Mom LifeMy husband and I were picking up the house after we finally got the kids in bed for the night. Toys, laundry, cleaning up after dinner, and finally throwing away the hidden snickers wrapper from earlier in the day. Yes, I eat hidden snacks when my toddler isn’t looking. I’m not ashamed to admit that.
By the time we finished picking up the house, it was 9 pm, and I still had work to get done on the computer. We were exhausted. I was an irritated and tired mama. Did I mention I was crabby?
“What’s wrong?” he asked.
“I need more time in the day. There is never enough time!! I’m exhausted. The day feels like one exhausting loop of trying to figure out how to tame tempter tantrums and meaningless small tasks that get undone the moment I finish them. That’s what’s wrong!”
Clearly, I was in the midst of a meltdown.
“If you can’t get enough done, then we need to start doing something different.”
I knew exactly what he meant, but I wasn’t ready to admit it.
“Nah. Nah. It’s fine. This is a short season. Let’s just give it a bit more time.”
This is so typical of my perfectionist tendencies. I’m drowning with 10 feet waves pouncing on me and instead of reaching for the life preserver, I insist on swimming against the current. I keep trying to swim, yet with each passing moment, I sink deeper and deeper into the ocean of toys and laundry and overwhelm.
I wanted to do it all because asking for help feels like I failed. I want to manage the household and the kids and work and do it all with a sleep deprived smile on my face.
Related: 9 Quick & Clever Mealtime Hacks for Busy Moms
I wanted to do it all to give myself some sort of bizarre satisfaction that I was capable of being a mom who had her shit together.
Except I didn’t.
I was filling everyone’s cup, except my own. My cup ran dry and then everyone ended up with a crabby woman in oversized yoga pants and a crooked pony tail. Not exactly winning at mother of the year.
Something had to change.
About a month and a half ago, I decided I was so crabby I could barely stand my own self. I was tired of the endless cycle of cooking and cleaning and working and cooking and cleaning and working, which played on repeat like a bad 80s hairband in my car.
My husband continued recommending that “we needed to do something different.” Because hello, I wasn’t all that pleasant to be around.
I decided enough was enough.
Three changes you can start today.
1. Tell your spouse EXACTLY what you need.
Don’t waste your time standing in an hour line at the carnival. Buy the fast pass and skip straight to the front lines of communication. Tell your spouse exactly how they can help you. Use clear and direct communication, which prevents your spouse from guessing and getting it wrong. Here are a few things I said:
“I appreciate it when you help put the kids to bed each night. Can you help put the kids to bed? ”
“I feel happy when you help do the laundry. Will you help do the laundry?”
“It is awesome when you cook dinner on Wednesday nights.”
“I love it when you XYZ. Can you help me?”
2. Cave. Get the cleaning lady.
I never had a cleaning lady in my entire life. Didn’t want one. I am perfectly capable of cleaning my house, right?! Except I wasn’t.
I easily kept up with the day-to-day tasks. Washing the floors and deep cleaning the bathrooms was a completely different story. I’d be washing floors and my toddler would be climbing on top of me thinking he was Curious George
. This equates to a ridiculous amount of inefficiency and frustration.
So I finally caved and got the cleaning lady. Dang, she did an amazing job. I realized how happy a clean house made me. And how much happier I was not cleaning. You will not regret a maid—I promise.
3. Cave again. Hire a babysitter.
First, everyone’s family life is different. Maybe you need a babysitter to get a date night with your husband. Maybe you need a babysitter so you can work from home. Maybe you just need a babysitter for a few hours once a week so you can attend a doctor appointment or lunch with a friend.
Seriously. Whatever your situation. Do it. Get the babysitter.
I sat around way too long in the mentality that I was just going to suck it up and do it myself. That I would just skip those doctor appointments. That I would pass on lunch with friends for the next 5 years. That my husband and I could get by with a date night only a few times per year.
Finally, my husband and I found a babysitter and we enrolled our son in pre-school 3 days per week.
Ah-maz-ing.
We went on a date and had a real adult conversation. I got actual work done during the day instead of trying to work on the computer, while saying “one more minute” 25 times.
The craziest thing happened next.
After all this crazy nonsense of trying to do it all, I finally gave up and asked for help. I told my husband how he could best help me, I hired the cleaning lady, and I put the babysitter on speed dial numero uno.
And then?
I suddenly became a really nice person again. I quit acting so irritated with my husband all the time (mostly). I quit feeling upset and angry with my kids over every little thing.
Instead of cleaning my house, I take my kids to the playground, where we spend several hours connecting. Instead of trying to work from home and take care of kids at the same time, we spend the time each day after school snuggling on the couch, reading books
and connecting. Instead of laying around in my jammie pants on Friday nights, my husband and I got a babysitter, went on a date, and we started connecting.
It’s pretty amazing how you enable yourself to really shine as a mother when you stop trying to do it all. When we quit wasting time trying to be a maid and a babysitter and a mother and a working woman, we allow ourselves to start seeing what really matters—connecting.
My son looked up at me.
Standing at the kitchen counter chopping vegetables for dinner, my son walked over, tugged at my legs and said, “Mama?”
I looked down, and there were the biggest brown eyes staring back at me. I feel like it was so long since I noticed them. I was too busy before to pay attention.
“Yes, baby?”
“Choo choo, mama. Choo choo.”
He wanted me to help him with his favorite train set
. Before I would huff and puff and begrudgingly go over to play for a few minutes, then rush back to my endless to-do list.
Today, I looked into his big brown eyes, smiled, and simply said one word: Yes.
How nice to have the money to do all these things .
Back to reality though. Some of us have husbands that work long hours and aren’t often in the house to help out. We also can’t afford cleaners and babysitters and to put our kids in childcare 3 times a week.
Nice idea but not possible for everyone x
So true!! I wish I had the money, I’d buy a magical genie too!!
Like previous person said its ok if you have the money to do these things. My husband works 66hrs over 6 days every week plus 70 minutes commuting each day. My oldest does 16hrs at nursery being chronically ill & a mum to 2 under 4 I struggle to keep my head above the water but as we have no support system & no money to pay for outside help my 3 fellas will just have to put up with super crabby mummy ?
I realize that these things may not fit into every family’s budget. It took us months and months of weighing this decision before hiring outside help. It was not an easy choice, but a necessary one for our family. To stay within our own budget we made concessions in other areas of our life to afford these two things. I am sorry that you are struggling right now. Thinking of you and your family. I truly hope things improve for you.
This is great advice; but it doesn’t even have to be hiring someone for pay. Where possible, one thing single women, women without children, or older teens/young adults can do is to proactively ask the moms they know if they can help out once in a while–just once for a couple hours or something. I think that, with the way we live today, we hesitate to reach out and offer, as if offering is not minding our business or could be taken as some kind of criticism (as if the mom *needs* help). But I think women can really be a grace to each other by making little offers and by accepting the offers, too! Oftentimes we can’t help how much is on our plates, and everyone needs help sometimes.
Kathryn, I adore this comment. What fabulous advice. We really are all in this together.
You make a great point! I think I’m the past perhaps moms helped each more. Now that I think about it, my grandmother’s stories often include fellow mothers (i.e. her sister-in-law would come over to help her with canning and their kids would play together/help occupy each other)
The best gift I ever gave myself was a cleaning lady. Cleaning is a huge stressor for me and knowing I can let someone help me was a huge relief. Thanks for this sage advice.
It is a huge stressor for me as well. I start to feel overwhelmed when the house gets away from me. It’s been really helpful having a cleaning service twice a month.
Money for a cleaner, babysitter, and preschool three days a week are not exactly viable “solutions” for most people. My family is currently in the process of moving, and no one we know is available to help us move, but they keep mentioning that “movers are so inexpensive”. Those movers will cost half the amount of my daughter’s much-needed first stage of braces which we’ve been struggling to save for. The connection here is that it’s amazing how different people’s financial realities are and how truly insensitive those with money are towards the rest of us (oh, I know – you work hard for your money, implying the rest of us don’t work hard and are clearly downright lazy). The comment (by a reader) suggesting neighbors pull together more is *such* a great solution, but no one seems to be able to get past their own hectic schedules. Mothers home with young children are so isolated in our society and it’s such a pity we can’t just mutually help each other maintain our sanity.
Hi there!
I love these facts of being a mom! I have gone through them myself. I quit my job to stay at home and work from home but being without a helper and with my husband working 50-60 hours a week, it gets super tiring! I think I worked more staying at home than being in the office because apart from having an online biz, I also take care of my toddler who tries to be an angel most of the time. 🙂
I love how true it is to feel the need to do everything and feeling like a failure when you can’t… but as I’ve realized, moms are still human and have needs as well.
As soon as I started admitting that I needed help, I was less stressed and enjoyed my days with my kid even more!
I hope that moms like me who are going through the rough times of motherhood, realize that it does get better. 🙂
Can’t help but share your thoughts in my page. Thanks!
Thank you so much for sharing! What an encouraging comment 🙂 Yes, we are all human. We are going to get tired and mess up and be far less than perfect. And that’s okay.
Great article, I’m a stay at home mom with an 8 year old home schooler and an 16 year old whom goes to Early College. Both of which are great helpers cooking and cleaning ect…. We do these things together so when dad gets home, we eat dinner and have the rest of the evening to share.
Yes. Everyone is pitching in around here a lot more than when I originally wrote this post, and it makes ALL the difference 🙂
i am a working mom with two boys, a 7-month old baby & a 3 year old. Had a meltdown today and just yelled at my 3-year old son for interrupting me in preparing his school bag, not realizing that he only wants me to give him a biscuit because he’s hungry 🙁 i felt so guilty up to this writing and still feeling bad. i kissed him and prayed for him on our way to his school.
You’re right, there are really days when we want to do it all and we just end up so tired, stressed, and unhappy. My husband is helping in some of our household chores but it still feels that there is no enough time to do everything.
Thanks for articles like this. It makes me feel better and encouraged that i am not alone in this journey.
Salute to all the mothers! May God’s grace & strength be upon us all!
God bless you!
You are so welcome! Thank you for reading!
Hello Lauren, I think that other people who replied have the same money problems that I have, but for my being a CRABBY Mother is the most sad and unhealthy thing for my child and I. Almost a month ago I have to recognize that I can’t do it all as you did ( and the most important I realize that I didn’t wanted to spend my next years that way) , I don’t have the money for paying a maid nor a babysitter but I’d made some changes that are really helpful.
1- I “hide” a lot of toys and I change it from week to week ( Easy to clean and my daughter plays much more)
2- I take more care about clothes for do less laundry ( I start hanging towel to use twice!! and also save water!!) and immediately do the washing wile talking to my child about her day.
3- I minimalized my decoration and declutter a lot!!!!!! Easy to clean and also I feel more relaxed at home!!!
4- I truly believe that the thing that is more difficult to change is our need off controlling everything. Routines can help a lot but a bit of time for ” fun and spontaneity” are the bless of each day.
“Saludos” from Argentina!!!!
Really wise advice. Thank you so much for sharing!
Could not agree more with this! I resisted for so long because I felt like it was wrong for me to spend money on something like cleaning or laundry. But it’s been especially crucial right now with my son being home due to COVID. Hiring someone to help around the house gives me the time I need to be both his teacher and his mom.
I’ve also found ways to get the help I need for free, including babysitting swaps and dinner clubs with friends (one friend takes a turn making a meal for multiple families once a week).