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5 Ways to Help your Child Value Good Character over Good Looks

When I first see a baby or a toddler I often find myself mentioning something about the child’s physical appearance or clothing.

It’s interesting isn’t it…

If you find yourself doing the same thing, you are not alone. I think the majority of us will whole-heartedly admit that this is a common topic of conversation when speaking to a young child. I was (and still am) so guilty of this! Upon meeting a child, I would say something like, “Oh, I really like your shoes!” or “Awesome shirt!” or the good ‘ole-fashioned standby “He’s so adorable.”

good character over good looks10

Then I read this article by Kasey Edwards of Reel Girl when my son was 5 months old, and it changed everything about the way I spoke to my own son and to other children. My eyes became wide open as to the emphasis we place on appearance in our culture. The article focuses on girls, but I believe it applies to both boys and girls.

Let me digress. After reading that article, I learned we stress the importance of looking good, and we start painfully young. When we converse with children, we often defer to chatting about appearance, rather than talking to the child about who they are as a person.

In doing this, am I teaching that appearance holds the highest value?

Am I sending the message that material items such as the best shoes and clothes define the value of individual people?

While I think that many of our comments are incredibly well-intended, I believe making a shift could really help children learn to value good character over clothing and chiseled good looks.

1. Pretend you are talking to an adult.

One of the things that helped me the most when engaging in conversation with kids is to ask myself, “Would I say this to an adult?” It’s a great way to filter what I am about to say, and often times, it’s enough spark an easy conversation starter. Sometimes I simply say, “How are you?” “What are some things you like to do?” or “What are you up to today?”

After breaking the ice,  I sometimes ask, “Tell me about your favorite games to play?” “What are your favorite foods?” or “How old are you?”

2. Use words focusing on aesthetics in moderation.

While I do tell my son he is handsome, I really do try to restrain myself. I want him to know that I see him as beautiful and handsome on the inside and outside without overdoing it. I want him to be confident in that; however, I don’t want it to be our focus.

The same holds true when I am around other kids. Minimizing conversation about appearance or aesthetics or material stuff is positive. Sometimes kids will ask you if they look good or to admire their appearance in some way. I’m realizing it’s okay to acknowledge what the child is saying and then change the subject to something else. Yes, I want to affirm the child, but at the same time, I don’t want to encourage the conversation in that direction. Instead, I try to re-direct the conversation to something else, like what he or she did that day.

3. Ignore the appearance.

Truly. I try not to think about it. I ignore the light up shoes, the expensive scooter, the dress, and the pants. Instead, I focus the conversation on everything else that is going on…the weather, activities, being happy, enjoying time with others or anything else you can think of.

4. Divert the conversation.

I briefly talked about diverting the conversation when a child makes appearance the focusing topic, but I also like to divert the conversation when other adults mention my son’s appearance. It’s incredibly common for other adults to make conversation about his appearance when we are out and about running errands.

This is not because he is any more adorable than any other child out there, I simply believe that it is because this is the focus of our conversation with young children. It is the standard default…”Oh, he is so adorable.” It was only after I read that article that I became so hyper aware of how incredibly often this was happening in our daily life.

When this happens, I try to divert the conversation to other topics. If it is a close friend or family member, I may even go so far as to say something like, “He’s just a person like everybody else. He’s more than just an adorable face.” While I appreciate the kind words and complements, it’s important to think about the overall message instilled over time. Choosing to divert the conversation, rather than encourage it, is an easy and effective technique to help us start making the shift.

5. Emphasize the value of good character and behavior.

One thing that could benefit children and parents is to recognize, acknowledge and complement children on good character and behavior. Rather than complementing a child’s appearance, I could compliment good manners, patience, obedience, honesty, and courage. The list is endless.

If you can’t part with the compliments, I totally understand. I personally struggle with it as well. Swapping it out for a different compliment that focuses on character and behavior rather than appearance is the great step.

While I do not think that it is wrong to comment or converse about a child’s appearance or clothing, I do think making a shift could be a really cool thing. Conversing with little ones, while avoiding superficial talk about appearance can make a huge impact in teaching our children that character is more valuable than clothing or chiseled looks. Let’s make a positive shift!

What do you think about kids and appearance? Do you think the emphasis is too much or too little or fine right where it is? I’d love to hear your ideas in the comments so we all can learn from each other!

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Reader Interactions

32 Comments

  1. I think today’s society as a whole puts too much emphasis on the appearances, not just with kids but with the adults too. I think I can give more examples of commercials promoting a new way to lose weight, brand new magical wrinkle cream than the most recent newest book worth reading or place to visit. And you are right, most of us do this subconsciously without even thinking about it. However, I believe that it’s never too late to change and shift our perspective towards more important things.

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  2. Hi Lauren,

    Just popped over from IBABloggers FB Group. I am no parent myself (Yet) but I have to agree with your words here. Sage advice and Kudos on this epic post.

    I think also that children’s creative side should be encouraged and nurtured. As children we all live in a bit of a wonderland and our curiosity shapes who we are and what we will become and it feeds our creativity! However as much as I think that the education system be it here in the UK or elsewhere is very important it stifles our creativity and changes us!

    We are taught to grow up and get a job and to conform to standards and schedules all of which stifles our creativity! When I left school some 23 years ago I had no idea what to do and it’s took me all this time to find my vocation. That of designing and developing websites. School for me was great but in my experience I think it did a poor job at preparing me for the wider world!

    Once again epic post Lauren.
    – PD

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    • Hey Phillip, I also agree that creativity is an important characteristic to nurture in kids. Sometimes teaching creativity means doing less and let the kids take us on the journey of adventure and imagination. I often wonder what is the best balance between structure and routine in our daily lives. Thanks for your awesome input! It’s great to have you here!

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  3. I love this. I am definitely guilty of making comments about little one’s appearances. Even though it is well intentioned (like letting them know they look nice today), it does put an emphasis on appearance rather than behavior. I really appreciated how you brought out that it is important to speak to them as if they were an adult. I was actually just talking to my therapist about a theory called transactional analysis, which separates our ego states into child, adult, and parent. The child state is basically everything that occurs naturally in our bodies as far as feelings and emotions, the adult state is observant, neutral, and analytical in its decisions, and the parent state is all of our core beliefs and values (which is instilled in us from our authority figures). So basically we all communicate with each other through each of those ego states at some point, and that is how our beliefs and values are shaped. And when we communicate with a child through our adult ego state, we help to instill in them the understanding of what is truly important, which include critical aspects of adulthood such as observation, analysis, and understanding. Sorry this is getting really long. But I just thought it was great to hear you say that talking to them as if they were an adult is an important part of helping them to develop a sense of character and focus on what is truly important. #ibabloggers.

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    • This is such great information, Megan. It’s so interesting learning about the child, adult and parent states. I love stuff like that. I’m not perfect when it comes to talking to my son like an adult, but I do try to avoid it when I am consciously thinking about it.

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  4. I never thought about how I do this with most children I meet for the first time and I think that it’s important to teach our kids by example so this is one of those things that I’d like to teach my kids. I love the first one, pretend you’re talking to an adult- how true that is! Half the things I say to kids I would never say to adults. With our kids, we do number 5 a lot, making sure we compliment their good deeds and behavior. I think society does put a lot of emphasis on appearance with everyone so I think a shift toward focusing on other traits is good to teach our kids while they’re young.

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  5. I always see this on a daily basis and I’m not a fan ! I always emphasize on what a child does best never what he or she wears. My daughter who is young but likes fashion, I try to steer her away an d help her focus on peoples character and what they do. This was an exceptional article and i enjoyed reading it. #ibabloggers

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    • I’m not a huge fan either Maggie. Honestly, I don’t even think people realize how often they are saying stuff to kids about appearance. I definitely did not realize until I read that article almost a year ago now. Crazy, but I do think learning about this can help people be more conscientious about how they talk to kids.

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  6. Great post. I am realizing that I always seem to compliment children’s looks first. The funny thing is I don’t think I did this when I was a teacher. I’m not sure why I do it when meeting new children. It’s really something to think about, and I’ll definitely be more aware of it now. Honestly, I probably need to cool it with the compliments for my son (but he’s just SO CUTE! haha). He’s only 1, but I want him to know that looks aren’t everything. There’s so much to think about when you’re a parent!

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  8. I have teen kids so my house is always full of teens. both boys and girls. Looks are important to them. If they are all dressed up for a party I make sure to tell them they are looking great. You should see the relief in their eyes and their shy smiles. After that is out of the way they relax and we chat about everything under the sun, specially their projects.

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    • I agree that looks are important to all of us. Personally, I feel a pressure to look good, and I wish that I didn’t feel that pressure. I’m hoping to create less of an emphasis on it in our home…maybe, just maybe, my son will feel a little less pressure about looking good when he gets older.

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  9. Followed here from the Laugh Learn Linkup – really appreciate the thought you put into consciously approving and encouraging character (and as one commenter mentioned, creativity) over appearance. I’m going to have to listen to myself more closely as I talk to my own kids and others.

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    • Hey Abi, it’s great to have you visiting. I am a work in progress and am working to listen to myself more closely as well. It’s tough, but I feel really good trying to make other kids feel excited about something like good manners as opposed to something like a fancy outfit. Thanks again for stopping by. I’ll be sure to pop on over to Joy in my Kitchen!

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  10. Lauren, I love this. I must admit that I have been running into this lately with my little ones. I think because they are twins, they get a little more attention, and focus on physical beauty is the most noticeable (and the most encouraged by our world and media). I had a talk with them about how beauty is not what you wear, or how you look, but how you treat others, how you act, and how you think. They already are catching on. My part is being careful about how I speak to/with them, and how I view myself. Thank you. I am going to write something up soon and would like to include this article. I’ll give you a heads up. My ideas for articles are often curbed by my time constraints! 🙂 Sharing!

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    • Thanks Elizabeth. I’d love to see what you write. I think this is a topic that deserves a lot more attention so we all can learn. It’s interesting! Once I started listening to what people were saying, I realized that adults are commenting on a child’s looks about 90% of the time. At least in my current experience. Do you feel it is happening that frequently as well?

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      • Yes, Lauren. I do think that is true. I find myself doing it, with children and with my friends. I think it is something that I need to have greater awareness of, and to be cautious. I want my little ones to be comfortable with who they are physically, so I probably will not totally cut it out, but it must be balanced with commenting on behavior, interests, kindness, and other great qualities. I am sharing this on my list of favorite posts for the month of Sept. Would you be ok with me using your graphic?

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        • Yes, of course you are welcome to use my image. You are too kind for sharing, Elizabeth. I truly appreciate it! And I do agree that balance is key. I do tell Jameson that he is handsome, but I try my hardest to not overdo it, ha ha. It’s hard though!

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  14. As a mom with kids ages 9-21 I am out of the adorable baby stage, but still struggle with the “you’re so smart”, “you’re so helpful”. No matter what the age, we can fall into empty flattery and empty praise. While my kids are in fact smart, I try to praise their hard work, diligence, and perseverance. I try not to say just “good job”. Instead I try to see a character quality that is truly worthy of praise. “Your hard work is laying off. Look how much your handwriting has improved…”
    I really appreciated this post. Thank you!

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    • It’s great to hear your perspective on this, Bekki. These are great tips to keep in mind that as our children get older, it’s important to be mindful of praise and compliments. I’m all for positive praise, but thinking carefully about the message we send with our words can make a huge impact. I love your examples. Thank you for sharing!

      Lauren

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