Scanning the rows of pregnancy tests, I was trying to decide which one to buy.
But all I could think of is meeting my friend’s 6-month-old baby just a week before. When my friend handed her baby to me, the baby started crying. Nothing I did calmed him down.
How can I be a mom? I wondered.
I grabbed a test and went to pay, feeling like everyone was staring at me. Like they knew.
I was shaking in my boots. Literally. I had never been so nervous in my life. Wondering what the answer to the test would be, I thought about how it would change our lives forever. I thought about what I would do if the test was positive.
It wasn’t long before I had my answer…
We were pregnant.
It was a good thing and all, but secretly, I was terrified. I had no clue how to take care of a baby. I wasn’t very good with kids. You know those people who meet kids and instantly connect with them? Yeah, that was never me.
So from the early weeks of pregnancy all the way to the birth, I was nervous, scared, and a little bit excited all at the same time. If that sounds normal to you, it is.
What I didn’t expect, is people always asking me if I was excited. For 9 months, it was the default question said by nearly everyone: “Are you excited?” It went right along with the series of questions that usually went something like this:
“When are you due?”
“Do you know what it is?”
“Is this your first?”
“Are you excited?”
BAM—the four question series that everyone asks the pregnant lady. I honestly never really knew how to answer “Are you excited?” There were many days when I felt excited, but there were also days when I felt nervous, scared, happy, curious, and of course, ridiculously unsure of myself.
I. Knew. Nothing.
But when the question came up, I politely lied and just said, “Yes.”
“Yes, I’m excited. I’m thrilled. Can’t wait.”
Lies, lies, lies.
I hid behind the word yes, and prayed they didn’t ask another single question. I said yes because I didn’t want to tell a complete stranger the real truth, which involved a slightly more in-depth question and answer session.
Because what kind of mother would I be if I admitted that I was only excited sometimes? Or maybe I wasn’t even sure if I was excited? Funny enough, I did contemplate answering in the most ridiculous way possible.
I wondered what would happen if I said crazy stuff like…
“I hate babies.”
“I’m really depressed about it actually.”
“I’m as far from excited as you can get.”
Nah. Ha. Ha. That WOULD be ridiculous, and it would probably scare people too! Or maybe even make them contemplate calling a social worker on my behalf. I dreamed of responding to the dreaded excited question with those phrases, thinking about what people would say in response. I never responded that way, figuring those were just the pregnancy hormones talking. Instead when asked, I simply responded to the default question with a default answer.
“Yes, I am excited.”
So I guess what I am saying is, please stop asking pregnant women, “Are you excited?” Some moms are excited; others, don’t know what to feel. That’s okay. It’s normal.
If only one person asked, “Are you excited?” it would probably be fine. But when it’s asked all the time with every new conversation, day in and day out, the pressure builds. The question starts to create a pressure around pregnancy and new motherhood—one of the biggest life changes ever. It can make a mom question and wonder if she is excited enough. It can even make a mom feel tired of being excited at all.
Maybe there’s a better question to ask…
“How is your pregnancy going?”
“How do you feel about being a mom?”
“What do you think about pregnancy the most?”
Or maybe skip the questions altogether, and simply say…
“You are going to be an amazing mom to that baby.”
“And by the way, you look amazing!”
Because while every mom feels different about her pregnancy, every mom needs a little bit lot of encouragement and support. Every mom needs someone to tell her she’s gonna rock this motherhood thing. Every mom needs someone to tell her that she looks really awesome and fabulous and glowing and maybe even throw in a “darn amazing” every now and again.
Some moms are filled with more self-doubt and mixed emotions than you’ll ever know. Even the smallest compliment can help a mom feel less nervous, less scared and less unsure about a new baby that is soon to arrive.
Heck…a compliment might even help a mom feel pretty darn excited.
And that would be amazing.
Want more on motherhood?
- Why Every Great Mom Fills Her Cup First
- Making Peace with Becoming a Stay-at-Home Mom
- Best Essential Oil Uses for Tired and Stressed Moms
What do you think of the phrase, “Are you excited?” I’d love to hear your thoughts! Let’s chat in the comments.
I've created a free email series just for you!
If you are struggling with feeling happy in motherhood, let me help you streamline your family's daily routines so you can enjoy your family life without the stress. Yes, really. I've seen my routines work time and time again for parents. I know it can work for you too.
This free email series will help you:
- Free sample routines for your child
- Best morning routine tips and tricks your kids will actually follow
- All-time favorite parenting hacks for getting more cooperation at bedtime
- Step-by-step guide for using a printable daily schedule with kids
ldskatelyn
Such a great post. I remember being this asked this. And it is a bit of a silly question. Really it’s kind of silly in any situation other than if the person is going to DisneyLand or a cruise or something that is pretty much guaranteed to be actually exciting. I’m not sure what people are thinking expecting mothers will be so excited about – surviving the pregnancy symptoms and all its awesomeness? giving birth? sleepless night? Of course they assume you are excited to be a mother (esp for the first time), but that’s not really the best word to describe what being a mother will feel like, as it’s more of a long-term event, rather than some trip to beach.
And when people would ask me, I usually am more honest. I say something more like “Yes and no.” Of course, the first time around I was having twins, so it really was a yes and no. Excited to be a new mom, and to have two cute kids, but terrified, scared, and nervous about HAVING TWO KIDS!
And, I always, always, always, think the best thing you can say to a pregnant woman is that she looks amazing. 😀 Or that pregnancy looks good on her, or that’s she radiant/glowing. Or simply wish her the best of luck with her pregnancy, birth, baby! Cause that’s usually what they want to hear too!
Lauren Tamm
I love that idea…yeah, it would be a great question to ask if I were going to DisneyLand. Pahaha. I was honest sometimes, but when you don’t know someone very well, I didn’t always have time to get into the conversation. And yeah, people should say you look amazing. Why don’t people know that 😉
Lauren
sara
AMEN!! I am one day overdue and can’t stand being asked these questions anymore!
Lauren Tamm
Totally get it. Relate on every level.
Allison Lachaine-Theriault
I’m a nurse as well and my unit is comprised of all women. Even thought many have been through pregnancy themselves I found them to be almost critical during my pregnancy. They loved to nit pick at me or they would almost become jealous if they viewed my pregnancy as better then theirs. “You’ve only gained X amount of pounds?!, well aren’t you so luck I gained twice as much”.
I agree with ldskatelyn, pay an expectant mother tons of compliments and leave it at that. They have enough to worry over and don’t need the added stress that comes from missed placed side comments.
Lauren Tamm
Seriously work was the hardest part for me. My unit was nearly 100% women as well. I also feel like the same people kept asking the same questions repeatedly. Meaning the couldn’t remember when I was due or if I was excited (ha) so they would ask again and again. Let’s just let pregnant women know they are awesome and leave it at that 🙂
triciathegoodmama
Okay, I’m probably guilty of asking, “Are you excited?” to another pregnant lady. I think people are just excited themselves and run out of things to say/ask. I really didn’t mind that question so much because I was truly excited. Yes I was nervous and all that, but I was definitely excited. I think the big question that was asked to me the most was, “How are you feeling?” Ultimately, I think it’s difficult to know what to say to a pregnant women. I like your suggestions. I usually make sure to tell the soon to be moms that they look wonderful.
Lauren Tamm
I totally get that. Most moms are really excited. Ha. And of course I was excited a bit, but I still felt a little overwhelmed with all the questions and started to feel like I wasn’t excited enough.
Elizabeth
Love the idea of paying a compliment or asking an open ended question – not just yes or no. Being pregnant is difficult and not all women have the same feelings about it. Even though we struggled and yearned to get pregnant for a long time, it was still a major adjustment and I was afraid to tell people (because frankly, people think they can ask the most ridiculous questions to a pregnant lady…still don’t get that!). Very thoughtful post, Lauren. Thanks for sharing.
Amanda Arthurs
Thank you writing this post, Since telling people I’m pregnant I’m pregnant I’ve been hit with a million different questions, most of which drive me and my husband a bit crazy, since finding out we’re having a boy I keep getting asked if I was disappointed that it wasn’t a girl? and if my husband is excited to get a son? the response we’ve been giving is that we’re just happy to be having a healthy boy (which is the truth).
Lauren Tamm
Yes!! People say the strangest things sometimes without realizing it. Hang in there!
Athena
I was just asked “Are you excited?” yesterday and my immediate internal response was “no”. My actual response was “Yes, I’m excited. Why wouldn’t I be?” That shut her up fast.
I hate that question. It is more of a judgement than a question.
People like to put you on the spot when you are putting your neck out there. It is creepy.
manda
Always hate this question. Always want to be brutally honest: “No, actually, today I’m particularly depressed about it, thank you.” Haha. 🙂 Grateful to be at the end of my 9 months, and actually BEING excited for the first time! And grateful for a God and a husband who truly understand, and do not expect me to act “excited” if I’m not! *steps off soapbox*
Cynthia Simmons
Thanks for your sharing. I know that feeling. Everyone always keep asking. It is uncomfortable when I must response too much like that