Inside: Learn the most important (and overlooked) reason why kids won’t listen, focus or sit still. Plus, get 25+ ways to help your kids build these important life skills.
My son climbed to the top of the monkey bars and snaked across them from above. He’s not strong enough to swing across arm-to-arm, so his solution is to catapult his legs up, pull his entire body on top of the bars, and slither across.
A mom walked up to me. “Your son’s on top of the monkey bars. Just thought I’d let you know so he doesn’t fall and get hurt.”
Shortly after, two kids walked up and said, “He’s on top of the monkey bars! He’s going to get hurt.”
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It happened in other situations, too.
When I took my two kids to a Merry-Go-Round, and let them have it as I sat on a picnic bench watching from afar, parents and kids alike voiced their concerns.
“Someone is going to break their arm over there!”
“She’s going to fall and get hurt.”
“He’s spinning, and he’s going to get sick.”
Same thing when people saw my kids hanging upside down (per their own doing) for several minutes at a time.
“All the blood is rushing to his head. It’s gonna make him sick.”
“That’s too dangerous!”
Or when people saw my kids twisting and spinning around on a swing.
“Someone is going to get their fingers pinched!”
“That’s not safe. Put your bottom on the swing.”
The bigger issue occurred — for other parents — when my kids did these things and their children wanted to join in the “dangerous” activity. This is a common thread I see at playgrounds and when talking with parents I work with through parent coaching.
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Here’s the problem: Why kids won’t listen.
Children’s ability to move and play are being restricted more than ever. We are trying to protect them by saying “No climbing,” “No running,” “No spinning,” “That’s too dangerous,” and “Get down from there!”
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However, research shows that the drastic decline in “risky” outdoor play in kids is creating behavior problems. By constantly hovering over kids, restricting their movement, and diminishing their time to play, we are causing more harm than good.
“According the to American Academy of Pediatrics (2013), a recent study show that the average child spends eight hours a day in front of screens (television, video games, computers, smart phones, and so on). Older children and adolescents are spending an average of eleven hours a day in front of screens.” (Hanscom 2016).
That’s a huge amount of time spent in front of screens, which provide little to no proprioceptive or vestibular input (which I’ll talk about in a second). In prior generations, this time was spent outdoors or in play.
This is the important part.
In order for kids to listen, focus and learn to sit still for a period of time, they must develop both proprioception and vestibular sense. The most critical time to develop a child’s proprioception and vestibular sense is before age six.
With all the time spent in front of screens and telling kids to sit still, avoid climbing, and stop jumping, it’s not surprising why kids won’t listen.
Proprioception is what tells you where your body parts are without having to look at them. This is the sense that helps you make sense of gravity. It’s the reason you can switch from the gas pedal to the brake without looking at your feet, or bring popcorn to your mouth without taking your eyes off the movie screen.
Without properly developed proprioception, kids can push too hard during tag, fall out their seat at the dinner table, or trip while walking up stairs. (You’ll see this a lot in toddlers as they develop proprioception, but you should see it less and less in kids ages four, five, six and beyond).
Vestibular sense provides information about where the body is in relation to its surroundings. This is the sense that helps you understand balance, and it connects with all the other senses.
When the vestibular system does not develop properly all other senses will struggle to function properly. Without a strong vestibular sense, kids will have no choice but to fidget, get frustrated, experience more falls and aggression, get too close to people when talking, and struggle with focusing and listening. Because they literally cannot help it.
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Helping your kids.
In order for kids to learn to listen, focus and follow directions as they grow, they need to develop proprioception and vestibular sense by experiencing many physical challenges during childhood.
Without it, kids can’t pay attention in school because they are too distracted by their own bodies. Putting clothes on, trying new foods, and finishing homework become insurmountable tasks when kids don’t have a strong vestibular sense or well-developed proprioception.
Study after study shows that kids today desperately need more physical activity. “John Ratey, an associate professor of psychiatry at Harvard, suggests that people think of exercise as medication for ADHD. Even very light physical activity improves mood and cognitive performance by triggering the brain to release dopamine and serotonin, similar to the way that stimulant medications like Adderall do.” (source)
Angela J. Hanscom, author of Balanced and Barefoot and pediatric occupational therapist, recommends getting your kids outside as much as possible. Ideally, kids of all ages should get at least three hours of free outdoor play daily.
While I’m not certain if her age-based recommended times are realistic or not, they are as follows:
- Toddlers → At least five to eight hours of active play per day, preferably outdoors
- Preschoolers → At least five to eight hours of active play per day, preferably outdoors.
- School age → At least four to five hours of physical activity and outdoor play.
- Adolescents → Physical activity three to four hours a day.
Here are a few ways to support your child’s vestibular sense:
- Spinning in circles.
- Using a Merry-Go-Round.
- Rolling down a hill.
- Spinning on a swing.
- Going upside down.
- Climbing trees.
- Rocking.
- Jumping rope.
- Summersaults or cartwheels.
- Using monkey bars.
- Skating.
- Going backwards.
- Swimming.
- Dancing.
- Wheel-barrel walks.
Here are a few ways to support your child’s proprioceptive input:
- Carrying or lifting boxes.
- Pushing or pulling a wagon.
- Build a fort.
- Rake leaves.
- Shovel snow.
- Pick up and put down heavy sticks.
- Dig in the dirt.
- Carry buckets of sand or water.
- Give hugs.
- Knead playdoh
- Jump on a trampoline.
- Chewing on something
- Squeezing a stress ball
- Playing Tug-O-War with a stretchy band
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Let the kids live “dangerously.”
As a parent, there are many times I’ve cringed and closed my eyes to avoid watching my child spin in circles, slither across the monkey bars or swing high into the air. It’s only natural to worry that something will happen.
But the truth is kids know what they need. Children with healthy neurological systems naturally seek out the sensory input they need on their own. They do this without thinking about it.
When they jump, swing, spin, pick up rocks or dig in the dirt, kids are doing exactly what they need. They aren’t intentionally doing it to get hurt, act rambunctiously, worry you or get messy.
They are doing it to help themselves become safer, calmer and happier kids.
Like Dr. Tina Bryson says, “You can trust development.” Her words have never been more true.
Download your free printable.
Chances are you won’t remember all the ways to support your child’s vestibular and proprioceptive development. This printable simplifies it!
Here’s a sneak preview…
- Download the checklist. Join 37,000+ parents who receive my weekly-ish tips and ideas and get the printable delivered straight to you inbox.
- Print. Any paper will do the trick, but cardstock would be ideal.
- Place it on your refrigerator. Check off the things as you go and don’t forget a thing!
Many of these ideas come from a life-changing parenting book called Balanced and Barefoot: How Unrestricted Outdoor Play Makes for Strong, Confident and Capable Children.
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Letha Marchetti
Good for you, getting the plain truth out!
I wrote a fun, short, informative book on this that goes into a little more depth. If you want more info, check out
Dragons & Daisies: Keys to resolve Baffling Behavior in Early Childhood Education
Bruce Meyer
My ready-to-rule-the-world 6 year old grandson was safely at home one day, under the semi-watchful care of high school age siblings. When his father came home, the father found his young son running in large circles in their large back yard, no shirt, light snow falling, and as happy as can be.
Sandra Felici
Great for letting all the kids play outside all the many hours that you said but on the other hand the parent is neglecting the child when he sees he could fall from something there’s nothing wrong with telling him to get down or stop you can go on to do something else doesn’t make sense to me makes sense to me not so much TV and Electronics I agree totally but the rest I don’t Why would I want to watch my child get hurt if I could prevent it when there’s other things they could do old-school mom
Linda Morehouse
As a 72 yo former mother and now grandmother, I agree 100% with this article. And I didn’t need the studies as my kids were growing up!
I always knew what my kids were doing and where they were. But they were rarely aware of me. They needed the space and the time to grow up. The only times I would intervene would be if there was truly a problem or a fight between kids or any kind of bullying. And they were disciplined if they misbehaved or did not follow the rules.
My theory of parenting was that I was in charge of getting these kids to become independent functioning adults so I gave them every conceivable opportunity to try any and everything. They were required to do their own laundry at age 6. (Supervised, of course!) A six-year-old loves doing laundry. They would put the clothes in, the soap in, climb up and turn the knobs on and shut the lid. When the laundry finished, they would get to put it in the dryer. When dry, they would get to put their clothes away. Guess what? At age ten they had no excuse for not doing their own laundry!
Boys are especially needy of activity. They are wired to be active. They actually learn while they move. If you want to have an important conversation with your son, ask him to accompany you on a walk. He will listen and remember it far better than if you sat him down.
As a parent, we are not there to make our children into our pre-defined image of what they should be. We need to watch and observe them and facilitate the growth of the moment. And kids learn more in the first five years of life than all of the time after that!
Mary kroon
Five to eight hours a day of play outdoors. Right now it’s 30 degrees in Minnesota, I wouldn’t let a toddler play more than an hour outside in our temperatures. I think what’s important is to limit screen time, encourage crafts,games, books,building toys.
Jackie
Excellent read and so educational! I have 4 kids (ages 7yr to 6mo) and I love learning how to be a better parent to them and their growth.
Question: if proprioception and vestibular sense aren’t fully developed by the ages youre saying and we are seeing the negative impacts, what can we do to counteract these impacts? I think I already know the answer but I want to be sure. ?
Roxann Ross
I am hoping you may be able to help me in a somewhat different situation. I run a daycare center and my philosophy is different than most centers. I encourage our children to run, jump, tumble, rough house, climb…….all the things that now are being discouraged in most centers due to liability. We have a wonderful large indoor space where this can take place…it is not a gymnasium but a large room with lots of climbing equipment and space to run I know about all the recommendations regarding outdoor play and we do that in the summer and warmer weather all the time but during the winter months there is no way the toddlers and sometimes even preschoolers can move like this outdoors in the snow and cold. Even our Pre-K children, given the choice in the winter would prefer to use the large motor area to outdoor play. I know this sounds silly but I am a fresh air freak and we have large windows and I have the windows open and sometimes it is really chilly inside but with the kids running and playing they could care less. How do I communicate to parents the importance of this play?? They all want their kids outside but the State requirements are 20 to 30 minutes per day……..that is it. When I allow my children to play in our large motor area they may literally get at least 2 1/2 to 3 hours per day to participate in this activity. And what kind of suggestions do you have for outdoor play….we are in a rather small fenced in area. I am a dinosaur in the age of what kind of physical activity I allow…..and I share this with my parents when I interview them……..letting them know we encourage active “dangerous by today’s standards” play. I just would love to hear your input. My center is licensed for 40 children but we work with between 32 -36 full time….and if you remove the infants from this number we are probably talking about physical activity for 28 to 30 kids. Thanks so much
Michele Rogers,
“However, research shows that the drastic decline in “risky” outdoor play in kids is creating behavior problems”
Can you provide that research? I agree with most of what you wrote but I think it is a big stretch to correlate allowing “risky” play with “creating” behavior problems. We adults must still teach our young children awareness of danger and scaffold their development with appropriate activities. Sensory seeking behaviors are complex. Your article could be construed as “permission” to let kids do whatever they want, perhaps even before they have the cognition to make sound choices. Adult supervision *is* important — balanced with encouragement and freedom to try new and challenging things.
Michele Rogers, PhD; CDC Ambassador—-Learn The Signs, Act Early (https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/actearly/index.html
Lauren Tamm
Michelle, Thanks for your honest and thoughtful comment. Absolutely, adult supervision *is* important. To me, it’s really about looking at the child’s age and development level and deciding when it’s okay to take a step back and watch from 10, 20, 50 or more feet away. Parents have the judgment piece, kids are learning, but they need guidance. It’s a balance that is often not a simple answer. You have to look at the child – as you said “teach our young children awareness of danger and scaffold their development with appropriate activities.” I 100% agree. For a detailed list of citations, I highly recommend grabbing a copy of Angela’s book, which is filled with citations.