I stood in the elevator looking down at my strong-willed toddler on the floor. He sat up, swung his head backwards and let out another ginormous “WAAAAAAAA.”
When the elevator stopped on the third floor my heart skipped 3 beats before sinking into the abyss of anxiety in my stomach. The doors opened to another family needing to ride the elevator. As they stepped on, the look on their faces said. it. all.
Their jaws opened wide enough to fit a softball.
For a split second, I imagined gently placing my hands under their jaws to help close their mouths. This was—after all—a toddler crying in an elevator, not an elephant walking a tightrope.
But I knew this was a moment, as a parent, to employ a sliver of leadership and self-control, not to act like a child myself.
I knelt down to my toddler, waited until our eyes locked, and said a few calm but firm words to help get us through floors 4 through 8.
As the elevator reached the 8th floor, I picked my son up off the floor, half-smiled to the gawking onlookers, and confidently marched to my apartment door.
What parents of strong-willed toddlers should know.
Parenting a strong-willed toddler is tough work. You feel like there is nothing you can do to turn your defiant or spirited child into a cheerfully obedient little person.
You feel embarrassed by the onlookers and wonder if it’s only your kid that is prone to power struggles.
It’s exhausting, and maybe you’re feeling a bit of an angry mom because each day is an ordeal. You’re clinging to a gazillion different positive affirmations to convince yourself this is all going to be fine.
It has to be fine, right?!
Some days you want to grab a bag of miniature Reese’s and hide under the comforter in your master bedroom.
This is your happy place and your twenty-one-year-old-self has no idea who you are anymore.
But I know you.
I know you because I am just like you. And, my friend, there are three things that you must absolutely, without a doubt, know about parenting a strong-willed toddler.
You are raising a natural born leader.
According to a 2015 study conducted by the American Psychological Association, stubborn children who defy authority are more likely to become academic overachievers and high-earning adults.
In fact, rule breaking and defiance of parental authority was the best non-cognitive predictor of higher income later in life.
Strong-willed kids are not easily swayed.
They are the ones who will become business owners and emergency room charge nurses and school principals and police commissioners. The children who were once prone to power struggles will become trusted leaders in their communities.
And here’s the thing…
Raising a leader requires extraordinary parenting. Your child doesn’t just need a normal amount of patience and guidance from you. He needs extraordinary patience and guidance.
Inside, he has all these powerful feelings, thoughts and ideas swirling around like a vegetable medley, and he has no idea how to turn the heat down from a boil to a simmer.
Raising a natural born leader means your child needs you. Yes, it’s trying and exhausting. But the work you are doing is laying the foundation to help your child craft those leadership skills and put them to good use one day.
Setting limits is all about helping your strong willed toddler discover ways to channel all the intense emotions and passions.
Here are some step-by-step approaches:
- The Big Reason Why Setting Limits With Your Strong-Willed Child Isn’t Working
- Dealing with Controlling Kids? The Secret Sauce for Gaining Cooperation
- 7 Things That Will Change How You Try to Stop a Temper Tantrum
You don’t have to apologize.
Unless your child is harming another person in some way, you don’t have to look at people and apologize for your kid’s big feelings or temper tantrum.
When your kid is laying on the floor of Target crying because he wants a toy and you’re not going to buy it, there is no need to apologize to gawking people who need to put a softball in their mouth.
You don’t need to apologize for making another patron’s shopping experience uncomfortable. That’s their issue because they haven’t gotten the memo: The best moms are the moms with the screaming kids.
You’re the mom doing the hard work. You’re the parent not giving in. You’re the one teaching important life lessons.
This is not an easy job and there will be tears. Carry on, mama. Don’t apologize for being a good mom and doing the hard work.
If you are struggling with guilt as a mother, here are some places to start:
- The Real Reason Why Parents Yell (It’s Not Why You Think)
- The Most Important Thing to Do after You Yell at Your Kids
- Do You Ever Feel Angry Mama?
“Strength” training is a powerful parenting strategy for teaching your child.
It’s easy to—by default—to get stuck in the negative cycle of trying to make your child listen and having them fight tooth and nail every step of the way.
One way to get out of this cycle is to name the positive part about what the child did right in each and every situation. No matter how small or seemingly insignificant.
This is what I call STRENGTH Training in parenting. And it goes something like this…
Instead of…”You are such a picky eater. I don’t know why I even bother to make meals for you.”
Try…”You didn’t like any of the food on your plate at dinner tonight, but you tried at least one bite of everything. You found a way to try it even though you didn’t want to.”
Instead of…”Why aren’t you sharing? All these toys don’t belong to you, you know! Give your sister something and quit being so selfish.”
Try…”You didn’t want to share your toys with your sister. But you found a toy that she would like to play with and you gave it to her. That shows that you care even though sharing is hard for you.”
Instead of…”I’m so tired of fighting you at bedtime every night. You need to go to bed and quit your whining all the time.”
Try…”You didn’t want to go to bed. You wanted to stay up with mom and dad. You got all your frustrations out and then you were calm. You found a way to calm yourself even though you were really angry.”
The idea of STRENGTHs comes from Language of Listening®, the 3 part parenting framework I use.
For more on STRENGTH training, check out these posts:
- When Kids Say “I Can’t” This Is The Best Response
- The Key to Helping a Perfectionist Child Is The Opposite of What You’d Think
Strong-willed kids are amazing.
When you’re in the elevator and your kids are on the floor crying and you think you’ve failed, remember this: defiant kids are actually the best thing ever.
Your child is the one who will turn down the little blue pill at a high school party. Your child is the one who will stop a friend from drinking and driving.
And it’s your child is the one who will start a small business and grow it into a billion-dollar company. Your child is the one who will parent with patience and guidance even when she wants to hide under a tent in the master bedroom with a Reese’s.
Your strong-willed toddler is filled with greatness. You just have to find it, draw it out, and allow it to shine.
Print this free toddler listening checklist.
This post comes with a free printable checklist to help with toddler listening. I always have the hardest time remembering these phrases. This printable simplifies it!
Here is a sneak preview…
Download Your Free Printable
- Download the checklist. You’ll get the printable, plus join 37,000+ parents who receive my weekly parenting tips and ideas!
- Print. Any paper will do the trick, but card stock would be ideal.
- Place it on your refrigerator. Check things off as you go and don’t forget a thing!
Want more on parenting?
- How to Handle Back Talk and Disrespect Like a Parenting Warrior
- Two Words That Will Tame Your Child’s Tantrum – Every Time
- How to Get Your Toddler to Follow a Routine Without Reminders
- The Tantrum Taming Tip Most Parents Don’t Know About
- 7 Powerful Ways to Deal With Toddler Whining
I've created a free email series just for you! If you are struggling with teaching your child to listen, this series will help transform your parenting. Yes, really. I've seen my proven strategies work time and time again for parents. I know it can work for you too.
After taking my free email series, you will:
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Amelia
Thank you sooooo much for this article! I have an extremely strong-willed 3 yr old. And frankly though I was failing as a mother because I couldn’t figure out how to handle his tantrums. I will definitely be trying these helpful tips.
Lauren Tamm
Amelia, you are so welcome! Thanks for leaving such an encouraging comment!
MaryJ Weigandt
Wow Thank You!
I have never been so embarrassed in my life as the scenes my son can make. And yes it seems like the judgment stares are everywhere! I am a first time single mom who is an only child, so I am learning as I go. My son is so smart it shocks me still, but even at the college daycare they say he is a handful like watching 20 kids at once. He is strong willed and some days the feeling of relief once I put him to bed almost makes me feel guilty. All I want to do is be the patient super mom. THe one in many of these parenting stories you read with stay at home moms with 3+ kids, but at times I’m the screaming harpy mom. My son will leap over every line I draw. Once I get to the punishment part if I say please do not do that again or you will be put in time out. He will say put me in time out now I want you to. I say no Tristian you have not done what I told you would cause that consequence. Then he will push, act up ect until he ends up there. I am a stay at home mom , he gets plenty of attention, outside play time, we do art( I’m an artis) we have a routine so sometimes I’m truly at a loss. This article made me look at his tantrums in a better light. Although yes as an introvert I think the attention we get makes me want to hide in the bathroom…..instead of sucking it up and calmly trying to calm him down . Or when he wants a sand bucket and wears it on his head the entire time we are in target saying loudly mom I can’t see anything….those looks !! Thank you for being real, and honest because it really helps to realize we are not alone. Now I will hold my head up and smile knowing that I am raising a wonderfully willful future success!
Amanda
You mean I’m not the only one who stands in the Elevator while my child is on the floor :)…I have one of those strong willed toddlers, luckily shes generally happy, but when she wants (or doesn’t want to) something that is it. Great tips!
Lauren Tamm
Haha. No, no Amanda, you are definitely not the only one! There’s a whole community of us. Apparently, strong-willed toddlers are very prevalent 🙂
Daisy
Thanks a lot. This is amazing.
Rebecca
Thank you so very much for this page! I’m a single mom with a strong willed son. Sometimes I feel I can do no right but in reading your blog, I was in tears….happy tears! As an army vet…my sons behavior makes perfect sense.
Hels
Every time I’m at my wits end and start googling ‘how to parent a strong willed / defiant child’ I come across your advice. I have to say, it’s invaluable. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences and advice.
Octavia
I love this!
Lauren Tamm
I’m so glad! Thank you!
Colleen
This is just what I needed today. Thank you thank you thank you! I need to remind myself that she’s strong and that that’s an amazing quality.
Beverly
Forty years ago I was the parent of a strong-willed child. The only help at the time was books about winning the battle so every melt-down became WWIII. I spanked her, I said such negative things to her, I cried, but here’s the encouraging word: she grew up to be a CEO of a nonprofit organization. She had top-grades in her Master’s program and is now the mother of 2 wonderful, amazing teenagers. And she and I love each other as best friends. I would have spared myself so much grief if I would have had your great, great help! Thanks for what you are teaching all the wonderful moms out there.
Misty Martinez
Thank you for this! My daughter started tantrums young & I knew at a very young age she would be strong-willed. And I have already seen the determined nature that comes with it, the willingness to put in the work to achieve what she wants! I was wonder if you had any sources for the data you included about future outcomes?
Pamel
Much needed read! Thanks. My 3yr little girl is extremely strong willed and i. always remind myself that I’m raising a leader. Thanks for the reinforcement.
Simin
I soo needed this right now coz i m literally in tears.i hav a 3yr old girl and shes so strong willed that it feels at times its impossible to convince her..thanks for the article..xoxoxo
Lauren Tamm
You are so welcome!
Jen
Hi Lauren,
Thank you so much for sharing this info! Your entire blog/website is amazing! It’s so helpful to know I’m not the only one who has these difficulties with their child and experiences overwhelming feelings of anger, frustration, and guilt. My child is extremely strong willed and I have read endless information (& still am), taken parenting classes, and have even found myself & daughter in *gulp* counselling. Never have I seen or heard-anywhere- from anyone (mom or dad) really be so honest about these issues! (And a therapist nodding and saying uh-huh didn’t make me feel any better!) It’s refreshing and most importantly makes me feel like I’m not a failure as a parent! It’s actually very nice and encouraging the way you described a child of this temperament-a leader! I’ve not heard it put this way & it is a fantastic perspective to have! Your advice really remind me of The Nutured Heart Approach-which is fantastic & what I’m looking for! I signed up for your email (etc) to remind me of good & effective ways to deal with my child. We all need a reminder because any tips learned can go right down the toilet when stressed out… Thanks again!
Jeremy
Sometimes it takes a little nudge to get your mindset right. This is a nudge in a great direction. Thanks!
Sherry
Thanks for these benficial and inspiring tips.
Kayla Butler
What a great read and start to my day. I have 2 very strong willed children and hiding in the master bedroom is very tempting through out my day. I often feel I am not doing something right ( which is probably true) but when I read “The best moms are the moms with the screaming kids.” I felt like I just might not be messing up as bad as I thought I was. 🙂
Jeff
Spanking time
Alex
Hi Jeff I have to say I have sons, one who is 7 and then a 3 year old. I am a spanker of both my sons. But while that tactic works for my 7 year old (who has always been MUCH more docile and “easier” than my younger son) spanking does not work on my younger son. He requires a more refined method – usually redirection and distraction works well with him. Because spanking just revs his engines up more and leads to more defiance and anger.
So thank you for your comment but it’s not true or entirely helpful. Some kids are built different and everything doesn’t work on all kids.