Mom LifeInside: Do you ever feel like you’re a parent who yells too much? Try this simple (but important) step after yelling at your kids to get the cooperation you truly want.
I opened the front door of the tiny 400 square foot cabin, where we are temporarily living, walked to the back, sat at the picnic table and pulled my knees to my chest. My head buried into my knees, and all I wanted in that moment was one thing.
To hide.
My kids ages two and four sat inside. My kids. My two sweet kiddos who were looking for guidance from me. And I was hiding from them.
My hands covered my head burying it deeper into my knees, and I imagined they were wondering what happened to their mom lately.
Before I could think any longer, I heard the gravel crunching nearby and picked up my head to see what was happening.
My son stood next to me, looked up and what he said next broke my heart. “Are you angry again momma?”
Here’s the truth.
I was angry. I checked myself to be sure. Yep, definitely angry. Frustrated too.
Parenting…it can feel a little chaotic and stressful. In fact, somedays it can feel like seeing a tornado smack dab in the middle of a trailer park. Stuff is flying everywhere, it’s loud, and more than anything, you’re just trying to survive.
But did you know that when you’re stressed, your brain goes into “flight or fight” mode?
This is the reason you hear about moms either yelling at their kids (“fight”) or running to hide in the bathroom with chocolate (“flight”).
Talk about a revelation.
Repeated activation of your brain’s “fight or flight” response, tells your brain that the environment is not safe.
This is where the vicious cycle of yelling can start to take over, your connection with your kids can slowly erode, and before you blink, each small thing can start to feel like you’re fighting for your life.
Your brain is tricked into thinking…if you just yell louder you’ll win the “fight.”
It affects your kids too.
When your stress level spikes into the red and you chronically yell, there is a reaction that follows for both you and your kids. Many times this reaction is everyone feeling like they need to constantly “fight or flight.”
You start to see things like…
- More backtalk and disrespect.
- More power struggles.
- And a lot less listening and cooperation.
There’s more.
Between early childhood and puberty, the brain will start to prune its connections, which means the brain will start to eliminate connections it doesn’t need. This pruning follows the “use it or lose it” principle.
The more your kids use calm ways to solve problems, the more it strengthens or eliminates those brain connections. The more kids use fighting ways to solve problems, the more the brain strengthens or eliminates those brain connections.
There is good news.
There is good news.Something I regularly see is parents worrying that they need to be perfect. That you can’t make any mistakes. That you can’t admit that…you’re human too.
I’m not an advocate for yelling, but the hard truth is this:
No matter how hard you try, at some point, something will happen and you’re going to yell again. Everyone’s brain is pushed into “fight or flight” mode from time-to-time.
The good news is that after you yell, one important (and simple) step can change everything, and you’ll start to…
- Repair and reconnect your relationship with your child.
- Teach your kids what to do after they lose their cool.
Try this simple phrase.
My son stood next to me, looked up and said something that broke my heart. “Are you angry momma?” I paused, trying to think for a second back to Language of Listening®, the 3-part parenting framework that I use.
One of the best parts about Language of Listening® is that you don’t have to be perfect. You gain awareness, and through awareness, you can start to shift your reactions little-by-little.
I responded as honestly as possible before using one simple phrase. “Yes, I am angry. But the way I reacted…that wasn’t okay.”
Before I could say “Let’s have a do-over,” my son patted me on the shoulder and said, “You can just try again momma.”
I burst out laughing.
Because this is the beauty of Language of Listening – your kids will start to surprise you in the most amazing ways. They’ll forgive you. They’ll let you know that it’s okay that you make mistakes. They’ll let you know that you can simply try again.
Together we walked back into the house cleaned up the spilled bowl of spaghetti off the white carpet, and I said, “Let’s have a do-over!”
Then we grabbed an empty bowl, pretended it was filled to the brim with spaghetti and red sauce, and over and over again he spilled the bowl and I reacted without yelling. Then we pretended again, except this time he was extra careful not to spill the bowl. Altogether, this took less than 5 minutes.
Remember this.
Whether you run into the bathroom to hide with a chocolate bar or you dive straight into battle and yell at your kids, it doesn’t end there.
That’s the beginning.
The beginning of repairing the hurt and mending the upset. The beginning of building a bridge between your heart and the heart of your child. The beginning of starting over, trying again and confidently knowing that you can always say, “Let’s have a do-over.”
Resources for a calmer home:
- The Most Important Words You’ll Ever Say to an Upset Child
- Parenting Anger Isn’t The Problem: How to Communicate With Kids Effectively When You’re Angry
- The Most Important Thing You Can Do After You Yell at Your Kids
- 8 Ways to Get Your Kids to Listen Without Yelling
Lauren,
The things you have written about gives me hope. Your thoughts and actions are very well put together. Your children are very fortunate. If only their were more parents like you… I would like some insight for my situation if you have time.
I have custody of my now 2 3/4 year old granddaughter. I brought her home from the hospital when she was released from the NICU. I have allowed my son, her father, and her mother, his girlfriend to enteract with her on a pretty much daily basis. I have made a mistake in doing that because they argue, fight, name call, yell at her and me and are as immature as she is. If I contine to teach her proper morals and values, structure and to react to her in calm, nurturing ways. Will that overcome her learning their non excistant values and crude behavior? I am far from perfect but a fairly good role model. Its hard to ban my son from her life because he is my son. Sometimes I think I may have to do that for her well being. Any tips or advice?
Hi, Roxanna. I’m sorry you have to go through the trouble of worrying about the kind of things your grandchild might pick up from her own parents. It is true that children do pick up all the good and bad they see but fortunately, it is you who have custody over her and see more of. Here’s a tip on what my father (grandfather to my children) does to my children whenever he gets to meet them. He whispers verses of the Quran every day that he meets my children while stroking their hair and softly blowing air to their little heads. If you follow Christianity, perhaps you can find any verse you wish to teach your grandchild and do the same. At night, perhaps you can do the same and recap all the nice and kind things your grandchild has done before she goes to sleep. Some parenting experts might think this is ridiculous but I truly believe in the power of faith and kind words. Have faith in the good the child will bring to the world and God willing, she will be it. By the way, thank you so much for giving us hope with this article, Lauren!
I love this article. It is so non-judgmental and gives parents new tools. In my book, Connection Parenting, I call this process the 3 Rs of reconnection, rewind, repair, and replay. I will share this far and wide.
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Pam Leo
Thank you Pam for your comment. I’m deeply humbled and honored that you read and shared this.
Rewind, repair, replay: that is brilliant! So many times I say things quickly and have no idea they are hurtful to my daughter. She may be over-sensitive, but then that is her and she is entitled to her feelings. She can also be hurtful to me. BTW she is 37. But I know that the only way to stay committed in a relationship is to forgive and not take every comment to heart. Rewind (say it another way!) repair (say I’m sorry) and replay a better way. Thank you for that, I will use it with my grandchildren.
As I was searching for tips for nurse moms, I stumbled upon your site. Thank you for all the wonderful insights about motherhood…Im a new mom myself and new nurse at 40 and this article is so useful and appropriate for me as I am overwhelmed at times. My husband helps me a lot and I’m thankful to God for him, but there’s 2 times now I yelled at my 1 yr old son. I pray to God i will find ways to destress before taking care of him during my days off.
The post is a precious gem. I, no wait, not I, my soul was looking for it.
This made me cry I am a stay at home mother to three toddlers a 3 year old, 2 year old, and a 1 year old. You can imagine from time to time it gets crazy my oldest two seem to fight all the time done listen unless I raise my voice and it makes me feel like a awful parent. Every night I cry and ask God to help me be a better parent and I wake up trying to be but I end up raising my voice once again any tips for me and any tips to get my gets to listen to me and respect me? Tia
Hi Lauren,
Your story made me cry. I have an almost 2 year old and we are in this vicious yelling cycle. I’ve recently signed up for your Better Listening emails and they really give me hope. When my daughter is with my husband she is perfectly well behaved, but with me she seems to just be out to get me. Currently I’m struggling to get her to wear cardigans/coats in order to go out (it’s winter here in Australia)… anyways, love your post and will be following this blog from now on 🙂
A really good reminder that we’re not perfect and should acknowledge that with our children when we make mistakes. But I would go so far as to say that you should tell them, genuinely, “I’m sorry I yelled at you. That wasn’t very nice of me and it was a mistake. I will try to note do that again and to do better.” We have to be okay with telling our kids this or they will never be able to do it themselves. This is what I practice with my 4.5 year old and it works!
Thank you – this brought tears to my eyes. Loved this post.
Yeah, it’s true. We are really destroying the relationship if we simply do so on our kids. Don’t ever look down the action of “yelling”.
Especially when we are busy with some task, and need some focus, we will totally lose control. Most of the times, the kids are not intention to disturb us, but in fact they are just playing happily and naive.
Keep your post as reminder. 🙂
Wow that’s really good advice. I also didn’t know about the use it or lose it brain connections thing. I’ve never heard that before. That’s really interesting. I’ve been trying to stop myself before yelling but it still comes out sometimes. Thank you.