone! Motherhood combined with military life equals a frequent feeling of powerlessness. It’s a lot to conquer, but together we can. I’m so glad you’re here.
Lauren
Fatima
Hi Lauren, You’re article is defenetly very helpful, and I will try these exscersizes. I have litlle girl,she is 5 and she is very emotional about everything and she wants to do what she intends to do or otherwise she cries,but I m talking about the emotinal cry like it is the end of the world. She cries in kindergarten, in playrooms, she even cries when I am seeing off my hausband to work, she pitties everyone, and honestly I do not know what to do anymore. She doesn’t want to learn anything, collours or numbers( of course I am making it fun to her) she just turns everything in to playing, but her games or she just stars crying. I’m calm for somre time and taking a lot of stuff and then I brake (in tears or yellin),so If you had something similar to this I would like to hear it:)) Thank you a lot
Michelle R
Thank you, thank you! I love this. I’ve been there–both the mom yelling and the mom wanting to comfort another mom, because parenting IS so hard!! I’m going to check out your e-courses now, because with 5 littles under 9 I need all the help I can get!
Lauren Tamm
I’m so glad you’re here Michelle. I’ve definitely been on both sides as well. Thank you for checking out the eCourses. It’s great to have you!
Lauren
Michelle
Random comment but, ironically my name is also Michelle and I have 5 kids 9 and under as well :).
On topic though, I am going to give this a try, moming is hard work and if this helps I’ll gladly do it!!
Anna
This is the only article I’ve read in a very long time that resonated with me. I love my kids so much and want to be the best mom but then there are the times when I yell! And I hate it! Thanks for some tactics. ❤️ And some understanding.
Lauren Tamm
You are so welcome, Anna!
Trish
Thank you for sharing this article. I too struggle with yelling at my kids and feel horrible afterwards. I love my sweet girls. Just recently, I had a similar experience with seeing another mom yelling at her son while we were at the pool. I walked over to the mom and asked if I could pray with her and said can I give you a hug. As I hugged her, she began to cry a cry of relief. She also shared some things with me that she had been going through. I told her she wasn’t alone and I too get overwhelmed with life. At that moment, the Lord showed me I wasn’t alone and used this woman to show me this as well as He used me to comfort her. It’s good that you had another opportunity to speak into that women’s life. We all need encouragement.
Regina
What great insight. Thank you for sharing this.