I’m probably the last person who wants to make a distinction between parenting toddler boys versus girls. There are too many gender stereotypes that create foreshadowing in life.
Boys play with trucks. Girls play with dolls.
Boys wear blue. Girls wear pink.
Boys are rough. Girls are gentle.
Sometimes we use these stereotypes to explain why kids are the way they are (when in reality every kid is a unique individual).
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Sometimes we even use these stereotypes to inadvertently mold our children into them, which is the main reason I think we are all pushing for more gender neutral toys and trying our darnedest not to influence what a kid likes or doesn’t like.
I get it.
I tried long and hard to avoid listening to the phrase, “Oh, he’s such a boy.”
But….
If you parent a toddler boy for long enough, you start to realize that there are a few things that are awfully boyish about boys. You hear it time and time again over the years—“Oh, he’s ALL boy.”
And I what finally decided to do was this — embrace the stereotypical boy characteristics and go with it.
Embrace the climb.
I gave up trying to prevent my toddler boy from climbing on things that were slightly risky. We go to the beach, and I let him climb on rocks that other parents might gasp at.
I let him stand on toys and stools to reach things higher up.
I let him climb atop the the playground equipment, trees and dirt piles that are perceived as “beyond his age”, and I stand by to see if he needs me.
Embrace the jump, throw and wrestle…
I let him jump on the bed and bounce around. I started letting him hop off curbs and picnic benches and playground equipment.
We even throw balls in the house. We try to keep it within reason, but indoor hockey, soccer and catch are not entirely off limits in our home.
Roughhousing with kids is a great way to release energy and build a physical connection and emotional bond with your child. We embrace the roughhousing and wrestling around here.
Related:
- Two Words That Will Tame Temper Tantrums – Every Time
- The Ultimate Morning and Bedtime Routine Chart That Keeps Boys On Task
Why embrace it all?
This is actually something Clare Caro put beautifully into words when she talked about schemas recently.
I had no idea what they were until she explained that “it’s really a fancy word for the urges that children have to do things like climb, throw things and hide in small places.“
In her post, Schemas in Children’s Play, she shares all the different urges children have and how to nurture them. I decided to give it a whirl.
Three things happened.
Part of what you learn is that embracing the urges—in a safe and responsible way—is vital towards helping our children thrive. These impulsive actions help children learn and understand the world around them.
1. He learned what climbing, jumping, throwing, and wrestling actually felt like.
He learned what those experiences actually involved. Allowing him to just go ahead, have at it, and experience those things quelled his urge to attempt them incessantly.
2. He learned the cause and effect of those actions.
He learned that when you jump from too high, you can fall and it hurts. Again, I let him fall down within reason. Bumps, bruises and scraps are part of our everyday home life. If true risk is present, he is coached towards how to make a safer choice or how to keep his body safe.
3. He became safer.
He developed his own watchful eye for which type of climb was safe and which type was too high or dangerous. More often than not, child will set exactly the right level of challenge for themselves. Kids aren’t able to make a safety judgment call correctly all the time.
But more and more, if you trust your kids, they will show you the right level of challenge for themselves. Often he is able to make better judgment calls when it comes to safety.
Read: How to Teach Kids to Stay Safe in Unsafe Situations
That’s the thing about parenting toddler boys.
No matter how hard you try, your child is who they are. The primal urge to do many things stereotypical of the boys is a hard one to avoid. There’s nothing wrong with simply embracing it.
But I will share one secret with you…
We also bought him a doll.
And helped him learn to give his baby a hug and a kiss and to be gentle.
Just to balance things out a bit.
He loves that baby doll almost as much as he loves climbing and jumping.
Almost.
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Catherine
I so totally agree with this! Children have to explore and try and test out to LEARN how to do things! I cringe when I hear a parent say “don’t run! you could fall!” – that’s exactly what will happen if they don’t learn how/when/where to do things safely. Let them climb stools, boxes, trees. Let them fall/get stuck/get nervous even, and BE THERE for them to help them. Unless the situation is dangerous, I try to verbally assist my children into getting down/out of situations instead of “rescuing” them. I believe that’s how they will learn to be confident in their abilities.
Lauren Tamm
Yes, exactly. I love your perspective! I think we do play a huge role in helping our kids learn to feel confident in their abilities. Great tips!
Heather
I completely agree with all of this, but I’m having some problems with the rough housing. I have 2 nephews, one that I babysit all day and the other is in school so I have him a lot on weekends. They have both been banned from wrestling anywhere! The oldest couldn’t stop doing it, he was getting in trouble at school for wrestling there. I believe boys should rough house. Do you have any suggestions for a problem like this?
Lauren Tamm
It sounds like there is a physical need your child has and he is trying to meet it. All children will continue to communicate until they feel heard and this includes non-verbal communication. The boys may need another outlet for physical activity…a sport before or after school. More roughhousing at home. Playground time. Etc to help get fulfill their need to release physical energy out. They may also have emotional needs that are merely manifesting as a need to wrestle all the time to blow off steam. A great resource for talking to kids about their feelings and emotional needs is Language of Listening.
Cheers,
Lauren
Dana
Wow what a great idea to use the doll to teach gentleness!
Leah
Thank you. I have a 21 month old that is all about climbing and wanting to hide. He is right now coming out of his pinching phase into a smacking hitting phase that has me worried about his aggression. I try to tell myself he’s a boy and when his pinching was at it’s worst I’ll admit I was really worried. But since then it has started to decline almost as fast as it started. He gives kisses and hugs more than any child I’ve ever known but he gets frustrated easily. He’s a happy child but has trouble communicating right now what he wants. This post made me feel better because I would often compare him to other children, He’s more energetic than most but we try to keep up! His brother is due 8/31/16. I have started to embrace the wrestling and climbing. He has reacted by showing me more affection and inviting me for play more often than before. Now, to go buy a doll. Thank you.
Lauren Tamm
Haha. Yes, buy the dolly. I also have several posts on aggressive behavior and I can share them here for you. Our son was a HORRIBLE biter for an entire year. I mean, it was pure insanity. And now, he is the kindest boy you will meet. https://themilitarywifeandmom.com/get-better-toddler-behavior/, https://themilitarywifeandmom.com/how-to-get-your-toddler-to-stop-biting-when-nothing-works/, this is a round up of articles… https://themilitarywifeandmom.com/15-best-ways-to-manage-aggressive-behavior-in-toddlers/. Hope this helps, Leah!
Natasha George
I love this! I have to say though; I have a 4 year old son and 6 year old daughter and what you have described here is my daughter as well. She was like that from day 1; she is actually more daring and fearless than her brother. She is the little girl in fairy dresses climbing up trees and adorning dresses stained with paint and sorts of other unidentifiable things!
Lauren Tamm
Yes! I would agree these ideas are easily applied to little girls too!
Amanda
My first born was a boy and I had little experience with what that entailed outside a daycare setting. His first year I was constantly trying to “protect” him from things that could bring him into contact with germs, dirt, ouchies, and what not. By his second birthday we moved back home to be closer to my side of the family and after a week or so my mother shouted at me “Would you just let him be a boy!?” After she mellowed out she explained to me exactly what you posted here and it has done our family a world of good. That dosnt mean I didn’t have a melt down when he tried to eat a piece of dog poop or dipped his hands in the toilet bowl and tried to lick them, but I understand him a lot more now. Also I know he is learning his limits a lot better than I could ever teach him.
Lauren Tamm
Oh Amanda, I laughed so much when you were upset at him eating dog poop. Not because I was laughing at you but because I related so much to what you were saying. It was hard for me too! Thanks for leaving an awesome comment with a fun story.
Allison
I’m always very cautious about these articles. My son is gentle, he does prefer trucks to dolls, but he doesn’t care whether it was a truck or a pram, as long as he
can push it. He hates sport, but is very curious about everything. Favourite colour as a toddler was rainbow, and every single picture he drew had to have one. Second favourite colour was pink.
My oldest daughter doesn’t stop moving, loves sport, favourite colours blue & green. Only interested in dolls when playing with her younger sister. Loves animals and sport.
I absolutely hate it when I hear people say “Boys will be boys”, pink for girls, blue for boys. Especially now I have my blue girl & pink boy. I’ve also got a very pink girl.
Amy
I have boy/girl twins, 20-month-olds. The girl is even more physical than the boy, though he is all over the place too. They both LOVE climbing on things, getting up high, and she especially loves jumping. If I had the room for a trampoline, that would be the perfect gift! She is incredibly strong and agile. I noticed that he loves to hide inside things and do things like burrow into pillows more than she does. The only stereotypical thing is I noticed is that he hits, bites, pulls/pushes and head butts more than she does – is generally rougher with other people. I think this urge to be very physical is innate in all children, just more obvious in some than others because of their temperament (some babies put most of their energy into scooting around, and trying to crawl early to explore their environment rather than sit and look around, pay more attention to sounds, etc.), not gender. Unfortunately I am sure plenty of baby girls are discouraged from being too physically daring from the time they try to walk on. Such a shame. What’s most important is that you observe your baby/child and see what they are naturally interested in, supporting that to grow their confidence and subtlety helping them with what doesn’t come naturally to them.
Amy
I have boy/girl twins, 20-month-olds. The girl is even more physical than the boy, though he is all over the place too. They both LOVE climbing on things, getting up high, and she especially loves jumping. If I had the room for a trampoline, that would be the perfect gift! She is incredibly strong and agile. I noticed that he loves to hide inside things and do things like burrow into pillows more than she does. The only stereotypical thing is I noticed is that he hits, bites, pulls/pushes and head butts more than she does – is generally rougher with other people. I think this urge to be very physical is innate in all children, just more obvious in some than others because of their temperament (some babies put most of their energy into scooting around, and trying to crawl early to explore their environment rather than sit and look around, pay more attention to sounds, etc.), not gender. Unfortunately I am sure plenty of baby girls are discouraged from being too physically daring from the time they try to walk. Such a shame. What’s most important is that you observe your baby/child with an open mind and see what they are naturally interested in, supporting that to grow their confidence and subtlety helping them with what doesn’t come naturally to them.
Sudie
Oh, thank God I’m not the only one! My son climbs and explores everything. Love this post!