Note: This is a guest post written anonymously by a commander’s wife.
I’m just going to start out saying it. I don’t want to be in charge of the spouses club.
I’ve never been a very good member of the spouses club. I don’t attend socials, I don’t volunteer with the annual chili cook offs or craft sales, I don’t even attend the annual ball. I think my current club has a Facebook page, but I’m not even sure.
When I move, I don’t go looking for other military spouse friends. It is a perk when I make friends with someone who happens to be a military spouse, but I have just as many civilian friends as I do military ones.
Honestly, I’ve never felt that need for community with other spouses. I have never lived on base and I hardly ever sit and talk about my husband’s job or what’s going on in his office. I don’t typically even talk about military life, aside from when and where we are moving to or from.
Every time I move, I attend a few spouses club meetings to test the waters, but I have never feel comfortable.
But now, it’s my responsibility to be in charge of the club, and I’m nervous.
I’m nervous because I don’t know anything about being a part of the spouses club.
I’m nervous to have another really big commitment on my plate, and I’m already stretched enough as it is.
I’m nervous that I won’t do a good enough job, and I’ll let the club down.
But, the biggest thing, the thing that I’m the most nervous about saying out loud is this. I’m a bit resentful for being asked to take on this huge responsibility purely because of my husband’s job.
But, that being said…
I promise that I will try.
I can see the bigger picture here and I’m willing to take on the responsibility.
I can’t believe that I’m old enough to be the Commander’s Wife, but I guess I am. Because my husband and I have been a part of the military so long, I have some experience.
I will take this on because there are spouses who will need someone to talk things through, and I can be that person.
I will take this on because, there are women who are going through huge life changes like new marriages, new babies, and new towns. Many of them will be doing it alone without family support and possibly without their husband. I can help give them the community they may need.
I am willing to be someone’s emergency contact.
I know the struggles of military life. I have lived them, and I can provide some insight.
I will be a rock for those spouses, because I know what it means to be strong.
Even though I’m not all that excited about this responsibility, I’m looking forward to being stretched out of my comfort zone. I’m looking forward to the challenge.
I will go into it with an open mind and heart, and I promise that I will try to fulfill my duty to the best of my ability.
Because, whether I like it or not, it is my duty.
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Do you ever feel like your life doesn’t revolve around military life? Let’s chat in the comments!
Heather
“I’m a bit resentful for being asked to take on this huge responsibility purely because of my husband’s job.” — That line, right there… it stuck out at me. Not in a bad way, but because his job expects something of you. It made me try to think of a civilian job that expects the spouse to hold certain duties, which I can think of none right now. Its an interesting aspect of the military world that I honestly struggle with. What about the responsibilites I must hold for my own job? Or the commitments I’ve made to organizations that don’t involve the military? I have made many military spouse friends and civlian friends, but I’ve never been a part of a particulary active official spouse community. I understand a figure is needed to help those who are looking for it or need it and don’t realize it. But how can someone feel confident in what they are doing if they aren’t sure they are right for it? I’ve “tried” as well (something not military related), but the one thing I remember someone telling me when I wasn’t so confident… “The best way to learn something is by teaching it to someone else.” Try the “teacher” hat on, maybe you’ll be surprised at what happens…. good luck, and thanks for trying.
Lauren Tamm
I relate to what you are saying here. It is interesting, isn’t it? That military life is unique when it comes to the role of spouses. I also think that she might be surprised by what happens while wearing the “teacher hat.” Young military spouses thrive when someone seasoned is there to guide, mentor and offer support. As cheesy as it sounds, I really do believe we are all in this together. And the more we can unite as a community, the stronger we all become.
heather k
While the Military experience is definitely unique in many ways, and the FRG (or spouses club) doesn’t exist in every community (or any I can think of) I will say there are definitely other environments where spouses are expected to take on certain roles or responsibilities. I think a perfect example is in American politics – spouses of politicians often make great sacrifices & also take on roles/attend events/become involved in other organizations/fundraising etc that is expected of them because their spouse is a civil servant/politician. Additionally, things are more unique overseas. I was very similar to the commander’s wife in this post – before being stationed abroad I had just as many if not more friends who weren’t military spouses. We never lived on base or even that close to base and I always worked full-time. Overseas I have 100% military spouse friends and while I’m still not at all involved in our FRG I’m much closer to the community because of our circumstances. But I have civilian friends living in Hong Kong and they say its the same in the expat community – foreigners often seek each other and build a tight nit community because they have a shared experience. I think often times we think other’s can’t always relate to us who aren’t military and in some ways that may be true, but more often than not there are so many people who have similar experiences if we open ourselves up to learning about them!
Lauren Tamm
Heather…you shared such a great perspective. Thank you! And I think you are right, there are so many people who have similar experiences if we open ourselves up to them.
Lauren
Kathryn H.
I would encourage this lady to focus on the things she said after “But, that being said….” When faced with something that strikes me as an obligation I may not want, I try to look for the things life might be asking me to give to others right now. I doubt newer military spouses would think she is “not good at” her role, if they are struck instead by the thought, “She was so kind to me when I needed it.” I’m sure I’d appreciate being reached out to by a more knowledgeable spouse who has feet firmly planted in both the civilian and the military worlds. That’s a valuable perspective to offer. I believe people are often put in our path for a reason, and maybe there is someone who especially needs to meet her.
Lauren Tamm
Thank you for leaving such a positive comment and encouraging the writer. I think you have some great points, and I recently had a new military spouse share the same thoughts with me. She wishes there was a seasoned military spouse running the spouses club. She said the leadership or mentorship would’ve proved invaluable when she was learning to navigate the ups and downs of military life.
Mil wife
The higher the rank the greater the expectation for a military spouse, especially overseas. I am in a similar predicament. PCSing is bitter sweet, at times I’m quick to fit in and acclimate other times left feeling isolated. After 20 plus years and countless homes it’s become routine. I’m left feeling responsible to lend a shoulder to other wives and mothers. Honestly, I’m better for it.v
aenflex
I have no desire to be part of the military spouses club. Though I am married to Spec Ops controller, and am grateful for the benefits of the USAF, the fact is that the military doesn’t factor in to who I am as a person. I don’t have any desire to be friends with other spouses simply on the basis that we share a common situation. I do not think I’m special and certainly have no need for competition or recognition. I hate cliques and whether people want to acknowledge it or don’t, military spouse clubs are full of cliques. And full of women whose identities seem to be stronly rooted in military life. I always hear about how hard it is when husbands deploy. I laugh a little. Because yes, you are a single parent for 6 months or a year. Bt seriously, you have a light at the end of the tunnel; your partner. And you have income, and free health insurance, and social groups if you choose to take part. You don’t have the stigma real single parents have to carry.
If I could say one thing to military wives, it’d be quit yer bitchin.