I’m probably the last person who wants to make a distinction between parenting toddler boys versus girls. There are too many gender stereotypes that create foreshadowing in life.
Boys play with trucks. Girls play with dolls.
Boys wear blue. Girls wear pink.
Boys are rough. Girls are gentle.
Sometimes we use these stereotypes to explain why kids are the way they are (when in reality every kid is a unique individual).
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Sometimes we even use these stereotypes to inadvertently mold our children into them, which is the main reason I think we are all pushing for more gender neutral toys and trying our darnedest not to influence what a kid likes or doesn’t like.
I get it.
I tried long and hard to avoid listening to the phrase, “Oh, he’s such a boy.”
But….
If you parent a toddler boy for long enough, you start to realize that there are a few things that are awfully boyish about boys. You hear it time and time again over the years—“Oh, he’s ALL boy.”
And I what finally decided to do was this — embrace the stereotypical boy characteristics and go with it.
Embrace the climb.
I gave up trying to prevent my toddler boy from climbing on things that were slightly risky. We go to the beach, and I let him climb on rocks that other parents might gasp at.
I let him stand on toys and stools to reach things higher up.
I let him climb atop the the playground equipment, trees and dirt piles that are perceived as “beyond his age”, and I stand by to see if he needs me.
Embrace the jump, throw and wrestle…
I let him jump on the bed and bounce around. I started letting him hop off curbs and picnic benches and playground equipment.
We even throw balls in the house. We try to keep it within reason, but indoor hockey, soccer and catch are not entirely off limits in our home.
Roughhousing with kids is a great way to release energy and build a physical connection and emotional bond with your child. We embrace the roughhousing and wrestling around here.
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Why embrace it all?
This is actually something Clare Caro put beautifully into words when she talked about schemas recently.
I had no idea what they were until she explained that “it’s really a fancy word for the urges that children have to do things like climb, throw things and hide in small places.“
In her post, Schemas in Children’s Play, she shares all the different urges children have and how to nurture them. I decided to give it a whirl.
Three things happened.
Part of what you learn is that embracing the urges—in a safe and responsible way—is vital towards helping our children thrive. These impulsive actions help children learn and understand the world around them.
1. He learned what climbing, jumping, throwing, and wrestling actually felt like.
He learned what those experiences actually involved. Allowing him to just go ahead, have at it, and experience those things quelled his urge to attempt them incessantly.
2. He learned the cause and effect of those actions.
He learned that when you jump from too high, you can fall and it hurts. Again, I let him fall down within reason. Bumps, bruises and scraps are part of our everyday home life. If true risk is present, he is coached towards how to make a safer choice or how to keep his body safe.
3. He became safer.
He developed his own watchful eye for which type of climb was safe and which type was too high or dangerous. More often than not, child will set exactly the right level of challenge for themselves. Kids aren’t able to make a safety judgment call correctly all the time.
But more and more, if you trust your kids, they will show you the right level of challenge for themselves. Often he is able to make better judgment calls when it comes to safety.
Read: How to Teach Kids to Stay Safe in Unsafe Situations
That’s the thing about parenting toddler boys.
No matter how hard you try, your child is who they are. The primal urge to do many things stereotypical of the boys is a hard one to avoid. There’s nothing wrong with simply embracing it.
But I will share one secret with you…
We also bought him a doll.
And helped him learn to give his baby a hug and a kiss and to be gentle.
Just to balance things out a bit.
He loves that baby doll almost as much as he loves climbing and jumping.
Almost.
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Kathryn H.
“He actually became safer. He developed his own watchful eye for which type of climb was safe and which type was too high or dangerous. He isn’t able to make a safety judgment call correctly all the time. But more and more often his is able to make better judgment calls when it comes to safety.”
I’m not a parent, but I think you really hit the nail on the head here. When parents allow kids to learn within safe limits, they gradually develop skills, abilities, and a sense of judgment as they grow. I think that makes the process of maturation a lot more normal, incremental, and effortless to the child. Growing up, I don’t think I realized how much my mom was creating parameters within which I could learn safely. She let me try things, but she was watching closely, too. I can see the benefits now, looking back.
Lauren Tamm
Thanks–as always–for your encouraging words! I often look back on my own childhood to gain perspective on my own parenting. And really, it wasn’t until now that I realized how much my parents tried to instill important values during my childhood. Thanks for reading!
Kelly
I love this post! I have three boys and it is so true they just naturally need and want to climb, wrestle, play trucks trains and cars, jump, run, and just be boys! I have always believed in exposure to everything though. Like you I bought my son a doll and all three boys have loved that baby. One of the most popular toys we’ve had is a stroller which has pushed stuffed animals, dinosaurs and trucks around the block! They play dress up as princesses at friends house and love it. And when I paint my nails I am happy to paint theirs if they ask. Boys will be boys but there’s nothing wrong with nurturing their sensitive ‘girl’ sides either hopefully they grow into understanding kind young gentlemen! (This mom can only hope!) thank you for this article I love it!
Marie
So very true! A lot of people look at me shocked when I let my kids fall over or let them struggle on the playground. As per say in the article, all within reasons, but I don’t rush over every time they encounter an obstacle. Most of the time, they work it out on their own, sometimes with a little guidance
mary Vance Havens
totally agree, but what wasn’t mentioned is Girls shoulld follow in the same way and our Girls wore boy/girl/frilly clothes, and played with trucks and dolls equally as should boys, letting them express themselves is so important. Article well written.
Jane Tanner
Beautifully written. I’m the oldest of three kids and my youngest sibling is a boy. He had SO much more energy than either of us girls and was into all the typical boy things. It really is important to parent each child differently depending on their needs and interests, not just their gender. 🙂 Great post!
Lauren Tamm
Thanks for your encouraging words!
Beatrice
I totally agree with letting children be physical and test their limits. That is how they learn! I am a little disappointed though that you are applying this only to boys. These characteristics may be present in any gender, and I hope that parents would give children with physical and climbing tendencies the freedom to explore their space whether they are male or female!
Megan
I genuinely agree. I am OFFENDED when people say “boys are rougher” I have three girls and one boy and they are all in need of physical play, and they all do play rough, and the expectation that girls don’t is stifling to a girls development. It also usually comes across as “boys are harder to parent/more active means mom is more tiered, I have it harder than you because I have boys, and so on” This article on as a whole is on point if you just take the word “boy” out and simply say “toddler”
Rachael
Totally agree!!
I am a mom of both, and my daughter climbs higher, plays harder, wrestles, and play fights. Girls should be allowed the same freedoms as boys!!
I laugh when parents of only boys say that boys are harder to parent. Like, no, no they are not.
Every child is unique. Some boys are easier, when some aren’t. Some girls are harder, when some aren’t.
Viktoria blak
The other day I was at a store with my friend who doesn’t have a child and my 4 year old we were on an escalator going up and my son decided to sit down while going up with his back to the exit of the escalator, my friend watching him get closer and closer to the top she looks at me with a panicked look on her face and says ” aren’t you going to make him stop ” I just said ” just watch hell figure it out” as we inch closer and closer he suddenly looks behind himself startled when he realizeshow close he was to the top and stands up scared and looks at me ” see buddy, we gotta be aware of our surroundings huh” and you could see the gears turning in his head like ‘ well I know now not to do that again’
I can completely relate to this article
Danielle Foster
loved this. I have a 20 year old and 3 year old son. I gave them both dolls. They both have sisters around their age and they both wore/wear their sisters dresses, tutus, etc. u let them express themselves any way they want. As I write this my 3 yo is sleeping in my lap with Sofia the first PJs. And my very manly muscular tattooed 20 yr old survived my parenting unscathed (for the most part :)) Thanks for writing this.
Marie
I’ve been blessed with 2 boys and oh my can I relate to your article!
Funnily enough one of my close friends has 2 girls about the same age as my kids, 1 and 2 months older then mine.
When our first child were younger, we exchanged baby-sitting day so we were able to work without worrying about our child being lost in the child care world. We can say whatever we want, but there ARE differences. Big ones! Girls do develop their language earlier and faster, boys do climb, jump and throw earlier too.
Don’t get me wrong, this little girl was just as keen to run and climb and jump as my son, but you could see it was not her first “urge”.
And for the people who might think I’m giving too much in the stereotype, be reassured. My older boy wears pink boot and ballerina shoes on a regular basis, because he likes the colour. It was his choice not mine. I simply did not fight it but instead embraced it. He also loves his baby doll and pink pram. It was part of our accessory wherever we would go. He is 4.
My youngest is taking the same route (15 months) and he already has climbed on every piece of furniture he can find, throw every ball his little hands could lay on. He is currently learning to be gentle with our baby doll… not very successfulyl yet
Liz
While I completely agree with taking a step back and letting our kids have a little more space in their lives to explore and engage with their environment, I respectfully disagree with the authors hesitated decision to lump this as a “boy” thing. Everything she described in this article is identical to my daughter. She loves climbing, jumping, rough housing etc. We too took a step back and I feel she’s a lot safer and more aware. It is a huge “urge” in her.
I truly believe there is a lot of room on the spectrum for both boys and girls in their interests. I appreciate how the author approached it but don’t feel it hit the nail on the head in just describing boys. More over I think it’s good advice for all parents with their toddlers, both boys and girls.
sara
Totally agree, exactly what I would say about my daughter. I have a boy and a girl, and this describes both of them.
Lauren Tamm
Yes, of course, this can apply to both boys and girls.
Randi
Oh my gosh this is so true! I had to give up on telling my son not to climb on the table lol. Now I just make sure he doesnt do it during dinner or that he wont throw things on the floor. He actually doesnt do it as much anymore since I stopped getting onto him about it! Thanka for reminding us to embrace the boy:)
Sarah
This was spot on!! I have two boys, 18 mo apart—almost 4 and almost 2.5. It can be so crazy sometimes haha. I get around little girls and never really thought there was going to be much of a difference but there truly is. I am literally blown away sometimes by the strong differences and I’m embracing the fact that boys are (noooormally!), hands down, rougher than girls. I sometimes feel really bad that they’re too rough or not as gentle, like maybe it’s my fault. I’ve been considering getting a baby doll for my youngest because he looooves real life (haha) babies and I think it will be perfect for him. My husband is a true mans man and they love rough housing with him, setting boundaries and teaching when enough is enough is becoming more of a “thing” as they’ve gotten older. Thanks for the encouragement and for voicing the reality of boys being boys. Xoxo
Lauren Tamm
You’re welcome!
Caitlin
I just wanted to quick say how much I love this. We try to allow our child to grow and experience climbing and jumping around, I believe it really does help him learn his limits and how things like balance work as well as problem solving. Since he is in Daycare we do try to instill when it’s ok to roughhouse/wrestle as some children may not appreciate that. I really think allowing your kid to have an outlet to learn and even fail is a wonderful thing, and we are never far when he needs us or our guidance. We also, gave our son a doll and teach him to be gentle, give hugs and basic skills with helping with a baby. Feeding him and putting him to bed, brushing the babies hair and his favorite, taking him for a ride in his truck, lol. I am not one to comment on blogs but I just had to tell you how much I appreciated this article.
Lauren Tamm
Thank you so much for your encouragement! I love hearing that your son has a doll too. So great!