Raising KidsInside: Learn two important words that can help tame temper tantrums in length and intensity. Plus, how the toddler brain works and why tantrums happen.
This morning my 2-year-old daughter asked me for a banana. I nodded. I grabbed the banana. I started peeling. Then like a parenting rookie, I made a terrible mistake.
In order to give her a smaller portion of the banana, I broke it in half.
Devastating.
Tears instantly gushed from her eyes like a dam broke, and I stood there holding a half banana in each hand—dumbfounded. She opened her mouth wide, tilted her head back and I knew the real blow was coming.
Her high pitched screeching zapped my brain into flight or fight mode, and immediately, I tried to “glue” the banana back together, which is code for…I tried to mush it back together (and failed miserably).
Between screeches, she wailed to me.
“It’s bwooooken. And mush-eeeee.”
My head spun as I attempted to give myself a parenting pep talk: fix the banana, yell at her to stop crying, okay fine…hide in the closet, no that’s ridiculous…buck up you sissy! and take on this 2-year-old like you own the place!
So I totally did.
Except not in the way you think.
The toddler brain is an interesting thing.
Did you know that from birth to age three your child’s brain generates 1 MILLION new neural connections a second? (It was previously thought to be 700 new connections a second).
This is staggering amount of brain wiring in a very short period of time.
When you think about it like that, it makes so much sense why a “broken” banana would motivate a 2-year-old to create a river out of tears.
She’s in the middle of a deep, winding and weaving process that grows brain connections for…
- Relationship-building.
- Self-control.
- Problem-solving.
- Communication.
From a logical perspective, and when you’re not listening to high-pitched screaming that rivals an out-of-tune Mariah Carey, it’s so cool. Right?
But then you return to reality and hear the screaming. It comes out of nowhere. It’s frustrating. And if I’m being brutally honest, it’s also ridiculously annoying.
You want a solution. You need something that will shorten the duration of screaming, and hopefully, minimize the loudness too. There is no magic button to turn off a temper tantrum. But there are two words that can dramatically shorten a temper tantrum.
Related: 2 Year-Old Sleep Schedule That Helps Everyone Get More Sleep
How to tame a temper tantrum.
More than anything, kids want to feel heard and understood. One of the principles of Language of Listening®, the 3-part parenting framework that I use, is that kids will continue to communicate until they feel heard.
This is the exact reason your kids pull at your leg whining, “mom. mom. Mom. MOM. MOOOOMMMMM,” until you acknowledge and respond about the tiny leaf crunched between their fingers.
They can’t stop telling you about something until they know that you get it.
At the end of the day, it always comes down to what the child’s wants mattering to someone. Your child desperately wants you to understand his or her wants.
That’s kids (and humans) in a nutshell.
So here’s what you say.
As my daughter wailed over her broken banana – “It’s bwooooken. And mush-eeeee.” – I took a deep breath and remembered two important words from my Language of Listening® training.
“You want…”
Honest. Two words. “You wanted…”
“You wanted the banana whole. And now it’s two pieces. It’s broken AND mushy!”
I repeated myself several more times, waiting for her brain to register.
“Of course, you wanted the banana whole! And now it’s in two pieces! That’s not what you wanted.”
And then she did what she often does after hearing her wants validated.
She took a deep breath. Nodded. Wiped her eyes.
She looked at the banana one more time...and cried. Because that’s what toddlers do. They oscillate from an overactive emotional brain as they work to build more neurons and gain self-control.
It’s what makes parenting babies, toddlers and preschoolers incredibly challenging. It’s hard work supporting your child through this enormous stretch of brain development.
It requires extraordinary patience.
But here’s the good news.
Each time your child dives into a temper tantrum, all you need to remember are two simple words: You want..
“You wanted to play with that toy.”
“You wanted that cookie.”
“You wanted to ride your bike.”
“You wanted to play with your friend.”
The more your child believes you, the more effective your words. (In the past I referred to this as “matching the intensity.”) You’ll notice your child might oscillate between their upset and hearing your words. This is so normal.
It’s not about logic. In fact, it’s about as far from logical reasoning as you can get. Validating your child’s want is about meeting her where she is in the moment – deep in her emotional brain trying to build neurons – learning how to develop relationships, communication, self-control and problem solving skills.
It might start with validating an upset over a broken banana, but 15, 20, or 30 years down the road it’s knowing that what you want matters…even if you can’t have it right away.
Had this happen to me yesterday when I refused to read my son a FOURTH book.
So… my question is, did you give her another banana? 🙂
Great question! In this situation, there was no new banana. Because it wasn’t really about the banana. It was more about her wanting to meet her need for power (wanting to control her experience with the banana.) I offered her some “Can Do” choices…like putting the banana together, getting a whole banana the next time, and wishing there were 10 whole bananas that she could eat right now. Ultimately, nothing worked as far as choices with her. I validated her and that was enough.
Counter will and push back from our kids is very healthy (and frustrating) from a developmental standpoint. I say, it really depends on the situation. There is no right or wrong answer. Just an opportunity to bring more clarity to your own boundaries (what you are and are not okay with) and your child getting their needs met within those boundaries.
Many times, you can set yourself up for success by mentioning the boundary on the front end and allowing you and your child to problem solve a solution that would work for everyone.
Yes, indeed!! Thanks for the great article!!!
I’m reading this now because my newly-turned 2 yo had had approximately 47,000 tantrums today alone in response to various stimuli. We’ve made it through okay, but my struggle a few times has been not knowing what she wants/wanted or what exactly just upset her. I’ll try to deduce or see if she’s willing/able to tell me, but mostly she’s so hysterical that we can’t get to that level of communication and I just sit with her until she can calm down and is ready for contact/hugs/snuggles. Is there anything else I can do in those situations? I have tried to put words to her feelings (“I know you’re angry/frustrated/sad/tired right now”) but that usually just makes her scream harder. Any thoughts would be much appreciated!
This is my life to a “T”. I have no idea what my son is upset about and he is unable to tell me. His body turns stiff as a board and he screams hysterically. I am at a loss as to how to keep peace at our house. It’s exhausting
WOW! My last name is also Tamm! What a small world. I never met another Tamm or have heard f another Tamm apart from my own Tamm Family. LOL! Sorry, not a big deal, but, a huge deal in this lockdown. I saw my last name in the Internet. Amazing! Is it appropriate to ask if you have Estonian Roots? Is this comment going to get banned? Should I be quiet now?. This is so cool!
My son just started his tantrums in full effect I’m trying my hardest not to be angry with him when he hits or scratches but it’s so hard when he cant communicate I’m currently pregnant and worried what this will mean for his little sister his oldest sister never had this problem I need a entire book 😔
Very good writing! I really enjoy your articles, and use of words. You’re a natural.
I had the exact breakdown yesterday. I cut his banana, cue meltdown….. I empathise! Will do this though, my reaction was a lot less calm….
You can always have a do-over with kids. That’s the best part about Language of Listening. You don’t have to be perfect.
Hi it’s not about toddlers anymore my 8 year old cried in the bus if I say something or ask him to wait long fir something
I wanna learn some tips
I mean I’m in embarrassment all over whenever he does that
Bananas…. the death of me!
Thanks for this article. yes makes sense.. i try it with my 3 year old son sometimes it works other times i got to be more creative and actually fix the banana what also works is distraction take the child away from the situation let them calm then try again and this time do not break or cut the banana.. what is funny though the next day they will ask for the banana to be broken in half or cut cos they see for themselves its easier and less messy to eat.. kids are funny.
I had in a single day 3 tantrums with my little girl, who’s only 1,8 years old! All of them, because she wanted to do something that was not possible (like watching TV or play some more at the doctor’s office after our appointment was done). I tried to reason with her, exactly like you said actually, saying that “you wanted that…, however…”, she kept on screaming/yelling/crying big time! What would you do in this case?
It’s especially frustrating when your child is having a tantrum and the screaming, yelling and crying goes on and on. All kids have 3 basic needs: power, experience and connection. Wanting to watch TV or play longer at the doctor’s office points me more towards power (wanting more control over the situation) with experience (wanting the experience of watching tv or the experience of a special toy at the doctor’s office) being a close second. One thing that stood out to me was when you said “I tried to reason with her” and “you wanted that…, however…” She might not believe you if you’re backing up validation with logic since the logical part of her brain isn’t developed yet. She’s operating almost entirely from her emotional brain and only with what is happening in the moment (not the past or future).
When offering your child the real thing isn’t possible, you can grant that want or wish in fantasy. To read more about how to do that, check out this post here: https://themilitarywifeandmom.com/complaining-child/. You may also enjoy my mentor Sandy’s handbook on Language of Listening to learn more about what you can do after the validation part. It’s a short and easy read, and you can read it here for free: https://www.languageoflistening.com/resources/read-swys-book/.
You don’t want others to judge anyone by their appearance, especially children. It sounds like you want others to be recognized for their true authentic selves, and I agree whole-heartedly with you. During challenging parenting moments – like the one with my daughter screaming over the banana – I get flustered. The words in my “parenting peptalk” from the post were my authentic thoughts at the time. When I thought more about things from my daughter’s authentic perspective, I was able to see that it was normal healthy brain development at work. It’s all about knowing better, doing better and embracing authenticity even when the words don’t come out right.
I’m a little stumped as I’ve tried this with both my kids. I validate with “you wanted…” and at first you could see the relief in their eyes as I acknowledged what they wanted whereas before I’d have tried to talk them out of whatever they were feeling. “Hey, mummy gets it finally!” It was really rewarding. But after about the third time of doing this with my youngest (now 2.5), if I try to say “you wanted…”, she screams “Don’t talk to me!” or “Don’t say that!”. How do I handle that??? I can’t use the language of listening if I’m not allowed to talk… I try just staying with her and just say “i’m here if you need me” before not saying anything else, and then she writhes around for anything up to an hour screaming at me to go away/don’t talk to her (even if I’m not talking to her). My older daughter did the same.
Great question! So when I think about what’s behind tantrums, it’s usually a child who is trying to meet his or her need for power. Same with whining, back talk and disrespect…it’s all about meeting a healthy need for power. It sounds like initially validation was meeting your kids’ need for power. They responded to it, and it felt rewarding for you! But after a while, they needed something more to help meet their need for power. It makes so much sense why they responded with “Don’t talk to me!” or “Don’t say that!” It was the thing that felt easiest to gain power in the moment for your kids.
With Language of Listening, if you only remember one thing, just SAY WHAT YOU SEE. In the case of your kids saying “Don’t talk to me!” it might sound something like…”You don’t want me to talk at all! You really didn’t like that.” If not talking works for you, you can give your kids permission by saying “You don’t want me to talk. That would work for me!” or simply “That’s works!” Permission giving is a powerful way for your kids to know what you are and aren’t okay with. If you’re not okay with your kids writhing for a prolonged period, then you can offer a “CAN DO” which is something the child can do that you’re okay with. “You can scream and stomp in your room as much as you need to.” Or…”There must be somewhere you could scream and stomp that would work. Right here…doesn’t work for me.” Or “There’s something you want me to understand. I’m just not getting it right.”
Kids can take a long time to calm down. The sooner you’re able to meet their need for power, the less time they’ll need with writhing and screaming.
Then to wrap it all up, each time they are able to calm down, you can name a STRENGTH like…”You calmed yourself!” or “You handled that!” The more you’re able to name those behaviors you like, the more your kids will show you those strengths.
In my comment here, I talked a lot about the 3 parts to Language of Listening and it might’ve been confusing without understanding the framework first. I welcome you to read my mentor Sandy’s handbook online for free here: https://www.languageoflistening.com/resources/read-swys-book/, but maybe you already have since you said, I can’t use LoL if I’m not allowed to talk.
Just Thank you?!! I love all of your posts and find them extremely simple and usually genius + straight to the point x❤
I just wanted to thank you for your article. I am having a particularly difficult time with my two year old (whose name is Lauren, by the way). I started laughing out loud when I read your story about breaking the banana in half (because I made the same mistake today with my daughter’s cereal bar). You really helped me feel a bit less alone and a bit less like a total failure. I will definitely try your suggestions.
This is very helpful. I often come back to read these articles when I need some serious support. So, thank you! I really appreciate it.