Mom LifeScanning the rows of pregnancy tests, I was trying to decide which one to buy.
But all I could think of is meeting my friend’s 6-month-old baby just a week before. When my friend handed her baby to me, the baby started crying. Nothing I did calmed him down.
How can I be a mom? I wondered.
I grabbed a test and went to pay, feeling like everyone was staring at me. Like they knew.
I was shaking in my boots. Literally. I had never been so nervous in my life. Wondering what the answer to the test would be, I thought about how it would change our lives forever. I thought about what I would do if the test was positive.
It wasn’t long before I had my answer…
We were pregnant.
It was a good thing and all, but secretly, I was terrified. I had no clue how to take care of a baby. I wasn’t very good with kids. You know those people who meet kids and instantly connect with them? Yeah, that was never me.
So from the early weeks of pregnancy all the way to the birth, I was nervous, scared, and a little bit excited all at the same time. If that sounds normal to you, it is.
What I didn’t expect, is people always asking me if I was excited. For 9 months, it was the default question said by nearly everyone: “Are you excited?” It went right along with the series of questions that usually went something like this:
“When are you due?”
“Do you know what it is?”
“Is this your first?”
“Are you excited?”
BAM—the four question series that everyone asks the pregnant lady. I honestly never really knew how to answer “Are you excited?” There were many days when I felt excited, but there were also days when I felt nervous, scared, happy, curious, and of course, ridiculously unsure of myself.
I. Knew. Nothing.
But when the question came up, I politely lied and just said, “Yes.”
“Yes, I’m excited. I’m thrilled. Can’t wait.”
Lies, lies, lies.
I hid behind the word yes, and prayed they didn’t ask another single question. I said yes because I didn’t want to tell a complete stranger the real truth, which involved a slightly more in-depth question and answer session.
Because what kind of mother would I be if I admitted that I was only excited sometimes? Or maybe I wasn’t even sure if I was excited? Funny enough, I did contemplate answering in the most ridiculous way possible.
I wondered what would happen if I said crazy stuff like…
“I hate babies.”
“I’m really depressed about it actually.”
“I’m as far from excited as you can get.”
Nah. Ha. Ha. That WOULD be ridiculous, and it would probably scare people too! Or maybe even make them contemplate calling a social worker on my behalf. I dreamed of responding to the dreaded excited question with those phrases, thinking about what people would say in response. I never responded that way, figuring those were just the pregnancy hormones talking. Instead when asked, I simply responded to the default question with a default answer.
“Yes, I am excited.”
So I guess what I am saying is, please stop asking pregnant women, “Are you excited?” Some moms are excited; others, don’t know what to feel. That’s okay. It’s normal.
If only one person asked, “Are you excited?” it would probably be fine. But when it’s asked all the time with every new conversation, day in and day out, the pressure builds. The question starts to create a pressure around pregnancy and new motherhood—one of the biggest life changes ever. It can make a mom question and wonder if she is excited enough. It can even make a mom feel tired of being excited at all.
Maybe there’s a better question to ask…
“How is your pregnancy going?”
“How do you feel about being a mom?”
“What do you think about pregnancy the most?”
Or maybe skip the questions altogether, and simply say…
“You are going to be an amazing mom to that baby.”
“And by the way, you look amazing!”
Because while every mom feels different about her pregnancy, every mom needs a little bit lot of encouragement and support. Every mom needs someone to tell her she’s gonna rock this motherhood thing. Every mom needs someone to tell her that she looks really awesome and fabulous and glowing and maybe even throw in a “darn amazing” every now and again.
Some moms are filled with more self-doubt and mixed emotions than you’ll ever know. Even the smallest compliment can help a mom feel less nervous, less scared and less unsure about a new baby that is soon to arrive.
Heck…a compliment might even help a mom feel pretty darn excited.
And that would be amazing.
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I’m 32 weeks. I agree. I don’t know how to answer the “are you excited?”. Yes. To some degree. Terrified. Nervous. Hopeful. It’s a wide mix of things.
I also hate the constant need to give advice in a non-constructive critical manner. A few members have been very critical of our pets anyway and are more so with the baby on the way. (They were critical of our 144 lb Newf/Berner anyway. To the point where I can’t bring him up without hearing about how big he is.). Recently they questioned our introducing baby to pets. This is a fine question to ask IF you do so in a non-critical manner. The way to approach it is if you want to ask do so, let me tell you, and leave it at that. Instead I was drilled and no matter what I said (according to vet and trainers we’re doing ALL the right things) they’d made up their minds and even though they didn’t flat out say it the overall undertone was a “you should just get rid of the animals.” No-never-mind that they’ve already had exposure to children under six months and we’re training them daily playing house with a doll and baby noises.
It really bothers me that people feel the need to just be critical and can’t just be supportive. It’s my first baby. There’s a lot on my mind. I’m excited, sure but I’m also terrified and stressed. I have enough to deal with already and don’t need you to make me question my every move. I’m already doing that. Instead, try encouragement and civil discourse. “I read that ‘A’ is supposed to help with sleep. What’s your take on that?” You can even throw in a quick “I did this and that worked with my kids.” I’ll accept that because, hey, I may be up at 3am desperate for something to calm this kid. If it works, awesome! If not, well that’s my kid.
Sorry for the rant. Just highly stressed with a lot coming in from all directions. Thanks for the wonderful article!
You are so welcome. Thanks for sharing a bit about your experience. I think parenting is filled with a lot of advice from everyone else…lol. And at the end of the day, I say, do what works for you!