Raising Kids
Several years ago I remember sitting at my dining room table vigorously typing away at my computer. Determined to start my own business from home, I was ready to – as they say – have it all.
I was going to work from home (creating an online job for myself) and stay-at-home with my son and be a dotting spouse who cleaned and KonMaried the house and put a modest dinner on the table each night.
And then there he was…
Off to the corner watching TV.
For a good long while.
This is the hard part to talk about – my struggle as a new mom believing I should try do it all.
The struggle I hear about most from other moms.
There’s this deep pressure to do it all – they call it the invisible load of motherhood.
“It’s not just making dinner every night—it’s knowing what everyone likes, deciding what to make, having a mental inventory of what’s already in the fridge and cupboards, picking up the groceries, and knowing which night we won’t be home for dinner because of soccer. It’s packing the leftovers into a Tupperware and making a mental note of when it will go bad. It’s noticing that maple syrup has spilled in the back of the fridge and silently cleaning it up, tossing out an old salad dressing and some uneaten pasta as you go.” (source)
It carries over into birthday parties and holiday cards and school forms and remembering to mail a baby gift for your new niece. The re-stocking of toilet paper in between completing that work presentation or college paper in the late evening hours. It’s looking for the lost wonder woman sneaker for twenty minutes while your three year-old sobs on the floor like a fish out of water.
Annnnddd…You’re only a gazillion minutes late for the five year-old’s soccer game.
Mothers are downright overwhelmed and exhausted and no one is talking about it.
Which brings us to the even bigger problem.
In the midst of our deep overwhelm, we turn to electronics to mute the edges of life.
This is truth.
Back when I was working to start my own business and stay-at-home with my son (because clearly I assumed no one could care for him as good as me), I reached for an electronic to quiet the day.
Instead of coping with the chaos, I could turn on a TV show and everything would be fine. Together we could simultaneously escape into Tech NeverLand and experience the instant gratification of peace and a moment of quiet.
I tried my best to pull away from tech as much as possible, knowing full well that it wasn’t good in the long run.
And yet, every time I felt overwhelmed, I thought Oh hell, this is for the birds and I turned to the iPhone.
I mean honestly.
The house could’ve been burning down, and instead of calling for help, I would’ve thought something like Everything’s fine. I’ve got a hose right here. Nothing to see y’all. Totally under control.
It was time for a wake up call.
The current generation of kids is growing up in uncharted territory.
Research shows that the drastic decline in outdoor play in kids is creating a slew of behavior problems due to lack of sensory input. By constantly putting kids in front of tech, restricting their movement and diminishing their time to play, we are causing more harm than good.
“According the to American Academy of Pediatrics (2013), a recent study showed that the average child spends eight hours a day in front of screens (television, video games, computers, smart phones, and so on). Older children and adolescents are spending an average of eleven hours a day in front of screens.” (Hanscom 2016).
As we move deeper and deeper into a tech ocean, the suicide rate of teens is downright scary.
Suicide is the second-leading cause of death among Americans ages 10 to 24.
While the cause isn’t clear – more research is needed – I think it’s reasonable to say that tech is playing a pivotal role.
“A 2015 national survey reported that 18 percent of high schoolers have had thoughts of suicide (the rate in the current study, which included children as young as 11, was lower, about 8 percent), and it is estimated that two-thirds of adolescents who experience suicidal thoughts don’t get help.
[…] The largest study to date measuring what, if anything, parents know about their teens’ suicidal thoughts shows that many parents […] are completely unaware that their adolescents have thought about taking their own life.” (source)
As we continue to prioritize over-scheduled lives, fancy devices and material items galore, we are forgetting one thing:
The basics.
Getting back to parenting basics is more important than ever.
It took a lot of hard work to shift out of tech habits over the years. I had to stop prioritizing overwhelm and start prioritizing family, connection and being truly present.
This is a genuine and real struggle among parents today.
I can whole-heartedly tell you that I know it isn’t easy, which is the exact reason why I started with basic everyday things to help me shift.
Overwhelm is not worthy of an invitation.
1. You do not have to do everything.
I was SURE I needed to do all the things. I didn’t. I was sure that I could balance all the things at once and keep my head above water. I couldn’t. It wasn’t until I stopped allowing myself to believe that I needed to do and be everything that I could start to declutter my life and focus most on family.
2. Family time over scheduled activities.
Weekends spent collecting frogs, going on a hike, or sledding down the hill with your kids. These are the moments that really matter. A busy schedule of sports and activities was only starving out family time and getting in the way of nurturing family relationships.
3. If it’s not a hell yes then it’s a hell no
If it’s not a hell yes then it’s a hell no. The party favors, perfectly Pinterest birthday parties and matching school outfits – Does it really matter? And will your kids remember it?
What kids will remember is the experience of being with you. Don’t hustle yourself to complete tasks that don’t help you cultivate a deep sense of family.
Human connection is always worthy of an invitation.
1. Eat dinner at the table and talk.
Family dinners are a beautiful, and highly under-utilized tool. This is precious time to connect with your kids and ask about their days. If you’re drawing a blank on exactly what to talk about, grab a set of conversation starters for kids or turn it into a fun game of I Spy or 20 Questions.
2. Trade in fancy vacations for simple family outings.
I honestly don’t think my parents left their home state until they were out of high school. It just wasn’t a priority. Families didn’t work themselves into mounds of debt or try to work 50 hours a week so they could experience one week of paradise. Vacations are wonderful, but the experience of camping over a weekend will be just as meaningful as a week at Disney.
3. Read aloud to your kids before bed.
The time you spend cuddling with your kids, watching them become engrossed in a story told to them from your own lips creates a deeper sense of connection. On top of the sentimental value, more and more studies are proving how beneficial reading aloud with a parent is for developing children’s brains.
4. Ask four important questions everyday before bed.
Kids love to open up their hearts right before bedtime, don’t they? They’re quiet all day long until their head hits the pillow. Then all of a sudden, they want to tell you all the things. Embrace that. This is a powerful time to connect with your kids.
Here are some questions recommended:
- What was the favorite part of your day?
- What was the least favorite part of your day?
- Do you have any questions about your day?
- How did you show love and kindness today?
All of these questions are very revealing. You’d be surprised the things kids will start to share that you had no idea were going on.
Related:
- A quick & easy toddler bedtime routine that works every time
- 2 year old sleep regression explained! Why it happens and how to fix it.
- 2 year old sleep schedule that helps everyone get more sleep
I had to prioritize.
It was only once I started to tackle my overwhelm, could I stop turning to tech as a way to press mute on life and start being fully present in the everyday moments – throughout they day.
I stopped doing stuff that literally did not matter. I quit most everything that did not support my goal for having a connected family.
The need for the TV and tablets fell away, and we started to open space for doing nothing, jumping rope, playing board games, wrestling, tree climbing and hugs.
I let go.
And once I did, I finally opened myself up to feeling joyful about motherhood again.
Print this free toddler listening checklist.
This post comes with a free printable checklist to help with toddler listening. I always have the hardest time remembering these phrases. This printable simplifies it!
Here is a sneak preview…
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- Print. Any paper will do the trick, but card stock
would be ideal. - Place it on your refrigerator. Check things off as you go and don’t forget a thing!
would be ideal.
Want more on parenting?
- The Most Overlooked Reason Why Kids Won’t Listen, Focus or Sit Still
- 3 Things Every Parent of a Strong Willed Toddler Should Know
- The Real Reason Kids Never Want to Go to Sleep
- 7 Things That Will Change How You Try to Stop a Tantrum
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- Learn simple, yet highly effective listening strategies
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I’m crying happy and sad tears as I type this….I resonate more than you can imagine. Thanks for your honesty, thanks for your vulnerability, thank you for the reminder. I’m a teacher who is staying home full time now…but trying so many side-hustles to make ends meet and taking 2 classes towards my masters…and I’m feeling on the brink. I needed this today. Thank you, I’m off to play legos…
Yes, happy and sad tears is a great way to put it. There’s a lot of layers there, right? You want to be and do all the things, and yet, you also want to be present with your kid(s). It’s a difficult balance. I’m glad this spoke to you!
I love this post. Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I love your site because of the sheer honesty. As an adult, I feel tied to tech ALL THE TIME, which is a huge distraction to my family! Even when I am playing with my son I think “oh, I need a picture of this” or I hear my work email chime and think I must check it immediately. One afternoon while we were outside my phone battery died. I brought it inside to charge and it was a relief to not have it attached to my hand for an hour or so. Gotta learn to just PUT IT DOWN. Thanks again for your post. I enjoyed reading it to start my day.
I’m so glad this spoke to you Jamie! You’re so right, it IS a huge relief to be forced away from the phone. I was watching a show once with Katie Couric about Tech in America and the scientists / researchers on the show said your anxiety can go way up just by hearing your phone ding. One thing that really helped me was to track my screen time using an app – big wake up call 🙂 and also to turn off all notifications except my ringer – in case their is an actual emergency vs. just an email. Cheers. Lauren
I really like the honesty of this, but I feel like it still doesn’t quite address some of the real life truths: Moms get exhausted and stuff’s gotta get done. Yeah, a perfectly neat house and some chores can be put on the back burner so that you can focus on time with your child, but at some point if someone doesn’t cook dinner or do laundry then everyone will go to bed hungry and without clothes to wear. I get that technology shouldn’t be the automatic go-to answer, but as a mom in real life, I need to be able to take a shower once in a while without my kid climbing to the top shelf to get into the paint or do laundry without my little one diving into the clothes piles. I’ve tried to involve my daughter in cooking and cleaning but her little personality is not one that enables her to want to be my “little helper.” Not all kids are like that. My son, yes, my daughter – ha!
Do I hand her her tablet so I can finally take a shower or wash dishes without her pouring her juice into her shoes or mixing the cat’s food into its water bowl? You’re darn right I do. I’ve even let her watch it so I can lay beside her and rest my eyes for 20 minutes so I have the energy to then get up and fix dinner. Don’t get me wrong – my children are my top priority and there’s nothing I love and try to do more of than spending quality time with them, but sometimes letting them have technology for a few minutes so I can maintain my sanity seems a lot wiser than going outside to hunt for frogs!
It sounds like you believe in a balance between running your home, keeping your sanity and being present with your kids. I am right there with you! We are not a screen-free home and there are times during when the kids watch tv; it’s just a lot less than it used to be. When you said, “Don’t get me wrong – my children are my top priority and there’s nothing I love and try to do more of than spending quality time with them, but sometimes letting them have technology for a few minutes so I can maintain my sanity seems a lot wiser than going outside to hunt for frogs!” <<< that is truth. You can't pour from an empty cup. You'll know what the right balance is for yourself and your family!
I feel like every email you send is always sent at the perfect time! I started to feel like technology was ruling my home and I started to see my marriage fade away into technology. I needed change now and fast. My husband and I are “outdoorsy” people. We try and go on walks with the kids every evening if it’s not raining, or go bright and early in the morning 🙂 as we walk, I started to notice the two parks we walk by in the military housing, empty. I’ve never once in 4 years here have seen 1 child on that play ground. It literally looks brand new from being untouched yet maintained from the workers. It really started to bother me. I understand it rains A LOT here in Washington but when that rain isn’t coming down, who cares about over cast? Get outside! So anyways, we had a season of not going outside, that “winter depression” slipped in on us quicker than we anticipated and we weren’t prepared to stay indoors this year with 2 toddlers in a 650 square foot home. So, I was desperate. I started to lose my patience. I couldn’t even talk with my husband let alone my kids. I wanted space. I set them off to our one bedroom and had them sit in front of “kid tube ” my husband and I would sit on pinterest for hours. I ended up losing it one night reading your emails. I balled my eyes out. Felt this guilt sitting on me like a pile of bricks. My heart hurt.. bad.. I ended up researching books. My thought was, if I can find time to sit on my phone I can find time to read a book and better myself. I went on amazon found 5 star book called “hands free mama” written by Rachel Macy Stafford. Every page I read, I cried and laid the book on my chest. Then decided every page I will dedicate myself to what this woman is saying. And our life changed..
They say, mommas hold the house together. If momma ain’t got it together, no one does. I could have blamed everyone else around me and I chose to physically get away from my phone. I ended up making certain tones for family members when they message me so that I knew from a distance if I absolutely needed to check that phone. It feels good to watch my babies grow and not just through pictures . I still check your emails daily first thing in the morning to kinda help mentally prepare me, I’ve got this attitude 🙂 so thank you again and again for being that mom to start this blog and email’s everyday for all those mommas out there struggling ♡
Oh Nikki. It is SO HARD. You’re holding space for the tears and all the hard stuff that comes with motherhood. Facing challenges head on and deciding what works best for you and your family is always a beautiful place to start. Your comment inspires me. Thank you for sharing.